Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

I know cant. I know it's hard. And I know how much you're hurting. I hope we aren't coming across as glib and making out it's easy. It's not easy. It's one of the hardest, most painful things you will ever have to do. I understand that. I truly do.

Oh I so wish I could do somehing to help you. Fast forward the clock so you're out the other side.

He needs to sort out somewhere to have the kids away from YOUR home. It's your home, not his. To swan in and out of at his convenience.

I realise i cant make him change his mind. He has got to do that himself. I dont really know why im saying that as he has told me its over. I chased him up and ask whether he had confirmed the mediation appointment, he has not.

I have seen this week that H is a wreck too, the cool as a cucumber attitude has slipped a little. Im not feeling sorry for him, trying to get some undetstanding.

Your H is a wreck because the path he has choosen will not lead to happiness or fulfillment. He has failed. That's been his choice, he may figure it out eventually or not??
You will be happy you will get through this there will be good things in your future. You can't see this now but you will. One day at a time and today you are one step closer to being happy fulfilled content all those good things that are yours. They are just waiting for you up the road and round the corner. You will get there.

You H is starting to realise that YOU aren't the problem - he is. He probably blamed you/relationship for his unhappiness and now he has left you it is slowly coming home to him that his issues weren't left behind when he walked out on you and his DC, they are still there, sleeping on the sofa with him.

I would also think/hope that his cowardly behaviour and treatment of you/his family is starting to hit home now too. Beware the pity party probably coming your way soon.

Thanks.

He went on that holiday to clear his head. There is no way that was possible, with a mate ( yes i do believe that). He ran away, lost himself and went a bit off the rails. He came home, realised id worked out his lie and went on the defense as he knew it was wrong.

Yesterday he told me his drinking was crazy and he had vowed to stop. He is now not drinking. That seems true as well.

I think he knows hes probably made the wrong choice but feels theres no way back. I think he did feel i was what was making him unhappy, but now isnt so sure.

My biggest problem is that i read into things and if theres any glimmer I hope once again.

You have to be very careful here. Do you really want him back after what he has done? Can you live with that? You need to have a really long hard think about that.
He may really want to divorce though so you could be setting yourself up for more heartache or worse he could come home and then leave after a short time.
A marriage takes commitment your H shows immaturity dealing with issues and I could be wrong but I get the feeling that now he has blamed you for all the disappointments in his life he know wants you to fix it without much effort from him not sure how substantiable that is in the long term.
You need to think about you, what you need, what you want, what your dreams are. Be honest with yourself.

Please feel free to ignore any of what I have posted if you feel it is not relevant to you. It's just my ramblings others may have a different viewpoint that you can relate to more.

Also be careful of these friendly chats he is leaning on you and you deserve better than to be used as a crutch. Try and Detach don't discuss other than the kids.

He told me it was definitely over at the beginning of the week. I spoke to him yesterday and we were ok with each other. He said again i was not to blame for any of this. He hadnt confirmed the mediation appointment. He probably did today.

Its quite clear he is in a bad place. He put himself there.

Would i take him back? Only if he was able to comit to me and he made the effort to keep working through things. We could never go through anything like this again. What he has done and kept doing was cruel. He has never done anything like this before, i do generally believe its a breakdown.

There was no suggestion he wants to start again, i do wish i wouldnt get my hopes up.

The thing is you will be in a worse place if, as a result of his new single life, he gets himself into a financial tangle and you end up losing your house. You do need to get yourself some advice regarding how to disengage your finances from his...not trying to scare you but it happened to a friend of mine.

I am now reading his situation as possible drink problem and, if there is OW, she is committed elsewhere and not as "into" it as he expected.

NC is definately the best way to heal (pulling off the plaster quickly rather than slowly) obviously you cannot do that so I would try to get a system where perhaps you text him as you get home and just pass in the door - keep communication to a minimum. I know your heart doesnt want to do that but every conversation is just like picking at a scab which makes it harder to heal.

As someone pointed out today was my deadline. H is looking after dc tommorrow. He will probably tell me he has confirmed mediation. If so then i will know he has no second thoughts. Legally i am ready to go.

I am trying to detach myself but its so tough when there are so few answers. We are in little contact, only communicating (generally) by text about dc or mediation.

I do believe drink to be a problem. H has always enjoyed a drink but didnt drink everyday. But when he did he would do it hard. H said it was because of his unhappiness, i thought he was being greedy, although i think i may have been unaware of how much he had been consuming. H told me he had drunk every night since leaving home and went crazy on his holiday. I think he has realised he cant live like that and has vowed to stop.

Problem is i miss him badly. Im just worried that he is throwing something away at a time of madness. If we go all the way it will be too late.

But isn't that the reason why you set a time limit?
You know in your heart that it's over, and you've heard the vast experience of the women on this thread.
Even if he did want to try again, how could you ever trust him again? He's let you and your children down so spectacularly, I'd have no respect, let alone love left for him.

I'm not trying to minimise your pain, but you should follow through with your plan, else he'll just faff around messing with your head indefinitely, controlling the situation and giving you false hope.

I know from my own experience how horrible it is to wait for someone else to make a decision giving them all the control. Once you make the decison to take charge of your own destiny and stop focusing on what's going on in his head the life will get a lot better. It's going to be painful but you won't emerge from the other side until you stop living in a fantasy world where he will come back and it will all be OK. You're worth more than that.

I have an appointment to see my solicitor week after next. I plan to serve him with divorce papers.

I dont think he would lead me on so to speak. He needs money and fast if hes going to go it alone. Therefore i dont honestly think he would string it out. He has mucked me around because he knows hes screwed up, but is not man enough to admit it. I think tommorrow will be very important.

Trying hard not to set myself up for heartache.

Mate you may never get answers, if drink is an issue he may not even be aware of the reasons himself.

Nothing, apart from death, is irreversible if he is really willing to put in the effort - but for your financial wellbeing and the childrens emotional, you cant carry on in this limbo waiting for what he wants

He runined christmas and went out of the country without letting you know - you should be getting angry it would at least numb the pain.

My angers fuelled by upset. I cant believe this is happening to me. I will follow through if needs be.

I have lovely, attractive, successful friends it has happened to, its no reflection on you. Sometimes I look at them and think "what the f*ck was he thinking?" Most of them have moved on new boyfriends, new babies - its not easy but sometimes they come to realise that their new lives are actually better. Obviously hurts like hell at the time.

You can wait for him and hold your life in limbo or move on - which is hard and scarey but at least you are in control of that.

Thanks blue,

As i have said over and over i really dont think there is someone else. I think H has lost the plot. Im honestly not that bad! Im not much of a nag, im tall (now very slim) and not that ugly!

Lets see what tommorrow bring.

Hi
I spent last night reading your messages. I am in a similar position, but am a lot older (50) so feel utterly alone and desolate. My children also left home this year and it was supposed to be our year.
I was so touched by the support on here for you that I have started my own thread to see if I can get some sensible advice and support too.
As I read the messages that people sent you, a few things did jar with me as perhaps only people who are standing in your shoes now can know what is and isn't possible.
I believe you that there is probably not another woman. I certainly believe my husband about that and his counsellor has backed that up. I don't think there is always another woman. There are other reasons for them to feel trapped and tired of the marriage.
The second thing is that sometimes they do come back. I don't know if your husband will, but I do know of some that have. I don't think mine will as he is just eaten up by a weird rage with me.but whilst I have been told it's not healthy to hang all your hopes on a tiny glimmer, it got me through the first few weeks of physical pain and illness a little more easily, making it easier to accept as time went on and the unpleasant blows came and hit me when I was a little stronger. Last week, I met with him for 'closure', which helped me find some peace as I found out that he still loved me and missed me, but he is determined not to come back as he says there is only pain back there. After that meeting I felt a bit better although I couldn't eat for two days and felt sick and faint, two days later I slept well,without tablets and started to eat again. I was even fairly jolly at times with my friends. Unfortunately yesterday he came round when I was out to fix some leaks in the house and left me a bill for £80 for his time! I felt like I'd been punched and I am very down again today after a sleepless night, knowing that any man who could do that to his wife is a complete bastard. But I now know from experience that given another couple of days I will improve again.
I am learning what helps me. Dog walks in the sun, especially with a friend to moan to, the gym (even when tears flood down your face on the weights machines!), organising things in the house, especially things like getting a gardener or window cleaner and they do a really good job (unlike my husband). That gave me a huge boost oddly. I have been given half an antidepressant daily and a beta blocker. These help enormously.
I also use a meditation hypnosis app called heartbreak which helps calm me.
Also tell lots of women even ones you don't know. I have had so much sympathy and it really helps.
I also made a few mistakes, I would say don't go out with men yet , even for a friendly coffee as it is too stressful and everyone of them seem crap compared to your beloved ex and you get depressed thinking you'll never love again. They are also only capable of being empathetic for two minutes before they expect a happy chat which is exhausting.
Dont do too much socially like pubs and dinners (except with women who you can moan to and cry on).
Food wise, it is so hard. I have lost a stone (last week my husband had the cheek to say he prefers me fatter!). I try to force down high fat Greek yoghurt and granola on bad days or chicken soup, but some days it is almost impossible. I am better now though than last week.
I am thinking of you my love and hope we can both find peace soon.

samsara how kind if you to post your thoughts to canty when in so much pain yourself.
You sound hugely determined and resourceful, I'm sure you will find happiness again, whatever that may be for you.

Samsara - he billed you for fixing a few leaks? i hope you are not going to pay!
Next time, get a plumber/professional, and at least you won't have to look at him or be set back by his actions.

You sound like you are doing well, and understanding yourself. Good luck.

Oh samara thanks for posting, im sorry you have found yourself in a similar position.

I am finding it hard, my mind doesnt shift. Im trying to keep myself occupied but its always there. Its the long lonely evenings that get me down, i invariably sob my heart out.

My meeting with H today was again ok. He has confirmed the mediation, which is next month. He was however unsure of himself. I didnt cry, i spoke calmly and to the point. We are definitely in a better place with each other.

Well done for not crying. I sobbed continuously and pathetically throughout my meeting! I don't know why I bothered doing my hair and make up first.
What's the worst place you've cried? Mine was Tesco fruit and veg section, although the gym was quite bad. I regularly cry in the car and don't even care if anyone see me now :/

I cry in the car all the time. I cant have the radio on either as every song is sad or for some reason my wedding songs happen to pop up! [Sad]

My worst place? Loads of them. On the plane taking off and landing or at work in front of customers?

Im coping, just. Every time i see him it confirms i love him. I should hate him, i dont. I just dont know how its come to this.

Im so not ready for divorce, but i have to protect myself and dc. Unless something miraculous occurs sadly i will be serving papers. [Sad]

Erm !

I personally think that harbouring hate towards a person is more likely to do you more harm than good.
The every time you see him reminds you that you love him is why NC helps it creates a distance naturally. I understand that in your case that is not possible with kids.
The love you feel will slowly go because it's not being fed. Breathe and let it go.
You don't know what's in your future and you may one day view this with completetly different eyes anything is possible.
On a practical note can you do anything to address your evenings, a phonecall with a friend or family member, facebook messaging or a friend or work colleague over for a chat and a glass of wine. Maybe try and look at getting out once a week for a couple of hours? I know not easy but think baby steps.