Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

Oh, that didnt work! What happened to my no so smileys? Was it the use of a capital?

He is certainly NOT your friend. Being civil is fine though.

Re doorstep handovers - who said these need to be hostile? A quick handover and a cheery bye should do it.

Re NC - its to protect you. He is already spreading lies about you so why worry?

When we sat in mediation he was like prince charming, butter wouldnt melt and overly polite. Telling the mediator it was all amicable etc etc

Tell him he has lost any right to speak for you as a couple and he should speak for himself only.

I would let him know swiftly that you do not intend to sell the house, that you are in no hurry to divorce and that you are going to do any of this (to the extent you do it at all) at the pace that feels comfortable to you and your DC and if he is not happy with that it will all have to be dealt with the hard way (ie through solicitors) but in the meantime to get the hell off your case.

I'm sorry to go on about this but the way he is badgering you about this stuff without giving you any time to come to terms with this, process your feelings (protect yourself legally????) stinks. It is cruel, manipulative and smacks of someone else (OW his mother?) pushing him. Be careful

I can't see the point in mediation really - or are you hoping he will change and come home and all will be forgotten?

See a solicitor is my advice - and yep, go NC with him.

You don't have to be hostile. Not at all & esp not in front of your DC.

Being calm and quite and cool isn't hostile - it is completely neutral. You don't have to be happy or pretend to be happy. You don't have to rage at him. You don't have to listen to his shite either.

I'm suggesting minimal contact between you, and when you are in contact you are calm and cool and minimal. Do what you have to and no more.

You are not obliged to be any kid of audience for his lies and manipulations. You can free yourself from that.

Dont worry. Although im emotionally all over the place still. I am more practicle, organised and academic than dh. I wont lay down and play dead.

Hes thinking with another large part of his anatomy it seems. X

When we sat in mediation he was like prince charming, butter wouldnt melt and overly polite. Telling the mediator it was all amicable etc etc. I on the otherhand was looking dejected and like a rabbit in the headlamps!

What a manipulative little shit. This is exactly why now is not the time for you to do anything, mediate, agree to anything at all. Right now he has the upper hand...he shocked you.

Once you are strong, THEN it's the time to discuss it. You need to be in touch with your anger, not missing him and not weak. Wait until the right time.

There's no rush.

The first step of mediation is just an assessment apointment, we can now go at our/my pace. It in the long run should(?) Be cheaper than going straight to solicitors.

Another question entirely. Wedding ring/engagement ring, i havent removed mine, i cant ( not cos my fingers are too fat lol), i love them, what they ARE supposed to mean etc. I feel as is they make me secure if tou know what i mean. So come on mumsnetters what did you do?

It is very hard when someone is trying to move much faster than you are ready. My ex (of 10 days) has made such a fuss about getting his stuff out quickly, it is obvious there's another woman.

What I am not sure of is whether that much has happened yet. The first signs were last summer for me when, all of a sudden, he wanted to run away to another part of the country and start again (with us). In hindsight, I can only assume this was the point where something happened - even if that something was him feeling guilty for WANTING something to happen.

I now wonder, given how crap he looks and how weird he's being, whether the OW hasn't stitched him up a little. Made vague noises about wanting him to leave, set the odd condition but - now the harsh physical reality of him is there and needy - hasn't quite welcomed him with open arms?

Could this be the same for yours, do you think? Could the hot OW have gone luke warm and now he's desperately trying to woo her into wanting him while regretting his stupidity in being played? After all, if you're callous enough to get your kicks from seeing a marriage fall apart, you're hardly likely to be a sympathetic soul who's happy to pick up the pieces. That would involve acknowledging responsibility. I'm sure it was fun for a bit but an emotionally flaky sad-sack wanting to move into your bed and cry about missing his kids all the time? Best throw a nice holiday in the sun her way to try and make it like it used to be when it was all stolen kisses, hot sex and every moment precious.

I must say, I've found quite a lot of comfort (and amusement) in this scenario over the last few days. It would explain a lot in both our cases and it would so serve the stupid, selfish buggers right.

Give it a little thought. I guarantee it will raise a smile, even if you're crying at the same time!

PS - I took my ring off on Friday. I feel a bit bare without it. My finger is so thin where it did lie. Rather than focus on the symbolism of the ring, I've focused on that - even the token wore me down and diminished me!

I think it's entirely your choice. Wear it or not for your own reasons. You are your own woman. Yippeee!

i can see what hes done but the love in me just not going to die overnight

The love you had/have for the person he was/ the man you married will never go. It will occupy a much smaller part of you, but it will always be there. You won't love and probably not even like the person he is now. I don't understand it, how these men can change so suddenly, but they do and the man you loved doesn't exist anymore iyswim. I just don't know who my ex is anymore and don't really want to know him. But in quiet moments (and this is over eight years later) I still miss and care for the person I met when we were 19, and the person he was then. But it was another life, and that life has gone and the life I now have in it's place is different and I am happy.

I wont lay down and play dead

According to the script you are supposed to, but don't. Fight now for yourself and your DCs. I know it hurts like hell, but you have to. You have to keep your home as stability for your DCs, sod him and his new life. He will try and manipulate you now over finances, because he already knows what his new life is, and what he needs. You've had no choice in anything else, but you can have a choice here - so take it. I actually felt guilty about the financial settlement at the time, but now I don't. It isn't just about financial security, it is about being able to have a voice in this nightmare that is happening.

Wedding ring/engagement ring, i havent removed mine, i cant

I didn't remove mine straightaway. I didn't tell people at work at first, as I thought he was having a breakdown and it was all some terrible mistake, so I just carried on as normal. Think one day after I'd found out about the OW and then lots of other things became clear, I just felt repulsed by the rings, and would put them on when I went to work, and take them off as soon as I left!! Then gradually I stopped wearing them. You'll know the right time to remove your rings. I still have the engagement ring, thrown away in the bottom of a drawer somewhere. Several years later I sold the wedding ring, mainly because I just wanted to get rid of it. Did he have a wedding ring? Is he still wearing it?

You are still in shock and need time to grieve. And to find out the truth - if any of us ever really do find out the full truth. Have you thought of paying for a private investigator? It might get you some answers.

Mine came off straight away. He'd spoilt everything and it took some control back.

Almost one year on and divorced, he's still wearing his!??! Wtf? I haven't even asked.....

(Hello, btw. Delurking)

You don't have to Be Friends for the children's sake, you only have to be 'civil'. Make up a new email address and give it to him and only him. Tell him that you will arrange anything re the kids that needs to be arranged via this address. Other than that go NC. All the while you are having 'chats' with him, he has the Upper Hand.

eatmydust thankyou for your beautiful words on where the love goes and that they are a different person to the one we fell in love with all those years ago. Im 18 months in and that summed it up perfectly for me, so thankyou

Op keep strong, its very early days, be kind to yourself, hug your DC often and maintain that strength that you know is in there somewhere, so that you and your DCs can have a better life in future.

DHtotalnob

I love your username!

Cantty, if he wants to 'chat' remember 3 phrases. One of them should do for anything he says.
"I don't know"
"I'm not ready to discuss that"
"NO"

I agree that mediation is pointless. You will never agree to what he wants. He will never agree to what you want. All it's doing is hurting you further and making Mr Shit think he's being all wonderful (See how I'm trying to work things out with her. She how uncooperative she is. Poor me) You seriously need to find a good solicitor to look after your best interests and then tell Mr Shit that all further 'chats' can be with him/her.

My wedding ring is up on the kitchen cupboard somewhere where I chucked it it temper one day.
I left it on for a little bit but took it off after a few weeks, the dent in my finger faded as I got stronger.

One of my saddest moments was being at a baby music group with dd and being the only mum without a wedding ring, I was sad.

A few months later that used to make me proud, look at me stepping up to the plate and coping alone.

You could take it down to cash generator and buy the kids an x box

It's encouraging hopefully for you OP to hear from so many people people who have come through something similar and have found happiness in their new life.

Keep posting. It's a good way to rant and might keep you sane.

Commander6....I thought you got battered a bit there accientally! I think you were just being helpful :)

(Thanks DCRBye ….. although as he stopped being my H 2 weeks ago I suppose I need to change it)

Ok we spoke today. And i mean TALKED! Cleared a bit of air etc. Not quite built bridges.

He said sorry for his Sh*y behaviour and he is deeply sorry for the timing and way he went about it all. He told me that whilst a few minor things ive done irritated him it wasnt really the reason. He admits the 4 year fact isnt quite true but his feelings snowballed recently. Im aware he had some family problems so this coinsides with everything. He feels life is going nowhere as if he is living groundhog day each and everyday.

Obviously i cant forgive whats happened. Im also cross he kept this all in. I really think he has had a breakdown. There seems not to be an ow after all. The flight tickets were explained, i saw the receipt. I thought we were closer than this!

So, i ask if he misses home. Yes, he does and he has been thinking about it alot since our appointment earlier this week. He says he still feels the same about me. I told him its workable ( it really is!). He says he is worried that it would all go wrong again further down the line. He doesnt want to hurt me anymore than he already has. He isnt implying he intends to come back but he is unsure of how he feels (knows how i do).

I feel confused, and i know he didnt mean to give me false hope. But in conclusion he seems to have fallen out of love. What i dont get is, he loves me as a friend, the mother of his kids, he thinks im kind, lovely and finds me attractive. Surely we could get that spark back.

Please dont tell me off! Im not completley stupid. Im still preparing for life on my own, getting everything in place. But if i could wave that magic wand i would!

X

OW getting cold feet then, or has developed feet of clay now it's no longer illicit.

That's all this is. Honestly.

I'd love to hear how he explained away that sum for flights.

In essence, all this represents is a realisation that it was perhaps unwise to completely abandon you with no chance of you taking him back if it doesn't work out with the OW. He's bought an insurance policy today, that's all.

I hope you'll take it away again because offering to take him back when he's ready to return is the worst move ever. He might come back of course - they often do when the new romance turned out not to be as "written in the stars" as was once thought - but you'll still be left with an unfaithful husband who got away with it and will treat you badly again.

I would be very, very cautious I know you are scared and want the life back that you though you had before but the honest truth is he saw your life differently and didnt have the decency to tell you before christmas day

It may be all the things he said, it may be that it was instigated by his mother rather than OW but it doesnt change what he has done to both you and the children does it?

I think you need to assume you will be separating and press on with your life without him - see how he behaves long term, you dont need to rush into divorce but please dont cling to any crumbs of hope he is giving you. They often like to keep a toe in the "home" door in case the new life doesnt work out, sometimes this can go on for months and it will make it so much harder for you.

He wants to be friends but the honest truth is, step back from this take yourself and the man you love out of this story and put in a friend and her partner - would you say the man in this scenario is deserving of "friendship"?

Obviously you need to have a courteous relationship for the children but it is possible to be "friendly" without being "friends" - the difference being you are cordial to both but a true "friend" has consideration for your happiness and wellbeing.

Oh and a true friend wouldnt shit on you and the children from a great height on Christmas day.

What's so galling to those of who can see this more objectively and who are on your team is that we appreciate you are VERY VERY vulnerable right now to any shift from that cold, cruel character who replaced your husband from Xmas Day until today. So any mere glimpse of the old him or even a speck of humanitarian empathy or concern will have far more impact on you than if he'd been saying all these (still very hurtful) things 2 months ago.

So try to imagine how you'd have felt if he'd told you in November that he didn't want to commit to your marriage, wasn't in love with you, found a couple of things irritating about you, had booked flights plural for a holiday that didn't include you or the children. How would you have felt then?