Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

I'm inclined to think that as you never had his mom's new address and were only told the town she now lived in, it wasn't her you heard that morning, but the other woman.

What a surefire scam this is! Tell you he's made new contact with his mom, knowing full well you'd never phone her to check this as fact. Then to explain his disappearances, says he's at his mom's but fail to give you the address.

What a shit he is. Using MIL as a cover for his sordid sleazy liaisons and booking holidays for two to the Algrave - that amount will definitely cover two plus luggage in high season.

I love Sarah's answer too.

Yes thought it didnt ring true! The flight is with a large tour operator. He has never done this before. He did tell me he might go a few days ago but he booked 4 weeks ago!

Weasel.

4 weeks ago, just after boxing day.

I think he was given an ultimatum, "you leave after Xmas or I tell"

I have thought this since I first answered your first post.

What a twat. I am sorry OP but I will eat my hat if there's not an OW :(

You're worth ten of him.

You don't need to look him in the eye!
He's not your problem anymore.
Stupid twat!

His mother will be in on it, im sure shes been goading him to leave. Dont know what action to take now. Do i tell him i know hes a big fat liar? Or should i just gather the evidence? Trying to take me for a fool.

If you haven't spoken to her and can't prove he's been visiting her, you can be sure of nothing.

Gather more evidence. Don't tell him what you know just yet.

Keep digging and gathering evidence.

Do not tell him otherwise he will cover all tracks and change passwords.

Take screenshots and printouts of all the accounts you can access. The money he is currently spending is still half yours, dont forget that. Whatever he spends now will be included in any settlement.

And it will be lovely to see his face when you say "And what about the £400+ you spent on taking your GF on holiday? I want that to be reimbursed to my share of the assets please!"

Its difficult, im raging!

Err rageing!

You were right first time!

Hold on to the anger, that is what will stop you being taken for a fool over the divorce.

He wants a divorce? Tee You Eff. Tough! Let him wait. Who gives a shit what he wants? Mediation can wait, you have agreed to it, you dont have to jump through hoops getting it done straight away.

I would be inclined to wait until the next large sum goes into that account and transfer it straight out again to your account, but dont say a word. But I am a bitch!

Poster, it's great that your anger is finally coming out!

When you've got some of it out, do you think you could come back to us about the mother in law ruse some of us think might have happened here?

And tell us a bit more about exactly what you've found?

I don't recall if you are working or have separate income. If so, you need to redirect it to an account in your name only if you have not already done so.

I agree with not spilling the beans right now. Stealth mode is what you need right now. Track all accounts. Copy all transactions. Eventually he will think to change passwords, so be sure you have copies of everything.

I'm not familiar with UK law. Is there anyway (or any need) to shelter yourself from any debt he may be incurring since he left? If there is an OW, he may be spending money he doesn't have(ie running up credit debt) on her.

I know I seem to harp on protecting yourself financially. I have a cousin who ended up ruined due to her xh taking and hiding assets and running up debt that she ended up stuck with because she didn't take the right precautions.

Yes. I work part time. Salaries paid into seperate account. Already thought abour freezing joint accounts etc.

All so odd! Its the holiday/flight thats bothering me most. Problem is i know ive got to try and stay calm to get what i want out of this mess. In reality i want to let rip when i see him next. Going to be hard.

As for mil, the history is that she didnt want to let her little boy go. He was always her first port of call for any problems and money etc. Once she realised i came first she would tell my husband lies and nasty comments about me. He was well aware it was from her and i had no part in it all. He distanced himself from her ( his choice) and we had little to do with her. In the summer she moved closer and started requesting help again. Dh went running, be fair she was on her own. I didnt have a problem as long as it had no implication to us. He has slowly been helping more and more. I didnt think anything of it. Im sure he is at his mothers, i have no proof but it was definitely her in the background
, she is very distinctive.

Ive been better today, but still feel super crap.Im not sobbing constantly anymore. Ive still got that dead feeling inside. My anxiety clearly still shows on my face. I am sitting up right now but im so lonely. Im close to my family but they are not close by. Im no billy no mates but dh( or not so dh) was my number 1 friend.

Dont know what the future holds. Starting to cry. X

I am in the East Mids and would love to meet you for a coffee/chat/slagging off session. If you are anywhere near me (right on the staffs/Derbys/ Leics borders) then let me know and we can sort something out :)

It takes a couple of months after the shock to get to a place where you really and truly realise that the person you loved, trusted and counted on as your life partner has totally betrayed you and that they are now permanently gone from your life as you knew it. Even though you don't know it now, the denial phase can go on subtly for ages. A part of you hoping and praying for a miracle or a time machine.

It comes in stages. You'll find the crying will come back...sometimes months later. It's normal, let it come. You will run on adrenalin and when the shock wears off the second wave comes. You're doing amazingly well to be sorting out the practical things.

Eventually, the pain they caused you helps you to stop loving them. It makes it easier to let go because you start to feel anger, dislike, loss of respect and all those things that make you completely go off a person.

If anyone knows how you still honour the memory of the person you once loved and shared so many things with, I would love to know. For me, I had to close it all off inside to get through it. I often don't even remember that he was once so lovely. I am at early stages too though. Maybe it comes in time.

Keep strong OP. You're doing so well.

The tears will come, there's no harm in that. I'd be upset about the holiday, too. Here you're trying to put yourself together whilst keeping the DCs on an even keel and happy and he goes waltzing off on a holiday? I'd be spitting nails. And crying. Probably at the same time.

Your family may not be close by, but thank God for telephones and skype. Is it possible that one of them could come stay with you, even for a few days?

I wish there was more I could do to help. Just stay strong, you can still be strong even when you're crying.

Ton. I am not a man! Maybe I should have chosen a different name!
Weird what people percieve from just an internet name!

And do consider taking bogeyface up on her offer. Sometimes face to face talking/tears/venom spewing can be really therapeutic!

It is being an eye opener going about with what looks like a mannish name. Quite bizarre. Rather like those programmes where celebs dress up to look like someone else or an older person perhaps and see peoples' perceptions of them change.

So a man saying what I said gets a backlash, whereas a woman might not, saying exactly the same thing. Wow. Just wow.

Right, Now getting back to the op.

I hope he isnt a big liar. If he booked 4 weeks ago, that is a few days after he went to his mums, after he left you.

Is it a joint account that he used? I think I would also take out the exact same amount of money. Up to you what you do with it.

Yes but how do you KNOW all this is true about your mother in law's recent activities? That's what I'm trying to get at.

I accept she's been a pain in the butt in the past, but so does he and it would have been the perfect cover for disappearing acts wouldn't it, especially when you didn't know where she lived and haven't spoken to her yourself in this period?

Have you checked where she lives? Is there any way of doing that?

You said he was staying at a friend's but you weren't sure that was true. Do you know which friend and where he or she lives?

Commander stop bellyaching. Go start your own thread and quit moaning about being mistaken for this/that/the other on this one.