Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

Thanks all,

I am here for the kids and i will be more help in time. We all need to heal. Although i am concerned about their upset it is still early days.

Clearly i obviously dont want a divorce but i accept its inevitable. I cant just book mediation due to both our work schedules, both parties have to be in agreeance or you could lose the service.

H called me back, he sadly agreed to let me book. I then asked him again how it has come to this and why all the lies. He refused to answer so i told him i would be round immediately. He was not best pleased.Unfortunately i had to take the kids too.

I can confirm he does live with mil. It didnt start out great, but no row took place, a little heated. I found out more about his 'holiday' , that he went with a mate -someone i have only heard of a few times, a relative new member to his circle of friends. I found this to be believable especially as he returned worse for wear and battered (again out of character). Im not stupid, i realise it could be an ow but i have my doubts.

He was a bit mean over the fact im on medication. Told me i didnt want him to see the kids etc etc. I said it was untrue, if he wanted to play like that i could too but i wouldnt. I reminded him he had made this ugly. I told him if he wants to have any kind of relationship going forwards its got to be more amicable. I told him that i knew he wasnt coming home in my head, but my hearts not accepting it just yet. It thawed a little at this point. He still insists he just doesnt love me and hasnt done for sometime. He reckons he has bottled up his feelings and couldnt admit it to himself. He has sighted intimacy as the main factor.

Im the first to admit we were no longer flying all over the bedroom like teenagers. It wasnt great as i posted earlier but my love for him was strong. He never discussed it as an issue ever. I said i was sorry if he had felt that way, but he hadnt addressed the problem so i was unaware it was upsetting him. We left on reasonable terms. Hoping we are in a better place now...

My next question is- H says things changed after dd was born. Ive been thinking, i fell pregnant both times whilst religiously taking the pill (5&7years into marriage). After DD was born i had the mirena iud fitted- could your sex drive be effected? It would never have crossed my mind before. Just interested as its too late now.

I did cry on the way home. I think(?) I got a little piece of the truth today.

springy I think it's a shame you have come onto this long running thread to apparently be so negative and critical.
Many of us have been supporting cant for weeks now and hopefully helping her in some small way.
You seem to have a lot of issues and bitterness which maybe you should start your own thread for.
This is the last time I shall respond to you so take your goadyness elsewhere, there's a love.

Take his answers at face value and use them as a platform to move forward.

You've done great today.. your post has a calmer/acceptance vibe to it?

Time to make plans for yourself and your kids.

Sorry can't answer your question about BC.

Take Care

Don't blame yourself/libido etc. it is what it is and it's clear he won't change his mind on the near future.
I think that over the next few days you will begin to move forward as you are seemingly beginning to accept the inevitable, that along with your recent anger is a really good sign.
Have you seen any of your friends? That's where your main support should be coming from.

Ledkr thanks i feel a little calmer. Im not going to say no more tears, i dont think they will ever stop completley.

H and i seem to be in a better place to move on. I am wary though, not nessessarily over an ow but that he came across a bit lost. Im not defending him anymore, i can at last sense he is putting on a front. I suppose it will come out in the wash. Im just hoping we can stay at the least on the terms we parted on today.

One of my big problems that ive come to realise is that i havent got any close friends. I invested all into H for years, he was my besty. I didnt think it mattered, i was happy! Now i realise that im all alone.

Aw bless you, I did the same but was able to pick up with old friends who I'd kept in rubbish contact with, I'm so grateful for them.
It's the lack of friends that is not helping you as you need them to talk it over and over and over with until you get it clear in your head. It must be so hard for you.
How about work friends? Family?
I promise you will be happy again.
When I found out about my x affair I literally felt unable to breathe never mind live, but as you have done I just got on with it and gradually got my life back.
I never thought I'd ever get over it but I was fine even after about 4 months, you are a strong lady, that will stand you in good stead.

Don't beat yourself up about things he says, it is all part of the script.

I promise you will be happy again too. I had lost touch with most of my friends and my life revolved around ex and the DCs. It took a long time, but I did get through it and built a different life. Just take a day at a time.

And you have got friends,you have got people to talk to - you have got us.

I have friends just not close ones. My family are doing their best but are not close by. I feel very alone. I have long lonely evenings or end up in bed after kids are in bed. Of course this then means i start fretting about everything, then no sleep thus more fretting.

Strangely i have just read a thread on mn (that was just this minute below mine) that was discussing the affect of the mirena and libido! There seems to be a big link. Yes it makes no difference now, he has gone.

It would rarely be just about sex honey. I've spent the last two years hardy having sex because of being ill, lots if marriages stand up to that.
You must be so lonely. I know I said this before but I have two really close friends who I met in mumsnet last year, even a coffee would be nice.
If you arranged a meet up or just start a thread to see who is in your area, you really need friends and your dc need other people in your lives too and to see you happy.

There are lots if people on this thread is anyone near canty she needs friends godammit
Where are you again? Ill meet you halfway in the Easter hols if its not too far. I have 3 and 12 yr old girls.

Woah, hang on, I meant it when I said I wish you, or someone, had been around to tell me that my kids needed one constant adult, and that cantty's kids have that. It wasn't a dig, I was serious! It's a huge relief to know that.

the mirena etc sounds like a red herring lovely. They do that, rewrite history, making out it's this or that. It's all lies, making you doubt yourself, making you take the blame. Because they won't take the blame for the awful thing they have done, so they pass it on to you.

The evenings are the worst aren't they. I was very lucky as I did have someone to talk to who knew exactly how I was feeling and I don't think I would have got through it without that support.

cantty - I will happily talk to you by pm or email or just off line or anything.

Thanks Ledkr.

Im doing better than this morning. Going to bed shortly. Hoping to sleep. Trying hard to keep it together. Never felt so lonely.

Honestly i am bubbly by nature but i am so far from being 'me'. I am popular at work and can generally chat to anyone. Im currently in hiding, too ashamed this has happened. Everyone knows somethings up as im so skinny (5ft 10 size 14 now a size 8).

Before all this i was happy, safe and secure. H apparently was none of these, it hurts and makes me feel blind.

I dont mean to sound like ive changed my tune. Its over. I can not change that.

Thanks for being there for me!

Im south east coast, being vauge just in case....

The mirena was my thought, not his! Ive just realised it COULD be a factor- but its too late now he has gone.

Cant I commented on that thread about the Mirena coil and loss of libido, it happened to me. But my DH brought it to my attention that he felt unhappy about my loss of sexual interest (I hadn't really noticed a problem until he pointed it out!) and we explored options that might make things better for the both of us. It is completely unfair that your DH didn't speak to you about this if it is, indeed, the true issue and I personally am very sceptical. Blaming your reduced sex drive seems straight out of The Script. I'm infuriated on your behalf. Please try to reject this responsibility.

5ft 10 and size 8 woah there girl, you'll be fighting them off night night.

Not slept a wink again so so tired. The only time i feel ok is when im sleeping!

Ive been thinking things over as you do when you cant sleep. I know youve all told me not to but its tough.

Anyway im starting to feel calmer though not anywhere near relaxed. I think i have owned up to myself and Im starting to see H differently. He looks the same on the outside but has become cold on the inside. Hand on heart i promise i didnt see this coming, H seems to think it was obvious. Why would i plan holidays, weekend breaks, day trips and talk of our future? Why did we talk and laugh and joke? Why didnt he just speak up? Sorry for all the bloody whys again, its more frustration.

So this is what i have decided to do. I will tell H although I still love him and dont want a divorce i accept thats the way its going to be. I have a few questions to ask but will only require a short answer, then we dont speak of all this mess again other than in the mediation room. No more snide comments/ mud slinging from either side. Then we will let the dust settle and maybe have a cup of tea. I wont be all smiles(forgotten what they are, normally got one permanantly glued to my face). I will be pleasent/ and polite, maybe indifferent at times. This will be my way of getting along sensibly. Hopefully we can work things through this way. Got to do it for the Dc.

Ledkr, yes back to the weight i was at 18. Body not quite the same though!

I'm sorry you've not slept again, I was the same and used to plan their murders in the small hours.
The sleep normally comes back once you are eating better but it's a killer, you will also feel better emotionally when you eat and sleep.
I think your plan is fairly good apart from the cup of tea as I don't think you should try to be too friendly just yet as it will leave you vulnerable.
Telling him you accept things is good but at the same time please secure some proper maintainence and childcare so you can have a break and dc can see him.
Why not start running or other exercise while he watches them? You can firm up your new trim figure and it will help you to sleep and feel better.
South east coast eh? Hmmm I have a camper van!

springy sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick. S

I would be very sceptical about your lack of libido being the cause.

He had options - he could have talked to you or communicated in other ways (email, letter etc). He could have organised counselling.

Instead he chose to walk out on a fantastic set up and a lovely family - all because of this? Bullshit.

He left because he chose to and because he is a selfish twat - he does not want to look like the bad guy so is landing all the guilt and blame at your doorstep.

Agree cant. He is laying the blame at your feet. It'll be something else next - you didn't make his lunchbox, or were too busy with the dc...

I'm near the south coast - Gatwick! Anywhere near?

Oooo captains lets force arrange a meet up, I'm happy to travel especially if I can pitch my van at a nice site for a few days.

Yep - camper van sounds brill! Wish I had one.

dunno about inviting Cant tho, she'll make me the fat one

It's only a small old camper but I luffs it.

Yes I agree she will make me feel like an old heifer I was also a skinny dumpee but I put it back on enjoying my new life.

What missScatterbrain said with bells on. He is trying to blame you for his spineless behaviour. If it weren't so pathetically predictable, it'd be laughable

As for asking him questions, I'm going to reiterate what I said yesterday. It doesn't matter. The chances of you getting truthful answers are slim to zero. And even if you do get the truth which you won't it won't change a damn thing. You won't feel better. It will probably raise more questions. And yuh will still be in the same position, only more hurt. So really, it doesn't matter. It took me a year to realise that. And even now I still sometimes spend a sleepless tearful night wondering where it all went wrong. But really. It doesn't matter now.

A meet sounds like a great idea. Or how about planning a really great trip just for you while he has the kids. When this happened to me I jumped on a plane and went travelling alone. Very empowering. Why not go off to visit friends?

I am sending you unMNy hugs and the strength of us all behind you to get you through another day and another day closer to being happy again