Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

"he said how was that for you"

"I asked him about the damage this was causing to kids as well as me and i get a shrug of the shoulders!"

As if it can get any worse than making the announcement on Christmas Day! What an absolute clueless twat.

There is another person involved here - I would bet on it (female or male - who knows)

You may still want the man you thought he was but you dont need the man he has become - harness the anger it will help you get through this (ive been telling handful the same thing for some time so I am repeating myself!)

Well done.
Now stop asking him questions because you won't like the answers.
I promise you that although he seems indifferent now, karma will bite him eventually, particularly when things don't go exactly as he's planned, particularly the bit about you happily minding his kids but staying exactly as you are now, which is what they think will happen.
When he sees you enjoying life and moving on he will lose his tiny mind.

Yes no more questions of him at all. He'll just lie.

Best thing now to do is sort out a childcare agreement so that he sees the children nowhere near your home, regularly enough so you can kickstart your new life.

I agree with Ledkr in that there is no point in asking him questions anymore. Not only will you not like the answers, you will not get anything close to the truth.

Now here is some truth. You have done nothing wrong and you did nothing to cause this. This is all about him and decisions that he is making that render you and your kids as collateral damage to whatever is going on inside his head.

Something similar happened to me although I was fortunate not to have children with my ex H. Out of the blue (for me) he wanted out and no longer cared about what I thought/felt about anything. It was a very confusing time and I empathize greatly with what you are going through.

I want to suggest some protective measures for you now. Stop engaging him in on a personal level in any way. If you have to have contact with him (and I would recommend finding ways to not have direct contact with him (i.e. second party hand-over of children)), keep it all business (the split, kids, finances). He no longer has the right to know what you are thinking or feeling or indeed what you are doing. Cry all you need to but no longer in front of him. Get legal advice and even if you feel it an impossible task, start to take practical steps towards living life without him. It will help you to start to feel more in control of your own life.

You sound lovely and you certainly deserve much better than this. And you know what? You will get better out of this. As hard as it is to believe, you will be happy again and you may even be glad this has happened. In the meantime, do your best to fake it until you make it. I wish you all the best.

You do sound lovely OP and you don't need to be treated like this by him. He is just throwing everything away and rewriting history - you must believe this is not your fault, you have done nothing wrong. He is just a total bastard.

My ex behaved very similarly, even down to sitting in counselling saying he hadn't loved me for a long time. Unfortunately he had never bothered to tell me until the moment he announced he was leaving!! It is a script, but I know that doesn't make it any better or ease the pain in any way. He isn't the man you fell in love with anymore, if it helps to think about it like that.

Thinking about you tonight- you will get through this and you will feel better again. I have and I do.

Can you think of anything that happened 4 years ago?

Poor you OP. Logged in to MN just to check on you. You do seem lovely. I wonder what our men are thinking when they chuck away things of value for things that are worthless.

The script for you OP. You are doing really well - I was on diazepam when I was at the stage you were at, almost five years ago now.

You really do have to put yourself and the DCs first now. Do little things to make yourself feel better - I had an awful lot of bubble baths to try and relax as I was so hyper and anxious, I got my hair done (restyled and coloured), bought some new clothes, bought flowers for the house etc. I accepted all offers of help (DH upped and left me to cope with 4DSs, 2 with SNs). My Dsis came around every day after she finished work to help me with the DCs whilst DH went AWOL to get some space. He wouldn't say where he was staying etc. Of course there was an OW.

I couldn't eat, lost so much weight, found microwave popcorn and rich tea biscuits the easiest things to eat.

I hope you have taken proper legal advice, it will give you some sense of control. Please don't take any major decisions for at least 3 months whilst you are still in a state of shock - can you delay further mediation? You are probably suffering from post traumatic stress - my counsellor thought I was almost psychotic with it all!!

Take care, be very kind to yourself, remember this too will pass, and keep posting - this site helped me through one of the most traumatic periods of my life. If you get a chance, try at look up some posts from Whenwillifeelnormal - she was a very wise poster who really helped me and others.

I never normally post on this board but just wanted to say you sound like a great person, kind, sensibly and very decent. No wonder you're finding it hard to believe that this Alien Twunt is the man you married (I'm sorry if it hurts to hear him criticised but you are too charitable in your thoughts - whatever the reason, he's behaving like a total bastard).

Keep on doing the organising, getting advice and protecting yourself and your children. You will get there emotionally in the end I'm sure but the pace is being forced as regards the practical side of things so stay strong and focused. I really believe you can come out of the other side of this and be happy. We're all on your side OP.

counting you sound like I was.
I agree that op is doing really well, you may not think so but you are.

I stopped any contact as it wound me up and I went out of my way to not find out anything he was up to.

I knew it was over and I had to do whatever I needed to do to get better so I could help my kids.

Treat it like a temporary illness that you have to help to heal.
Do what ever helps and don't torture yourself over thinking it either. What's done is done, you have a life to enjoy as do your children, don't waste too much of it.

I think one of the things that is very hard for nice people to do, when people they love behave (as Echocave said) like complete twunts; is to realise it has nothing to do with you. You automatically assume that because this person is so lovely and so respected and so loved by you that there MUST be something you have done or not done to hve caused this.

My soon to be ex has a cousing married to the most lovely woman ever. They have a gorgeous relationship and my and my stbXH thought they were fab.

Days after learning myself and stbXH had split, this cousing was FB and whataspping me, trying to flirt and ending up telling me he'd been fantastising about me since my wedding day.

People are not what they seem, even to their nearest and dearest. This is a horrible thing to say, and like you I will struggle to trust anyone else ever again but everyone CAN'T be like this. There MUST be people around who stand the test of time.

We are all not like that...and we are many. There's something wrong with them and not us!!!

LedKr and Echo. I have been there too. Not a great place to be but when it was all over I was glad for the 17 kilos I lost! every cloud has a silver lining.

counting you sound like I was.
I agree that op is doing really well, you may not think so but you are.

I stopped any contact as it wound me up and I went out of my way to not find out anything he was up to.

I knew it was over and I had to do whatever I needed to do to get better so I could help my kids.

Treat it like a temporary illness that you have to help to heal.
Do what ever helps and don't torture yourself over thinking it either. What's done is done, you have a life to enjoy as do your children, don't waste too much of it.

He expects us to be friends.

Would he want to be friends with someone who:

• decided to turn his world upside down on Christmas Day
• unilaterally decided that he should break up his home without warning or explanation
• lied and lied and lied (for 4 years if you believe him) pretending that everything was okay
• shrugged at the impact of his choices on his children

Would he want to be friends with this person? Why on earth would he think you would?

It is so sad - but he isn't your friend any more. One of the hardest things I found to bear was the man who was totally on my side night turned into my worst enemy.

I agree with others, minimal contact, don't get upset in front of him and do not contact him at all. You need to carve out a new life for yourself, it won't be the life you expected, and you must have time to grieve for that which is now gone, but you can and will find a way forward to a happier life. It will be a huge rollercoaster of emotions. You will be amazed at your own strength and you will also find out who your friends are.

takes me right back. getting out of a relationship is horrible and can take years. take every sensible step as advised above, and wail when you need to. good luck.

As stated above, he is not your friend right now. Keep reminding yourself of that when he tries to pretend that he is.

Thanks for your lovely, kind and suuportive comments. He always even up til recently called me his kindest, loveliest, sweetie! No memories of change in character or traumas back 4 years ago, apart from great holidays and so on! Now the only thing I can point to is that his mother came on the scene again after being out of our lives for years. She and I never saw eye to eye. I kept my dignity but she was toxic (dh was aware as he was told nasty stuff by his mum about me). Dh used to keep his distance from her to as she is so intense. So, mil has a crisis early autumn and becomes needy. Dh is running around doing favours for mummy, because she is all alone. Mil in his ear telling him all sorts about whats wrong in our marriage etc. Remember mums have sons until theyve got a wife- she hated it when we got together as he didnt need her anymore.

So now he has left me all on my own,pattern forming? He is sofa kipping at his mums.he makes comments that are more likely to have left his mums lips.

So possible it was a family crisis causing problems, or that his mums got her claws in or the opportunities he was helping mum he was having ow?

Its ok will slowly get through this. Kids come first. Im standing my ground for us 3. And you know what I think (provided we can agree) financially I can stand firm. Whereas dh will end up in a studio flat somewhere miles and miles from us. He has become accustomed to our beautiful way of life. Lets see how he copes, especially with ow and my 2 staying overnight! Not that I would let that happen x

Just want you to know I'm thinking of you. I agree with other posters who say you need to try to build a wall of protection around yourself. You need to focus on your own best interests. Rest assured that your stbx will try to take advantage of your emotional state to get you to make unwise concessions. If you can, try to find a level headed friend/ relative who you trust to be able to see things unemotionally. Then bounce anything he says or asks of you off that person.

And I agree, stop asking him questions. It won't change a thing and what he says will only hurt you further. If you are like me, you think that if you can only think of that one right thing to say, he'll wake up as if he's been in an enchanted sleep. Trust me, there is NOTHING you can say that will make him see things differently. He has made up his mind. Moses could bring down stone tablets from Mt Sinai telling him to come home, it still wouldn't change his mind. I'm so sorry, cannty, but he is gone, physically and emotionally. Please, please take that energy you are using to figure him out and devote it to yourself.

Xpost with you, cantty. Sounds as if you are getting ready to turn that corner. Good for you.

Got a good nights sleep as been prescribed sleeping tabs.

Yes think i may of turned a bit of a corner. Spent yesterday evening filling in forms and gathering paperwork etc. Wasnt quite as lonely as i was occupied.

Woke this morning but unfortunately that dead feeling is still there eating away at me. Life seems so unfair! Ive gained nothing from being a goody two shoes and looking out for my childrens and dh interests.

I know its going to be a long road of ups and downs. When will i smile again? Dh has moved on and is detached from all of it. Although i dont know what the outcome will be he is likely to come out with very little and will struggle big time, now that wontmake him happy and he likes the good things in life. As for me and the kids selling up isnt viable as that would mean smaller house with 3 times current mortgage which no lender will allow. Not doable.

Will never stop loving him, that i know. He is being untruthful about some of this, no cracks had appeared. Something changed when his mum came back into his life.

They won round one. I will will the next one. And finish off with knock out.

Kids are main concern right now. My ds was crying again midnight lasy night :-(.

cant listen to you! Good girl, well done, it's time to show him!

It ill all come out eventually, canttype - OW, MIL... who knows what is going through his weak selfish head.

Sorry x post.
You still sound stronger though.

Poor ds, you can help him by trying to keep things as normal as possible. Show him he's nothing to fear and that life will still be happy.

You may always love him as the kids dad but I can assure you the intense love will go, I feel Indifferent to my ex and often wonder how I was ever so upset about him.

You will smile again and laugh raucously too.
I literally had a ball, my life has been so happy since he left.
It takes time to feel happy again but you will find it gradually comes back, especially once you've accepted things.

Can you make some plans? Little half term break or Easter trip? Visit old friends, go out for pizza? Plan a night out?
All theses things will help you and the dc.

No, Can't. You'll always love the man you thought he was. Please be indifferent to the shit he is now. It'll upset him more than having you aweeping and awailing and wanting him back.

Strength to you!