Is he a cocklodger..or are my expectations wrong?

[Doratheexplorersboots]

Just that really.

DP (well, I say 'D'..) is not DC's dad. But we all live together. He is good with DC, great playing and interacting with them etc, but is rubbish (and I mean rubbish) round the house. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he hasn't lived with anyone in a while and it's a huge adjustment living with, not a ready made family as that sounds awful, but the shock to the system of dealing with one child and a toddler must be immense. I realise that.

However, we both work full-time (admittedly I've only just gone from PT to FT), but I do everything domestically. Ok so specifically that is: changing beds, all the washing, all the cleaning, all the washing up/dishwasher bits. He does the cooking, which is great must admit.

I know this may be a case of communication, but to be honest, I know it'll cause an argument. I did ask him to hang the washing out the other day and he did it, but in general I get the impression if I ask too much of him he feels put upon.
He sees the weekends for relaxing lying on the sofa with his feet up which, in an ideal world with a cleaner/housekeeper/cook, would be fabulous. He does get tired and gets headaches now & again, but we work the same office hours. Plus I, for obvious reasons, am more involved with looking after DC..I don't expect him to do as much as maybe he would if he was their dad, that would be grossly unfair.

I don't know..I'm just feeling a little fed up as today again I've ended up running round like a headless chicken doing everything while he lols about. And I'm not even that much of a tidy/clean person! I just realise clothes have to be washed and like a medium standard of cleanliness!

Sorry..bit of a rant. Help me with stories of what it should be like please

People do have differerent domestic standards, it's true.

But sitting on your arse while the other adult you live with is running around with no leisure time, isn't an issue of differing domestic standards, is it? It's just bloody selfish.

Why do people think that's OK? Because a man is nice to the kids, crass, outrageous selfishness can be overlooked or excused? Really?

I am clearly a princess.

It's got nothing to do with standards though, all you have to do is look at what your partner does and taking an equal share in it.

xpost with Basil - quite.

Men arn't children but this guy has never been a parent or step parent before - he has never lived with someone before. As I say he could be lazy he could just be a guy who is used to relaxing on a Saturday and needs a hands up.

Assuming that he's an emotionally abusive arsehole because he's told the op she has a bossy tone of voice is stupid

Hey MA you have misquoted me too! I didnt say ... "you should be able to say whatever you like"

I said "you should be able to be yourself and voice your concerns"

The OP wanted to know if her expectations were wrong, my view is, no they are not. You have every right to complain and ask for change, and you shouldn't pause to worry if you will sound like a nag.

For what its worth - AF doesnt sound like a man hater to me, just a cocklodgerhater, and nothing wrong with that!

Eh? Emotionally abusive? I never said so...

You don't need to be a parent to know that clothes need washing, houses need tidying etc, this is not rocket science.

I dont think men are stupid at all but i think assuming that how they see a domestic situation or state of a house is the same way is always the same way as a woman /partner is very prescriptive.
As I say I can walk past a pile of washing and see no problem with it mu OCD 15 year old has to tidy it and put it away.

Um, probably not the best person to comment on this...similar situation with previous partner, he moved in with me and I have kids. He never lifted a finger and actually when I raised it with him he said "You'd still have to do it all if I didn't live here".

Now you've been together 6 months, it might be time to re-evaluate things and see work out a rota or something for the main chores. If approaching that as an adult causes an argument, LTB!

I need domestic shit spelling out to me by my dh, he died so I got a cleaner - I am not thick and have a fairly responsible job.

You're talking about tolerance of mess MA which isn't the same thing. The OP is talking about basic chores. No adult doesn't know what those chores are & if they're doing them or not.

"again I've ended up running round like a headless chicken doing everything while he lols about"
"I get the impression if I ask too much of him he feels put upon ."
''I have to watch my tone I think as I have an annoying habit of sounding bossy I've been told by him!"
"He sees the weekends for relaxing lying on the sofa with his feet up"
"I know this may be a case of communication, but to be honest, I know it'll cause an argument "

Am sensing a distinct power imbalance, myself....

xpost, I'm sorry to hear about your husband MA, but I can't believe you didn't know that clothes needed washing.

I know clothes need washing but I can leave them in an ironing pile and just use what I want , my dh and now my ds has to put them away.
And yes Handy woman I can see the pattern but she hasn't actually had the argument yet has she so she hasn't yet really communicated the problem ! If he;s an arsehole and lazy twat after the conversation - then fine - but the OP says it 'I know this may be a case of communication'

Which is what I have been saying - communicate !

I think the OP definitely needs to develop assertiveness in her communication with her DP but there is nonetheless something red here, flapping in the wind. I think both facts may be reasonably acknowledged.

I agree but sometimes the red flapping thing this is a woman's or man's inability to communicate in a reasonable and appropriate way.

She has tried to communicate hasn't she?

And been told that she's bossy.

Which is another way of saying "stop asking me to do my fair share. Do it all yerself".

It could be 'Stop asking me in a bossy tone of voice and discuss it like I'm an adult instead of a naughty child' ? Unless you are there I think its hard to tell. I think in balance of probabilities he s a lazy git but unless they have really had the conversation who knows?

if Op has been made to feel she is "bossy" for raising legitimate concerns then I disagree that this is simply a case of her not opening her trap to communicate

Ah, reasonable and appropriate.

Who defines that?

I have noticed that often, the person who is being asked to do their fair share, also gets to define how the supplicant person who is asking them to do that, should do it. They're the one who defines whether the other person has used the correct (IE reasonable and appropriate tone).

Funnily enough, they often decide s/he hasn't. And coincidentally, that means that it justifies their lazy-ass lying around when they should be pulling their weight. Which is convenient.

OP, to get back to giving you advice on your situation... I would say your expectations are not too high in terms of wanting him to do more.

I have a similar situation with my DH of 6 years. I end up doing more and more in the house until I get fed up, and then we have a discussion and we kind of reset the chore balance. Yes, I would love him to just notice stuff and do it but actually I have come to realise that I don't mind that that is never going to happen. The crises tend to happen after a change in circumstance e.g. when we moved house, when our baby was born, when she started at the childminder etc. New jobs arise, I have less time or energy and I try to carry on for a bit, grumbling under my breath swearing loudly when he's out of earshot! before I realise than communicating directly with him is the only way to solve it.

Then we come up with a plan that usually works until some new life circumstance comes along. That's how relationships grow and evolve. Now admittedly he does always pull his weight when I ask him to. If he didn't I would be very unhappy - it's one thing not helping because you're totally unobservant, another if you ignore a direct request for support from your partner.

And it's not about the amount of work or that "you'd have to do it anyway". As I said to him the other day, it doesn't matter to me if I get to sit on the sofa for 2 hours, I resent that he's sat for 4 hours; I want to get to the situation where we both get to sit for 3 hours, having done an hour's work each. (Of course, it ends up being more like 1 hour sat, 3 hours work but the principle's the same).

Oh look Westergille has had a real life version that works out because their relationship has grown and evolved.

He dint say that they went legitimate concerns he said she had a bossy tome - the two are not mutually exclusive !

MA - I am sorry to hear about your DH.

I know when you have lost someone it's much harder to find fault in other peoples DHs/Dads/Mums

Chipping I appreciate your sympathy - to be honest it would have been me that my DH was complaining about domestically ;) I just think If you have not had the argument and the relationship is relatively new, with new job circumstances then benefit of the doubt is not out of the ball park - I think assuming everyone has the same domestic radar is very simplistic - he may think cooking is fair shares - he is wrong but it does take time for anyone in new circumstances to adjust.

how long would you give it, MA ?

6 months is quite a long time to sit on your arse and watch someone else take the brunt of the shitwork

Sorry but if you can sit on your arse and watch your DP running around like a blue-arsed fly and think you've done your fair share because you did some cooking that week, then the reason you have a different perception of what your fair share is, is because you are a very selfish person.

And that applies whether you are male or female.