Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

Becool,

Thanks, that does seem to be the right way forward i suppose.

Im struggling at the moment coping with the kids, long work hours and household. Im all on my own. My health is not great (im normally really fit!) , my immune system is down at the moment. People tell me i seem ok, but look very thin and drawn! I dont feel fine, i feel almost vacant. I have not thought of anything other than this in the last six week. It is quite litetally killing me. I will be ok, i love my kids dearly. Im also under the gp.

I just dont understand anything any more. Why did this happen? How did this happen?

Yes he has caused me and the kids insumountable anguish so, hes got alot of explaining and work to do if he wants to come home.

Tired, lonely and heartbroken x

Op, one of the first things i did was reduce my hours and claim tax credits which will also help with your childcare bill.

I was fucked if I was going to look after four kids,a big house and work a fifty hour week, I needed to see the children through it all too.
Can you cut down.

My ex at least paid well and looked after the children while I worked or had a night out, yours seems to have shrugged off all responsibility and is just back to his pre kid life. Imagine if you'd decided you fancied that, what would he do?

What makes him so sure you will just step up and shoulder all the responsibility just because he doesn't want it anymore.

Grrrrrr, he's making me angry just thinking about it, I am so looking forward to the day that you get mad.

Thankd Ledkr

Ive got no flexibility to reduce hpurs unfortunately. I know what tax credits im entitled to etc.

My dh is all over the place at this time. He is paying very little though and yes thats not fair. But, i cant make him pay any more as i dont have a righy legally. What makes me cross is that he left me, he caused these problems and i had absolutely no idea.

Im pretty sure he knows hes made a huge mistake, leys wait and see!

I've tried to comment on this thread repeatedly and ended up deleting them cos the subject manner is too close to home. Anyway, op, you are acting with incredible restraint and decorum. You should be proud of yourself.

However! And the exclamation point is for emphasis, it is now time to think about yourself and nourish yourself with food, alcohol, arts, cinema, whatever. Your ex or otherwise dh can pick up the kids and you deserve, no need, a weekend for you. Whatever works, museum or pub? Manicure or massage?

Can you arrange a break to clear your head?

I'm 5 weeks in after being dumped out the blue. He is dating a younger thinner prettier model with no kids. He came clean today. Still adamant he wasn't dating until we split but I'm not too sure.
I feel like I've been stabbed and I don't want to believe this is actually happening struggling to let go but now I know he s got someone I think f him. I'm putting my daughter first and can carry on to be an irresponsible selfish childish idiot that leaves his beautiful kid and nice home and me. I'm great too. So are u op.

Thats what i cant understand...

We did have a happy life with no true worries. We built a great life together. Two beautiful children living a rather idyllic life (something he did not have). Holidays and trips away. A lovely home in a lovely area ( sorry if i sound like a snob, just trying to paint a picture).

We did not argue, we were friends, we talked. I loved him, and i thought he felt the same. The kids adore their daddy.

Why throw it a away for what will end up being a life of misery for all involved , especially where finances are involved.

There doesnt seem to be an ow (ok, possible) and i dont see him until next week. I do hope he has had his thinking time. I cant bare to carry the way i feel for much longer, its not healthy for anyone. The constant anguish hurts like hell. I cant just pull myself together, it doesnt work like that. My state of mind looks ok apart from the odd wobble on the outside but its shockingly fragile on the inside.

I wouldnt wish this on anyone.

Bumpop (Te he he),

Sorry to hear my situation is to close to home. If you font mind me asking, what did you decide to do and how did things turn out in the end?

My heads not straight yet, im keeling one side to the other. Irrational at times. But, i do know i love my kids and i love my DH.

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Canttype - you do seem to be focussed more on him; how he's made a mistake, how he is going to have to work hard 'if he wants to come home'. I think for your own sanity, you have to move on, consider the fact that he is not coming back, prepare for the worst. Stop thinking of what he is doing, whether he is making a mistake, what he wants, what's going on in his head. NOT YOUR PROBLEM!
No, your problems are your dc, and yourself. You must protect yourself, you'll work yourself into the grave if you don't . It's quite possible he has an OW; as GEM states, they never come clean at the time, but wait to see if the new relationship works before actually jettisonning the marriage.

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We had one of those, but the wheels fell of :o

off even! :o

Ive had to sit on my hands reading this thread, so much...

What comes across is a lovely, warm and giving woman who thinks only of others - her husband and kids - and who wants to go on doing that forever.

Unfortunately, you are not quite realising that your husband is a shit. He really is. You need to stop phrasing it as 'making a mistake' or 'a mid life crisis' or having a 'breakdown'. He is behaving appallingly. He told you he didn't love you - over a present at xmas and then he abandoned you. He's done barely nothing since for you or the kids. He is bleeding you dry in every way.

I know you think you want him back but try and imagine the reality of that: Imagine lying in bed not knowing why he left you unable to quite work it out. Imagine your next birthday. Next Christmas. Imagine the next time you don't feel like making dinner or having sex but you feel like you have to 'put in the effort' because who knows what he'll do if you don't.

At the moment you seem to think having him back is the answer. It is not. Moving on with your life is the answer. Protecting your DC, looking after yourself, making new friends, finding new happiness is.

Ghostly,

Thanks for your comments, mych appreciated!

I know i should be thinking about the kids and i.

I know i dont deserve this.

I know i shouldnt put up with the crap he has put me through.

I know i shouldnt be left dangling on a piece of string.

I know this is not right or fair.

I know ive invested all my time love and commitment into my family.

But i also know he has regrets.

Now its down to whether he can face up and man up to what he has done. I dont know whether he will come home, quite probably not. I know all these things, yet i cant let go.

There is always a but, but he has regrets, but I love him, midlife crisis, etc. He isn't going to come back and I still bet there is an OW lurking.

You are making excuses for him and his behaviour all the time - when are you going to take the blinkers off and see him for what he is.

he treats you all like utter crap and yet you still want him back. The relationship and family you want back no longer exists - he has destroyed it. You cannot sit waiting for him to change, he will only string you along even further.

I think canttypefortears, that good people find it hard to see the bad in others. Especially others that they love.

the fact that you are finding it hard to see that your husband is a hit shows something good about you. People who love other people DO find it hard to see the bad in them. This is a type of commitment - a decision to consciously look for the best in your partner.

Please don't see this as a fault in yourself. But a shit he is.

I have been where you are. It is bloody painful when after a long time you see a hideous side of someone.

a shit, not a hit

He is certainly not a hit!

You have been so strong these past few weeks, canttype. You should be really proud of yourself.

canttype can you call or email XP and insist he takes the children for the weekend? They need time with him and you could perhaps do with some down time even if just to take a hot bath, read something and get some uninterrupted sleep? I think you need to push him really hard about this.

I think you have mentioned he works weekends up thread? He is going to have to reconsider this as if he continues to work weekends then when will he have time to be a Dad, even a part time Dad?

He may be in crisis but so are you.

Nope :D not a hit

No its me that works weekends.

Although im finding it tough, i cant believe he is ripping the family apart. I dont want him to have the kids ay this moment in time, i cant bare to be without them. Im not saying they dont need their dad, i know they do.

Yes he has been a shit, i know! I think he knows he has been shitty too. Im only going to play the waiting game until end of the month.

I'm afraid I am with captain - this is ALL about him and what he wants.

He wasnt happy with the idyllic life you had so putting it on ice until he decides to return to it is pointless.

The only person I know whose husband put in the effort and returned out of love, rather than responsibility, took control very early into the separation

I know you don't want to hear it but you don't know where he's living and he is not regularly in contact (decency alone would make a good father check on their kids even if they are not planning to return)

He NEEDS to do some childcare and give you a break. - TELL him this say "you need to spend time together"

He needs to be told supporting his children, financially and emotionally, is an ongoing responsibility REGARDLESS OF WHETHER YOU RECONCILE. He can't turn back time he is not a young single guy with no responsibilities.

The longer it goes on the more it screams "other woman" to me

Shouldering all the weight of this alone in this limbo is making you ill.

I think in the early days after exh left I also remember thinking it was a breakdown or depression, I ended up feeling quite sorry for him.
Looking back I can see that it was easier to think that than it was to admit the truth that he didn't want me anymore.

Truly though, once I'd accepted that I felt a million times stronger and strangely he then wanted to come back!

cant has he told you he's thinking of coming back?
Or is that what you have squeezed out from conversations with him?
Of course he has regrets, they all do but his regrets aren't that great that he shows it by paying money or seeing the kids.

It's the 7th day of a long month, are you seriously going to let yourself go through this for four more weeks? You think the chikdren are ok but don't underestimate how awful it is to watch you like this.

By showing him you are moving on and starting your life without him you are not ruling out the chance of reconciliation you are actually making it more likely.

I'm going to be blunt now.

There is nothing less attractive than a doormat!

Sorry, but I know you know I mean well x

I was the same Ledkr - complete and utter denial. Poor bloke had a breakdown, we were all running round feeling sorry for him. Turned out the OWomen were there all the time. It is a hideous time Op and sadly we know how you feel. I wish I had manned up from day 1 instead of making excuses for the disgusting behaviour and disregard we experienced when my ex did the same. (he expected me to wait 3 months, not just the 1 so I feel your pain).

Hi all,

Yes it was dh that said he would like to come home. He said his head was in a bad place and that hes got to work out how he really feels. He will only come back if he is commited to me.

I know what he has done is the low of the low. I know i dont deserve any of this. I know it sounds like im in denial. I know i shouldnt be blaming myself. I know ive done absolutely nothing wrong. I also know i love him...

Ledkr, your the second to use the term 'doormat', and i can understand why and what you are implying. However, i have got my house in order, im ready to go legally if i have to. I just dont want to go down that road just yet. He only left home 4 weeks ago therefore i dont think either of us are seeing clearly at this time. Unfortunately it does leave me in a hellish limbo.

Im afraid I have to agree with Ledkr

He says he wants to come home - but not only doesn't - but he isn't checking in to see how things are going at home (Apologies if I am wrong about that)

I think sensibly It may be a good idea to stop listening to what he says (lip service) and look at what he does

I do worry that by justifying his behaviour to yourself, and trying to find less dishonorable reasons for it, you are going to end up being hurt even worse than you already have.

He is more likely to come back if it looks like you are getting on and making a life without him than if you are sitting at home waiting for a call to say what his decision is.

I don't think anyone is saying you should rush into divorcing him - but perhaps it would be prudent to get him to move out all his stuff, get him financially supporting his kids and spending time with them so you get a break. It may make him face directly what life would be like without you and see you as an individual person rather than just "wife" or "mother"