Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

Caitlyn you are not a nice person and should not be offering advice to vulnerable people. This is what you posted on my thread:-
" your last post. Jesus. What a load of bollocks it was and the further down the post you went the more passive agressive and condescending bollocks it became."

I agree Caitlyn's post is very harsh but she does have one valid point. Canty you must try and eat. You collapsing as well will be no use to your dc. You need to stay strong.

And please please please don't invest too much hope in what he's saying while he's ill. I would hate to see you hurt all over again

Hey you two. If you must have a squabble can you do it somewhere else than this woman's thread please!

Mumsnet has gone a bit mental today.

Hows H doing now cant? Maybe this will shock him into seeing where his priorities lie? Hope things are calming down for you, let us know when you get a chance.

If he's talking, is he getting better, cantty? do take some time out and rest my darling. You can't go on like this, it's impossible to sustain this level of stress. You'll collapse and that's not much cop for your kids eh.

I know this is all so awful, I do feel for you but please, do look after yourself . As you said to H, do it for your kids xx

Hi all,

Im struggling to eat because ive next to no appetite and ive been like this for weeks. I have tried but cant force myself however under the gp who has put me on nutritional drinks and referred me to a dietician. There is no intention behind it. I am most certainly not being melodramatic, what is happening in my life right now is sadly very, very true.

H has made no improvement and has been in hospital for over a week with a life threatening infection. I believe he will pull through and that the illness will have to run its course so to speak. H is going through all sorts of emotions, despair, frustration and anger. I feel for him. Its going to be a long slow road.

Im at his side a lot of the time but am mindful not to suffocate him or talj about 'us'. MIL is ever present and although on the whole shes been ok ive had to take alot of (unwarranted) critisism about my parenting skills and my non qualities as a wife!

I had a jealous moment in hospital today. H was visited by his best mate. H perks up (which is great and what he needs) gives said mate a man hug/kiss. I feel so unimportant. H does want me to visit and i do think he is reconsidering but underneath my front im still hurting badly.

Cantty, it was quite correctly pointed out by Bitoutofpractice that my post was harsh, and I'm sorry for that, but it was intended to be due to the occasions on this thread where it's appeared to me you have indeed seen not being able to eat as some kind of badge of honor. Wasting away is not going to get your husband back to you, he will not look at you and say oh she must really love me because she's now a shadow of her former self, and it really isn't fair on your children or you that 2 and a half months after his bombshell you're not being able to eat is still such a part of your day and how you express your upset.

I'm going to PM if that's Ok, just a bit of background information regarding myself that may help you to realize that nothing I've said to you had any malicious intent and that I truly do understand. But not only that, this really is your thread, your heartbreak, and whilst it's great for others to contribute based on their experience there is always the danger that your situation can be eaten up in another persons situation despite their two or three name changes on the same thread

I'd you Know this best mate before or is he new on the scene?

your, nor you're, not being able to eat,

sorry.

Dear God, a typo when correcting a typo.

canttypefortears this is awful for you, stay strong and try not to let yourself be hurt more by what is happening. I hope your husband pulls through. I do think you need to be careful of getting your hopes up.
Maybe not being my his side quite so much.

and tell you MIL next time she decides to criticise you that this is neither the time nor the place, and to show some consideration and decorum.

Oh Caitlyn do give it a rest!

Cant, I am really worried for you. Reading between the lines are you hoping that your husband will see how devoted you are and reconsider?

Would you, in your heart of hearts, be happy for him to come back to you because he feels obliged? That's even if he decides to.

You need to think carefully about that. Having him back at any costs may be a hollow victory.

I hope I'm not being too blunt. I'm just worried about you getting your hopes dashed again

Take care xx

Caitlyn, I don't think cantty has paraded her inability to eat as a 'badge of honour'. Rather, it's a way of communicating to us how badly this has affected her. If you, like me, are a survivor of an eating disorder I understand how it may appear that way to you. But the fact that cantty is consulting her GP shows that she is aware that not eating is not healthy and that she is trying to do something about it.

I think at this time, cantty is trying to follow her heart whilst keeping her head firmly on her shoulders. A difficult path, but one she has chosen to trod. She has my prayers and support.

OP Im hoping you can look after your wellbeing as best you can. Your H is in hospital - he is already being getting treatment and being cared for. Whilst I somehow understand your wish to be near him, at his bedside when he wakes, for him to see your devotion, etc - you don't need to be there quite so much. You do need to address your wellbeing as a matter odf priority. You have your DCs to raise. How's their routine at the moment? DCs are very intuitive, will have seen your stress and weight drop, and must be worried sick. You said at the end of your original post that you need to be your kids' mum again. As hard as what you're going through now is yes, you do need to be their mum. & also, the last thing you want is for it to appear to all intents and purposes that you are distressed to the point of being unable to care for them. Don't let it get to that stage. Hold your head up, prioritise yourself and your DCs. Re. your H - what will be will be.

Points taken ladies. :)

cant when my XH walked out on me, I existed each day on half a banana and half a sandwich. I simply could not force down anything more than that. I did also drink plenty of water and take a multi vitamin each day as if it would save me... that continued until the doctor put me on antidepressants and my appetite came back. So I know what it is like, but please do try and eat little and often. If the doctor has given you some food supplements that is great.

My concern for you is that while it is great that you are supporting your H through this and most of us would probably have done the same, I am concerned that he will just walk away from you once this is all over, leaving you feeling worse than ever. So please do look after yourself in all of this, so that you don't end up even more hurt than you have been already.

Although i was visiting H an awful lot for the first few days, we both agreed the DC need a bit og normality. So they have done their after school activities this week as usual and ive been back home to put them to bed.

I really dont know what H wants but i know what i want and what the kids need. H has said several things that suggest a possible reconciliation but im aware he is unwell and therefore cant take what he says at face value. I have also felt unimportant on a few occasions too.

As you all know i never believed there to be an OW and this seems to be the case. The only other woman in his life right now is MIL who wont leave him be to the point the hospital think shes his wife! Ive bitten my tounge all week as im a believer in taking the moral higher ground.

Im extremley tired and highly stressed. Im not only worried about H but also worried about what will be. I cant really think about what next until H is better which could be a long road. Im unsure i can deal with the stress for much longer.

Hi can't. Hope you're ok tonight. Please ignore posters who are having ago over your weight. I know lots of folk who lose weight when a relationship breaks up. The 'heartbreak diet' is the term used I think. You've had a nasty shock and lost your Appetite and all you're doing is letting people here know that. You've also let us know you had problems sleeping but oddly nobody has had anything to say about that! Take care

I hope your dh gets well soon but when he is better and if he still wants to go, let him go. No amount of love and devotion or pleading from you will change his mind. You seem like a really nice person, but he has no respect for you.

But if you still want him to come back you would need to change tack. Don't let him see you wasting away and falling apart without him. You are too available to him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, so walk away and have a great life (or at least let him think you are having a great time without him). Show him what he is missing, family life with the DC's and a confident, strong, gorgeous wife. People always want what they can't have.

I have lost alot of weight very very quickly. I was of average build before but now ive got a tiny waist! I donr look ill, infact the complete opposite. I must not lose any more though. I do appreciate that if i cant eat something soon i will drop so thats why im consulting my gp. Please, please dont think im doing it on purpose, ive tried losing weight by dieting in the past to no avail but its just fallen off with all the stress. Im not sleeping, i was on tablets but ive not been prescribed more.

Im by H side because i want to be and i need to be, im not trying to score brownie points or putting on an act. Im doing my duty as a wife and simply because i love him. Ive now got to be patient and wait for H to recover. Everythings on hold. I try so hard not to get my hopes up but almost find it impossible, im so scared of getting hurt at the end of all this.

quitelikely nobody was concerned about the ops weight! merely the fact that for two months now she has been saying she hasn't eaten.
She had just started to eat a bit when her dh became ill and this has put her back.
I lost two much needed stones when my dh left but there is a big difference between "the heartbreak diet" and not eating at all for months.
Posters who have supported canty for weeks were just pointing out that she is going to end up extremely ill if she doesn't either start to eat or at least seek to get some help.
I also used to force myself to eat some yogurt or a slice of toast as I had to stay functioning for the dc who needed me, it also helps you to sleep at night If you are not starving.

Sylvana very wise words... cant please hear what sylvana is saying.

I remember having a conversation with my FIL once about my MIL slightly crazy (now ex) boyfriend. MIL was having problems dumping him. FIL said to me typical man we always want what we cant have and the more we hear no the more attractive and the more we want the woman!!!