Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

The thing is cant, the gaps between you feeling despair will get longer. And the periods of determination are getting longer.

You are getting there and you will get there.

Hope you have a lovely evening with your family

Thanks,

My H was never violent towards me but in a way im now scared of him. How can he hurt me more than he already has?

He has issues, he seems to be addressing them. He hasnt actually given me hope so he isnt playing games. Unfortunately ive got them up again but im also waiting for them to come crashing down. My heart is so heavy.

Tonight was ok but dd played up and wouldnt sit down for her meal. Ive never had any problems like this before.

you can do this cant, we're all routing for you! Why don't you try having new routines at the weekends, something totally different from what you and the kids would normally do, so that you develop new routines and new memories that are not related to him. Also never contact him unless you have to and only about the kids, stop talking to him about your relationship as it is effectively over and it just makes you look like you are chasing him if you keep talking things over with him. If you look like you are moving on, it will give him a bit of a shake at the least. You CAN do this!

Im trying. Our routine has changed but im still so lonely. Im in very little contact wirh h but when i see him i cant help but talk. He is willing to talk about the now but not the past or future. Yes, he has said we are finished but i get confused (its not his intention) as he isnt thinking straight. He has been and continues to be selfish, im waiting to see if he sees sense.

So sorry cant but really i don't think he is that confused, i think you just have your hopes up, try not to engage him in talk about your relationship i dont think that is helping your cause. Why do you say he is not thinking straight? Don't hang around waiting for him to see sense and come back to you because it would never be the same and would probably be torture for you if he did because you would be on eggshells. Make out to him at least if no one else that you are getting on with your life and you are indifferent to him. I think this week coming should be the start of you turning over a new leaf, why don't you start one new hobby this week? You could go on the internet and do a search and see what you can fit in? Even if its something you take up with the kids?

People in RL have told me to stop thinking of him and think what does cant want, what do the kids want, what are our needs. At this moment in time i cant see past wanting my DH back and the kids daddy. I know i have to move on but its all so raw. Ive been rejected in the most cruel fashion but im finding it all so insumountable.

H isnt thinking straight nothing makes me think it, i know and witnessed it with my own eyes. He is making a big mistake and i cant do anything to prevent it.

I think what you say about his rejection of you explains why you find it so difficult to move forward. We all hate rejection, you wanting H back is so that your rejection is "healed" because he wants you again.

Think about this, after the way he has treated you. Is wanting him back because you really want him (the man who walked away and destroyed your marriage and upset your kids) or is it about his rejection of you.
Rejection is awful and human nature means we will do anything to avoid it.

You really don't need him to provide this affirmation of you. You have already proved how strong you are, you are still keeping it together for your kids, holding down a job dealing with an idiot for a H. If he's daft enough not to appreciate you, F**k him. You need to value your worth you really don't need him to want you again.

I'm not great at explaining myself in print I just wonder if you thought of this and came at it from a different angle it may help.

I understand your point LBZT, rejection is hard to take but that just adds to my pain. He has since told me he felt rejected by me as he thought i didnt want him. Not true, i thought the world of him but obviously he couldnt see it.

Please stop seeing the shite he comes out with as being what he actually feels.

"He has since told me he felt rejected by me as he thought i didnt want him. Not true, i thought the world of him but obviously he couldnt see it." - of COURSE he could see it. He is trying to blame you for his behaviour.

Look, everyone, even newlyweds in the first flush of love, could find instances of their partners behaviour that could be interpreted as rejection.

He is just thinking like this:

"What a bastard I must be to put my loving wife and children through all this for my own selfishness. < cognitive dissonance > Wait a minute, I'm not a bastard! I'm not selfish! I'm a great guy! I'm the hero of that all time favourite movie The [insert name] Story! I'd never be a bastard without provocation. She must have done something to make me do this. Oh yeah, remember that time when she had been up all night with the children when they were puking? I felt really horny the next morning and she not only knocked me back, she told me I shouldn't have even asked! No wonder I had to break her heart - I felt so rejected! "

Listen to Balloonslayer - that is a lot of sense.

Cant - you keep saying 'he's making a big mistake', 'he's all over the place', 'he's not thinking straight'... so what? You can't make him think straight! He is an adult - all you can do is protect yourself, and your dc.

He's not a child, all unknowing of his actions and reactions.

His 'rejection' of you was awful, and hurtful, but it was still HIM doing it, not some evil, malevolent puppetmaster. He did it - to you and to your DC!

I have to agree with Miranda - go with the pain. It's going to play out no matter what you do, and it will have a beginning, middle and end. Beating yourself up for still loving him and pining for him just adds to the misery, you feel crap that you're not 'doing it right'. Of course you're going to be pining for him - it was all so sudden, to the max, he was your world. Trust yourself that you will get through this, that you have the innate skills to get through it eventually. You will get to the place where you know he's not worth your tears, but you're not there yet xxx

canttype - please stop torturing yourself over the reasons he gave you. My XH did the same thing, but not ONCE did he sit down and attempt to talk to me or to make things better regarding the alleged problems. I simply had the "I dont love you any more" speech one evening right out of the blue. He was having an emotional affair with his mates wife and that has since progressed to them living together, 2 years on, although they are still claiming that they are just friends....

I went to hell and back, not eating or sleeping, but still having to work and bring up a 4yo DD. I begged XH to come back, to try again, told him I would be a better person, and not be all the horrible things that he said that I was.... I now despise my XH for being such a worthless spineless weasel of a man.

You need to put yourself first from now on. Try and work out what you want and work on that, as your friends have told you.

It does get better I promise you. For some of us, it takes longer than others, but you will get there.

Cant, the reasons simply DON'T MATTER. You will never get the truth out of him now. I doubt very much he can even remember the truth now he's rewritten it so thoroughly. Now he's trying to sell you this new verion of the past. But he's lying. Like he's lied to you for months and months

Remember when you found out he'd been on that lads' holiday (I'd bet my last cent it wan't a lad he went with but I know you don't want to hear that!) and you had the sudden blinding realisation that he's a liar. Remember it! He's a liar Cant

He's not lost the plot. He's not confused. He is not in a spin. He is going calmly about getting what he wants. Which is his freedom, without having to look like the bad guy

Right, I am going to be a bit stern with you here now Cant. You have to stop torturing yourself. Stuff like the wedding dress, you have to stop doing that. I know it's tempting (says the girl who only just threw out ex's hoodie last week becasuse I occasionally liked to wear it when I was low). Trust me when I say I know it's tempting. But you have to have a stern word with yourself, go and do something else, ring someone to talk, go out for a walk, anything

AS for music, make yourself a FUCK YOU ARSEHOLE playlist. Make it full of angry songs. Defiant songs. Fuck you songs. And play it when you feel a wobble coming on. Music can change your mood quicker than anything I think

You can do it Cant. We believe in you . But you have to accept that he's gone. Because otherwise you will never move onwards and upwards

I know that sounds harsh. But I wish someone had said it to me while I was wasting 5 months of my life having my heart repeatedly trashed before I could accept that my ex was (and deserved to be) out of my life.

Oh I love it, a FUCK YOU ARSEHOLE playlist what a brilliant suggestion.

To true about the wasting time on this man he has stolen the last two months of your life don't give him another day. With my ex this was what got me through I was determined that he wouldn't steal another one of MY days from MY life. I still had the rollercoaster of emotions but that thought about not letting him take another day from me somehow seemed to resonate with me.

right list for songs for cant. 1) stronger by kelly clarkson, is a fave of mine!! Can't you have all of us backing you up, give him the cold shoulder from now on! No more Mrs nice wife.

Ceelo Green's "Forget You" just came on the radio - that was definitly on my list - but I recommend the explitive-filled version for true sing-along satisfaction

Can I also suggest "Move in the Right Direction" by Gossip. You can dance and tell him you're going to get better all in one fell swoop!

Hope you're OK Cant. I hate being stern with you because I know you're hurting.

Can I add "I'm Still Standing" by Elton John. Sorry Cant, I don't want to try to make this into a pop songs thread but I have been following your story and really feel for you, though I have no advice. I hope everything works out, with or without your husband.

What kind of music do you like Cant? I've got a LOT of experience with this!!

Used to play Christina Aguilaras "fighter" the words are so true for me, I'd done nothing with my life when he left and in he last ten I've had a ball.

I remember mine saying he felt I didn't love him (is that in the script?)

You really must stop reading into what he says (I wish you wouldn't see him at all) it's just nonsense and he will say anything to get out of a deep conversation.

Re the no contact, I'm not sure what you do but I also had to rely on my ex for childcare as I worked 2-11 sleep in then 7-2 and no childcare in the land will do that.

What I did was if I did have to see him I'd keep interaction to a minimum, say what needed to be said about the kids then go to work or bed, no chit chat as I knew he wouldn't say what I wanted to hear which was
"I'm sorry I've made a mistake can we go back to how it was" therefore I didn't want to hear anything.

As it happened after a while I found it so intrusive him being in my house, shitting in my toilet, eating my food etc that I changed jobs and got a nice nursery that I'd never have afforded without the tax credits I was now entitled to. Win win.

Please stop having deep and meaningfulls with him, it isn't helping you to heal.

I started divorce proceedings quite quickly, even though I didn't want to get divorced, because he was so irrational I felt I needed to safeguard myself and the DCs and also because it was something positive I could do. He had made his decisions and not cared about what I wanted.

I was right to do it- it was the start of moving forward and taking control of my new life. I thought for a long time that he might wake up and realise what he had done and all would be well again- but of course that never happened. And as time went by I didn't want him back, I began to see him for what he was.

Healing takes a long time. You will get there.

And, songs for your Fuck you Arsehole playlist:
Christina Perri, Jar of Hearts
Gotye, Somebody that I used to know
Bob Dylan, Positively 4th Street.

I like the idea of a song list. I really believe in the power of music. I may be giving away my age but I'd add that old disco song 'I Will Survive' by Gloria Gaynor. When I went through my heartbreak I can't count the number of times I danced around the living room belting that song at the top of my lungs to stop the tears. Another great oldie that you can belt out; 'Hit the Road, Jack' by Ray Charles. Just NO 'sad songs' & no 'our songs', OK? Concentrate on songs that make you feel like a powerful and strong woman, not just 'fuck you' songs about shitty men. IMHO, it doesn't help the healing process to replace heartbreak with hatred. I tried that once & all it did was tear me down inside & I used up a lot of energy hating 'him' that I could have been using to build my strength and self-respect back up. Right now it's about building yourself up inside until you can get to a place of acceptance.

As hard as it will be, I think it is time to stop any attempts to 'talk him back home'. I know you still love him and that you would take him back, but I think it's time that the decision must be 100% his, without any input or coercion from you. It's the old 'if you love something set it free' quote. I REALLY hated when people threw that old chestnut at me back then, but I realize now how true the words are. Nothing you say will 'make' him come back if he really wants to move on. You can make all the excuses/reasons in the world for him that you want, if it helps you feel better. That's your privilege, because you are the one living this. But it won't change his mind, and (again IMHO) won't help you to build a new life.

Must add this to the playlist "I am Woman" by Helen Reddy (I just love this song) The words speak right to your core.

I used to listen to 'Act like a man' by Neil Diamond and used to add a similar sounding word for 'faker'

Hope you're OK Canty xx

Hi can't. How are you this morning? Did you sleep? Are you eating yet?
I'll carry on telling you about my progress so you don't feel so alone with this.
I went to the gym yesterday which was good. I met a new friend there whom I had told about H a couple of weeks ago. I've made two new friends through this because when people get the true hurting you, a deeper bond is made really quickly. If people ask how I am and they seem nice I tell them 'not too good at the moment' and then depending on their response, eg if it's sympathetic and interested I will go on to tell them that my husband left me a few weeks ago and I'm finding it hard. So far I have had nothing but the kindest care and support and the kindness of women has astounded me. Not one has made me feel like a failure. Although I too have felt the deep embarrassment of 'everyone in the village knows and is laughing at me'. But actually when you talk to these people, and show your pain, all sorts of pain of theirs comes out too. One lady told me about her friend who thought she was clear of Breast cancer for seven years, but it's just come back and she has six months to live. There have been all sorts of sad marriage stories too from those women that I thought were happy married couples.
After the gym I came home and cried and had a generally sad lonely evening. Like you I keep harping back to the what ifs and if onlys. Mine centre on anger with the counsellor we saw for totally missing the real problem which was both our abusive childhoods which have made both of us deeply untrusting and insecure. He in particular (having been abused by a woman) is transferring a load of anger onto me whenever he perceives that I am being too controlling. (Which I was, and bossy and critical- gosh if only I could get another chance with him, but he is adamant it is over).
I do think it helps to know answers and sometimes you do get them. It's part of the processing you have to go through. But sadly, you may not get them and then the grieving is harder. Do you have a counsellor?
This morning I woke up and cried again for half an hour or so. I read a book about Emotional Abuse last night and it said everything that we were doing. I am desperate to give it to him with highlighted paragraphs, but I agree with the wisdom of Accrossthepond, that I must let go completely and hope that he will decide for himself that he wants me back. He probably won't, but the only way I want him back and would even be able to begin to trust him again, is if he really really wants me back and realises what he has lost and wants to mend it. I constantly fight myself not to beg him again (done plenty of that with tears on top) and try to point out what's wrong, but any time I've tried it, he has been really nasty just to make sure I get the message that it's over and he's not coming back.
I still cling to the fact that he says he loves me, misses me and may regret what he's done in six months or a year and come looking for me. Lots of people think this is cruel, but it keeps me going each day and the pain gets slightly less each week, so I kind of hope that in six months, I'll be over him anyway even if he doesn't want to come back. Like you I live in terror of hearing about a new woman. But we have to squash that, because it's just torture that we are not strong enough to deal with yet.
I hope this is helping. I'm not meaning to bore on about myself, but it helps me to hear how you're doing and I hope it helps you.
Personally kick butt music doesn't help me yet. Maybe one day. For now, I just avoid sad songs and enjoy meaningless music with an upbeat rhythm.
Hating him doesn't help. For a start I think he left out of pain caused as much by me as him, so it wouldn't be fair and I won't learn or grow from hating.
Hang in. I know you fell like the worlds ended when you are crying, but an hour or two later, sometimes you get the occasional smiling moment.

Xxxxx