Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

Tm, I want him back for every reason! Yet, I know he has got to come back for me. I know it will never work otherwise. I dont want to be tge dutiful wife who is scared of every move or comment I make, just in case it drives him away. Im confused as to how we got here! I was not afraid of anything or anyone before and I dont want to start now. I had no fears or at least I thought. My greatest fear is losing my best friend, love of my life and the most loving family unit I could of dreamed for. At the moment its in a million pieces.

Thatlldo, im worried also that before my hubby gets his head round the mess he created it will also be too late. That is why im holding on for a while.

However while im waiting, im not really in control am I? My mind is constantly ticking over the what ifs etc. I can think of nothing else. It is eating away at me.

I cant get any sleep.

I'm a bit about you typing things like "He doesnt want to get to a point where he realises his mistake but we are diivorced!"

Why are you still fussing over what he wants?

He has been a monster of selfishness, it's all about him, but everything you write is all about his feelings too.

It's really making me worry about you.

I know you don't really feel it but TBH your response to all this "He doesnt want to get to a point where he realises his mistake but we are diivorced!" shit should be something like "well that's your problem mate - you have behaved so atrociously that I am not sure I love you any more and you may well end up divorced because of WHAT YOU DID. It's not your decision any more."

Even if you don't feel it - he needs to be crapping himself over what he might have thrown away at this point, not being constantly reassured by you that you will have him back in an instant

Yes I agree, he really does come across as making all the d envisions and being an extreme,y selfish man.

You say he loves his children and yet he's paying you the bare minimum and booking holidays abroad. can you see how that looks?

I personally feel you are giving him far too much credit and that if you'd sorted your business and got on nicely without him, he'd be crapping himself right now.
Instead he's having a nice break from family life including financial responsibility.

At the same time I also sympathise with why you are doing it.

All this time you are sat here fretting - what is he up to in this time, he ain't sat there hand wringing is he. You seem to have forgotten the possibility of an OW. You seem to not realise if he wanted to be with you he would be with you - he is clearly not man enough to say he is not coming back, so he is stringing you along and you are falling for it. Watching you waiting is like watching a car crash happening, and we are unable to make you stop and see sense!

You need to sort your finances out now - claim for working tax credit and everything else as a single parent, go to the CSA and tell him to not contact you. You need to show him you are in charge and stop praying he will come back because you love him. you are setting yourself up for so much more heartache and pain in the future if you continue down this path. I bet he slept well last night, or enjoyed a night out with his OW. He certainly wasn't sat worrying about whether you will take him back was he?

Im sorry you all think im being niave. And i know i should hate him for what he has done. Right now i do not understand. Yes it should now all be about me.

I have started claiming tax credits as a single, i have sought legal advice and we have gone to our first mediation session. I have set about going on my own. I just dont want to.

He only left home 3 weeks ago, the while mess triggered off christmas day. It has been at such a fast pace i do believe this could be one massive mistake on his part.

There maybe an ow. I havent dismissed for good, but im not so sure. No, he hasnt come running back yet but as he said he could never put us all through this again. No one wants to make another mistake.

Please bare with me. Ive still got that dead feeling within, you may think im not being rational. I am listening to your advice and concerns but im also taking action too. As i said before this is my last roll of the dice then it will have to be game on.

Sorry if you feel like your hitting your heads up a brick wall!

I think you are in denial tbh - which is understandable - but there comes a time when you will get angry and then you will see the wood for the trees. Many of us have been exactly where you are - please don't think we are being mean. It will feel a fast pace for you, but it won't be for him. He will have processed this and been distancing himself for some time. He prob had his head turned by someone else a few months ago so he is way further on than you are. He would have to be to have left and stayed away all this time surely?

At the end of the day you are the one who knows the most about it and its your life, we are just suspicious wise which is how you will be one day.

The long and the short of it is this.

If you are strong and feisty and show him you mean business then he may re think things.

If you are needy and completely accepting of his "needs" he may reconsider.

The other thing that upsets me about all this is that, having been through it, you would have been feeling loads better if he'd have just gone on Christmas Day instead of being strung along for weeks.

We are not being horrible, you do what you need to do, mumsnetters never say I told you so!

"No, he hasnt come running back yet but as he said he could never put us all through this again."

I am worried that you don't seem to appreciate the significance of this comment. It's quite sinister, actually. Chilling.

It seems to say: "I am a poor lost man, confused by what has happened, ashamed at the distress that has been caused to my wife and children. I manfully, heroically, do not want, nay, I REFUSE to have anything ever upset them again. Because I am so noble and loving and I protect my family from all harm, like a Real Man should."

All bollocks of course.

What he is saying is:

"I broke your heart and the children's hearts by leaving you all, and by telling you in the most cold and heartless fashion possible. To my bewilderment, no one gave me a round of applause. The mediator didn't seem all that impressed with me. One of my mates even called me a twat! Yes really!! I can't believe that no one thinks I am a great guy any more. What's happened? It's really quite hard doing my own washing. And I miss the children. And when I do see them and they cry when I leave it kinda makes me feel bad about myself. And I'm a great guy, right, I work hard, I don't need people making me feel bad about myself. I am not sure whether it's worth my while coming back or not. Am I going to get more sex? Have to do less housework? You know, if I come back - what's in it for me? And if I do come back and you haven't raised your game, I'll have to just go again. Because I'm worth it. And then you and the kids will just get all upset again, all over again. But this time no one will be able to say it's MY fault - because I have warned you this might happen, and YOU wanted me to come back, despite my warnings I might break your heart again."

I think Cantty knows where things stand. Yes, she's in a bit of a holding pattern now, but it appears she's got her little ducks in a row for moving forward. If you stop and think about it, the deadline she's given DH is also a deadline for HER, and I think she realizes that. If DH is still dithering at the end of the month, Cantty, are you prepared to move forward with legal separation or divorce? One of the most important things I learned during my marriage's troubled times is to never issue an ultimatum that you are not prepared to follow through on. Our issue wasn't a possible OW or a mid-life crisis (if that's what this is) but when we reached the breaking point and I told him to GTFO, he knew I meant it. We went to couple's therapy, worked out our issues, and have been together and happy over 25 years.

It is Cantty's decision. We may disagree with her desire to save her marriage, but none of us will be sleeping in her bed at the end of the day, will we? She may not have both eyes wide open, but she is peeking through her fingers.

I didnt mean to come across as if i think your all being mean!

As paddlingduck said, he only walked 3 weeks ago and is now having second thoughts. Its so fresh ive got to give it a chance, if that chance comes.

We have spoken about the what ifs. We have talked about what we have to do and the effort we need to put in to make it work.

The end of the month does seem like a lifetime away though.

You are doing amazingly well just going to work.

Hope you get some rest tonight.

Thanks. Dont feel like im doing too well though! Im managing everything on the outside as normal but ive still got that gut wrenching pain. My mind is elsewhere. I know im extremley stressed about everything at the moment and the weight is falling off me. I have seen my gp.

Its such early days i really dont know what will be. Ive done as much as i can to start moving forwards . If dh wants to come along for the ride he better sort his head out pretty damn quick. I will be sticking to my deadline.

What. Did gp say any help at all?

I was the same, really made progress once the doubt went though ( sorry I know I nag )

On sleeping tabs, although they arent working very well. I either drop off quickly and wake really early or take hours to fall asleep then the alarm goes off! Gp hopes my appetite comes back if I can sleep. I dont think thats got anything to do with it, I simply am not hungry the stress is causing it all.

If you knew the 'real' me im so not stressy, im bubbly and outgoing. My nickname at work is foghorn lol! I feel like a shadow of myself.

Im holding out for DH to come home that is quite clear. He has quickly realised he has seriously messed up. Yes he has caused me a huge amount of pain, grief and anguish. But, if he can come home and give me valid and true explanations for his selfish actions he will get a second chance.

Something is seriously amiss with him and I dont really believe the ow ideas (not closing the door though), he had family issues/stress that he was thrown into not by his choosing. That was about six months ago and in hindsight thats where it may have gone down hill- the kids and I werent the intended target but have taken the brunt of a bad situation. I know this is true.

We are away from each other all week due to work and him not living close by. Whilst I give him his breathing space I wont be contacting him, unless he is checking in with DC. We agreed no contact. Im going to leave it to short, sweet two letter answers, or maybe in the case of 'yes'!

I know he misses the kids, this is about him missing me - since marriage we've only been apart overnight from each other a handful occasions, excluding the 3 weeks he has been gone.what decision will he finalky make? Only he can. And, if he is going to say no he better pick a kind way of approaching it this time!

What I cant understand... yes, we married young but we also landed on our feet straight away. We bought a lovely little home in a lovely area. The value of that home more than doubled in the 4 years we lived there. We moved on to another home, had our two gorgeous babies and moved to our forever home. In this time he started up his own business with the pipe laying. Between us we were doing well having nice holidays, weekends away, decent cars etc.

We lived a lovely life, something we clearly all wanted. He was the only one of his friends that had stable relationship, and owned his own property.

How he can throw this away beats me, he knows I love him. He in particular will struggle surviving financially on his own. It certainly will be no bed of roses.

I ended up eating so I could sleep. I had stuff like yogurt or a banana.
The sleepers should help you nod back off if you wake up, also try reading.
Adrenaline causes the anxiety so if you can get rid of that with runnjng on the spot you will feel a bit better.

Running on the spot? Erm give me some appropriate music to accompany it.... Maybe not anything like 'miss you like crazy ' more on the note of what dont kill you makes you stronger!

I worry when women in your situation write about the 'effort' you'll have to make if an abandoning partner ever comes back. You carefully used the word 'both' to suggest you'd both be doing that, but IME it never pans out like that. Usually, it's the abandoned one who's so terrified of it happening again that she runs herself ragged trying to be superwife, while the bloke laps it all up and makes little effort.

Even more so in this case when by the sounds of it you made him the centre of your universe and didn't even pursue friendships, hobbies and interests of your own, separate to your marriage.

It always worries me when women make their husbands and family their entire worlds, because oddly enough, they always seem to be the ones who get shafted by blokes who want broader horizons and who get so used to being the centre of the universe that any mild bit of life trouble sends them into a tailspin.

Regardless of how this pans out or what's behind this, I hope you'll give some thought in the future OP to expanding your own horizons and will start making a life for yourself outside of him, your children and work. You will lose nothing by doing so and you'll gain so much. It's not necessarily healthy to make a life partner responsible for your very identity.

"He was the only one of his friends that had stable relationship, and owned his own property/How he can throw this away beats me,"

Maybe that's exactly it, but he sees it as "he was the only one of his friends not young free and single, the only one tied down to a mortgage."

The grass is greener, in other words.

Perhaps his mates would jeer at him when he left the pub to come home to you. "Under the thumb!" when in fact they were almost certainly jealous.

I remember my Dad once remarking that all the single men he knew wanted to be married, and all the married men wanted to be single. . .

I also remember a quote from a book, something like "marriage is always presented as something that's for the benefit of women, when actually it's almost entirely for the benefit of men."

Im laying in bed thinking things through. I know what he has done is wrong, selfish and cruel. There is no getting away from that. I have also made the mistake of having no life outside my family.

I want to be in control in the next part of this messy story. I cant move forward just yet if DH is having honest regrets. If he does come home I know its not going to be all rosy and how will I trust him again etc?

In the meantime the worry is killing me.

Leaven that was ultimately why I decided not to try and make my marriage work.
I simply don't have the time or energy to be trying to keep someone with me,
I remember finishing a busy shift and then thinking if better apply make up to go home as he was there with the kids.
It was at that exact point I decided I was moving on!
Op your time will come, it really will.

If you want him to come back, then consider telling him he can't ...
See a solicitor.
Get things moving forwards - for you.
The biggest risk is that when he is desperate to return, you actually won't want him to...

Cantty, you may not realize it, but you are in more control of the next part than you realize. Right now you have decided (making a decision is sort of being in control, isn't it?) that you will give him until the end of the month. Because that's what felt right to you. Tomorrow, you may wake up and decide that you don't want him back. You're just treading water right now. Remember, even if he says he wants to come home at the end of the month, it will be YOUR decision as to whether or not you will ALLOW him to do so. So try not to think of yourself as not having any control over the situation. Yes, his decision is out of your control. But there are plenty of things that you get to decide regarding your future.

I do agree that you need to open up your life to friends and activities of your own. You don't need to wait until the end of the month to do that. Are there community classes that might interest you? Have you looked around at the women you know to see if any of them are people you'd like to know better?

Again, is there crisis counseling available for you? It's just short term counseling to get a person through a bad patch. It may help you with your stress level and give you tools to relax and feel better.

OP But I failed to keep him home. - this is not your fault. You did nothing. You have nothing to be ashamed of - you didnt 'fail to keep him home. ' - he walked away;he's an adult, it was his decision.

He is having a great time atm, isn't he? Holidays, his mum looking after him, a possible OW, money to be saved, no parental responsibilities. And if he keeps you hanging on, he can come back when he likes and you will bend over backwards to make his life even better than it was before! Because you love him.

What about you? When do you get to go on holiday? Who is going to look after you? Who will make your life better, when he comes back? It's not going to be him; he is too busy lying in his bed of feathers that you will have created 'to keep him'!

Honestly - take control. Make him see that in fact you are not waiting about for him to realise his 'mistake' - if he sees you moving ahead without him, he may start to think about what he wants. Get legal/financial advice. The longer you spend worrying about what he wants, the better for HIM! He can spend all the time he likes, at Mums, having all the fun and having you waiting, waiting in the background, for him.

I can't think of anything that would focus his mind as to what HE wants better than you detaching, getting legal advice and starting divorce proceedings, or at least a formal separation agreement. This will also free you from this limbo hell land you are currently living in.

It's an old cliche, but if you love someone set them free etc etc. Let him feel like what it is like to be 'let go'. Let him go, and get on with your life. If he wants to come back he will, and then you can decide if you actually still want him back. You may be surprised to find that actually you don't, and what has been destroyed by his petulance/crisis can't be revived.

Some things once destroyed just can't be recreated no matter how much we want to. Just because we can know and list all the compounds and elements of an apple, doesn't mean we can take those ingredients and make an apple because we want to.

{{{hugs}}} Things will get better.