Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

I did it too, tried to hurriedly make everything ok so I didn't have to face it all and was desperate for my life to stay the same.

I eventually realised that things were never going to ever be the same.

My only concern for you can't is that it is stopping you moving on but as you have set yourself a time limit then maybe it will be ok.

I just remember how much better I felt and how quickly I felt better once I'd decided there was no going back.
My dh had an ow and so I did have something more concrete to go on to be fair.

I think end of the month is very reasonable, Cantty. If he can't figure out what he wants in one month, then he'll never figure it out! (IMHO)

As far as money, if you have enough to pay the mortgage, utilities, phones, food, school fees, i.e. 'the basics', then I guess it won't hurt you to wait until the end of the month to start wrangling about money. The only caveat (and this would be based on US law) is you want to be sure that accepting just 'the minimum' can't be held against you in court when/if asking for more. As in, 'well, you've been getting along fine with what you've been getting, why should the courts award you more?'

I would, however, see a solicitor before the end of the month to have whatever paperwork is needed for increased support drawn up and ready to file with the courts (or however it's done there) if he is still dithering or has made up his mind that he wants to be free. I would assume that you don't have to actually file for divorce to get child support, but then again, not in the UK so don't know.

Got uo this morning. Got the kids sorted and took them to school. I went to work. My job involves working with adults and children and is physically and mentally demanding. I was at work for more than ten hours. I kept it together, even although my mind was racing. Im constantly being asked how I am as ive lost 3 stone in under 6 weeks.People can see my health isnt great at the moment. I lie and tell them ive been unwell and hope to be on the mend soon.

I got in my car to come home and I crumbled. I mean I really crumbled. I got home somehow! Now ive got to sort everything to start all over again tomorrow.

I will be ok in time, I know. But the not knowing what the future holds is killing me right now. You girls know what 'I' want, whether you agree or not with my decision. Playing a waiting game for the time being, dont wish this on anyone.

This is why RL support is so important.

I'm lifting you up in my thoughts, cantty. You're doing great, really you are. Give yourself a little time for crying. It's normal and you'll probably be better for it.

Love, please try to get a hold of yourself.
Eat something and get some sleeping tabs, you are going to end up in hospital, how will the kids feel then?
Even if you are going to delay things emotionally by waiting for him to say jump then at least try to physically stay strong.

You really would have been feeling better by now if things were more clear.

I know your right. My family are not close by, they are doing thier best though! I invested everything into my DH, he was my best friend since I was 20 years old. Kids are going to bed now, I will probably turn in too. Although I will not sleep, I dont know what sleep is anymore. Love my DC so much, ive got to get back on an even keel. Cant stop loving my husband either....

Even if you do get back together, I hope you see this as an opportunity to make some changes to your life - establishing a network of friends, a new social life, new interests/hobbies/training etc. That way you are not so dependent on one person for all your needs.

Scatterbrain

Yes, ive already realised that! It just never seemed to matter before, I dont think I had even ever thought about not having really close friends. But then again I never saw this coming.

I have always been in control of my life,im not right now. Im in limbo, and thats so hard.I have to wait because I really do believe we have something worth saving, even after this. Im going to give him his breathing space. Then I will take control, and try my very best to move on. So so hard.

It must be very hard and I really do hope you will look after yourself, don't beat yourself up if you find it too much/hard to keep going til the end of the month.

The weight loss is great! I wasnt huge before but now im quite small, it is rather dramatic. Of course its not healthy or the way to do it, the emotional side is not worth this!

I suppose I am beating myself up. Firstly, not seeing it coming, then not being able to do anything to stop it, and now not coping in the way I want to or being in control. Dont feel im doing anything right.

I just want to scream! Arghh why does love hurt so much?

Just to give you some hope and perspective, my xh a d I were together for 18 yrs. we knew nothing else.
We had 4 dc, fabulous holidays and a no sky home.
I had just had our dc 4 a much longed for dd when he left.
He'd sat with me through breast cancer and all that entailed.
I felt literally crushed and hopeless, I had no idea how I'd move on and live without him.

It's 10 yrs on and I've had a brilliant life since, the children are happy and I've done so many things I wouldn't have if I'd stayed married.
I'm a stronger, prouder woman.
I'm remarried with another little girl and very happy.
I hardly think about our split apart from when I read posts like yours when I can truly still feel the awful pain.
I just hope that woman who have been through it can give you some tiny shred of hope for the future.
You really will be ok and you really aren't alone.

A lovely home. Not sure what a no sky home is??

Ledkr, your story is an inspiration. You should write a book so they can make a movie out of it!!!

Cantty, have you thought of seeking crisis counseling? Just short term to help you get through this time?

On yes, I'd like Jen Saunders t

Sorry. To play me I meant

Thanks all, i will be ok at some point. I just dont know what ok will be. I cant move on just yet as we are not officially over. At this stage i miss him dreadfully and i still love him despite all this.

The waiting is getting at me and i am terribly stressed. The weight is jusy dropping off me whilst i gain it on my shoulders. I cant and wont wait forever but if there is a chance...

I had a trauma as a child ( death of a sibling), i suffered a delayed reaction to this as a teenager. Im now trying to be strong again with a different type of trauma and im not doing so great.

Right now i cant think past tomorrow. Hoping a lucky star starts shining down on me and on anyone else who is struggling. X

Ledkr, that was great to read.

canttypefortears, oh sweetie. You can literally feel the pain coming off the page. It is awful, it just is. You have been through such a horrible trauma.

You know it gets better right, no matter what the outcome, this part is the worst and you are surviving it!

xx

Hi Cantty - know exactly what you mean about the being in limbo - that is getting to me too - didnt sleep at all sat night & had to get DH to come here sunday to be with kids whilst i took some sleeping tabs & went back to bed. He is in his current place til the weekend and as of sunday hadnt made any firm plans although said he had been looking at rental properties online. I still dont believe he fully knows what hes doing neither do DF/FIL. Every thing i do or think about seems to be leading me down a path without him but I cant let go even though I cant let him back as things are. Before all this i would have been asleep by 9.30ish & here i am still wide awake & not able to switch off

On the face of it my life has always looked like a bed of roses. I come from a loving, caring and level headed family. I have all those qualities too. But, I lost my brother at a tender age and supressed my feelings. I grieved for him properly in my teens.

I met my DH and fell for him almost straight away. We bought our home, got married and had our beautiful children. We had a great love and friendship for so long.I cant believe and still dont really know why its gone bad. Im grieving all over again.

The nightmares I used to have after my brother went to the angels subsided. Now my dreams for the future for my kids, husband and I seem shattered. We obviously didnt share those dreams.

My priority now is the happiness and security of my DC and I, whether that includes my dh- well thats up to him.

It's NOT up to him cantty it's up to YOU! It is very early days for you. The happiness and security of your DC depends only on you from what I read here. It really does boil down to that. Keep yourself strong and healthy. It's early days. Take only today and tomorrow. In time you'll look further ahead. A lot of sense has been posted here for you. None of us are textbook, but it looks to me the blokes are textbook shits. This is only my 2nd post and I have been on mn for over a year, since the bombshell in fact. Take it all a day at a time, take time to grieve, which is very difficult as you know. It is a bereavement with no grave to visit. It's all very hard and very new and tender for you and my heart goes out to you. xxx

Hi thatlldo

I think my DH probably knows he has cocked up big time. I didnt truly 'buy it' at the time. But I failed to keep him home. He left and has struggled quite rightly with his conscience ever since. He is now confused. He misses the kids terribly, misses home and misses me. He still doesnt say he loves me. We have some time apart now for breathing space. He needs to work out if he can commit to me, if not the deal is dead,as none of us are going to go through this pain again!

He had been looking at rental but has put it all on a back burner. He doesnt want to get to a point where he realises his mistake but we are diivorced!

So stressing waiting for that answer whatever it may be. I will be up nearly all night, if im lucky I will fall asleep 5-6amish but got to rise 7amish for school and work.

Have you asked for a cooling off period with a deadline? My deadline is until end of the month because any later our finances start being hit badly. I wont let that happen.

cantyy - no no deadline - i guess im waiting to see what his next move is - if he goes into rental then we'll need to firm up all the arrangements & i guess that 's when ill start going through some of the doors that have opened up for me. even though DH instigated all this he always seems to be dragging behind in his thought process & practical arrangements and as much as i love him and want him back for the kids my fear is that i will be gone before he wakes up to what he is actually doing

You say you 'want him back for the kids'. Believe me you would first and foremost need him back for you, otherwise the same old same old will recur. Don't take him back for your children. Take some time out and take him back for YOU. This is now all about YOU and your children.