Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

He moved every last item out the day he left. Sounds like he meant business didnt it!

Im worried im getting my hopes up too. I dont think i could feel any worse than i do but then again...

The last time i saw him he really was unsure of his feelings. He was the one pushing for divorce but is suddenly worried of making a mistake?He has asked for time so I have given him that. He has checked up on the kids once. Other than that its as if he doesnt exist. Ive decided to go NC as i see little point me pussy footing round him! Again, i do know where he is and for the time being its not with an ow.

What truely bothers me is the effect on the kids. They miss their dad, especially now they havent seen him in a week. They also see that im so sad, i wish i could be the mummy they know. Not the fraught, anxious mess i am at the moment. I wish i could laugh again, wish i had life in me.

This is the time when everything should be about the kids and i. The problem is letting go of my 15 year marriage, the love of my life (sorry a bit corny) and my best friend. He did wake up as a stranger that day and i really dont know why. As ive said if nothing changes for my good by the end of the month i will start moving forwards legally.

He has only contacted the kids once in 5 weeks!! Wow. That is terrible. And he took all his stuff when he left? I am sure he has been planning this for a while, I would also prepare yourself for the fact he isn't coming back. Seems he moved on a long time ago, and all this keeping you on the back burner in case his shiny new life (& OW) turns out not so shiny and he may want you back at some point.

Honestly, tell him enough is enough now, stop wasting another moment waiting for him. You deserve so much more. And yep, I sound harsh, I had to do the same after 16 years of what I presumed was a loving relationship. Bloody fool me huh? Don't make the mistakes I did, get rid now. The sooner you do, the sooner you can start your new life.

I hope you don't think I was calling you a doormat my love?
I know how hard it is to carry on afterwards and we all have to do it whilst looking after children which leaves little time for ourselves.

Like others I just know that the absent partner finds it even easier when the left partner is sad and needy rather than feisty and coping.

You do what you need to do, we will all be here to support you whatever happens.

Sorry misunderstanding! Due to him living away and work commitments we are unable to see him this week. He has checked up on them once this week. He has seen them a handful of times in the past 4 weeks. He is missing them and wants to come home but doesnt want to come back for that sole reason. He wants to come back for me. I dont want him back unless he can do/prove that.

Unless he has got a very wealthy ow he wont be experiencing a shiny new life. He will struggle big time, and again thats not a reason to come home.

I am giving him this time, i know where he is and ive gone nc. When i see him again he is going to have to tell me where he is at. If it doesnt go the way i wish (i realise a lot of you think im on a hide into nothing!) He will soon work out he has lost the best he could ever get. Ive been really good to him in every way over the years. I was a good, caring and loving wife. I know i deserve more than this, its eating me up inside.

Ledkr,

I didnt think you were calling me a doormat, just like im being treated like one!

Im trying not to justify what DH has done (cant bring myself to say x yet :-( ), just understand a little. How can they change overnight?

If it turns out to be a meltdown, despite his selfishness i will stand by him. If its an ow he will regret everything! I dont buy that he just doesnt love me anymore, there were no obvious signs.

I didn't have any obvious signs - and there was an OW. And mine showed all signs of a breakdown once he left, and he has no money and all the other excuses you come up with - he had OW and several salacious online dating accounts, and was sending messages to all and sundry all the while telling me how much he loved me, etc.... Honestly, I still cannot believe it now but you need to open your eyes and see what he is doing, I bet there is an OW, whether you find out is another matter but I would stop hoping if I were you.

How fucking dare he treat you and his children like this?
I think your husband is acting in a very callous and cruel manner. If he knew how he felt, he should have sat you down and warned you that the marriage was on the rocks way before it got this point.

He is being selfish and mean towards you and I wouldn't be suprised if there is OW, or he wants to at least explore other women.

FWIW I think you should close the door on him as I suspect he is going to lead you an emotional merry dance. But if you decide to give him another chance then I think you shouldn't make it easy for him. Let him jump a few hurdles and deny him your bed until he fixes up.

And you certainly are not unlovable! Don't let his behaviour get you down and thinking negatively. Even if you were the wife from hell you would deserve better treatment than this shitty behaviour.

Look after yourself. Rest, eat heathly even if its very little and talk to someone sympathetic. Concentrate on your children: I've been through it and I promise you better days will come, with or without this man (i use the term loosely) in your life.

I wish you all the best.

Poor you OP. What hell you are going through (((()))

I've only read your posts so I don't know what others think - but, reading through, I can't help wondering if the OW is his mother. Sometimes poisonous people sort of gas you with toxic gas when you get within their orbit. Sounds bonkers, I appreciate, but I have had experience of people like this and they really do poison people.

Looks like you had a lovely childhood (apart from the terrible loss of your brother ) but he didn't. He kept his distance from her because of her toxicity but she moved closer and he dropped everything and went running - which is understandable: when you've had a toxic parent, you hope and hope that One Day they will be different. You say she consistently bad-mouthed you, distorting the truth (imo you could get anyone and, using half-truths, turn them into a monster). What's to say she's not doing the same now.

Anyway, something had turned his head. Whether it's an OW, his mother, his toxic family....

Well done for keeping the show on the road when you're in absolute bits. I hope you can find some way to manage the month stretching ahead, some way to find your footing xxx

Spring

Youve kind of nailed what i have thought. She is/ was the mil from hell! He loves her one moment hates her the next. She wouldnt encourage him to stay, if anything she would goad him. Normally he would be strong enough to ignore and dismiss anything she had done in the past. I have in recent years not got involved in anything to do with her, i have given a wide birth. He may say unsupportive and maybe i have made it akward. But, she made both our lives hell. You know, you have a daughter for life and a son until hes got a WIFE! I dont think it was anything personal, i could have been any girl stealing her 'boy' at 20 years old.

I think for your own state of mind you need to tell him you need to start the ball moving with regards splitting up and if he decides that you can work on it and you are happy to do so then everything can be stopped at any point and if he hasn't decided by the time your signing divorce papers then you should know he just wanted to be able to say you did it you split the family up. This is how it comes across I would not be waiting any longer to possibly have that smidgen of a chance that he may decide he does want to be with you again I would be taking steps to move forward but leave the door open until those papers are signed then shutting it firmly and staying friends.
I have been through this and it's not nice it says a lot more about the man than about yourself but your children will get hurt more if they see you in a state of limbo constantly they need to see you moving forwards wether with him or alone they will then start to understand and they will start to try and move forward please understand I'm not being horrible but speaking from experience and one thing that has always stuck in my mind was my dc saying how could we move on and be happy when you were so sad remember that it helps

So hard when you love, want and miss someone so much. I dont know how he feels, he certainly doesnt dislike me but he is obviously confused about everthing. We have got something worth saving but i fear his stupid pride will get the better of him.

We have got something worth saving but i fear his stupid pride will get the better of him.

What do you have, right now, that is worth saving? Think back over the last 6 weeks and how he has behaved. Dont think about the good times before that, this is the new him. This is the him that you would be getting back together with, not the old model you knew and loved. He isnt that man anymore.

So, what is it that you have worth saving?

If MIL is that bad he must have had a weird childhood. And did you say that his father left them, or two-timed?

I read somewhere in a self-help book of a parent having emotional and mental problems when their child reached the age that they had been when a major crisis occurred in the parent's own childhood, if you can follow that. Is your DS the age your DH was when his father left, OP?

Perhaps clutching at straws but if his unhappy childhood issues were never dealt with (as your childhood loss eventually was, OP) perhaps things are coming back to haunt him.

Then that sounds like emotional incest. Which is a big deal and fucks people up.

Because he's acting like he's in love with somebody - hence the sudden cessation of his love for you, like a train changing track; he could have 'gone back' to his first love: his mother. But not a natural mother/son love...

An old friend of mine has a mother like this. I've never seen such a carry-on when he and I had a fling when we were teenagers. She screamed (literally!) and cried and practically beat her breast the silly cow like her heart was breaking. I was banned from their house for decades - she still doesn't like me. He's gone on to have THE most dysfunctional relationships with women and the mother theme is still an extremely sensitive subject with him. In short, he's fucked up.

The mil thing might be strange to others but it makes a whole lot of sense. Whenever she was back on the scene there was a tension in the air. It was if she was holding a competition which didnt exist. I always came out on top because i never said or did anything but she would come out with all manner of lies (dh knew this). Mil has had all kinds of issues the last 6 months and dh has been trying to see her through. The timing is all too coincidental. She seems to have finally won.

If it is a screwed up relationship with his DM which is largely the problem I can't see it being resolved unless he does something about it, so you trying to win him back is unlikely to be successful, or perhaps you will win him back until the next crisis his DM creates.

Why did he want to move away?

They are as thick as thieves right now. She will be supporting the decision which is right for 'him' and not encouraging him to try and work things out. She will be bigging up all the little minor niggles we had to make me look like the bad guy. Rubbing his back, 'there,there darling'. Blahh

I will admit i havent made things easy, i always made it clear how i felt about her to him. Although when she came over, which was rare i was accomodating, kind and polite. I was never a bitch over all.

So maybe the stress his mums put on him in recent months and my making it akward has imploded something in him.

He is not with his mother this week so at least he can think a bit more clearly.

Its all so selfish, what about the kids too? I always thought our family unit meant the world to him, i think he might have come to realise that again. Who knows what will come when i next see him as he has holed himself up for a week to think....

He said he misses his kids yet he saw them just handful of times?

That tells me how much he cares. Only as much as is convenient to him.

I think his mother is a convenient red herring, I'm sorry OP. Time should tell though...

He is an adult male, no one is able to pressure him into doing what they want, he will work it out for himself.

Maybe take a step back but enable visits to the DCs so that he is reminded what he is losing.

He probably needs long term therapy but I'm sure that won't happen.

OP - and when HE decides that what HE wants is your 'family unit', the soft comfortable bed you will make for him, the wonderful, stressfree life HE will have, (thanks to you, who will be doing absolutely everything to make his life perfect) when HE decides that he will grace your house/home with HIS presence - what then?

Do you think it will all go back to being as before? You will both be still 'in love', soulmates, best friends? How can you be best friends with someone who has done this to you and your dc? How could you stand to look at/sleep with someone who has behaved so selfishly, and arrogantly? even if it is a 'breakdown' does not give someone the right to walk away from all responsibilities, financial or emotional or otherwise.

I am glad you have decided to go NC.

He is making it as easy and convenient for himself as he can, MIL no doubt keen to fuss round him. Renting was probably more expensive than he realised, he is giving you little towards the family budget, waiting until he has saved enough to move, assuming you are sitting meekly waiting for it to happen.

He won't like it if you don't pursue him, but he will realise you have taken back control. He has forgotten that you value your own happiness as well as his. He hasn't fought for your marriage, he just gave up.

He is an adult male, no one is able to pressure him into doing what they want, he will work it out for himself.

I would beg to differ on this when you are exposed to someone who is extremely toxic.

It may or may not be the mother behind all this, but the change in him was dramatic and sudden, and coincided with his high level of contact with her when there had been no, or little, contact for some time. She's not a stranger, either, but someone who will have sown her tendrils deep into his psyche from an early age - it wouldn't be too difficult to tug at the invisible line. There may or may not be something else going on but imo it's too much of a coincidence that all this has kicked off when she resumed heavy contact with him.

Mil has tried causing problems over the years but we never let anything come between us. We had no problems at all when she moved away. She moved back last summer. In hindsight this is where things become a little strained as she become very needy for him. She has also shown little interest in dc but will make out shes fantastic with them. In reality she saw them 4 times last year and she only lives 5 min walk away!

He was a great dad and adored the kids. Yes, he has only visited them a few times since he left. I so dont understand how his feelings have altered overnight! I do think he intends to be a big part of their lives but currently he has a funny way of showing it.

Im hoping he is using his time to think long and hard (and hopefully not entertaining a new model) about what the future holds. Clearly i would have him back. I know it wont just go back to normal. Normal would be different.

if he is staying with his Mum is he only 5 in walk away now?