Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

Have you seen your mother-in-law yourself since last autumn?

No havent!

No havent!

Then just maybe, neither has he. Is that possible?

When I was typing a post to you yesterday, I was thinking "I bet this affair started around late summer or the autumn".

I'm not 100% convinced there is an OW, but I'd say it looks fairly likely and I am sorry for that :( People will tell you it doesn't matter why he left, but I have been where you are and know it feels like the only thing that doesmatter. My general attitude is that people don't leave for no reason, although sometimes people just change their minds about what they want.

What might be best for you is to assume that there is an OW and work off that basis. That way if it turns out that there is, you are mentally and emotionally prepared, and if it turns out there isn't it'll be a pleasant surprise (not that it is much better!). It might also help you to keep the emotional distance you need and to start getting really, really angry.

There's a cognitive dissonance when an otherwise gentle, kind and loving husband treats you so badly. One thing I have learned on my travels is that people (even "good" people) be capable of doing terrible things to others if they feel it's for their own benefit.

In some situations "hoping for the best" is just more painful. It is the worst feeling, I know. I am going through it, albeit in a slightly different way.

Keep on posting, we're all in your corner here. A friend told me "today is the worst day of your life, tomorrow will be the second worst day" and she wasn't wrong. Today I am on about the 90th worst day. It's a slow improvement

x

Ton I was thinking the same thing re MIL being cover for possible OW.

canttype maybe you will be friends at some point in the future. But at the moment he isn't behaving like a friend and you all have a way to go before you are in that place. I wouldn't focus any efforts on being friends just yet. Focus on being honest, being real, supporting your DC and yourself. If friendship is to be it will be when the time is right. No need to force it.

I always thought X and I would be friends, but I knew I couldn't really do this until he was completely honest with me. 13 months on we get along just fine - but he has never been honest with me, and never has been prepared to have a proper talk with me. He thinks we are being friends, but I feel completely indifferent about him - he's not my friend. A friend would have been honest. XP wants friendship, without actually wanting to act like a friend. He just doesn't get it.

I agree that it's important to know why something happened.

But maybe I'm unusual in this but I can't see how if it's an affair that would be WORSE than believing a guy was deeply unhappy for 4 years and it flew under the radar completely.

An affair is often just about the grip of sex/romance goggles. Not real and definitely not something a partner can prevent or cause.

Whereas the implication of 4 years of unnoticed unhappiness is that a partner has done something to CAUSE that unhappiness.

Which is why guys like this lie. Owning up to an affair is owning up to a fault and set of actions only he could have prevented.

Whereas saying "you made me unhappy for 4 years" is about shifting blame.

I'd rather an affair any day more than that.

Sorry Ton, I didn' t say that very well. I don't believe that he was unhappy for 4 years. When people re unhappy there are signs. I think he is giving a script here. If he has been unhappy for so long it gives the implication (although this is not true!!!!) that the OP is somehow at fault, lacking, blind to her own husband's dissatisfaction etc. and that is a horrible thought and I don't for a minute believe that is true. I agree...that pathetic story is about shifting blame...if he wasn't happy why the hell didn't he say something. Someone with the commitment to a marriage to stay in it for FOUR years whilst unhappy would certainly have the commitment to go to marriage counselling for a few weeks. I discount this story a utter bullshit.

What I thought was that he is either depressed / mid life crisis or that there is an OW.

If the OP thinks he might be depressed or in a crisis, she might end up prolonging her own hurt. Hence, assume there is an OW and work of that basis.

Any story about hiding deep unhappiness is an utter cop out. Who behaves like that?

I do agree.

I dislike it when men like Commander6 come on to a thread like this and suggest depression as a cause of shockingly cruel behaviour in another man, when there are no reported signs of depression and the person himself isn't claiming to be depressed either. It muddies the waters, prolongs hope that a person is 'not himself' and provides excuses when there aren't any.

I think though if he wasn't sleeping well it can be a sign. My Dad had it...he took a long time to realise and the signs are very subtle that his family didn't see it for a long time.

The OPs ex's behavior doesn't add up to the typical though and it doesn't sound like depression to me. I'm not doctor though.

I agree it muddies the waters unless there is a significant reason to believe it is the case though. Nothing here indicates it.

Not sleeping well can also be a sign of guilt - plus fear about sleep talking.

Yes of course. To be honest, I can't analyse the behavior of this guy. If I am honest I never really understand how or why anyone could behave like this.

He says he had not loved you for 4 years!?!

Well tell him that he had 4 years to decide what to do about that so now you want 4 years to decide what you do about it and he can shove his divorce up his arse.

You will stop loving him y'know. I remember thinking that but I feel nothing for my ex now. The opposite of love - it's complete indifference. He could drop dead, he could win the lottery and I would just think

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today but watch our for the next crappy day - they take you by surprise and somehow feel even worse when you think you've taken a few steps forward. Forewarned and all... x

I agree with this What might be best for you is to assume that there is an OW and work off that basis. That way if it turns out that there is, you are mentally and emotionally prepared, and if it turns out there isn't it'll be a pleasant surprise (not that it is much better!). It might also help you to keep the emotional distance you need and to start getting really, really angry.

As I said the anger will be your friend - its hard to function when you overhwhelmed by hurt. Who knows you may never know the whys of it but if you allow yourself eventually it will grow to be less important.

Next time he gives the shit excuse for bad behaviour about not loving you for for years id be tempted to say "what a shame you didnt let me know then I wouldnt have wasted those 4 good years on you"

So ive been looking into things. He plans to go to the Algarve to see his step brother. £465 a bit steep for a return flight or about right? Also strange activity on a rarely used account, large sum of money credited!

It seems the majority of you are right.

He lies, cheats and breaks promises.

How do i look him in the eye?

Depends when he is flying? Easyjet's flights from London to Faro average roughly £50 each way at the moment. I just booked return flights to Spanish holiday destination in high August for £300 return.

So yes it does sound high - perhaps a package holiday week price?

What do you think is going on re the large sum of money? Did you take print screens - do you know how to do that? Anything you see take screen shots/print screens of and save them - the info might not be there next time you look or you might get blocked/locked out.

How can HE look YOU in the eye more like!

That's two people's flights.

I'm sorry op.

Next time he gives the shit excuse for bad behaviour about not loving you for for years id be tempted to say "what a shame you didnt let me know then I wouldnt have wasted those 4 good years on you"

Brilliant!

Well tell him that he had 4 years to decide what to do about that so now you want 4 years to decide what you do about it and he can shove his divorce up his arse.

Also brilliant.

I'd 100% rule out depression if he's going on holidays. He'd not be arsed to do anything. Take that one firmly off the table.

Now is the time to get ragingly angry OP and spill everything here. Right now your best weapon is to act the direct opposite of hat he is expecting. Don't let him see your tears or anger or sadness just yet. Hang on to it for a bit. Keep posting here and get advice from some of the people who have been in your place.

Sounds like 2 people's flights plus bags.

What do you think about the suggestion he hasn't ben seeing his mum at all?

Interesting about the large deposit. If the two of you have multiple accounts I'd be monitoring them very closely to be sure money doesn't start 'disappearing' or start getting moved to an account he may think you aren't aware of in preparation for it being hidden or spent on what appears to be an OW. It's also possible this large deposit is in preparation for this jaunt he just told you about.

Is there any way you can move 1/2 of cash assets into an account in your name only? You've indicated that you will be fine financially, but it is better to safeguard yourself just in case.

Online banking doesn't show the source of the deposit? I'd call the bank and ask about it. Who knows, he may have community assets he's already hidden and mistakenly put into an account you are abled to view online.

Every day seems to be heaping more on you, cantty. Wishing you strength and determination to see this through.

Oh, whatever you do, do NOT ask him about the deposit. The less he knows about what YOU know, the better.

Algarve to see his brother my arse.

What a lying shitbag!

its him who needs to worry about looking you in the eye! you've been honest and true and stuck by your vows.
stay strong.

what a horrible toad, you will feel better eventually

You need to get a plan together you just said he's just moved a lot of money about ? print a copy keep a file copy all important paper work

and get some really decent legal advice if you havent already he seems to be sorting himself out just nicely

Keep talking there are some really sage mnters who will be able to offer support