Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

Just want to say I agree with others and I mentioned before this is all on him. His failings, his fault, his guilt not yours. Don't take it on it's not yours to carry.
You can move forward free of this your conscience is clear. You have all good things awaiting you.
When my marriage broke up I had to pick myself up from the gutter, I had no home, no money, no friends, no job, no family support (not relevant to you but I was also emotionally/physical abused and had many issues from that to deal with as well). But I was determined that I would make a life for myself I clung onto that determination even when I wobbled. I did it as well. You can also do it. You have your kids, a job, a home, mumsnet and you have mentioned some friends. That's what you can build on.

Hi girls,

Im well aware he is off loading blame. He gave no explanation to begin with as to why he had 'fallen out of love' with me. Amongst his text messages to me which again show he is all over the place are two that actually say - its all on him, i dont deserve it, he cant forgive himself etc etc. He has not looked me in the eye since christmas, just a cold stare that goes through me. I know he feels guilty and cant face me, needs to avoid me.

It took him three weeks to come out with the libido reasoning. Dont get me wrong he has a point, but i simply wasnt aware it was that bad for him. He says i dont listen but he never addressed it properly, how can we begin to sort a problem if its not spoken about?

I know its not my fault, however much blame he attempts to put on me. Nobody around us sensed a problem, including his family. The news of our split was met with disbelief. Unfortunately theres going to be the truth and his truth.

Thanks for the meet up offers hopefully someones close by. Im worried of giving myself away.

Y x wouldn't look me in the eye either, I remember that more than anything else.it hurt like a bastard.

Yes that look. I have asked him why he does it at first he said he doesnt but then said because i know what ive done to you. So if he feels guilty about the pain he has caused why then continue landing more crap on me time and time again? Ive got to stop it with the whys!

I am going through a similar situation to you Cant and am also in the South East. I am more than happy to meet you for a coffee/chat. You can pm me. I don't post much here because I find 'chatting' this way very difficult at the moment. Maybe when I hurt less. I can, however, talk the hind legs off a donkey in rl. Let me know. I really feel for you x

You can't sort a problem in a marriage on your own. He doesn't want to sort it. He has chosen to fail. Not you. It's time to accept that he has failed and you have to choose to stop trying to work it out.
Say your piece to him ask your questions agree not to discuss it again.
Walk away with head held high.
Say goodbye to your marriage by say lighting a lantern and sending it into the sky or whatever works for you. Sometimes carrying out a physical act to release something in your life helps.

Oh yes. The look.

talulah that would be great for both of you.
I had two friends going through a break up too and it was anazing support.
I remember us all sat at my kitchen table changing our x's names to "knobhead" on our phones

The 'look' - it's because he wants you to hate him. When you hate him, he will be justified in walking away, because you will never consider a reconciliation with someone you hate....You will be the one who is 'throwing it away' because you hate him. He will then be scott free of guilt. Same with the bad treatment.

Hey Cant, justto let you know I'n thinking of you and hope you're OK x

Hard hard day today. Back at work, back in routine. 10 hrs of a physically and mentally draining job. Surrounded by 'happy families'. I really should have been busy enougth to keep my mind occupied but alas its consuming me. My work colleagues are concerned as they think im fading away. I suppose i am in body and soul.

Saw H tonight. We had a chat and it was ok. No nastiness or anger. It was almost normal. He left but as soon as he shut the door i let it out and cried and screamed and cried some more (the dc were not about). Why do i love him? It would be much easier if i didnt!

I have now sorted all tax credits/ benefits etc. I have tried saving as much money as i can by pulling in the belt. Im moving on practically but emotionally im not Its as if im still in shock.

Struggling with myself!

canty why don't you do as so many of us suggested and go no contact? We know what we are talking about and counsellors often suggest the same.
Each time you see or talk to him it will unpick the wounds.

That's how to stop struggling.

Can you decreased your hours? You are single parent now, the kids need you there more and you are running a home single handed.

Canty ledkr is right. Although I know NC is so hard, it is the only way to give yourself the space and time to start healing. As an added bonus, he will hate it. It will puzzle him as to why you are no longer following the script and dancing to his tune

Sadly it is the only way.

The power of no contact is incredible, it's like the magic wand you so crave.
I'd say it was the catalyst for getting better

Can I recommend that you read the book I love but I'm not in love with you anymore by Andrew G Marshall. I am reading it at the moment I saw it recommended on a couple of other mumsnet threads. I know thats its to help couples but many seemed to have used it post break up. You may find it helpful.
If you can stop talking to your H please do. He has lost the right to any of you even a conversation, he's lost that privilege.
I hope you have a good day today.

I cant go NC as it stands at the moment. Now i am back at work after being signed off and then the holiday ive got to get back in a routine. It means H has to look after dc a couple of eves and saturdays ( thus giving him arranged contact). As he has no official or even suitable residence he has to come home and look after them in the evenings and put them to bed. There is no way round this.

I cant reduce my hours even with the extra benefits etc i now receive.

Had some sleep last night. Woke up but that feeling is still there.

Of course you have to see him that's Ok. You have to discuss kids etc just don't get drawn into any other conversation with him. Treat him like a polite stranger no need to be rude hold him at a distance. It will hurt but then so will leaving yourself open to him.
I really do wish you a good day.

Well then he needs to sort his shit out pronto doesn't he? How some he gets to act like an arsehole and still be the one telling you how it's going to be with the kids? NO!!!

Stop making it easy for him. Don't let him call all the shots. Take back the power.

I know it sounds like empty words from strangers on the internet and we have no idea what it's like for you. But I promise you that we do (well a lot of us do!) and we empathise with your pain and want you to learn from our experience - or in my case, mistakes!

Agree with everything BitOutofPractice says...wise words.

The inability to go NC is difficult.
I had similar, also due to circumstances and it really doesn't help! I found initially that I loved having him around, but when the fog lifted and I saw him for what he was a cowardly, snivelling, bullying arsehole I hated it.

It's the 28th today cantty are you going to start divorce proceedings?
You gave him an ultimatum - be strong and take control of this. Hard though it is, you will not regret it.
Remember this is all down to him. He has caused this, not you. You gave him a chance and he's thrown your love and kindness back in your face - time to get tough girl.

Just as an example, I allowed my ex to string me along for 5 months, picking me up, dropping me, letting him call the shots, break my heart over and over again.

On 8 January 2013 (red letter day) I got angry. I stormed round to his place. I called him on all the shitty things he had done to me. Shouted. Called him every name under the sun mostly spineless cunt then I walked out of the door and I have never set eyes on him since.

I was devastated obviously. I can still remember it so so clearly. But at least from that moment I had time to breathe. And think clearly. Not about what I would say or do when I next saw him. But about my future and recovery.

It was only NC that did this.
I know you have to communicate about the kids. But that can be done with short, to-the-point emails

I have taken legal advice and i will file asap. Its hard when my heart doesnt want to but my head says something else. Its all happening so fast! I have booked mediation but he hasnt agreed it yet.

Due to work it makes sense for him to have contact on those days. Im not letting him call the shots. He forced my hand about divorce and mediation, but i started the ball rolling. Ad far as i am aware he has not been in contact with a solicitor.

Im finding it hard as i dont want this. Im shattered into a million pieces and im trying so hard to put myself back together again.

He has to look after the dc at home on the evenings o work as i dont get in until after bed time. Where he is staying is not suitable for the dc overnight.

The conversation we had last night was ok. I didnt cry in front of him. I didnt beg him to come home. Infact i chased him up re mediation. Im trying sooo hard.

As Bitoutofpractice says when she went Nc she was able to think about her future and her recovery. By getting everything onto a more formal legal footing it will give you the chance to heal and recover. It will take time and your heart will fight your head. But at least you are giving yourself that chance as it stands you are going nowhere.
FWIW I mentioned this thread to my DH he was speechless that a man could walk out on his family without at least trying. He seems to have forgotten his marriage vows "for better and for worse". I know I sound like a stuck record but he left he broke his vows not you.
You will heal it will take time just take it one day at a time and try and get the best out of each day and slowly you will make it.
I like to understand before I can move on and I get the feeling you are the same use the internet read books write it down whatever works for you. We are all different and we all process at the different paces and in different ways find what works for you.