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Original poster

Is he a cocklodger..or are my expectations wrong?

132 replies

Doratheexplorersboots · 19/01/2014 18:50

Just that really.

DP (well, I say 'D'..) is not DC's dad. But we all live together. He is good with DC, great playing and interacting with them etc, but is rubbish (and I mean rubbish) round the house. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he hasn't lived with anyone in a while and it's a huge adjustment living with, not a ready made family as that sounds awful, but the shock to the system of dealing with one child and a toddler must be immense. I realise that.

However, we both work full-time (admittedly I've only just gone from PT to FT), but I do everything domestically. Ok so specifically that is: changing beds, all the washing, all the cleaning, all the washing up/dishwasher bits. He does the cooking, which is great must admit.

I know this may be a case of communication, but to be honest, I know it'll cause an argument. I did ask him to hang the washing out the other day and he did it, but in general I get the impression if I ask too much of him he feels put upon.
He sees the weekends for relaxing lying on the sofa with his feet up which, in an ideal world with a cleaner/housekeeper/cook, would be fabulous. He does get tired and gets headaches now & again, but we work the same office hours. Plus I, for obvious reasons, am more involved with looking after DC..I don't expect him to do as much as maybe he would if he was their dad, that would be grossly unfair.

I don't know..I'm just feeling a little fed up as today again I've ended up running round like a headless chicken doing everything while he lols about. And I'm not even that much of a tidy/clean person! I just realise clothes have to be washed and like a medium standard of cleanliness!

Sorry..bit of a rant. Help me with stories of what it should be like please Smile

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/01/2014 18:57

How long have you lived together and who moved in with whom?. Whose property is it?.

Sorry but he does not sound like much of a catch to me and he does read like a cocklodger. He also sounds entitled and lazy to boot.

Bet you get tired and have headaches as well sometimes, excuses cannot be made for him.

What do you get out of this relationship with him, what needs of yours does he meet?.

Hassled · 19/01/2014 18:58

Presumably if he didn't live with you then you'd still have been running around on a Sunday sorting stuff? How much of this is him and how much is the fact you've just gone back to FT work? Because running around on a Sunday is standard really for FT work regardless.

Are these things you're running around doing chores generated by him - i.e. his dishes, his dirty clothes etc? If so - stop. Don't do his laundry.

There must be a happy compromise somewhere - have you talked about it much?

PervyMuskrat · 19/01/2014 19:00

Today I have hung the washing up, cooked dinner, worked on a work spreadsheet for a couple of hours and played with DS for a short while but other than that have mostly laid on the sofa.

DH got up with DS this morning, did the weekly shop, got lunch ready and has played with DS for hours whilst I've been working/ being lazy and is now bathing him. He will also do the washing up and wipe the kitchen down later on.

To be fair, I am pregnant and knackered due to working long hours (as well as horrible nausea) but DH and I have always been pretty equal on housework. There are 3 of us in the house who make a mess, only 2 of which are properly able to clean up so the 2 of us should take equal responsibility for keeping the house clean.

Jess03 · 19/01/2014 19:09

I'd sit him down and explain that him not helping round the house was making you resent the time you spent with him as a couple because you were so tired from doing it all. It's true, ft work plus kids plus keeping everything going is a lot, you don't want to see him as one more chore and not a partner. If he doesn't get it...

AnyFucker · 19/01/2014 19:15

A cocklodger would be a lazy twat who doesn't contribute financially and sponges off you (I am assuming he tips up his wage as family money ?)

I think this one sounds like a simple lazy, disrespectful twat from the species "arsehole"

Your choice if you want to carry on being mugged off, of course

MummyAbroad · 19/01/2014 19:51

"I don't expect him to do as much as maybe he would if he was their dad"

the jobs you have described (changing beds, all the washing, all the cleaning, all the washing up/dishwasher bits) arent child related, so you shouldnt feel guilty about asking him to do them, he lives in the house, sleeps in the bed, wears the clothes etc, so it should be his responsibility too.

I like Jess's advice, tell him you have fallen into a pattern of doing all this stuff and just realised how bad its making you feel and you dont want to do it anymore, if he is a reasonable person he will start pulling his weight.

louby44 · 19/01/2014 19:53

My exP was the EXACT opposite. Brilliant round the house, tidy, helpful. Although I did do ALL the cooking and ALL the washing, he would very occasionally do the ironing but once in a blue moon and his job was to mow the lawn and put the rubbish out. But he would do the dishes and other things around the house. We have a cleaner 9although he refuses to go halves now) so neither of us cleaned.

BUT

he was hopeless with my 2 DS. No bond, no relationship whatsoever. He barely spoke to them.

It's a tough one!

But he's history and I'm off on a date now..woo hoo

Original poster
Doratheexplorersboots · 19/01/2014 19:55

Thanks very much for your replies.
We've live together for just under six months Atilla so I guess it relatively new. It's a joint tenancy; we've both owned houses before with previous partners so we decided to rent for at least a couple if not a few years.
Yes, hassledI think a lot f this could be attributed to the fact I've just gone from PT to FT therefore have that bit less free time to do things (and certainly less energy). But, I don't know, I just thought that when you love someone, it would bother you to see them running round doing everything?

It would feel very odd and kind of passive aggressive I just stop doing things like his washing..but maybe that's what it takes!

I would like it to be much more even, like you describe Pervy

I'll try to sit him down Jess.buy I have to watch my tone I think as I have an annoying habit of sounding bossy I've been told by him! That's it exactly; he feels like another chore.

We do contribute fairly to the household, so you're right anyfucker; I probably used the wrong term. Though in the past, when he live at mine before we moved he barely contributed I have to say (not painting a very good picture..) Mugged off!?!!! That made me laugh! Am I really? Oh..

OP posts:
Original poster
Doratheexplorersboots · 19/01/2014 20:02

You're right mummy, thank you

And good luck louby, very exciting!! Enjoy Smile

On balance I'd prefer a partner who was good with the kids.. But I do see that this doesn't give him a free pass to opt out of absolutely everything else!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/01/2014 20:06

I think if you are exhausting yourself doing all the chores while he sits on his arse, then you are being mugged off. Sorry. I am no-one's domestic slave, not even my kids. It should be the same for every woman.

ImperialBlether · 19/01/2014 20:08

OK, so think of his life before he moved in with you. Was it easier or more difficult for him? For example, did he used to clean his own house and now he doesn't?

At the moment it doesn't seem as though he does anything unless you ask him to, yet he was used to living alone, where he had to get things done, wasn't he?

You're right though; he should hate sitting there while you run around doing all the jobs. He doesn't though, does he?

Original poster
Doratheexplorersboots · 19/01/2014 20:11

I am doing that exactly; exhausting myself while he sits on his arse...such a damn people pleaser!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/01/2014 20:12

So stop.

BeCool · 19/01/2014 20:14

Long term resentment is very erosive to a relationship. I don't know what is the correct balance between they are YOUR kids and the housework equation in your house, though if I was moving in with someone with my DC I would expect my P to be taking us on a family. It sounds like this chap will do the very bare minimum he can and that sucks.

I would very quickly start to resent and dislike someone who lay on the sofa all weekend while I ran around sorting all the housework out. How can you want to shag someone who thinks that is an OK way for you both to spend your weekend? Call it what you want - simply put it would make me feel very negative towards him. I couldn't see a future like that.

Original poster
Doratheexplorersboots · 19/01/2014 20:16

Well imperial, his flat was quite a mess as an understatement (prev a bit of a party flat), we always stayed at mine so he didn't do much domestically then looking back. And as I mentioned, I'm honestly not a supremely clean/tidy person so it's not like I have stupidly high standards! It was grim to be honest.

Ug..I'm living with a man child aren't I?

OP posts:
Handywoman · 19/01/2014 20:21

Yup.

BeCool · 19/01/2014 20:21

well on the positive side he cooks.

Does he clean up after cooking? If he can cook & clean up kitchen after himself most nights, and you get a cleaner in weekly you both share the cost of, you might both be able to work a better balance out?

maparole · 19/01/2014 20:44

I have to watch my tone I think as I have an annoying habit of sounding bossy I've been told by him!

So, if you ask him to pull his weight, he gets nasty? Hmm

AnyFucker · 19/01/2014 20:46

I don't like the sound of that.

yourehavingalaugh · 19/01/2014 20:54

I would say it is really important that he is good with your children. Tbh I think that comes way higher than doing household chores. But it sounds like you have to weight up what is important to you.

MummyAbroad · 19/01/2014 21:04

I agree with AnyFucker that (the sentence that morparole highlighted) doesn't sound good. In a good relationship you shouldn't have to watch anything, you should be able to be yourself and voice your concerns without worrying about how it will be taken. Everyone has a right to complain if they don't like something and try to get the problem fixed.

If, however, your way of voicing your concerns really is coming across as harsh, could that mean resentment has already built up because you have left it too long to say something? or has this only just started bothering you?

MellowAutumn · 19/01/2014 21:23

I don't think that in a 'good ' relationship you should be able to say whatever you like and it never be taken 'the wrong way' unless your bloody perfect! We all have bad days and phrase stuff awkwardly and sometimes as single parents we can perhaps be too used to parenting rather than partnering. I'm not saying you should have to watch every word you say however tone can make a big difference. 'You sound bossy' is hardly being nasty - why cant he say how he feels about what the OP is saying ??

6 mths isnt a great deal of time together and he is cooking and playing with the kids - its not perfect but its a hell of a lot more than some bio-parents do.

I would relax a bit and ask him to do some specific jobs on a Saturday Morning.

Pumpkin567 · 19/01/2014 21:33

I think he's just lazy.

Allocate jobs to him. I now treat my DH as one of the children. I tell him what to do.
" you need to tidy this mess"
" please put the empty packets in he bin"
" can you just unload that while I"
"you need to help with X please I'm doing y"

The biggest motivator
" no one sits down until the following is done...no tv time"

No it's not ideal but god life is easier and no arguing. he grumbles under his breath like Kevin the teenager

ChippingInWadesIn · 19/01/2014 21:34

I have to watch my tone I think as I have an annoying habit of sounding bossy I've been told by him!

Right - he's getting you just where he wants you isn't he Hmm Doing all the shit and too scared to say anything.

... sounds like a manchild - at best.

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 19/01/2014 21:35

Could you afford a cleaner between you? You want a partner, not an extra child.

I'd just say that the current arrangement isn't working for you,that you're shattered and can you both look at making things a bit more even. Maybe make all the cooking, washing up etc his job - plus maybe hovering an agreed number of times per week?