How to cope with different sex drives? Male opinions welcomed too.

[maryloulou]

DH and I have been together 9 years and we have DD (7). I am struggling to cope with his high sex drive. He always asks in the morning and I am ashamed to say I give in most mornings regardless of my feelings. We have argued about this subject so much over the last few years and I do feel a bit worn down. He does get angry and sulks if I reject him most of the time. If he is OK about it he will expect it later in the evening or the next morning and I am normally just grateful for him not kicking off earlier that I will give in.

The few times we have discussed the situation he has explained that he gets so very frustrated if we don't have sex daily. He has said that if he switches his sex drive down then he will go cold on me because he can't be warm and loving but not get horny and expect things from me. He says it's all or nothing. This is the bit where I would appreciate a male opinion. Is this true? Is this how you think? I don't have much experience with other men.

Today we had an argument in the morning about something totally unrelated and he suddenly started being nice and suggested we go back to bed and make up. I was much too worked up to want to and he started kicking off again. It just feels like he is trying to get as much out of me as he can in the time we have together. We only see each other for 2 hours a day due to his work and most of that is spent in bed.

On the plus side he is always telling me how much he loves me and how sexy and gorgeous I am.

Has anyone been in a situation like this? Any advice is appreciated. How do we come to a happy medium?

[VivienStanshall]

TDoS

I agreed that that was totally unacceptable and would qualify as rape.

If a friend told me that had happened then I would encourage them to contact a rape advice centre.

[CailinDana]

I'm not looking for a barney vivien. I'm interested to know how many rapes a woman should put up with in a relationship?

[VivienStanshall]

I am not saying that she should put up with any.

Nice try though.

[CailinDana]

So why should mary stay with her rapist?

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

OP, What you are experiencing is not normal, its not usual, its not how nice, loving men behave.

Its not your fault and you don't have to put up with it.

[VivienStanshall]

There is no should.

I have known (three) victims of DV and in each case genuinely could not understand why it wasn't police and split after the first time, but they stayed in it and it happened again and again until (two) finally left.

As I do not understand their motivation for staying I do not presume to tell other people what they must do. If I was Mary I would have been out of that relationship a long time ago, she is still in it so will have her reasons.

[MatildaWhispers]

OP, it may not seem particularly violent to you, it may just seem totally normal to you, but it isn't. Over time, if you stay with him, it will get worse. You do write as though you don't feel you have a right to say 'no' to him, as though you feel you need to put his sexual desires above your own need not to be violated by him. Living in this way, with effectively a diminished sense of control over your own body, could be, if it hasn't already been, really pretty bad for your own mental health.

He really isn't normal, whatever he tells you when you speak to him about this.

[CailinDana]

Vivien I'm really confused. You said in previous posts that as they have a child then she shouldn't ltb if this is the only problem. So previously you said she should stay with her rapist. Didn't you?

[VivienStanshall]

My apologies for confusing you Cailin, I would note that you are the one telling Mary what she should do, I said she may want to stay if everything else is great. There is a difference; and I doubt everything else is great.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

This man committed a violent criminal act against her. How can everything else be great?

[CailinDana]

Yes that's what I thought you were saying - that if everything else is great then maybe she could put up with rape. I asked you how many rapes, beyond the one we agree she's already experienced, she should put up with and you said none. Then you said if you were mary you'd have been out of the relationship long ago. You are completely contradicting yourself.

[VivienStanshall]

No, I'm not. Couples.do stay together in those circumstances and can be apparently happy, I wouldn't but I don't know everybody's mind.

In the DV case I mentioned above where they are still together it happened once, she did call the police, but he was sorry and she forgave him and they now appear to be happy. So whilst I would have LTB she chose not to and thinks she has made the right decision.

[Writerwannabe83]

Anyone who thinks a man having anal sex with a woman against her will whilst she is crying isn't rape is clearly deluded.

And when the same woman uses the term, "Everything is fine and lovely at home as long as I comply..." (in reference to his sexual demands)".....

...well....if that isn't sexual abuse based on coerced fear then I don't know what is...

[VivienStanshall]

Is anybody saying that Writer? I'm not.

[differentnameforthis]

there is this one problem that has got out of hand

Rape isn't 'one problem that has got out of hand'

If a man feels that he is at liberty to rape his wife, the whole relationship is a problem.

[differentnameforthis]

I saw one instance where I would call it rape, though he wouldn't see it that way, the rest is unreasonable behaviour that can potentially be stopped.

One incident of rape is enough. If the two people were are discussing here were strangers, once is enough, Why is it different when hose two people are married?

If a stranger co-erced someone into a sex act they didn't want to part take in, that would be assault at the very least. Why is it different when hose two people are married?

Or do you think, vivien, that marriage leaves the woman open to accept anything the man wants, including sex on demand, performing demeaning sex acts, crying while doing said act, and rape too? Because if so, I am glad you aren't my husband.

[differentnameforthis]

VivienStanshall The majority of your posts allude to this being a 'problem' that can be stopped. That she should decide & tell her abusive dh how many times a week she would be willing to have sex, to stop this behaviour. So, on that advice, you think it is her fault that he is like this (telling her to decide how many times she would be willing to have sex makes it her responsibility to stop his behaviour)

Therefore I interpret your posts as you saying she can stay, but as long as she stops his behaviour.

He is the rapist, this is HIS behaviour. It is HIS responsibility to stop it, not the ops. And it won't stop as long as op is living with him, because she doesn't see this is an issue, because he has her so ground down that she thinks the rape was her fault, because it hurt her!!

[VivienStanshall]

Though having asked the question on here she can see that is an issue and not her fault.

I certainly do not like the sound of him but I think it is irresponsible of many posters on here to project their own experiences onto her based upon so.little information (and read into my posts what I haven't written and become morally outraged as a consequence) and say LTB as though that is the first and easiest option despite 9 years together and a 7 year old child together.

If I knew Mary in RL I expect (but don't know) I would beencouraging her to leave him, but would also know that in doing that I would bear some responsibility for supporting this choice in the future, which somebody typing LTB as a first reaction to an outline story on an internet forum does not do, unless putting HUGZZZ qualifies as support.

[nauticant]

You're arguing that she should stay with a sexual abuser and rapist in the context of his behaviour becoming worse in the hope that he will stop the abuse if she asks in the right way.

It's not a matter of "LTB" vs "HUGZZZ". That looks like an attempt to trivialise a very serious issue.

[mcmooncup]

I'd say it's far more irresponsible to say stay than leave Vivienne.

You sound awfully like a rape apologist. And also just the type who'd ironically say "why didn't she leave the first time it happened?"

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Vivien

You mention a DV case where it happened once, she calked the police, he was sorry and it hasn't happened again.

In this instance, the OP was raped, and far from ap

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Vivien

You mention a DV case where it happened once, she calked the police, he was sorry and it hasn't happened again.

In this instance, the OP was raped, the police were not called, and far from apologising, her H continually "jokes" about doing it again, says she has to make it up to him if she won't and pressures her every day to have sex with him even if her DD or DM are around.

Pretty big differences.

I am not projecting my experiences on her; I am going by what is in her posts.

[CailinDana]

I honestly think there's no point in arguing with vivien. Every time I've asked him to clarify his points he's just contradicted himself then denied contradicting himself.
Oh and he thinks it's ok to "have sex for a quiet life," so in fact is ok with a woman being bullied for sex and giving in in order to get peace. In other words, he's ok with rape as long as the man "only" pesters and bullies the woman in order to get her to submit.

[Writerwannabe83]

Oh, Vivien is a male poster???
It makes more sense to me now!!

I just thought 'she' was a strange woman

[DoctorTwo]

As long as I comply he is lovely and charming, we have a happy time.

This is seriously creepy. On top of everything else it's really nasty. This 'man' has no boundaries. The only advice I have is to get out and stay safe.