Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

Yes. It sounds crap and it is crap. She is officially in a different town though! Ive only recently found out the actual address. He has been staying there, fact.

Im at a loss what to do. I think thats quite clear from my posts. At this stage i have kind of (never say never) ruled out someone else, although im aware of the possibility. Its more as if he has simply got bored.and had a meltdown! There was nothing to suggest we were on the rocks. Everyone who knows us, friends and family on both sides are shocked and find it all so strange. Maybe i should accept he just doesnt love me, but why tell me like this when we were such good friends?

People say 'you dont know what goes on behind closed doors', hand on heart nothing remotely nasty or strange happened behind ours. It was all happiness. Im not seeing it from just my point of view, he enjoyed things together too.

Reading this back it does scream ow, but i still dont think so. There is no excuse, he has hurt all involved. I cant help how i feel.

Im so sorry. Im a lurker. But your situation mirrors mine exactly,except i got told the exact bombshell on new years day, not christmas.
It has only came to light today there has been an OW from 3rd november!
I would never hav thought my husband would do such a thing to our family. We were perfectly happy. The envy of a lot of our friends. Every single little thing was perfect in our lives!
Until that horrible sentence. I dont think i love you anymore!!! A bolt from the blue!
He has been the nicest remorseful husband this past week, wanting to come home. I was so happy, until i found out about OW. Who incidentally doesnt want him anymore, hence him trying to win his 'family' back.
Sorry OP but i do think there is an OW.

Can't type, can I gently ask why you don't think there is an ow?

His behavior as 99% of posters have said is textbook.

If he were bored, he would have told you, if he were depressed you would have noticed. The only thing that really accounts for the 'bolt out of blue' is another woman/women.

I realise the possibility. And if it is it again cant have been going on too long. His.opportunities were very very limited. How could men do something so stupid though? They have a loving family at home and go.and throw it all away for what? I am semi prepared for this news but it will kill me all over again.

Im so sorry RMO this has happened to you also. How are you coping? Im getting through. On the inside im broken and unfortunately on the outside the cracks are beginning to appear. I have lost 3 stone so rapidly and my face is drawn. I am managjng everyday life ok, getting kids to school , caring for them well, housework and work. If i carry on as i am i will drop.

As far as my marriage, only time will tell. He has been given his thinking space, i need to know where i stand...

I suppose the reason i dont think ow is that he had witnessed this first hand with his own mother. It goes against his morals. He was always home in the evenings and there wasnt mhch scope in the days because of the type of work he does. All his annual leave was.spent with us.

Yes he had the odd evening out with friends at our local and was back at a decent time.

I know what you are all thinking....

I would speak to a solicitor if I was you and find out how you would manage if he didn't return to live with you. That isn't anything final, you might get together again next week, you might get together again next year but at least you would feel a little in control and it will keep your mind busy. Looking out financial info, planning what you have to tell them.

You could end up ill if you lose weight so quickly and need to find something else to occupy your mind, all this waiting and worrying is really not good, though I'm sure I would be the same in your position OP, I don't mean to belittle things.

I have taken legal advice, and been in contact with tax credits etc. I just dont want to get the ball rolling just yet. He only walked out 4 weeks ago and the nightmare started 6 weeks ago. Things are moving far to fast. I love my husband theres no denying that, but i dont understand him right now.

I havent got that angry yet, but i should have. Last week when i last saw him he was so confused with himself. Not so much remorseful more lost in a minefield,I feel lost too. The difference is he caused this mess. He knows what he has to do to come home.

I have just read your thread OP and oh it's upsetting to see you so low. I remember so very clearly the exquisite pain of a broken heart

I really can relate to the way you have gone over and over and over everything in your mind looking for answers. Why? When? Over and over and over again.

I did the same this time last year when my DP finished it with me. For reasons similar to your DH. I just couldn't make sense of it at all. I tortured myself with what I had done wrong. When he had stopped loving me. How I could make him love me again. Everything you have done.

Of course, he had stopped loving me when he started fucking someone else. Then it all made sense

FWIW I really don't see, even if he deigns to come home (the fucking arrogance of the man!!) how you can come back from this. You will always be waiting, watching, scared that it will happen again. Your life will be always one big ball of anxios anticipation.

You need to close this book and start a new one for you and the DC. Because until you accept this is over you can never move forward. Take advice learned from bitter, bitter experience

Good luck to you. I wish you all the very best

I am not coping very well. I put on a front and got all the financial things, tax credits etc into my name. his mum told me not to b so hasty as she believed he was having a break down as he would never cheat on me, she said his marriage vows meant too much to him and he saw his father cheat on his mum so would never ever do that. all my in laws and friends said there was no chance of an OW. I really believed there wasn't as he simply didn't have the time.

how wrong we allt were!! I am now at the angry stage. I know me and my child will b fine, I have support and will get over this. he has nothing but regret for losing his family. we have a holiday booked for June to Spain with PIL, they always come with us. me and MIL removed his name from the booking yesterday. im sad about this as our family holidays were always amazing but he chose to fuck it up.

Oh RM I could have written your posts too. I was in total denial too. My "D"P would never cheat, he loves me too much, we are so happy, blah bla blah. All bollocks of course

I'm sorry you are going through this too.It's just awful. I'm glad you have so much support though and at least, now you know the truth, you can move forward x

He is living 5 min walk away and has seen his DC only a handful of times in 4 weeks - how can that be so? There is something not ringing right about that - if it is just him and his Mum then surely he has plenty of time to see them? And he could take them to hers? Many many options.

It does sound like there is something/someone keeping him occupied.

I just dont want to believe it, i just want the truth whatever that maybe. I dont know how i will react.

He was having second thoughts and doesnt want to progress with getting divorced right now. For him financially he would be better off getting divorced rather than living seperated. I know he wont return because of finances.

I dont believe he will actually come home. He knows he has f*ed up, i think his pride may get the better of him.

Just wish i could get over the shock, pain and feelings of failure i have. People post that dh has moved on, i beg to differ as he is all over the place.

I know things will never be as they were before but i think if that opportunity arises i would try again. But then again the ow scenario....

He's not all over the place cant. He is calling all the shots.

He decides he wants to leave. He decides he is leaving and when (which he seems to do pretty thoroughly). He decides on mediation. He decides when to see the kids (which is not often). He decides to push for a divorce. He decides not to go so quickly.

All you have done so far is react to what he wants (that is not a criticism. I recognise the rabbit in the headlights feeling very well). And wait till he decides if he wants to come home.

You need to take control. Not of him because you can't do that. Of yourself and the kids. Stop letting him waltz in and out, buildng you up and knocking you down again time and again.

Tell him you are tired of him controlling you and the kds and have decided to stop waiting around for him and getting on with your life. That you are taking legal advice and advising all your friends and family that he has left you and the children for reasons unknown.

Because until you do that, he will continue to string you along and mess you about - which (and be very sure of this) is definitely what he is doing now. He is controlling and using you. He is not in a mess. He knows exactly what he's doing to you. And he doesn't care.

Well i think he cant face me. He can see what he has done. Initially all i could do was cry, then i got a bit angry, then bewildered. He has seen the weight just drop off me and my face is gaunt. Everybody says you can see the anxiety etched in my face. The kids arent sleeping at all well. They know whats going on, they know it was daddys choice. I have not said a bad word about their dad to them.

Cowardly, guilty i dont know. It looks bad, and ive been changing my mind like the wind-is there/isnt there etc etc.

I see him again soon. He has had his thinking time. Lets see what he offers me this time.

Yes. He can see what he's done. And he doesn't care. If he cared he would be trying to move heaven and earth to make amends. But he's not. Because he only cares about himself. Not his loyal wife and innocent kids.

Oh Can't. Don't wait to see what he can offer you. Think about what you want to offer him. Please please please stop letting him call all the shots.

I know you don't feel strong but fake it till you make it. Stop letting him get away with this atocious behaviour by making excuses for him.

I'm sorry if I sound stern. I'm just saying what my RL friends said to me last year. And they were right.

He won't offer anything but more heartache - I agree, he doesn't care. And seeing you upset makes it worse so he will stay away as he can't take the guilt of what he has done.

I don't understand why you won't sort out the working tax credits and other stuff now - he has you dangling by a string. If he wanted to be with you he would - he is just prolonging the agony.

I still think he has an OW - you can deny it all you like. If he wanted to find the time for one he would

He has left you, he isn't coming back - you need to get on with it and stop waiting for him. Sorry.

cant you have had some fabulous replies from the last couple of posters who are so recently in the same boat as you.
Please listen.'
He has gone. For whatever reason.
He seemed confused when you saw him but they do, it's a mixture of guilt and discomfort.
You have latched onto him needing time to make a decision but he's spoken with his actions, he's gone.
You keep saying "he's only been gone 2/3/4 weeks but will you stil be saying that in a year.
You keep saying how terrible you feel and how you long to feel better again.
The secret to that, the magic wand, is to accept he has gone and move forward.
You don't have to get divorced, I didn't for years.
But you need to get finances sorted and stop letting this sorry excuse for a man walk away from his responsibilities like he is.
If he does have an ow look how easy you are making it ffir her. No kids, no financial responsibilities or time commitments.
Come on.

cantty he is just leaving you hanging, he doesn't care about you or his family. if he did he would b beating down the door to see you and kids and begging forgiveness, doing everything to make amends and prove his love.
He is not 'all over the place' he knows exactly what he is doing and more than likely waiting to see what his OW wants.
you are being led up the garden path and clinging on to hope that simply isn't there. he is calling all the shots and being very cruel and selfish. but it is textbook, you are only prolonging the hurt. you need to take control now and be strong, think of your kids, he certainly isnt.
I know too well how hard it is but I have came on leaps and bounds since I took control and told him where to go. You really will feel so much better about yourself if you take control and accept that HE threw his lovely family away. not you.

Anyone else itching to line up and punch this absolute wanker in the face?
Canttype you sound so lovely. I think part of the problem is that you are crediting him with attributes that he just does not have. You are a nice person, who took her vows seriously and is committed to the "through thick and thin" ideal. Of course he's not having a breakdown! You're clutching at straws because you can't believe anyone would behave so callously otherwise, because it's not in your nature. BUT HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN THIS PERSON and I'm willing to bet that it's your easy-going, forgiving nature that's just over-looked the nastier side to him over the years and made excuses for him, as you're continuing to do now.
NO ONE would do what he did on Christmas Day if they were any sort of decent person. There is no excuse on this earth that can justify it. He was telling you who he is by his despicable actions, and how you could possibly even look at him again is beyond me. Why Christmas Day ffs?! It had to be then??? Because he couldn't hold it in any longer??
Bollocks!
I SO would like 5 minutes in a room with your cowardly, spineless STBX and a pair of boxing gloves. Or a shovel.

I'm worried now that I've been too stern! I hope you're OK can't The cold hard truth is so very hard to swallow I know.

I let my exDp string me along for 5 months. PIcking me up. Dropping me again. Proposing one time. Then not hearing from him for weeks. I have never felt so low or desperate or scared. Once I knew the truth of what an utter shit he was, I called on my inner anger and started moving on.

Don't waste months and months of yor life, getting thinner and iller and more distraught, waiting for him to come back and rescue you. Rescue yourself.

Not quite as blunt as I was, outofpractice!

I was probably too blunt too - sadly have been in the same situation and don't want op to make the same mistakes I made.

OP you deserve so much better - if this was a new boyfriend would you wait weeks on end for him giving you nothing? I know you are clinging on to the past and what you had, but that has gone now. Your ex has destroyed it totally - you cannot get it back. And even if he does come back - he will do it again. Mine did - came back twice, and each time it stopped me moving on and being happy. It was a relief to finally get rid and take control of my life. And now we are so much happier without him. I thought my life had ended, the grief was palpable - but moving on and away from him is not a bad thing, it really isn't.

Clam

I suspect that he told cant on Christmas Day because he was upset at not being able to spend it with the OW

I too did the making excuses for my exDP because I just could not square his appalling behaviour with the fabulous man I had fallen in love with. I tols people he was having a mid-life crisis, he was worried about his kids, etc etc etc. What a blind fool I was. In fact he was a selfish, self-absorbed, lying cunt. I see that now.

Just as a PS to that story, I slowly slowly rebuilt my life and my heart. I went out with friends. I went on a holiday of a lifetime on my own. I had some great mindless sex. I spent more time with the kids and went on adventures with them. Ad then, unexpectedly, I met a wonderful man. Who makes me feel more happy and secure and content than I ever have and I am very happy. I would never have guessed that in a MILLION years when I was in the place that Can't is now

clam I'm with you mate, I'll use the shovel to dig the hole

Op by accepting he is gone you will be able to carve out a life for you and the children.

By that I mean.

Secure finances- so important for you and the children for the next reason.

Make some plans- a day out at half term, an evening at the pics with pizza after, all this will sooth the children's anxieties as they see that life will still be nice without him.

Rebuild old or start new friendships. I used to have friends to stay the night with their kids, we'd cook nice food and watch DVDs or sing on the karaoke it was lovely.

Even have a night out or two or start preparing for that holiday you have booked.

You keep saying it's only a short period of time since he left but if he's had had the bloody guts to insist it was final (which I'm stil not sure that he hasn't) you would have been feeling a little better and stronger by now.

That's is the tragedy of this whole situation, you wouldn't have been over it but you would have been over the very worst days instead of being in this limbo?

Why don't you ring him today and say "look, are you planning on changing your mind or is that it have we split for good?"

Then tomorrow can be the first day of the rest of your lives.

bitoutof I did similar! had a bloody great time! amazing. Travelled, partied, shagged and had so much fun with my kids.

I am also remarried now and very happy, he is gorgeous and ten years younger we have been together 8 yrs and have our own little girl. I adore him but I know I'd be ok without him and that makes for a very secure relationship.