Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

Canttype unfortunately all too many of us know the pain, hurt, bewilderment, anxiety etc that you are going through. Have you anyone in RL that you can turn to for support? It really does help to surround yourself with people who truly love and care for you, who have got your back IYSWIM.

Don't be too ashamed to phone the Samaritans either, a lovely lady on the end of the phone got me through a particularly bad night when my "not so D at the time" H did his moonlight flit, turned off his phone and didn't come home. I was on the phone for an hour to her, a sniffing, snotty mess, at 2.00am. I was beside myself at the time,had tried to phone my Dsis who was obviously asleep.

I know you want your marriage to work but you cannot do that alone, you both have to have full commitment to that, anything less is useless. It was only when I found out about the OW and literally made my DH collect all his belongings in bin bags (I had hit the anger (unrelenting rage actually) stage of the process) that he realised the enormity of what he had done. I can actually remember saying to him that I truly hoped she was worth it, his marriage, home, DCs etc because he was sacrificing an awful lot for her.

Try and find something funny to watch on the tv with the DCs (weather absolutely foul here), Harry Hill's TV burp, You've been Framed etc, settle down with some comfort food and try and laugh, it does work. I use to watch Britains Got talent with mine (that's about to start soon again) and I have strangely fond memories of that time now - it felt cosy and calm IYSWIM.

Oh LDKR i hope i get there soon.

Yes, its all about missing that chance or pushing him further away. When the likelihood is its not going to happen.

I did ask him yesterday if its over. I didnt get an answer. But he doesnt want to go any further until he is sure about whats going on in his head. I know he is erring towards making it final as doesnt want to come home and then hurt us all over again down the line as the risk is there.

I work weekends. Unsociable hours. Sunday i might be able to 'do' dinner with family. But, at this stage worried about finances as he is only paying the bare minimum at the moment. I am only able to grab the odd half hour in the evenings with the kids during the week too. Its all getting me down.

Sorry about all the self pity. I know what i must sound like but im devestated. X

If you get on with your life that doesn't mean you are pushing him away - if he is going to make things work and be honest and decent you getting on with your own life won't stop that. If you do try and get on with things by the time he decides he wants to come back you will probably tell him to sod right off - I did.

And why is he only paying the bare minimum - you need to claim every penny you are entitled to via benefits/WTC and he needs to pay the legal amount of maintenance. If he refuses you will need to go to the CSA,

He is paying the bare minimum? Ah he's a prince among men he is :(

Don't think about the future (except, of course, protecting yourself & DCs financially). You don't need to worry today about what you will feel like when he gets a place, Christmas future, etc. That's something you can't do anything about, at least not until it happens. Concentrate on today and tomorrow. Today and Tomorrow. See a solicitor about maintenance if he isn't paying enough to live on. Take the DCs to a movie or to a park to kick a ball around (weather permitting). Do something for yourself, even if it's only indulging in a giant bar of chocolate and a trashy magazine.

As far as missing chances or pushing away, if he sincerely wanted to come back for the RIGHT reasons, there will be no missed chance and you wouldn't be able to push him away. Because nothing would stop him from doing whatever was necessary to get you back, if he truly discovered that he loves you still. You're still in the place of 'if I say/do the right thing at the right time it will be like a magic spell and he will wake up'. That isn't going to happen. Because his wanting to come back has to come from within him, not you. He will have to discover on his own that he has thrown away something that he realizes he truly wants. And taking steps to build yourself and the children a new life without him isn't going to do anything to 'ruin chances', either. But it will do a great deal of good, for you and the DCs. It will give the children a firm foundation to continue to grow and be secure. It will give you a new sense of self and self-worth.

If you feel that you want an 'open door', that's entirely up to you. But you need to be able to tell him "For now, the door is still open for you to return, if and after you have decided that our family is what you truly want. There will be conditions to your return (counseling, separate finances, etc). But I cannot guarantee how long that door will remain open. I have to build the children and myself a new life and at some point I will have moved on. Then that door will be closed forever". Then never mention reconciliation again. You will have placed the ball permanently in his court.

Hi canttype, just wanted to say how sorry I am. This is not right and your dh should be doing much more to minimise your pain. Please look after yourself as much as you can

OP I think a bit of self pity is probably okay! Don't apologise for it. You've been put through something really shocking and dreadful.

One of the best things is spending time with friends. I know a lot of people are suggesting DCs, but I know when you're THIS upset sometimes it makes you unable to deliver on being "Fun Mum" and don't beat yourself up about that either.

Exactly DCR! My little boy asked for his mummy back!

Im getting them to and from school, homework, extra curricular activities. They are tidy and clean. Ive told them i love them dearly 10 zillion times more than the 10 zillion times i normally tell them etc. But, they can see how sad i am and im afraid they have seen the tears rolling down my cheeks. I havent been myself for 5 weeks and they can see it. Im trying to be strong for them and it worries me that it will have a long term effect.

I know ive got to find something to bring some kind of happiness back.

And you need to be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve too. You won't get over this in 5 weeks. You are doing fine. If you can get dinner of some sorts done, children to school and maybe semblance of a bit of tidying then I think you are doing v well.

Any opportunity to see a friend for support and a chat is priceless at this time. Lean on anyone in RL who will offer you a shoulder. It will be invaluable.

As Lilys says, 5 weeks is not long. After going through a similar devastation it was honestly two and a half months before I felt okay to watch a film, read a book or work. Around the same time I was able to "enjoy" placing with kiddies. If you're that upset it takes a while and you can't feel guilty. The kids will be okay. See if you can arrange fun things for them to take their minds off it, and let them know you will be better soon and they will understand. Sometimes just cuddles is enough.

Oh, the house is still tidy too! And i work just over 30 hours per week doing a physical/mentally challenging job.

My energy levels are low. Im not eating at all at the moment. Im exhausted.

My family although not close by are rallying around and trying their best. I devoted so much time with DH that i havent got any really close friends (im no billy no mates but no BFF iygwim). I do feel im on my own, apart from what you girls of course!

X

Please try and eat - porridge, soup, yoghurt, fruit. I know how difficult it is to eat - I lost nearly 2 stone in the early months.

Children are very intuitive, aren't they? I don't know how much your children know, but if they are school age (5+) you may want to consider talking to them about being sad, if you haven't already. As in "Yes, Mummy is sad now, but Mummy will be happy again after while. Sad things happen to people, like daddy leaving, but we are all OK and we love each other". Simple and to their level. They know their father is no longer there and it's OK for them to know you are sad about it.

Yes, do try to eat, anything that sounds good, even junk. And it may be time to look at your friends and see if one has the potential to be that really close friend. You need handholding and someone to make you a cup of tea and look at you when you are talking. One of my dearest friends was just a coworker until our minds and hearts just connected when she had a family crisis. She allowed me 'in', as it were, to be there for her. It may be that one of your acquaintances is waiting for you to do that, too.

You need some new mates and a good night out my girl

Easier said than done! If im not at work i have the kids! Their dad hasnt/isnt going to abandon them but in his current state of mind he will only come by when it suits(ok, his work pattern).

Wish i could get angry at him. I cant right now. X

Can someone tell me why every innocent conversation ends up upsetting me? Everything on tv? Every song? Something everywhere reminds me how i feel.

I am the same, Dad has them fot a couple of hours, then back to work, going out, getting on with his new, shiny single life, he kept all his old friends , wanted to go out and explore his options, i lost all the mutual friends and havent spoke to somebody other than my sister, who is loved up and just wants me to get over it, in three days, he is out on the town tonight and i am sat at home feeling abodned and lonely, i know he is happy about our split, i am devestated

Why is everything upsetting? Because your entire life and all your dreams have been turned upside-down. Everything that 'was', now 'isn't'. Your whole psyche right now is a raw wound. Everything that touches it hurts. That's normal. But you will begin to heal.

When I was walked out on, it actually hurt even to breathe. There was no comfort in anything. I could manage my 8 hour workday, but the second I got to my car I fell apart. And I stayed fallen apart til I had to go to work the next day. And the shit was, I still had to work with the bastard. Every stinking day.

But gradually breathing got easier. I began to enjoy little things. People didn't upset me as easily. It will happen to you, too. It just takes time.

Canttype I have not been your position, but I have been on the other side of the fence (so to speak). I was the one who left. I told ExH that I didn't love him on NYE. I stayed on for a while, but I left in the end.

My ExH sought meaning and solace from everything I said and didn't say. He thought I had an OM. I didn't.

The only advice I can give is this: listen to what he says. He has already told you that it is over. That is it.. Whatever has happened, he has ended the relationship and I very much doubt, from what you have posted here, that this is temporary. Take it as permanent. Do what you have to to be kind and fair to your DCs. Make him pay for your DCs. They are his too and he has a financial obligation to them. Make sure he fulfills that.

It really sounds as though you and him are over. Get out of the house. Tell friends and family. Accept their help and support at this time. You need it and your DCs need you to get that from someone else, not them. If you can, seek counseling or psychotherapy. It will help you process this.

Once you process it, it will help you help your DCs do the same. Keep spoken communication to a minimum and just listen to his words. Do not look for subtext. Do not fill in the blanks.

Accept that this is the end.
Help your DCs to adjust.
Accept help from family and friends in order to help you adjust.
Make plans for you and DC that don't include him (it's always good to have something to look forward to).
Consolidate your and DC's financial situation. Don't rush into anything, but be aware that things are changing).
Be fair.

Good luck Canttype.

Hi Dione,

I get what you are saying. But he came round two days ago and we had another good chat. I asked him if it was over, he did not answer. He said he didnt want to book the next round of mediation until he was 100% sure of his feelings and if he could make it work.

He also told me he has booked to see some rental apartments. So realistically i know which way he is going to.go.

Why do you just fall out of love with someone? Ive loved him unconditionally, ive always been there for him, ive done anything and everything for him? We have some interests the same and some of our own? We have a giggle with each other? Ive not changed, other than become a mum. That comment will probably kick off a few responses!

The biggest factor is his feelings towards work. He dislikes the weather (lays gas pipes) . He has informed me he would like to move abroad, no warning! Thats what he is getting to when he says our lives are on different tracks He had never spoken seriuosly about it. I thought his comments were just a dream. Seems like he feels i dont love him enough if i dont agree, and in the process fallen put of love. This was never the deal.

He dd say, ok then lets sell up and go! I said, but you dont love me etc. Effectively giving me an ultimatum.

I would not make any impulsive decisions but find out what you are entitled to. Look after yourself and start to give your self a little time. Look at what you want to do in life and focus on yourself and your children to take your mind off things. You may find that makes your dh look at himself and the mistake he is making. If he sees yo doing these things he may second think.

No magic wand any one? Slept badly last night, feeling rundown and got a long physical day at work ahead of me. :-(

All the moving abroad stuff is because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. He KNOWS in his heart of hearts that you have been a good, loving, faithful wife. He wants to have an excuse for doing this because he thinks he's a great guy and a great guy like him would not break his wife's and children's hearts without a reason.

So he is suggesting preposterous plans that no one sensible would ever agree with under the circumstances, knowing that you will say no, so he can tell people, future GFs (the OW? sorry I still think there is one), his friends, and most importantly, himself:

"We had nothing in common any more. We wanted different things. She was so boring and just wanted to stay in our dull little house and bring up the children. Every time I suggested we do something exciting she just said a flat no."

• people listening to this will not know that:

"nothing in common" actually means "you are faithful but he is not."
"wanted different things" actually means: "you wanted to stay married and work on your marriage and he wanted to go out and have fun with other people."
"She was so boring" actually means "she is sensible and rational and puts our children's interests first, so would not countenance any 'exciting' moves abroad just to soothe my ego."
"just wanted to stay in our dull little house and bring up the children" actually means "put the kids first and felt that stability is important to them."
And
"Every time I suggested we do something exciting she just said a flat no" actually means "I am full of ridiculous plans that are never going to come to anything and thank God my wife isn't having any of it otherwise we'd be broke in 6 months."

Good comment balloon. Wish i didnt love him though.... X