Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

so he is awful in mediation and then a two whole days later he says this. If he said he wanted to come home tomorrow you would let him, you are just waiting for him to want you.

Stop making excuses and see him for what he is. He now has you dancing to his tune, and if he did come back every time he sighed or looked a bit miserable you will be dancing even more - you will be a neurotic mess praying he may love you and you make him happy.

How nice, he has had all this time to himself, getting drunk and pleasing himself not giving you a thought while you keep the home fires burning. He hasn't had a breakdown, he has just been selfish and the OW isn't all she was cracked up to be.

Remember this - he took off and left his children behind on CHRISTMAS DAY and then just shrugged when asked about the poor children's welfare

He has fucked up Christmas forever for you and the DC.

Depression does not do this. A breakdown means he is not able to function - unable to initiate mediation or look at selling/moving houses or book flights.

I think everyone says "you deserve more" when they are screwing you over OP

I have first hand humiliating experience of this.

Cheating ex did the same in the same timescale.

I was delighted, I no longer had to face life with him after 18 yrs, child care and money no longer an issue, life back to normal, that will show the ow.

A few days later he was doubtful again and I gave up for good.

With hindsight I know why. I'd lost a lot of weight and looked good, I'd started being calmer and moving on and had not asked him to reconsider or come home for a few weeks, I was going out with friends and back at work and just generally getting on with it.

He couldn't stand that fact so momentarily wanted me back.

However he had "gone off" me and no longer loved me and that was never going to come back.

I think your dh is panicking as you have become calmer and less needy.

A breakdown doesn't make you leave your family and have a sudden need for a nice holiday with your sister.

However, you will do what you want and need to do. If it works out then great, if not you will find it easier to move on as you've given it your best.

Without him sorry

I think he has seen how distraught you were STILL in mediation

I think wholesomemum speaks a lot of sense.

You married young - he has now looked at his life compared to other single people and gone "I want to live"

This probably means drinking, going out, Other women, being selfish and irresponsible - so no wife and no children and probably eventually he won't have got round to paying the school dinners or even the mortgage - he possibly will cancel seeing the children because he has "things to do"

I appreciate you still love him but if he needed a change he could have arranged for someone to have the children and have taken you away for a fun holiday on your own. This marriage isn't irretrievable but what he is saying is "I don't care enough about you and the children to put in the effort to save It" So, whilst it's understandable after so long that you still love him, if you think long and hard do you like the man who can do this?

Cantty, I know it seems like a lot of us are raining on your hopes, but remember we're just trying to help you not get 'lost' on this road you're traveling. If you read too much into what he's saying you will end up really getting hurt. I understand that you want back what you thought you had, what spouse wouldn't? But try to remember to see the whole picture of what he's saying, not just grab onto the parts that seem to scream 'reconciliation'. 'Not sure we can get that feeling back' (translation 'I don't want to try to get that feeling back') and 'you deserve more' (translation 'I deserve more') usually means 'I sure hope she starts believing this shit, because then I'll be off the 'let's try to work it out' hook and I can start LIVING, baby!'.

If, by chance, he DOES want to try again, he should do it from OUTSIDE your home, not from within. He needs to woo the whole lot of you and PROVE that he is trustworthy before you consider letting him move back in. If he is REALLY serious, he will do anything to prove to you and the children how sorry he is for what he has done. And there will be NO words of 'But you should have (seen I was unhappy, lost weight, given me more sex, let me buy this car, whatever)'.

I know, I thought "oh I bet we are making her feel even worse" That is certainly not my intention but I know when I was at this stage (thank God it we didnt have children) he offered me a possibility which I briefly thought about grabbing. In retrospect I am glad I decided the relationship was over an moved on - I think what he was offering would have demoralised me more and he was not doing it out of love but because he didnt feel comfortable completely burning his bridges with me.

If your H decides the marriage is not over you need to think long and hard whether you can trust him again and it would be up to him to do all the jumping through hoops and proving he was worth giving another chance. Long term it will be way more damaging for the children if the relationship becomes one of those that is on and off regularly at his whim.

So you can tell that im bouncing from one side of the room to the other?!

We are in an ok place right now. He seems calm and collected on the outside but his head is not in a good place.

He is not coming home, but its at the back of his mind.I have not got my hopes up.

He believes we want different things in life. I just fidnt see this. Unfortunately there seems to be no to little compromise.

I dont believe there is anyone else. But of course there will be down the line. That will hurt big time.

As for mediation we are holding off for a month or so. Once we get to that point i think thats when i will really start accepting the inevitable.

Im beyond sad but despite what you all say weve just got to stay friends.

I'm still catching up with your thread love, but I'm sad to see you even considering having this bloke back if he wants to.

You are giving him way too much power to decide the future of your life and if you have him back he will always have the lion's share of it in the future.

I know you'll take no notice and I know you still love him.

But you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery and vigilance if you let him just walk back in.

I know you'll hate me for it, but seeing as you won't follow the best advice we always give on here of taking control and telling him it's over, the next best thing for you is that he doesn't want to come back, you accept it and start again.

You've got more chance of a good life without him in it now than if he comes back in the fold.

I am sad for you too, canttypefortears. You and your kids don't deserve to be an option for this man. You deserve to be his first and only choice. I wish you all the best.

Perhaps a visit to the Doctor? All the stress is not good for you, esp your blood pressure. You need to look after yourself, for you and your children.

Please don't get upset at the recent posts, and don't let it stop you posting . It's just people are trying to protect you, they are trying to stop you from prolonging the hurt as they see from their own experiences the hurt and pain they felt when they hoped and trusted their stbexh.

For better or worse you need to find your own way, and love your own life, and we'll respect you and support you of course.

Good old Dr Phil has the saying "you are either in the marriage or out of it" - there is no halfway house but I don't think he is even offering you that .

I hate to say it but this is what DH said to me (we did survive his affair). It coincided with a big row with OW (their short relationship was very volatile and exploded in the six weeks he stayed with her) so basically he was hedging his bets IYSWIM.

Please please carry on as if he is not coming back, get some counselling for yourself, treat yourself and the DCs (you will screw them up more letting him come back if he is not fully committed to repairing the marriage) - my DCs were traumatised after my DH left the way yours did, their safe, secure world was shattered by his selfish, arrogant, self entitled behaviour. I was not prepared to let DH back until he had taken a long, hard look in the mirror, got the appropriate counselling, proved to me by his actions that he meant what he said etc. We ended up being separated for about 5 months, in that time he did his fair share of child care, arranged dates, weekends away for us etc (all the arranging including babysitting).

Plan some treats for you and the DCs, you all need TLC at the moment, try and calm yourself internally (I know this is very hard). Take care and keep posting.

In these cases you nearly always go with your gut instincts despite people telling you otherwise but that's ok because only a fool would say "I told you so" because we have all done it.
No matter what happens we are all here to offer support.

Please do though, as others said, do some really lovely stuff with the dc and for yourself this weekend. Put some of the sadness on hold.

I'm definately not in the LTB club sometimes marriages hit bumps and do survive but I hate to think of you putting your life on hold waiting for crumbs of kindness from him - its not good for you and definately not for the children.

You still don't know where he is living - had he already lined somewhere up before telling you there was a problem?

I still think there is more to this than he is telling you and trust me they will look at you with tears and honesty in their eyes and lie outright until it suits them to let you know what is happening.

The best thing for you and the children is assume he has OW (is probably living with her ) Start to plan a life without him for all of you, it will either make him look at you with new eyes and think twice about what he is doing or it will help you to move forward.

Sitting at homee, putting your life on hold, will not achieve anything - he was unhappy with that life.

I'm quite prepared for you to completely ignore any advice I give you but generally once a man has stopped being "in love" with you if you allow him to treat you badly he will.

Sorry everyone, i am listening honest! Its just hard to follow through. Im struggling big time (in my head, im coping with the kids and day to day stuff). I cant find an even keel.

I want to let go of all the pain and grief ive got inside. But, if there is any chance of my marriage and our family unit surviving this, i have to try.

He has just fallen out of love?! I dont know how this happened, it wasnt obvious at all. So if he did come back it would probably be for the wrong reasons. My thinking is he has only been away from home 3 weeks hashe had enough time to go anywhere near sorting out his head? Nothing he is saying makes sense, and thats not me misunderstanding!

I think you can tell (if youve followed this thread) ive gone through many emotions- sadness, heartbreak, despair, confusion, anger etc etc. I want to get up and face the world without feeling ive failed my family, without the shame and without negativity. And yes i know you are all going to tell me i didnt deserve this but so low at the mo.

Right now im back to being afraid, alone and i cant stop crying. X

I never looked on this board until this kick started. When will i go back to being an AIBU lurker? Feel so far from myself. X

It is a long and very sad road you are on. You will do anything to try and get your life back, it is heartbreaking. Most of us who post saying what you don't want to hear have sadly experienced exactly what you are going through. I wish I had taken similar advice in the early days rather than being in complete and utter denial and believing what I wanted to rather than looking at the facts that were so clearly in front of me. Keep posting here - there is always lots of support and advice here.

You are in that horrible limbo of not wanting to move on in case you miss the chance that he will change his mind.
I know cos I was there too.
Two points.
A you will feel better when you are no longer in limbo and are accepting. This will happen in time.
And
B getting on I with things as if it is over will help you and make him think twice. The more you seem unable to cope without him the more confident he will feel about leaving you.

Funny buggers blokes.

Are you taking the advice to have a nice weekend.

I prescribe Saturday pictures then, burgers or pizza, look around the shops or visit friends then bubble baths pjs and popcorn with a movie.
Friends for lunch Sunday maybe?

Wish I could be more help, I really remember how it feels.

My heads telling me one thing my hearts pulling me the other way.

I know i should be thinking of me and the DC (head talking) but i know every next step he takes is going to hurt me all over again(heart).

How am i going to feel when he gets his own place?

How am i and the kids going to react when he starts seeing someoe? This may be sooner than id expect as he is REALLY attractive.

How am i going to feel about officially becoming divorced?

How will i get through future christmas , which had been my favourite time of the year?

How will i face being a single parent?

When will i sleep again?

Normally im bubbly and strong. I feel the complete opposite to 'me', i need to man up.

So many answers to my questions i need to find...(shall not go into song!).

Do you think he wants to come back?
Do you have a choice?
If not then accept it is over and you can face all your questions sooner rather than dread them like you are.

Mine of the things you dread will be as hard as you think. I was really surprised at that.
By then I had so many plans for my own life that I was able to deal with it all better.

Christmas will certainly be an improvement

you will feel how you do and you will just get through it

you are not in control of his actions - and whether you sit and cry and do nothing or try and get on with things will have no bearing on what he does or how he feels about you. If he sees you upset he will prob run even further. He has moved on, probably into someone else's arms. So you can decide to sit and wait and do nothing, or you can take control of your own life and do your utmost to get on with stuff.

He probably is already seeing someone - he doesn't sound really attractive at all though tbh. You will make your own new Christmas, you will deal with single parenthood and you will forge a new life. Many of us here have had to do the same - and we have found ourselves and discovered a happier more contented life.