How to cope with different sex drives? Male opinions welcomed too.

[maryloulou]

DH and I have been together 9 years and we have DD (7). I am struggling to cope with his high sex drive. He always asks in the morning and I am ashamed to say I give in most mornings regardless of my feelings. We have argued about this subject so much over the last few years and I do feel a bit worn down. He does get angry and sulks if I reject him most of the time. If he is OK about it he will expect it later in the evening or the next morning and I am normally just grateful for him not kicking off earlier that I will give in.

The few times we have discussed the situation he has explained that he gets so very frustrated if we don't have sex daily. He has said that if he switches his sex drive down then he will go cold on me because he can't be warm and loving but not get horny and expect things from me. He says it's all or nothing. This is the bit where I would appreciate a male opinion. Is this true? Is this how you think? I don't have much experience with other men.

Today we had an argument in the morning about something totally unrelated and he suddenly started being nice and suggested we go back to bed and make up. I was much too worked up to want to and he started kicking off again. It just feels like he is trying to get as much out of me as he can in the time we have together. We only see each other for 2 hours a day due to his work and most of that is spent in bed.

On the plus side he is always telling me how much he loves me and how sexy and gorgeous I am.

Has anyone been in a situation like this? Any advice is appreciated. How do we come to a happy medium?

It isn't too far removed from the DVer's defence of "I only hit you because I love you so much and am passionate about you."

Interesting my post gets so much hate, despite mentioning nothing about actions. Only feelings. He doesn't get to choose how he feels about sex. He does get to choose how he acts. He can feel that way and be a respectful and loving partner, or he can feel that way and be a dick about it. I'm not about to attempt to judge his actions, just explain what might be going on in his head at the time.

I don't condone bullying for sex, rape, or anything of the sort.

Rolo's first post might be relevant to a mismatched sex drives situation.

It is not relevant to a situation where the man is insisting on sex morning noon and night, telling the OP she is boring not to want to nip off and let him have sex on her when her mother is around, carries on having sexual with her when she is crying and threatens to sleep around if she won't do that act again.

A vicious circle
Your already hardly existing libido
Exposed to constant pressure for sex

Knowledge and very harmful feeling that some where on the bottom he is right and it's you who is the faulty one..

When there is just "skin and bag of bones "
left the overwhelming feeling that nothing else really left

Some "last kicks of your mind"
it's wrong I need flight need to get out

His final win...
When after a long time you can barely stand other man touch

The feeling that he actually "managed to lock you in"

Well he had goals..

And when the time passes if you are natural born fighter you would realize what actually have happen to you it scare you even more

Some people perhaps can manage I strongly believe they can

They propobly would need a lot of help and understanding

Well I guess
OP Please stay strong

CailinDana

I agree that he sounds awful, but what if everything elseis great and there is this one problem that has got out of hand and can be stopped in its tracks?

As I said hesitant to put a number on it but the OP needs to be clear roughly.how often she would be happy with, it's not contractual.

It is not possible for 'everything else to be great' when a man is a sexual abuser.

Rape isn't a problem that has got out of hand.

It is Rape and he actually needs to be in jail.

So if a man is nice it's ok if he's a rapist?

I'd also add the "jokes" he makes are not jokes. They are explicit demands, and he's clearly not happy that you are not giving in. That he calls you controlling is the give away that he will not stop until he gets what he wants.
In response to Vivien, it does not read as if everything else is great. And to carry on when the partner is crying just to achieve ejaculation, is not symptomatic of somethings that's just "gotten out of hand".
it's pretty grim.
Again, i hope you manage to get away from him. it's not you, or mismatched sex-drives that is the problem. it's your partner and his attitude to you as a person that is the problem.

Without ploughing back through the whole thread I saw one instance where I would call it rape, though he wouldn't see it that way, the rest is unreasonable behaviour that can potentially be stopped.

Vivien I don't agree but I do see your point.

At the very least, OP needs to make it clear that she is not willingly consenting. If the husband proceeds regardless, nobody can claim he isn't a rapist - including the husband himself.

The police would see it that way.

How many times is too many then?

The police would say one.

As would anyone with an ounce of sense or humanity.

She has sex with him every day because if she doesn't he is angry and aggressive.
He pushes her boundaries and if she doesn't he might cheat, it's not fair, she is boring. He suggests doing the same thing every day that she doesn't want to do.
She finds it hard to talk to him about anything because it all comes back to sex.
Tell us how this is a great relationship Vivien. Oh I know is it because he's only raped her once?

Good luck with talking to him OP, but I doubt you'll find it helpful to speak to him because he won't see it as rape. But that obviously doesn't mean it isn't rape.

I had a conversation with an ex along similar lines, and it was a ridiculous conversation really, along the lines of 'it feels a bit like rape when you make me do stuff', and he denied and twisted the whole conversation round to it being my fault. I now realise that most rapists probably do not see it as rape, so I can see how the discussion I had was pointless.

turbochildren

I agree that it doesn't read that way and he reminds of atype I encounter at work / down the pub that I can't stand and am amazed that any woman would want to be with. They're usually banging on about how much sex they have and how dirty their partner is.

This would be my guess for their character but it is a guess.

He hasn't "just" raped her once. Every time he bullies her into sex that is rape. He has raped her for so long she actually thinks she has no right to control her own body.

Do you still think it's not an LTB situation Vivien?

I won't let the thread drift into a "what is rape" discussion but as somebody who spent over a year trying to get a close friend to report a particularly nasty one (I got her to get it on police record in the end but that was far as she could go) I think calling it rape when somebody sulks if they don't get sex is incorrect.

They have been together 9 years and they have a 7 yo DD and the only thing actually flagged up as a problem is his incessant demand for sex.

Now if many other things are in fact problems then I agree LTB, but if it this one behaviour and it can be halted then there may be a future. More is being read into the OP than is there.

OK, I don't like the sound of him at all but I have known several women who are with men I don't like and they seem to be happy.

MaryLouLou are you ok?
I'm sure this has been a lot to take in, have you got anyone in real life to talk to?

Still here but DH is at home today, iIm reading from the mobile as and when I can but I can't really type. It is a lot to take in.

Is there anyone in RL you can talk to?
We are still here if you want to share your thoughts...

Vivien as someone who has been raped more than once I do consider it rape. Just for your information any unwanted sex is rape. There doesn't need to be any violence of any kind. That said, in my book one rape is enough. How many rapes do you think a woman should put up with? One for every five years of the relationship?

CailinDana - even under your definition there are degrees of "unwanted". I do not regard having sex when you don't really feel like it for a quiet life as rape.

Much as you may want an enemy on this thread to have a barney with I am not it, if I knew this couple in real life I may well be saying LTB.

Vivien

The instance when she asked her husband to stop and he didn't was rape. Whatever the other occasions, he continued having sex with her then after she said no, and also continues to pressure her to do that again although it made her cry.

Happy to debate the line between persuasion and coercion elsewhere but I don't think it's very helpful on this thread, given how this man behaves.

Another male opinion. Yes, it is abuse, yes it is rape. No it isn't normal by any stretch and you don't deserve any of the shit you've been through.

RE: Your sex drive question, I'm the high drive partner, my DW is the low drive. I dance to her tune, it is the only way these relationships can work, pandering to the higher drive person always ends in sexual abuse/rape because the low drive is complying with something they do not want. Okay so it's no fun being rejected and living with the hurt and pain. But it's far, far better that way than the other way. There's no way I'd rather be a rapist and abuser compared to the lonely existence I currently inhabit. It's sick and morally reprehensible.

Anyway, I echo what others have said, you need to leave this sick individual and get him the fuck out of your life.