Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

Maybe this is when your kids will benefit from some regular formal set times for contact with their Dad. You know what is best for them and have their best interests at heart and you will make the best judgement for them.
I wish you a peaceful night.

Im not sure if spending time with him is ideal right now. However, i will not stop it or put barriers up. I want H to know and understand what he has done to the dc. Ivw already told him whats best for the kids isnt nessessarily whats best for you....

I think I said it before and someone else has repeated it - take no notice of anything he says as its all hot air - either designed to make him look better or to make dealing with you easier. All you can do is see what he does - good or bad it will give you the answers.

You are getting stronger, you will drive yourself crazy trying to analyze the whys of it, you may never know. All you can do is take each day at a time, you will get stronger if you make your own life with your children separately from what he is doing/wants.

You do need to be hard and do what is best for the 3 of you - he will bleat and possibly shout they generally do but ultimately you need to do what is best for the children even if it leaves him resentful and out of pocket...he started this ball rolling didnt he.

Ive not slept at all for 3 nights, im so tired.Sleeping tablets not working. Laying in bed all night my brain churning things over and over. Thinking of all the things we as a family are unable to do anymore. Thinking of all the pain still to come. My hands tremble. I feel so alone. I feel desperately sad. Going to be a bad day.

Cant - what can't you do as a family? List them out. Go on hoiliday? Done that. Decorate the dc bedrooms? Why not? Move house? Course you can.

Honestly - don't let that clutter up your thinking. You can still do stuff -as a family. You still have your family - he doesn't! He is the one who should be depressed over stuff he can't do as a family!

The worst of the pain is over - now you need to build some barriers so that he can't hurt you any more. Anger is good for that! Fake it till you Make it.

You are not alone.

This cool as cucumber thing he does is a front I bet he has to build himself up to face you and the kids. Personally I would view him with a thick fog around himself that when you try and talk to him the fog confuses the messages.
His failings are not your failings. You have been a good wife, he choose to opt out his choice his guilt his failing not yours. You can have a clear conscience he can't.

Don't let him pass his guilt on to you, don't let his negative views cloud yours. From your perspective you had a good marriage keep that positive and carry it with you, do not let him rob you of all the positives you had from your marriage. Remember who you are not what he wants to see. Hold on to the truth if he chooses to see another "truth" that's his issue not yours. I don't know if you know the saying "the truth will set you free" Think and feel your truth keep it hold it and let that give you strength.

Try not to respond to his texts about how the kids are. I say this because he's passing the responsibility of parenting on to you and by asking you it saves him the bother of doing it himself. Tell him he needs to ask the kids for himself they need to see their Dad show an interest in them. (I know that maybe he is not ready for this but it's time that you batted stuff back at him)

I know if I was in your boat I'd be tempted to tell him that you have been a good wife, but as he has not been prepared to communicate his concerns to you to work on the marriage the responsibility for your marriage failing falls on him not you. If he really wants to carry all the guilt and failure than he can knock himself out you can't take any of it because he won't let you (as in trying to work it out) Thank him for letting you go and taking all the crap and the burden of it. You are free absolved of your part he has given you a gift that you can move forward without the burdens he is (choosing) carrying.

I understand that my views may not be yours of anyone else's but maybe their is something in here that you can use. I do hope so.

Sorry meant to also say think of your feelings as an "April shower" they can be gone as quickly as they come.

Hey cant, have an unmumsnetty hug and give yourself a shake to face the day. It might be a bad one but it too shall pass to misquote someone or other

I'm going to say again, don't waste any more time or energy on trying to analyse him, decipher why he has done what he's done, second guess him or work out his motives because...and here is your mantra for the day...

IT DOESN'T MATTER

No matter how much you ponder and churn and worry and fret, it won't change a thing. It won't bring him back. It won't make you feel better. It won't change the situation. Even if you ask him, it is HIGHLY unlikely ou'll ever get the truth. So

IT DOSN'T MATTER

Say it out loud to yourself if you start doubting it.

What DOES matter now is what you do. How you feel. What you want.

To be blunt my love, he is not giving you a second thought. He doesn't care if he's hurting you or the kids. He couldn't give a stuff what you want. He is moving onwards and forwards. You need to play him at his own game and do the same.

So, wash our face in cold water. Make a strong coffee and sit down to make a list of what you need to do today, and the rest of the week. You can do this. You've already survived the worst and things will only get better from here on in. We are all right here behind you, cheering you on nd believing in you.

Have only read first page but noticed you said you'd have him back even after he was so mean to you on Christmas day. I just think that was no way for him to tell you. He didn't have to be so devastatingly mean.
That is very immature of him too.
I would have seriously lost respect for him saying that.

Sorry to hear you're feeling down today.
What do you have on your "To do" list?
Anything that might lift your spirits?
Think I need to write one too x

Re him not contacting you to check you got home safely, this is a red herring. He knows that if you didn't get home safely he would have been contacted - he would know. It's another example of how he has detached from you all - he's very good at it. And you need to start detaching from him too - it will really help you.

He didn't contact you to see you got home safely because he didn't need too plus he didn't WANT to.

And YOU did go on holiday and YOU got everyone home safely. YOU can do this stuff for and with your DC.

As for focusing on what will never be, you don't know that that would have happened anyway. We never know what is around the corner and you have found out that your H was not the person you believed him to be. He has treated you appallingly. Access and work on that anger.

I hope you can find a way to be more present today. Drink sugary tea. Talk to us, talk to your RL support. Keep processing this and you will move through it.

Got the kids up, fed, cleaned and preened them. Got to school early. Have been doing the housework. I have just called H but alas no answer. I have not heard from him since this time last week. A bit worried as he is supposed to pick up dc from school friday while i am working. He probably thinks that its organised as he told me 2 weeks ago, i would like confirmation though!

I was going to ask him where do we go from here? If he wants a divorce (which i guess he does) we need to book another round of mediation. I cant live like this anymore. Its not right and its not fair. I didnt want any of this, if i had a magic wand....

Really sobbing now!

Hi Can’t. I hope you don’t mind me dropping in but your threat resonates as I was going through a similar thing around 3 year when I posted a lot.

I just wanted to say that I recognise the sheer disbelief as to how quickly a marriage can end without any advance warning. Until it happened to me I would not have believed such a thing to be possible without clear warning signs. I would not have believed that my best friend, confidant and lover could turn into what became (and sadly remains) a vindictive, cruel stranger that treats me with contempt and has erased any trace of the man I thought him to be, the relationship I thought we had. At the time (and honestly still now) it felt like a terrorist raid on my life and I was left reeling with a 2.5 year old, a lapsed career (and in my case in a different country from which I was unable to move legally from). Oh and I was in the middle of IVF. I’m writing this because I can still viscerally recall the undulating feelings of sheer terror, sheer rage and sheer bewilderment and could not begin to imagine how I would recover from it.

Three years later this is still a work in progress but, and it’s a big but, we are getting there. But I wish I could have seen into the future and I wish I had not spent the last three years going over and over what had happened, how it could have happened and what I could have done or said differently (in my case an OW from work whom he is now with and they are expecting a child soon). I have wasted countless nights raging against the injustice of, allowed it to take up too much mental space and thought that by acting reasonably I could get on a civil or reasonable footing with my ex for our son’s sake. LITERALLY it has taken the events of the last few weeks (not particularly pertinent here to go into details) to have a bit of a ‘come to Jesus’ moment. And it is this….

HOWEVER I behave, whatever I do, whatever my intentions are, he (and in my case OW turned girlfriend) have their own narrative about me. To view me as a real person does not fit into the paradigm of me they have invented that justified his/their actions. I have quite literally spent the last three years railing trying to make sense and navigate the unnavigable and I am now putting steps into place (getting expert help) to assist me in managing my ex’s behaviour towards me that has the minimal emotional impact upon me.

So my darling, if I could go back in time and give myself advise – which I hope you won’t mind me offering to you (given I failed to take it on board and quite frankly wouldn’t have been ready at the stage you are at now) is this. Take time to mourn the man you knew, the relationship you had, the future you had. But be stronger than I was. Do not let yourself (as much as is possible) be caught up in the maelstrom of dancing to his tune, changing attitudes and behaviours.

You need to try and protect yourself, and your children, as much as possible. And this also involves cutting yourself some slack. Of COURSE you are desperate right now. Who wouldn’t be if they were in a relationship that they thought was for life that has been pulled out from under their feet with no warning. But all of the things that seem so insurmountable now will turn out not to be so very insurmountable after all. There are things that will be different and not as you wanted or imagined but you, my love, will have many happy times again with your family. It seems so unlikely right now but you need to hang in there and know that you will do so again and that opportunities will arise that you were not able to do before. I’ve posted this before but one of the quotes that really helped me through shitty shitty endless nights was this one.

There is light and there is darkness. There is always a bit of light. Stay with this light, just with that little bit. Don’t look for a bigger one. Stay with what you’ve got. It’ll grow. Stay with the small light. Very important. Stay with it. Don’t stay with what you haven’t got. Light is light.

Your light will grow I know it (although to be fair if someone had told me that a few weeks in I'd have probably wanted to punch them)...but it will....

Oh Cant

But come on! Why are you asking him where you go from here? You decide that! Stop handing him all the power on a plate. Imagine how good that makes him feel - that should be enough to stop you in your tracks. Why would you want to make that spineless slimeball ffel good? And in control? You are SO much better than him!

I would put some contingency plans in place for Friday - don't expect to be able to rely on him.

Take control - come on! You can do this, I promise you can.

Make that to do list - do it here if you like. I started it for you!

Well done for getting DC up and off to school.
Wondering what else you might have on your list for today. Anything nice?

As well as a list of jobs to sort out - tax credits, council tax, finances etc, you need to make a list of things you like doing and make YOU a priority. This could include hair and beauty treatments, meet ups with friends, trips to an exhibition/show, whatever will lift your spirits.

You need to stop focusing on him - he does not deserve your head space or consideration.

Why can't you book the next round of mediation and text him the details?

Except don't go to CAMHS. I can't stress that enough, sadly (some people may have had a good experience but the huge number who haven't is a warning). Sorry to be dire about it: needs must.

Personally, I think that telling them their dad 'loves them' is a bit of a headfuck. NOT that you are fucking with their heads - of course not!- but that he's not acting it at the moment and let's not tell lies eh. He may 'love' them but he's going about it a funny way. Best not to bring the 'love' question up imo. He's hurt them terribly and that's that. This sounds hard but they wouldn't be the first. It's how you manage it from hereon in that counts.

Perhaps you could say he has hurt you all, none of you understands why. From the youngest age kids understand very acutely that people can do bad and wrong things; they have an acute sense of right and wrong, justice: they see, and need, a clear sense of right and wrong. imo they need to make sense of this, that he has done something wrong and hurt you all, though you don't know why. I used the phrase 'poorly' with my little ones eg daddy is poorly in a way we can't see but it means he's doing some things wrong - and, yes, it hurts.

oops, sorry, missed a page!

Spring? Can I just say that u should t really be telling people not to use camhs as its often people's only option.
Camhs are massively under pressure as so many chikdren are referred to them and they simply cannot cope but the actual work they do can be amazing.
I'm an adoption support social worker and camhs often work well with our cases.
Often parents just want a quick fix for years of damage and then are frustrated its not so easy.

I held back Ledkr but the truth is that I went to CAMHS when we were in a similar position to the OP ie traumatised, grief-stricken kids. I thought it was the sensible thing to do, to organise support for my kids. What followed was so horrific, so kafkaesque - words fail me here. And it caused unbelievable damage to our family, from which we are still to recover.

I say it Ledkr because, it turns out, me and my family are not the only ones to have been chewed up by the horror that is very often the CAMHS service - we are far from alone. It seems to me it a postcard lottery - you can get lucky (as you have) - but luck isnt good enough. I will repeat: don't go to CAMHS or your beleaguered, hurting little family could well be destroyed. I don't say that lightly.

re therapeutic support: I have always been a believer that good therapy is worth its weight and that if it takes making some major financial adjustments then so be it (re pay for therapy instead of that extension/holiday/car/etc. Find a way, any way...). Someone I know who is seriously loaded hit a major crisis and gnashed her teeth that the support she was desperately in need of wasn't available, didn't exist, on the NHS. She was astonished when I suggested she pay for private therapy - she wasn't being greedy, it simply hadn't occurred to her. I think it is the same for a lot of people - it doesn't occur to them that you can pay privately for it. Most therapists offer a sliding fee scale.

BACP - where you can check the credentials and experience of the person you see. Unlike the NHS.

But children traumatised by divorce are not mentally ill and that is primarily camhs remit.
It's a culture now to immediately seek "therapy" but kids can hurt and be ok as long as they have a secure attachment to at least one parent.
My own children were affected in various ways by their father leaving us for a VERY young girl who was friends with my older chikdren, I had a baby and was just getting over a mastectomy and chemo. Pretty shit but we all survived together without the need for intervention.
I'm not defending camhs but I think you shouldn't completely discredit it as for many that's all they can afford or access.

Am sorry to hear that Ledkr. Hope you're all OK now x

Thanks juggling it was a while ago, all good now!
cant how you feeling today?

but kids can hurt and be ok as long as they have a secure attachment to at least one parent

how I wish you had been around to tell me that at the time, which would have stopped me going to CAMHS. I thought I was doing the responsible, sensible thing, the best thing for my kids. it turned out to be the very opposite.

So there we are cantty, your kids have a secure attachment to you. Phew!