Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

We arrived home last night. Husband still hasnt made contact to see if we got home safely. Why not check up on the kids? How can people just change like this? Maybe he is cutting us all out of his life. Hes broken all promises he has ever made to me and any he has made since he left home. He has failed us as a family. For what?

During the first week after he left home he spent it getting drunk and angry. I told him he couldnt see the kids in that state to which he responded "if u want a f###ing war youve got a f###ing war". I didnt receive any form of apology for that. We started getting on a little better the following two weeks. Then he told me he was working away for a week. Thats when he made the fatal mistake of going abroad without my knowledge even though he is already going away in march. He declared war on me, im going to make life very difficult for him (not the kids). Ive just got to stop being so emotional and get that ice queen look you all talk of!

You will get it love. I remember my friend telling me to stop being so reasonable, I did, god it felt good!
Now it's time to start making plans for you and the kids.
It will be such sweet revenge when he sees you getting along without him.
Oh and stop expecting anything from him too, he's now a dick and will act accordingly.
My ex kindly posted scan pics of his new baby in Facebook on Friday which was lovely for our children who he hardly bothers with. I expect nothing less from him so I can't be disappointed.

Ive got no idea when we will see him next. We will just dont know when. Difficult to put a brave face on at a drop of a hat, need some pyching up mes thinks!

What i really dont get is what would be better than our family life. I cant see what made him so apparently unhappy. He is giving up so much. He will have to live in a 1 bed apartment/studio (dont mean to sound like a snob), he will barely be able to afford the bills. I have always paid the lions share as i earn more. I think he has no idea of the financial hardship he is going to create for both of us and in turn the kids. Im well aware finances shouldnt be the thing to keep us together. So the only attraction for him has got to be the prospect of being with someone else. He wont be a great catch as he will have no spare cash and lots of baggage. He doesnt want and i mean doesnt want any more children, but then again....

If i refuse to sell until the kids leave full time education he will have to continue to pay half of the mortgage. I picture him having to live with MIL for many years!

How can someone act so selfishly? He never ever mentioned let alone addressed his so called issues! And he thinks this is best for the kids!

dear cant
I am so sorry. I am writing this as a concerned mother of my DD who is in a similar position, although she doesn't have children (they were planning to very soon). I have cried whilst reading through your post. I cant imagine the hurt that you are going through, but your posts describe it so well, all the mixed emotions, the bouncing from hope to despair. My DDs partner left a week ago, he was her first and only love too, she feels her world is upside down. As a parent, I have spent just as much time in tears, but tears of sadness and fear for her, the sheer helplessness in that I can do nothing to help. She lives quite a way from us, so she has temporarily moved in with friends as she understandably doesn't want to be alone . We saw her briefly last week, but she had to get back, I know these friends will support her, she said they have cried with her, tried to coax her into eating, and generally being there for her. She has some very important law exams in a couple of weeks, which she has worked so hard for, so she says she has to focus on these, but like you, she is not eating or sleeping. I am trying my best to support her, but realise that her friends are probably more useful. I just wish I could help in some useful way. I hope you, and all people in this horribly sad situation will in time gain some peace, and ultimately again find happiness in the time ahead x

Hi

sadonherbehalf

So sorry to hear your dd has found herself in a similar situation. Was she given a 'real' reason as to why he left? I was given nothing at first, then a bit of tittle tattle though nothing serious enougth to warrant breaking a marriage and family for. Again cruel timing, i do hope she can keep her brain in the right place for her exams. It will be a tough ask though. Whatever you do its always on your mind.

Yes, its a mixed bag of emotions. Im still very very sad and low but im getting angry. Unfortunately its irrational anger at the moment. Even now if he came knocking on the door i would have him back (i know, i know girls!). Im still in shock 8 weeks on as your dd is. Im still grieving the loss of my marriage, kids dad, and my best friend.

I ate again whilst on holiday but im back to real life now, ive not touched a thing again today. My appetite has just vanished because of the stress of it all. I know i cant afford to become ill for my DC sake. Funny thing though, some people turn to drink in situations like this, i normal enjoy the odd glass of vino but its the last thing id want to have!

I feel guilty that i come across self pitying. Hubby certainly feels hard done by, ive got no idea why. Ive heard diddly squat from him again and he tells me he cares....

Wishing you and your DD all the best and hoping she can get on an even keel soon. She has the support of you and her friends.

HELP! Need to be calmed down.

Raging, dont want to say something i regret. Husband still has made no contact to ask if we/well the kids have got back safely. He text during our holiday to say he 'realises' how i feel and cares for me, is worried and concerned etc etc. Dont get me wrong there is no suggestion of him coming home. I just think he is truly out of order. We arrived home around 1am this morning and i had to get kids up 7.30am for school. I had no sleep, so im knackered. As i said earlier my angers irrational and i will probably end up fueling a fire but i so want to give him an ear full!

Advise to either calm down or how to handle. Grrrrr

There is no way to "handle" it. Just try and let it go.
You cannot change his behaviour, only how you react to it

Take a deep breath, drop your shoulders and let it go. You will only wind yourself up by having a go at him, confirm his suspicions that you are a mad harriden (you're nit but ykwim), and will not make one tiny jot of difference to him

I know all this sounds so easy. And I know it's not. But I have been where you are nd speak from bitter, bitter experience

Breathing out abit. Counting to 10. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, and 10. Will let it go...for now!

Im so upset. We never, ever rowed and at this moment in time we just cant see any way forward. He has made no effort. The sad truth is i know what he has become (weasel springs to mind, a bit tame?) but ive still got the same feelings.

I know cant. It's heartbreaking. And so fucking bewildering when it comes out of the blue. I truly do sympathise

It' just not worth wasting a single second of energy or emotion on him that you don't have to. You can bet your bottom dollar that it won't make any difference, and will only bring you down.

Concentrate on healing yourself xx

I never delete my text messages. I have a couple of years worth on my mobile. I have printed them off. At least i have 'proof' that i have not been unreasonable at any point. Where as he has sent me some awful ones (swearing and name calling). He has probably painted a different picture to his friends and family. I have the truth, well as far as that goes.

Its going to take a long time to heal. Especially when he has kept telling me i will be ok?

I will have him in the end, one way or another...

I never delete my text messages. I have a couple of years worth on my mobile. I have printed them off. At least i have 'proof' that i have not been unreasonable at any point. Where as he has sent me some awful ones (swearing and name calling). He has probably painted a different picture to his friends and family. I have the truth, well as far as that goes.

Its going to take a long time to heal. Especially when he has kept telling me i will be ok?

I will have him in the end, one way or another...

Oops. Posted twice!

Hello Canttypefortears, I'm sorry for everything that you and your children continue to go through.

I wonder if it will help, especially at this point and time, to remind yourself that from now on, your H's words (text, verbal, whatever form) are meaningless. Consider them to be pointless and senseless white noise. His actions (or lack thereof) are where his real truth lies and that is what is worth your efforts to pay attention to.

I would suggest wasting no more of your energy trying to rationalize these discrepancies between his words and actions. (For example, the fact that he tells you he cares (words) and then does not check in with his own kids following your holiday (actions)). This may help to fuel your anger and sense of control and minimize some of the confusion that you have felt over the last few weeks (understandably).

I won't take up your thread with my story but this technique did help me cut through the mixed messages I was getting when I was going through similar a few years ago. I wish you all the best.

YY talk is cheap, as are words in this situation.
Look to his actions re you and the DC. What is he actually doing??

Please try and eat something - toast? Soup?

I know deep down he has been a true nasty bastard. He says i dont listen, i do, i just dont understand. Im not stupid yet he takes me for a fool. Im his and his mothers little joke, they are laughing at me! He is 35 and living in a tiny 1 bed flat with his mother!

Having a weepy moment. I cant believe this is MY life.

I am so sorry, I remember all too well how you are feeling right now.

I know this is cold comfort but he doesn't want you to understand and you may never fully understand why this all happened. However, I can promise you that you will get to a place in your life with your children when you will feel happiness again and you will no longer care why this happened.

But that doesn't help you now, necessarily. All you can do is take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself. Put one foot in front of the other, rest when you can and eat and drink when you can. Cry when you feel you need to and then put one foot in front of the other again. You really are doing an amazing job and are being a lot stronger than you are giving yourself credit for.

i am in a similar situation to you right now cant. Apart from i have children and am pregnant too! This post has really helped me through things, all the useful advice you have been given has really helped me too, especially when it comes to the ow! I think the person who said stop listening to his words and concentrate on actions is spot on!! Try ignoring all calls and texts from him unless they are about kids. Do not under any circumstances contact him first about anything and spend as much time with friends as possible. Have you got anyone you can confide this whole story too? I feel like i know you already though, having been reading this for weeks, while going through the same thing! My thoughts are with you, keep posting and updating us all, we do care.

Sorry to hear you are in the same boat especially whilst expecting newtothis.

Ive just had the worst experience bar the night they were told by their father he was leaving. My Dd (6) told me she hates daddy. My ds (8) has said he is angry at dad. Both were crying. Sadly it made me cry too. Being back home has made it real again, he has hurt the dc terribly but only considers his own feelings.
I cant tell H because he will asume im making it up or putting words into their mouths. As an earlier poster presumed i dont use my dc as a crutch and i wont hurt them. My role is to protect and nurture. Whats H for anyway?

Your babies will learn their self worth from you, you're amazing you are still there, you care you are their world. I wish you all the best.

Thanks

Dc know i will never leave and its mummy whos here for them. But I and I mean I have told them daddy loves them too. He does,but he has gone awol for the time being, hope it will not last. He acts cool as a cucumber when he rocks up. He is not. Somethings not right, time will tell.

Feel helpless, as if its my fault the kids are hurting. Forget my pain when they are feeling it too. They are missing their dad, but he only thinks of himself.....

You are an amazing mum you want to fix their world. Your DC are blessed to have you as their mum. It's awful to say this but you can't fix what their Dad has done to them I'm so sorry to say that to you.
You are going to have to draw the positives from this it's hard but your babies have you, no-one and I mean no-one can replace a mum. You are their mum you love them you want the best for them you are on their side. They are blessed to have you and as they get older they will realise that. You are a good mum, you are doing the best for them in an awful situation. I really want to encourage you I can see how amazing you are from your posts.

Canttype Its taken me a few weeks to get through your thread on and off whilst meant to be working.

Im so sorry for the way this bastard has treated you, I cant even think of an explanation to help you begin why he has suddenly changed.

I know you have been given some great advice on here though and I hope you read back over it once in a while in your weepy moments to see how far you have come already. The best advice I have ever been given is to treat them mean to keep them keen. In other words you need to work on your catherine tate face - when he rocks up all non chalant, you pull the face - am i bovverred!, when he says hes still unsure of his feelings, you pull the face - am i bovvered!!

sooner or later he will get the message, you are actually ok without him, and you know you are and you will be, You have your children your house, your job. Looking at him now hes like a dead weight around your neck. You life may seem crap at the moment but I swear this time in a few years you will laugh at this post and wonder why you wasted so much time on the little scrote!

On a more serious note though if your children are really bad would you cinsider making a dr's appt for them to discuss it with a child psychologist, my cousins 5 year old was suffering from night terrors after they split up, seeing a counsellor has really helped her to settle back down. Theyre not as formal as adult appointments, but set ina child friends place with lots of toys. Just a thought anyway. Keep strong, Keep posting, get your strength from us! and most importantly, take care of yourself!

Oh i so wish i wouldnt just well up! I gave H everything he has betrayed me and couldnt care less. He has hurt MY kids ( where the hell is he?) and i cant forgive that. He will worm his way out of the woodwork in a day or two.....