Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

Well done for today canty you are making so much progress but it's hard to see.

The evenings get more bearable in time, those new friends you will make will help.
I used to enjoy the soaps and maybe big brother or celebs in the jungle, have a long bath, do an exercise DVD, I was usually in bed by ten and re discovered reading which also used to send me to sleep.
It's hard though.

My worse time was after I'd picked up from school on days off. Too early to cook or eat but nothing much to do.

Just look at now far you have come feeling so awful, it really can only get better.

Gosh airplane crying is a good one. I bought a waterproof mascara which I wear all the time now just in case! (Estée Lauder- it's very good :/)
I have been very lucky with 'our songs' and have managed to avoid them so far. My gym playlist is very selective to exclude all special songs, but I agree, even new songs like "Say something, I'm getting over you" cracks me every time. "Do what you gotta do" by Niña Simone caught me by surprise too.
May I ask why are you pressing forward with the divorce? Is there an urgent reason or do you feel it's so hopeless that you have no choice? I have decided to leave well alone and give him the space. If he wants a divorce he can divorce me. But my circumstances may be different. I think you can get a separation agreement which protects you legally, if you wanted to wait a bit longer. My friends husband came back to her after six months, but they did split again after another year. He'd left her when she as pregnant too!
How are you doing for friends and support?

My family are doing their best but they dont live close by. As for friends i have got work colleagues for hand holding and ive needed that alot this week.

Im trying to form a new routines for evenings but it has to be at home due to childcare. I cant get out and about unlike H can. Im not really sleeping either, ive had nights with none at all.

As for divorce, no i dont want one. I just cant keep hanging on knowing D is the only outcome. I dont want him to D me as he is the unreasonable one, he deserted his family. But, two months!

My wedding songs (15 years ago) seem to be on repeat! Pinks "just give me a reason" keeps waking me up (alarm clock) and sets me off like a baby. Oh and on holiday i had to run off (literally) and have a good sob in the hotels toilets!

He's not worth your tears.

You need to claim back your life you are giving him to much power in your life.

I hate to be harsh I can feel your pain. But it's time to really focus on you not him. I guess that you are not quite in the right place to hear that but I had to say it anyway.

He's not worth your tears he's not worthy of your thought space.

Mumsnet are so routing for you the girls that post here do because they care they want the best for you.

Oh i so appreciate all your advice! Its probably coming across as if im ignoring it all, honestly im really not. I suppose im having a tough time following through. Your posts and thoughts are giving me some comfort and i thank you all for that.

Ive just put the dc to bed and that was hellish. Ds is bitterly upset because he misses his fun football loving daddy. Dd said she doesnt miss her dad because of what hes done!

Im torturing myself, ive just put on my wedding dress- erm it fits! And played our wedding songs. Looked at our wedding album etc etc. Crying by the bucket. Calmed down now, put it all away. Dont worry im not losing the plot i was aware of what i was doing.

I think you can all tell im still bouncing from one emotion to another. At times i do feel a calm come over me and the next im distraught again.

I suppose i have come along way as i couldnt function or get out of bed initially. My house is clean and tidy, chores done, kids cleaned and preened and well cared for and im working without letting on im in turmoil. Im legally ready to go and have sorted my finances as well as i can at this point in time.

Love hurts.

You are doing fabulously cant and don't you forget it. Well done girl x

Burning it would probably be thetaputic! Actually i would never do that as it means too much to me.

Feeling like a crap mum right now. Made DS stay in his bed ( he has only managed about 4 nights in his own bed since H left). We had screaming and throwing things around the room. Ds has always been easy going and ive not ever had any problems with his behaviour. I tried talking to calm him, eventually he wore himself out. As i said in my op H gets the best of the dc, then leaves me to pick up the pieces. H caused this.

By devoting my life and energy to H ive shot myself in the foot friend wise. Ive got loads of friends but no one really close. Apart from feeling destroyed i am embarassed this has happened and have told few people whats happened.

it will become easier to tell people. I found it stomach churning and I used to shake at the thought of saying it out loud to other people. but the phrasing of it seems easier. I'm still a bit embarrassed as most people I know are married but I did nothing wrong. and you will come to feel the same. it is them who need to feel the reality of what they've done.

your dcs too will settle into a new reality. any forward planning of contact helps I think. I do it in two month blocks. I find it helps in our planning and for them to know when they will see their dad. how are the dcs getting on at school?

try and plan some things with you and them to build new ways of going out for the day or spending an evening. is there a roller skating place near you or cinema for kids am or bowling alley?

I've been a longtime lurker on your thread and think you have really been through so much and are starting to come out the other side. your attitude and tone in posts shows that.

Cantty please believe us when we say that the pain you're feeling diminishes over time.
I thought I'd never get over the betrayal of my ex (been together 5 years, he dumped me literally 2 minutes after I told him I was pregnant).
There was, of course OW - but I didn't find out until my baby was 5 weeks old... It felt like a physical blow.

As I posted earlier, I couldn't go NC due to the baby, but eventually moved away, back near family and friends (ex still sees DS) as my feelings swung between deep hurt and rage - not healthy!
As someone said earlier on this thread and I'd read it on MN before, and it really helped me - the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
You may not feel as if you'll ever get there, that the pain will never subside, but it will. Promise xx

p.s You are doing great btw - keep it up! You will look back on this time one day, realise how strong you are, and feel proud you got through it and

The dc seem to be ok at school, they are aware and have not raised any concerns.

Its still early days but everythings happening so fast. Its also clear H is in a tailspin too. Our marriage was good but on certain issues i think we both stopped trying. Hindsight is a funny thing. I just wish we could have a real heart to heart, something we have not had the opportunity to do.

Im trying to be brave but at times failing miserably!

Ive treated myself to a bit of a lay in whilst the dc play downstairs. I have plans today to keep us busy. Im laying here on my side of the bed and i keep glancing across to H empty side and it feels like part of me is dying inside.

Day to day im coping fine. I get all i need to done. I just havent got my head round any of this.

I'm sorry to hear you are in such pain. He has treated you so badly. He never gave you a chance, his leaving was brutal, he has virtually abandoned the kids both financially and mentally and he has been lying ever since. No wonder you are hurt.

You have been v strong throughout. I wish you would see him for what he is though and stop making excuses for his behaviour. There is none.

I hate what he has done and the consequences of it all, especially where the dc are involved. I dont dislike him though and i know i should. Yes, im probably looking at him through rose tinted glasses but man did/do i love him.

I still feel he has made a terrible error (im sure there was some meaning in what he said) and has dramatically gone off the rails. He seems to be pulling himself back up but i doubt his new life will involve me and that makes me very, very sad.

Canty I live in a little village very middle class and lots of smug marrieds.
I remember feeling slightly jealous, ashamed and ashamed at my single parent status at first but that quickly changed to feeling very proud of how I'd coped/was coping.
As time moved on I felt more and more feisty and independent and continue to be so despite being remarried.
It's a very harsh life lesson but ultimately will make you a better person

Cantty, the way you feel is the way you feel. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging the love you feel/felt for him because it's part of who you are. And I don't necessarily think we always have to 'hate' the man who has wronged us. As long as you don't allow yourself to get so bogged down in the past that you don't prepare for the future. Things will get easier day by day, you'll see.

Im struggling to accept its over when its the last thing i want. Dh was adamant earlier this week about wanting a divorce. However, he is working on getting himself back to 'normal' and has stopped drinking which has made things between us easier.

Im still unsure of what the future holds other than we have our next medation meeting booked for April.

Are you able to get in touch with the 'new mate' he went on his last holiday with?
Who is he taking his next holiday with?
How much is he giving you now?

Ok, i dont know this ' mate' but i have heard of him. I confronted him regarding this the day he got back his phone rang and he wasnt going to answer. I made a comment so he answered and i heard a male voice i didnt recognise at the other end. It was someone checking he was ok! I do think he went with this 'mate' as he came back bruised, battered and worse for wear.

The second holiday is with his sister they are visiting their step brother. I have seen the tickets(on email) and its just for a long weekend.

H has told me its over. If there is any chance of saving our marriage i would. Im well aware he has acted very cruelly towatds me. The man he is right now is not my H. Something is deeply wrong. I fear it will be to late...

Finding this afternoon very difficult. Ive got family coming for dinner later but so lonely at the moment. Im in my bedroom looking out of the window as if i expect H to drive up the road, of course i know he wont. Having a good old weep.

Its obvious neither of us are thinking straight although im being practical. He started it all but together we could be making the biggest mistake. Our marriage is up for test and i dont want to lay it to rest.

Oh canttype, I'm sorry.

I know i must come across like im all over the place! Occasionaly i even have a bit of fighting talk but then i slip back to feelings of sadness and bewilderment. Ive got to start piecing myself back together again. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself...

Make a conscious decision to make the most of tonight with your family. Decide that you will enjoy it.
I know how hard that feels but squash that feeling and think I will smile tonight.
This is not to put up a front with your family but to give yourself a new good memory for the week ahead.

You are sounding stronger than you were that's a positive to draw on.

Hi me again. How are you doing today?
I find weekends really difficult as it was 'our time' together and like you, I never saw friends at weekends as I wanted to save it for him. Yesterday I just treated it like it was another weekday and thankfully a friend asked me to come and make silver jewellery with her which was great. I was pretty morose and not very good company and she didn't seem to want to talk about my problems (I think some friends are getting fed up already), but it still used up time and I came home with a pretty necklace. (Still cried all the way home though).
Today was really hard as I woke up and cried a lot and hugged his dressing gown and the teddy he bought me for Christmas (last guilt present?). Something to cuddle instead of him?
I went for a dog walk and cried most of the way round and one dog got lost which felt overwhelming, but I then went and bought some beef because my son was coming home for Sunday dinner and we made dinner together which should have been sad as H and I always had it, but actually my son and I had a nice time and I'm quite jolly now.
Basically I think you should be sad and cry when it comes on you qnd just go with the pain and remember it goes eventually and you will get more and more positive moments (and lots more crap ones too). Our emotions are so up and down at the moment. I also am beginning to get moments of intense dislike for him which is new. I so know how you feel. My H was a complete bastard to me, violent as well and everyone on my other thread is being pretty horrible in their condemnation of him, but I still love him too and would probably have him back too as long as he promised to get help. Which he won't because he blames me for his temper, so it's pretty useless really.
One foot in front of the other I keep saying and this too will pass. Xxxxx