Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

Like you said you need to stay calm and get what you need out of any settlement.

He is playing games with you now- saying he wants to keep everything friendly and stay friends, whilst booking holidays knowing you and the DCs are devastated.

Don't say anything to him yet. Gather as much evidence as you can. You need to make sure that you are financially protected, especially if there are now unexplained transactions and holiday bookings.

If there is an OW -and I'm sorry it does seem like it - he isn't necessarily staying with her. She could be married and still with her husband - he could be sleeping at a friends or his mums.

Do you have any mutual friends who are in contact with him? Maybe they know something. I would imagine everyone is appalled at his behaviour.

Op did you see my post about going on holiday?
It really helped me after my dickhead left us.
Could you afford it?
If also be happy to meet for a good old moan.
I'm in glos.

Thanks guys, no im south east coast im afraid. But very kind indeed.

Yes tons i do guess on some of those occasions it could have been a cover to play away. The mil probably would encourage it to get him away from me!

Everyone who knows is disgusted at his behaviour. I wonder if he will tell his friends/wider family a different version of events to look better?

Now how to stay calm when all i want to do is tell him i know hes been deceiptful!

As for a holiday we had our yearly break booked up for easter. Hes not coming!

Or just maybe your mother in law has got nothing to do with this at all?

Do you actually have an address where he's meant to be staying?

Can you find out where his mom lives?

You said he was elusive when you've tried contacting him. What would you do in an emergency if he failed to pick up?

I think you can depend upon him putting his own 'spin' on your separation. After all, he isn't about to announce the truth, is he? That would make him look bad and we can't have that, can we? pfffft!!

But rest assured that those who matter will know who to really believe.

I think you are doing great! You may be bent, but you aren't broken!

I have a forwarding address now. It took a while to tease it out though! I have been handing out address to all and sundry. I think i might order them some unexpected takeaways etc too! Actually maybe i should act more like the woman scorned. Best ( nothing llegal etc please!) payback ideas girlies?

Uh oh! Now you've done it! The floodgates of nastiness will open and dirty tricks will spew forth!

Goody!

Sign his email up for promotional offers for 'male enhancement and/or performance improvement' products?

I guess there's no real proof he's living at this 'forwarding address' then? But whoever owns this property knows what's going on, I'd have thought.

It doesn't make much sense to me that a mom who resented her boy putting another woman before her would be in on his great romance with yet another female threat, but if he's in contact with her I guess he's lying to her too about why he left. Apart from the phone call, you've presumably got other evidence you don't want to post here that he's definitely been in contact with mom, so I guess you know best.

I'd keep digging quietly behind the scenes and reveal - and do nothing - yet. Did you check tools for saved passwords incidentally?

My sister got in touch with her ex's CO (he was in the army) and tearfully told him that her ex had given her an STI but probably didnt know as he wouldnt return her calls. Of course he hadnt, but that only came out after he had had a bollocking from his CO about sexual health and after he had had the full barrage of tests including the nasty "umbrella down the dick" test :o

You might want to consider a faked letter along those lines to his "forwarding address", especially if it was to imply that the infection must have been picked up recently

No he doesnt save them. I can have a go at guessing though. Ton you can see ite eating me up not knowing! Cant spy personally as got the kids and a very distinctive vehicle!

Isn't that what babysitters and rental cars are for?

Yes I can see that and I understand it. I would be exactly the same. It might be worth making a few guesses on passwords, especially on his cellphone contract.

Roughly when is this holiday booked for?

Holiday booking no date but guessing feb/march. Never heard of a babysitter what do they do? ive thought about looking into some of his stuff, I punch it all in, have a stab at the pw then bottle it lol!

Might send some swingers round? That could impress the exp ow!

One of the useful side effects of anger is that it promotes some action. Maybe over the past few weeks you've been too poleaxed to do much checking or analysing, but I'd guess his contempt yesterday especially about the children's welfare has unleashed something in you.

That's good. It needed to happen.

Never be afraid of information. It might hurt but in the long run you need it to be one step ahead and to make good decisions.

He's relying on you not finding anything and today you've already outsmarted him on one thing.

There will be more.

Find it, but keep it to yourself for now. Build yourself a little dossier of it and then when the time is right and there's too much to wriggle out of, give it to him with both barrels and his own dose of contempt.

Slept ok. Next time he comes by he wants to talk over things relating to mediation. Im going to make it clear I know he is a liar and if he wants to remain on better terms to own up now. If I find out the truth, whatever that maybe at a later date all hell will break free.

I will not produce any of the dtails I actually have.

Dead feeling within remains. Loneliness when I wake too as he is no longer by my side. I still sleep on my side!

Slept ok. Next time he comes by he wants to talk over things relating to mediation. Im going to make it clear I know he is a liar and if he wants to remain on better terms to own up now. If I find out the truth, whatever that maybe at a later date all hell will break free.

I will not produce any of the dtails I actually have.

Dead feeling within remains. Loneliness when I wake too as he is no longer by my side. I still sleep on my side!

he shouldn't be coming round to discuss anything - he should not set one foot over the threshold now, he doesn't live there any more.

No communication remember? And he wants to talk about things, well tough. He doesn't call the shots any more does he.

Son you will be sleeping like a star fish with your pillows in the middle

I agree, keep communication to a minimum, you are doing very well, don't let him out you back.

I know you want answers but you won't get truthful ones so don't bother until you are stronger.

The dead feelings and loneliness will dissipate over the next few weeks, loads of us have felt the same and don't know, hold on to that fact, this is a temporary feeling, you will be happy again and sooner than you think.

Soon

OP I have been following this thread and I am full of admiration for the way you are handling all this.
This happened to my SIL. On Xmas eve she went out separately from BIL. The kids were at MIL For the night. When she got home in the early hours of Xmas morning, her husband had cleared the house out. He left a note to say he was leaving her and stopping with a friend. Dad of the year, he was not.

When he visited he would always park his car round the corner and wouldn't tell her where he was staying. He always denied that there was someone else.
SIL hired a private detective. He had someone else and was living with her. The reason he parked round the corner was because he had bought himself a Porche. Meanwhile ex wife and young kids were devastated.

SIL got angry and got a good solicitor. The private detective info that uncovered all his lies was very helpful. She didn't tel exh that she knew he was lying.

That was five years ago. SIL had the last laugh as his new girlfriend chucked him out after a year and he is now living on his own in a mobile home. SIL, however, is married again and very happy.
You will get past this, but don't expect it to happen overnight. Take your time.

As many of you know its hard to see a way through this. He wants this 'chat' to see where we progress to in relation mediation (we were encouraged to do this). He also wants the house valued. Alarm brlls ringing everyone? Dont worry, i will refuse to have it put on the market. I dont think hes even aware that if i stand firm he cant make me sell!! The shock if we remaind in the house until the youngest leaves ft education!

I think im going to tell him a few of your mumsnet hometruths. Just got to find it in me not to get upset or angry! Im not going to tell him what/how i know just that i know he is lying and he needs to level with me. Try and unsettle him!

Our dc are suffering. Ds still not sleeping and every time i look in on him he is weeping. Ive asked the little lad whats making him so sad and he says 'its because of daddy, its everything'. Ive told him everything will be ok and mummy and daddy loves him. Daddy certainly has a funny way of showing it.

Unless he is intending to shack up with an ow he is sure going to struggle. Then he will be all alone, without my unconditional love, without his kids, without a real place to call a home and without money!

I know we really do need to stay friends. I havent once done anything to suggest otherwise. He keeps saying we need to be friends for the kids sake. What about my feelings? How about my sake? I did nothing wrong? I didnt initiate any of this? We were still best of buddies in my eyes xmas eve? Ive kept my cool? What have i done to warrant not being his friend?

Hes done all of the above and more.

He doesnt come first. The kids do, then me.

Im trying to write this with conviction and i can see what hes done but the love in me just not going to die overnight.

no you don't need to be friends - if he treats you like this he ain't no friend at all - sorry.

It is a long road, you are right, the love doesn't die overnight. You just need to start disengaging, bit by bit. And I wold say no to the chat. He will just lie, you will ask him lots of questions and then you will get upset.

Sweetie, you can chat when you feel stronger, don't let him rush you, it's ok for him as it's his decision.

The children will be ok, they really will, you are doing all you can do and giving him lots of reassurance, they are pretty resilient. Talk to him lots as it's the unknown that they fear.

You don't have to be friends you have to be pleasant in front of the children but the friends thing is only really possible if it's a mutual split, I get on ok with mine now but it's superficial and I will never forgive him for the hurt he caused us.

You need some healing time now, fuck him and his agenda, you have the children to look after (unlike him) so your health and sanity are far more important than his desire to get on with his life as quickly as possible.

In fact, for the first time in all this, you are in control.

What are you up to today?

I'd say something along the lines of "before we can begin to move towards friendship and mediation, there needs to be honesty and transparency. So while you continue to tell me bullshit there is no point in mediation and no road to friendship. If you need to communicate with me you can email me here (new email address), or text me (your choice)."

Remember, you don't actually need to say anything to him at all.
Yes you've (understandably) been a mess thus far - and he is expecting more of the same. Imagine the curve ball you call throw him if you start calling the shots on your terms. Hold him at a distance, say and do nothing. let him know nothing about you and your life. Calmly discuss him having the DC for every 2nd weekend and no more.

Surely mediation with a liar is pointless? All it will do is serve him. He thinks he can continue to lie to you and manipulate you and mediation will help get you "in line". Why would you?

can you change the passwords on your online accounts? Before he does ....

I get that no friend should or would treat anyone like this.

When we sat in mediation he was like prince charming, butter wouldnt melt and overly polite. Telling the mediator it was all amicable etc etc. I on the otherhand was looking dejected and like a rabbit in the headlamps! If only fairness came into all of this. My text messages over the last few months paint the picture nicely. If it was a councelling session id of let rip! [Angry]

But as far as the kids go, i dont want them being dropped off/picked up at the door with hostility. And now i wouldnt trust what tales he may tell the kids if we go no contact.

What happened to us? I did ask how it got to this and the answer was 'it just did!' [Confused]

Best friends to no friends. [Sad]