How to cope with different sex drives? Male opinions welcomed too.

[maryloulou]

DH and I have been together 9 years and we have DD (7). I am struggling to cope with his high sex drive. He always asks in the morning and I am ashamed to say I give in most mornings regardless of my feelings. We have argued about this subject so much over the last few years and I do feel a bit worn down. He does get angry and sulks if I reject him most of the time. If he is OK about it he will expect it later in the evening or the next morning and I am normally just grateful for him not kicking off earlier that I will give in.

The few times we have discussed the situation he has explained that he gets so very frustrated if we don't have sex daily. He has said that if he switches his sex drive down then he will go cold on me because he can't be warm and loving but not get horny and expect things from me. He says it's all or nothing. This is the bit where I would appreciate a male opinion. Is this true? Is this how you think? I don't have much experience with other men.

Today we had an argument in the morning about something totally unrelated and he suddenly started being nice and suggested we go back to bed and make up. I was much too worked up to want to and he started kicking off again. It just feels like he is trying to get as much out of me as he can in the time we have together. We only see each other for 2 hours a day due to his work and most of that is spent in bed.

On the plus side he is always telling me how much he loves me and how sexy and gorgeous I am.

Has anyone been in a situation like this? Any advice is appreciated. How do we come to a happy medium?

[Tonandfeather]

It's interesting that you've latched on to the one poster on this thread who sounds more towards your husband's leanings, with his witterings about his own sexuality and claiming it for all men.

[AlwaysTomoro]

What you are feeling...the confusion, not knowing right from wrong etc...is all symptomatic of the abuse you are suffering.
Don't push that anger inward and berate yourself...push it outwards and use it positively to empower yourself...you can change this.
I was you, and 2 and a half years on I am happy, I am free...you can be too.
I don't want to worry you, but leaving this situation is going to be very difficult...abusers often ramp up their behaviour when they fear they are loosing their prey...I think you could do with some serious advice, perhaps from Women's Aid...and possibly even your GP?
This is not your fault...you weren't to know that what you fell in love with was just an illusion X

[MissPryde]

I want to reiterate op - the moment you asked him to stop and he did not, he was raping you. Thirty seconds of unwanted sex is rape.

I've asked dp to stop many times. Every time, no matter how "close" he was, he stopped immediately. If all I said was 'Ow' he would stop mid-thrust, even if all I did was make a face. In fact many times I've made a 'different' sound inadvertently and he's stopped to ask if I was ok, if that was a sound of pain, if I wanted to continue. If I do stop sex, he kisses me, assures me it's completely fine, cuddles me, strokes my back, absolutely is romantic and loving toward me, not caring a whit that he didn't get off.

It sounds like your husband was emotionally and verbally abusive to you in the past, and then realized he could have even more power over you by switching to sexual abuse.

There are sex acts I have never, and will never, do with my dp because I am uncomfortable and have no interest in them. I know he has done this with women in the past and has enjoyed it. He has stated that he would never ask or pressure me for that act, that he will go the rest of his lifetime without that because I don't want that, that the only way we would ever do it is if I approached him and asked for it. He would not want to do anything with me I did not want for myself, he would not want me to do it "for him". Rapists can get their jollies by having unwanted sex that their partner isn't enjoying. Normal men do not have or want sex that way.

Don't latch onto rolos post or think that is at all accurate. His attitude is that of your abusive husband.

It sounds like you're beginning to realize your husband's abuse, and that is so great. As othe floaters have said, you're halfway there. The advice given here has been great, outside of rolos post, and I hope you follow it. Contact organizations that can offer advice and support.

None of this is your fault, but you now have the chance to give your daughter better. Children are so perceptive. You don't want her to grow into a woman thinking your husband's behavior is normal, that she is an object for men to use. Take her and run, and show her the kind of strong woman she can grow into. Leaving can be a long, extremely difficult process, but I believe you can do it, op. You and your daughter deserve better.

[Mishmashfamily]

op after reading the thread I was about to say my dp was similar but then after your other posts I was

You need to get the hell out of this 'relationship' . This isn't a happy union . He is a fucking rapist and abuser!

Please leave, for you and your dd.

[differentnameforthis]

in fairness to DH I did ask him to stop at a difficult time IYKWIM

No I don't know what you mean, op. Sorry. Unless you mean he was about to finish, and wanted to finish inside you. In which case, no, it wasn't a difficult time. :( If I asked dh to stop, he would, straight away!

OP, I really hope that you start to see this for what it is. Of course you can't call it rape/abuse, because you have become so used to it, that it feels normal!

Dh & I were getting down to it one night (still at foreplay stage) and he stopped. I asked why & he said, 'you may have said you wanted to do this, but your body is telling me different' I insisted that I did want to (and I did... honestly). I told him to carry on, but he refused. He told me that he wasn't getting any cues that I was enjoying it. We stopped, cuddled & apparently, I was asleep in seconds.

That is what love looks like, op. Knowing someone so well that you know when their head says yes, it doesn't always follow that their body does too. I have the utmost respect for my dh, both because of that incident & because when I say no (like I did this morning) he just got up, made me a cuppa & played with the kids, giving me a lie in.

Also remember that this is the relationship you are setting up for dd. If she sees you being emotionally battered down to have sex, she will think that is acceptable. If I knew my dd was crying & performing sex acts she didn't want to, I would feel that I had failed as a mother. NOTHING makes this ok, op!

[differentnameforthis]

If I knew my dd was crying & performing sex acts she didn't want to, (in the future, she is only 10 right now)

[SnookyPooky]

I am constantly amazed by what I read on MN, the absolute shite that some men rain down on their partners/wives.
Many years ago when I was very young I was with a man like this, I never said no because he would make my life a misery. I could be dressed for work and just leaving the house but if he wanted it, I had to do it. Made me late a lot.
He was a controlling, EA, DV twat. Best thing I ever did was to leave him.

[Writerwannabe83]

I recently discovered my friend is living in a situation like this where her DH says he has to have it every day. Up until she was over 8 months pregnant with their second child he was still demanding it every day. She confided in a mutual friend (when she was just over 6 months pregnant) and was in tears, explaining how she dreads going to bed with him at night. Apparently he makes comments to her leading up to bedtime about what he expects and gets quite horrible with her if she shows any sign of unwillingness. She had said that sometimes he has to take 'no' for an answer and in those circumstances he will go to the bathroom and masturbate, get back in bed, turn his back on her and be quite unpleasant to her. He works very strange hours (factory hours) and sometimes comes home at 1-2 am, will purposefully wake my friend for a 'wham bam thank you mam' quickie which he must have and then goes to sleep. I know for a fact he has cheated on her in the past (before they got married) but it wouldn't surprise me in the least if he's done it plenty of times since.

[Allofaflumble]

I want to forget Mum just for a minute and bring this little girl into the picture.

Make no mistake, she will be very very aware of something horrible about Daddy and hearing Mummy say NO, crying and then them arguing. She will feel a deep sense of unease when Daddy sends her downstairs for five minutes. She will probably have an ball of anxiety curled up in her stomach.

I have to say probably as I don't know for sure, but I can well remember lying with my eyes squeezed shut, hearing my Mum beg "Please NO", sounds of pain, possibly being strangled. I was absolutely dying inside from wanting to protect her.

Next day it was as if nothing had happened, which is so confusing. You end up not knowing what is real and what is not. To this day I have been affected. Always on edge. Attract men that are bad for me, even if they appear "nice". It is a long story and relevant to this thread apart from my fears for this little girl.

Children are hyper aware of this kind of thing. Do not underestimate them.

[Allofaflumble]

I meant not relevant.

[maryloulou]

I honestly don't think she has any idea what is going on. When we are in the house we are quiet and I act like I am happy and OK with all this. As long as I comply he is lovely and charming, we have a happy time.

Yes, he has darker days and DD is aware of his anger and bad moods. But she doesn't think her daddy is hurting her mummy.

The incident happened while DD was at school, so definitely no chance of her being aware. She sees her parents hugging a lot there is a lot of 'I love you' between all of us. My concern is when she gets older and learns about sex etc that sending her down will not be an option because she will understand.

I will try to speak to him later, or maybe tomorrow when DD is at school, about this situation.

[Tonandfeather]

You don't know what it's like to be your daughter.

Talking to him is likely to exacerbate your abuse.

You need to leave him.

[HoratiaDrelincourt]

DD is aware of his anger and bad moods.

This alone means you have to force a physical split. Please.

[Allofaflumble]

Oh - it's just that I thought you said a lot of the pestering and sulking etc. was carried out first thing in the morning when she must be around.

Anyway, just be careful. Are you aware of him watching porn?

My son was working with a co-worker who was always going on about having smashed his partner's back door in last night and asking my son whether he had with his girlfriend? Or when was he going to? WTF!!

My son said he found his attitude to women absolutely disgusting and felt like punching him and warned him to never say anything like that to him again.

We live in such a pornified culture nowdays - it is very depressing. Wishing you the best Maryloulou. x

[Allofaflumble]

Just read "As long as I comply, he is lovely and charming". If that is not chilling, I don't know what its?

[AlwaysTomoro]

You may think she is unaware, but children are very perceptive to atmospheres and undertones. She won't have to witness the act itself to be able to pick up that mummy is under daddy's control...and that is all she's ever known so to her it's normal.
Talking to him won't do much good, if crying when you're in pain won't stop him.
I'm sorry to be blunt, I understand how you feel, I really do...but you should be aware that HE is in control at the moment, not you and you should be looking at ways to change that that don't involve trying to reason with him.

[VivienStanshall]

(man speaking) He is being awful.

This isn't normal or even usual, no bloke "gets frustrated if they don't have sex daily" unless they're an off-the-scale psychiatric case. Most blokes who say this do it as a bit of extra pressure.

And crying is an immediate "stop" for any normal bloke, who can remain aroused when their partner is actually crying? If they can then IMO they don't care for you at all.

Rather than an immediate LTB set out clearly what you are happy with, whilst it's not something you want to reduce to numbers it does make it very clear if you say you're not happy with any more than twice a week.

And you never want him to even suggest whatever again, even "jokingly" (which it isn't), because you hated doing it.

[expatinscotland]

There is never anything to talk about with an abuser besides 'Goodbye'.

[mcmoonfucker]

OP, I hope you are reading this with care.
I see that when people are trying to explain why this is an abusive relationship you are defending him and his behaviour, and minimising the impact on your dd. You are also more interested in male views (see thread title and singular post by abusive man).
It's completely understandable however what is important now is to concentrate on YOUR feelings. From your posts you seem to feel manipulated, pressured, lost, bewildered, at fault, inadequate, violated.
Why?
Who is making you feel like this?
What can you do about it?
Would talking to him make any difference, looking at past conversations?
What are your options?
What sort of man are you dealing with?
Is this your fault? Have you exhibited any behaviour designed to harm him?

[Pan]

One of the Y-chrome here. Only read the OPs posts (too long otherwise). This isn't acceptable, or normal or open to a defence. The purpose of having sex with you seems to be to get some secretions out of his penis, as and when he wants to. You are merely the means of achieving that, and at any cost to you. I or any man I know to any degree wouldn't be doing this.

Yes he is abusing you, simply because he can.

[Pan]

And it isn't so much as a 'sex drive' question, is it? It's a 'respect' question, and from the evidence available, he simply doesn't.

[Allofaflumble]

Always is spot on about the children being highly perceptive to atmospheres. I call my feeling "The squeezed heart", the anguish was so painful. You feel as if you are carrying some awful burden which you cannot speak about to anyone. I am not trying to make you feel bad, just aware that your daughter is probably very aware that things are very wrong.

The trouble is, now you are having to face the effect on your daughter, never mind yourself, you are going to have to make a real decision.

[Pan]

Just caught up with you Rollo. What utter tripe. That explains nothing whatsoever other than being a licence to continue as now. Elevated feelings of love and affection do not equal 'more sex' - it heathily equals a desire to keep the object of your love happy.
Read him this post. I guarantee he'll agree totally. Yes he probably will. For all the wrong reasons.

[CailinDana]

Vivien do you seriously think mary should stay with a man who has repeatedly raped her and wants to rape her again? And not only that but you're suggesting she set a pre-agreed number of times he can use her a week. So, what happens if one week she doesn't want sex at all? Do you seriously think he'll just accept her not giving him his pre-agreed fuck?

[turbochildren]

I'm so sorry you are living this. Some of what you write happened to me. For different reasons this was shared with the police, and my ex-p is waiting to see if there is enough evidence for him to be prosecuted for rape.
Similiar scenario: pressure, crying, "nearly" finished (1 minute +) wanted to repeat it many times even if it clearly hurt me, and it had to be with me, I was controlling and selfish to deny him sex - any.
it's not ok. You are not weak for having "let" him. he's spent years "training" you, and we want to be loved and not be ungrateful for the lavish declarations of love. He's saying all this crap to make you feel bad and guilty for wanting to be in charge of your own self.
He's a bully and an abuser. I wish you manage to get away from him sooner rather than later.