Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

I just think the whole OW scenaria is a hurt like no other, but I guess it helps to know a reason

For me though I think they often dont want you to know because they are keeping a watchful eye on the impact on their bank accounts and they know a new relationship means it may cost them more money.

No he didnt have a security password on his phone. I just never had reason to check. He stayed at home for 2 weeks after he told me. I didnt get the opportunity to check. I am going to ask again tomorrow but guess i wont get anywhere because either he is lying or of course there is no one.

As for tomorrow hes not going to get it easy! Im prepared .

Mmmm....maybe I can't empathise properly with that as it's never happened to me, leastways not in a marriage. I think I'd be more hurt by the thought that I'd spent so many years with someone who'd been bottling his feelings up, pretending that he was happy and that I'd somehow missed not only that but also that he could be that CRUEL.

I mean, Xmas Day!!

Whereas I think I'd be inclined to think "An affair? Okay so that's not my fault, he's using his dick for a brain right now and I'm the sane one. The past isn't a lie. I'm the rational one right now"

That was my thought process when a BF cheated. But I guess I've always known that sex goggles distort reality and that people go a bit loony tunes when they think they are in love.

Sorry. What are you going to ask for tmorrow?

You said you'd "ask again tomorrow" ?

Can you afford a private detective? Many people do it.

OP I still think there's another agenda. :(

Ask him again if there is someone else. We have to fill in forms for tomorrows appointment and they do ask specific questions about new partners and relationships. But again unless he admits it i wont know.

Im blowing hot and cold at the moment. It could be true it could just as easily not be. Time will tell, time i havent got.

I don't think he'll tell you tomorrow if he wouldn't tell you yesterday. If you don't want to go down the password route, I'd not bother asking again. Did he used to log on using his phone or laptop? Or could there be saved passwords on your home PC in tools?

I've just completed my forms for my mediation tomorrow. If he lies on the form, he'll be in trouble. Also, we have to take 12 month worth of bank statements so you will see if he's been spending his money elsewhere.

Don't forget, nothing in mediation is legally binding and you have a right to change your mind if you think about things after that you have agreed on.

I hope it goes as well as it can for you at mediation. I know how anxious I am.

Thanks. Just want to bring him to his senses. How can he not see what he is throwing away? Depresssion maybe, ow possibly . Im going out of my mind. Too in love x

((( Un-Mumsnetty hug for you )))

Second the private detective suggestion. That's what I would do if I was in that situation again. There are lots about (I think there is one in the street I live in!) I used to know someone whose family were in that business and she said that getting evidence of affairs was the main thing they did and it was really easy. They were a young, lively bunch, not blokes with their sleeves rolled up smoking fistfuls of fags in a seedy office.

cantype don't forget you are irrational right now which is entirely normal! but will intensify your feelings for your husband which is why it's so painful as you suddenly feel more in love than ever before.

Trust me when I say that anger will kick in soon and it will carry you along in a stronger way and make you see him for the cruel and fickle bastard that he is.

It's been a while since he told you, if you could accept that he's gone then you will start to feel better quite quickly.

Feeling that he's depressed or acting out of character is actually holding you in limbo.

I was in limbo for a while, the relief of accepting things was immense.

Good luck today.

Got to sleep 6 am ish, had to get up 7.30am as kids need to go to school. Feelings of dread inside. Scared x

You must feel able to leave mediation if you need to - explain that its far too soon as you have just received this bombshell and that you are being pushed into this.

Do you have somewhere to go after mediation?
Don't be alone.

My solicitor said I can walk out of mediation at any point if I feel upset or uncomfortable.

I understand how you're feeling today, mine's at 2pm, what time is yours?

Remember, if you feel you can't continue mediation, just end the meeting.

Midday

I wish you all the best

You too! This is horrendous x

I hope it goes ok to both of you...handful and cantty. Terrible times.

Back. Wasnt as bad as id imagined. But he was very calm and willing as he is far ahead of this than i am. Me? I was ok, obviously was still in a state of shock but probably more organised than him.

What hurt was that he repeatedly told the mediator (not a councellor) that he didnt love me and had felt like that for 4 years! He sat there all matter of fact as if i wasnt listening to the conversation! Absolutely no regard for my feelings.

We left and he said how was that for you? I looked at him and told him what do you think and started crying just a little. I told him it hurt being told time and time again that he doesnt love me. Doesnt he think i already know? He doesnt need to rub it in!

Well he said lets sleep on it. I asked what choice he thought i had as this is the choice he has made. He agreed that i had none. I asked him about the damage this was causing to kids as well as me and i get a shrug of the shoulders!

I asked about an ow and again he denied it. But im now guessing there is as he said when the time comes he just wont tell me?!

I know its final. But cant he just stop playing with my feelings? The moment i say something ever so slightly cross im painted as a witch! In the 15 years weve been married ive been kind, friendly and giving. Why did i bother?

He expects us to be friends. (As i do too) but he doesnt see what he did and the way he did it to be either wrong or cruel. He doesnt think he did anything wrong by not saying something earlier or giving us a chance to work at things before it was too late. He just gave up and stopped trying.

Now somehow ive got to find something in me to get through this. I will get next to no help from him. Im just a mere annoyance. He cant deal with what he started. I love him but he is a coward. He is not the man i married, he had this mapped out.

Well done for getting through it.

What's the next step for this process then?

These guys never deviate from the script. They ALWAYS pick a date ages before their affair started and say they fell out of love then.

Disregard that, because it's bound to be a complete lie. I'd guess your memories of his attitude and behaviour 4 years ago are rather different.

Instead, pick a date when with hindsight, his behaviour changed even in small detail. Less willing to do things for you or the family, less bothered about messing things up, grumpier than usual, different look on his face when you were talking to him. Because THAT's probably when this affair started.

Probably in the past few months if I had to plump for anything.

Bastard. Its horrible how they turn into this cruel callous stranger.

Think back to when the last time things were really good. This would be just before he met OW although the affair might not have started until a bit later on as sometimes they need time to distance themselves from the marriage before then.

....and of course putting all the blame on you and getting angry with you is merely a way for him to block out his own shitty behaviour and culpability. He is denying and projecting onto you. Very common behaviour unfortunately .

How terrible :( What a selfish, cruel man.

I don't really have anything to add that others haven't said but I am thinking of you at such a horrible time.

You will come through this OP. In the meantime please take care of yourself and focus purely on yourself and the DCs.