Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

You see all these men set us up to fail, they ask us to drop everything and do something spontaneous which is not always possible when you have commitments like children, work etc. They never do the sorting out, arranging stuff like babysitters etc and then accuse us of not wanting the same things, being boring, never wanting to do anything, putting obstacles in the way.......

These men are actually running away from themselves, from having to deal with their own internal shit and blaming you for everything. As I said to my DH, he can run away from me, from the DCs, work etc but he will never be able to run away or hide from himself. In the end he did get months of counselling to deal with all his issues.

I bet your H has never come up with any workable plans to move abroad, change jobs etc, just expected you to make him happy and carry the load.

I have worked things through with my DH and one of the most important things I did was to put myself first for a change, get my needs met, took time out for the things I wanted to do. It is very important that you look after yourself and your self esteem, show your DCs what a strong, independent woman you are. You can do this by doing little things, a manicure, some new make up, until you feel strong enough to take on a new hobby - what did you love doing as a child? for me it was horseriding so I treated myself to some lessons after a 20 yr break and now have my own horse . I really did lose myself being a wife and mother to 4DSs, putting everyone and their needs above my own.

It's always seemed to me that men just have some kind of natural born 'switch' that we lack to turn off love. I've never understood it. Maybe they just bottle it up, maybe they actually CAN turn the love off. It's really the pits that we just don't seem to be able to do that.

When this happened to me, I went to counseling to see why I'd picked such a rat-bastard of a man. My counselor told me that I had to accept that I still loved him. She said accept that & find peace with it, loving someone is not a crime. Then begin to work on rebuilding my life. She told me that when I stopped fighting with myself (i.e. trying to get him back, trying to change who I was to do so, trying to stop loving him) and began to take small steps to 'rejoin the living' despite the fact that I still loved him, that love would die a natural death. She was right. It took a while, but it happened.

Cantty, I wish you didn't love him, either. It would make things a lot easier, wouldn't it?

Countingto10,

My DH sent me a text to say his head is screwed up ans hes not thinking any further at the moment. He wants to come home for the right reason ie; his commitment to me.

From my point of view it is workable. We need to find time for 'us' occasionally doing things without the DC. He realises we have to make compromises to make it through. He knows how i feel, i think he thought i didnt! We are going to have some time apart now due to work commitments my end, no OM lol! In limbo until then. Hopefully will have a solution to all this crap by end of feb.

Ive just got to keep it together, keep functioning and try not to get my hopes up too much. I also know ive got to protect myself from getting the news i so dont want to hear.

Please continue to protect yourself, financially and emotionally (keep your guard up). Let him prove his commitment to you and the children. Please insist on counseling, for both of you. What has happened should not be swept under the rug and pretending that it just never happened. Things will not change unless he is willing to examine himself and figure out why he felt it was ok to do what he did. And you need help to enable you to learn whether or not you can trust him not to do this again and move forward.

You have my prayers for strength and clarity of vision. I wish you all the best and I hope he has truly realized how valuable and precious a good wife and family are.

Acrossthepond

I think the realisation of his actions are beginning to hit him. He is a great daddy and is missing the kids badly. He says he feels terrible for the pain he has caused me and hates to see me cry. He admits ive always given him everything. He seems to know he has been selfish and thats why he is trying to work out if he can commit to me. He knows we will be financially destroyed, the both of us.

However, he keeps saying he has to come back for the right reason. Thats not money, or even just for the kids but for what he can give me. I know he is right.

Time will tell but im going to need to know pretty damn quick, its killing me. X

Op i think you need to prepare yourself that he has been with an ow.
He won't tell you where he is staying, he books up expensive holidays, he is paying the bare minimum for his kids! whatever he is, he is as far from a 'great dad' as I can imagine.

I know (at least now i do) my op crys OW. Trust me ive been believing it and in denial all week. Nothing really points that way, im reading into things as if i want someone to appear and blame. If he wasnt with me he had the kids, he had the rare evening out (mates down our local) and went to help his mum out in times of need(again true). His job entails gas pipe laying so no opportunities there digging up streets!

Ive found out an awful lot more in the last week since our initial mediation appointment.

We have talked properly for the first time since the split. He has explained himself at last. And, there are valid reasons for the holiday( ive also seen the tickets). He has got himself in a bad place mentally. He has kept things to himself and let them build and build until he imploded. I seem to be the collateral damage in it all, and of course the family too. He finally seems to have become aware of it all. Yes im in limbo and yes im awaiting HIS decision but if there is a chance for our family im going to hang on just a little longer. He only left home 3 weeks ago. The worry we both have is we plough ahead spending money left right centre, sell the house and then realise we have made the biggest mistake of our lives.

Please dont get me wrong, i know my position legally etc and have plan B in place. Im also trying to protect myself by not holding out too much hope but at the moment the door is open.

Remember that a great dad would not have done these things to his DC or pay the very minimum maintenance for them.

I'm not sure it's helpful to keep telling cant that there is an ow.
It's perfectly possible that he has but it's also possible that he hasn't.
The op is prepared for that eventuality as much as she can be I don't feel there is anything to gain from people keep telling her he's having an affair.
She has enough to be dealing with.

Op if he's having an affair then you will deal with it as you are dealing with all this, you will realise that he has already massively betrayed you with or without an ow.

The only thing is that no matter what he is doing he should be paying you a decent amount.
What are his reasons for paying any less than he would be if he was still with you?

We are both on realitive low income but we manage, pull in the belt in places and get to do some nice things. I think he is paying so little as he knows he cant afford that next step ( rental) and is trying to save. He had stopped paying things that would have been for my share and as little maintenance as possible (although going by the csa calculator).

Please, please i have been beating myself up about the possibility of an OW. I have blown hot and cold about the whole idea. I dont believe there is but if i find out otherwise i will let you know! I truly believe he has had a very early mid life crisis, things have secretly been building up inside for a while, family stress not helping. Yes, i have been the victim of all of this as are the kids. Hoping now he can get his head straight and realise what hes got before its too late.

I'm not sure that it's very nice of him to pay you the very minimum he can so he can save for his new life.
Imagine if you decided to do the same thing.

I think you need to find out your benefit entitlement tomorrow, no long being skint as well as fed up.

I think he is paying so little as he knows he cant afford that next step ( rental) and is trying to save. He had stopped paying things that would have been for my share and as little maintenance as possible (although going by the csa calculator).

But he can afford to go on holiday, how much did that cost compared to what he is now paying you?

I agree with Ledkr. Cantty is keeping the possibility of an OW open, but has decided that her marriage is worth saving. IMHO, we should offer her our support in this. It may not be what we would do, but it's up to her.

I do agree, however, that you should not be afraid of asking for more money to see that your household is secure. The fact that he paid for a holiday while supposedly saving for a new place is somewhat contradictory. The holiday money should either have been used for support or saved. A holiday in the midst of a separation when one is strapped is foolish IMHO. But I guess that's water under the bridge. BUT I will say that if he is still saving for a new rental, you may want to think about how seriously HE is thinking of reconciling.

I guess what I'm saying, in my very 'wordy' way, is that you shouldn't be afraid of asking for what you need just because you fear it may make him angry and 'push him away'. As I've said before, if decides that he truly regrets what he did and truly wants you back nothing you say or do will prevent that.

Thanks acrossthepond. That is what im getting at.

As far as the rental goes he has now put that on a back burner. He is so unsure of his feelings and if what he is doing is right. He has stopped thinking about the next stage until he can get his head screwed back on. He has stopped thinking selfishly and is looking at the bigger picture.

As far as money he is giving me all he legally has to. We have not got big incomes. That doesnt mean im not sruggling. In a few weeks i will know one way or the other. Then if i have to i will start to move on.

Why not claim some benefits in the meantime?

I think out of all if this, him paying minimal amounts is the worst thing.

If he's living with his mum he must have little of no outgoings.

Ledkr is right, you should definitely claim in the meantime. On your single income your tax credits will increase, not to the level of his of his income but it will make a huge difference. go to www.entitledto.co.uk, it will give you a rough idea of what you could get, and also tell you if you would be able to claim council tax benefit or/and housing benefit.

good luck.

and btw, making sure that you and the children are financially secure while he is navel gazing is not shutting the door on anything, just common sense. you have to think about them, as he clearly isnt.

I have protected myself and dc financially. Im also aware of my benefit entitlements too. Your advice IS appreciated.

I wish i could just tell him to get lost! My emotions are all over the place and i cant stay angry for very long. My DH just lost the plot, looks like he may be coming to his senses but can he make his way back? Yes, his selfish behaviour may have cost him and me our family, but surely with some effort we can work this?!

Im sorry if im almost constantly repeating myself, i am taking notice, honest! My head is a blurr, love is a painful thing.

Laying in bed, cant stand the lonely evenings.

But surely if he is staying with his Mum, he will have very little to spend his money on

How nice of him to have a holiday in the sun leaving behind a devastated wife and family

I'm thinking that in time cant will realise how shitty he is behaving and be very angry. For now she is very sad and hanging on to the possibility of him acting irrationally.
She has to do this her own way which in the long run will give her peace of mind.
The money thing really is disgraceful though.

I know Ledkr.

I agree Ledkr. When something is a big shock instead of a slow build up it's really hard to accept it as actually happening and your first instinct is to try and move past it. It takes a while for the anger to take over properly.

Ive given myself to the end of the month to see how things pan out. Im not over the initial shock, i think thats quite clear. He has only been gone from the family home for 3 weeks. I suppose we have not come to an official arrangement re money yet.

He will either come home or not. Im protecting myself and DC for each outcome. He knows he has messed up, but can he come back knowing what he did? I will allow him to as long as we can make the right adjustments. I dont think its that he doesnt love me its just its changed... He needs to man up. Maybe i do too....

Lonely and hurting rigjt now.

Have you claimed the benefits you are entitled to? - if not you need to do that now, plus council tax - you need to advise them you are single parent now for the 25% discount.

Had this happen to me years ago - ow involved, Christmas etc. had his fling wanted me back, too late as I had started divorce off and met someone else. Now my DCs have grown up, he has been married and divorced again and has always wanted to get back with me.

he may possibly get this fling over with, and he may wish to make it work with you. But would you be able to forgive him??? I suggest you move on with seeing a solicitor so you can get some control back into your life