Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he a cocklodger..or are my expectations wrong?

132 replies

Doratheexplorersboots · 19/01/2014 18:50

Just that really.

DP (well, I say 'D'..) is not DC's dad. But we all live together. He is good with DC, great playing and interacting with them etc, but is rubbish (and I mean rubbish) round the house. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he hasn't lived with anyone in a while and it's a huge adjustment living with, not a ready made family as that sounds awful, but the shock to the system of dealing with one child and a toddler must be immense. I realise that.

However, we both work full-time (admittedly I've only just gone from PT to FT), but I do everything domestically. Ok so specifically that is: changing beds, all the washing, all the cleaning, all the washing up/dishwasher bits. He does the cooking, which is great must admit.

I know this may be a case of communication, but to be honest, I know it'll cause an argument. I did ask him to hang the washing out the other day and he did it, but in general I get the impression if I ask too much of him he feels put upon.
He sees the weekends for relaxing lying on the sofa with his feet up which, in an ideal world with a cleaner/housekeeper/cook, would be fabulous. He does get tired and gets headaches now & again, but we work the same office hours. Plus I, for obvious reasons, am more involved with looking after DC..I don't expect him to do as much as maybe he would if he was their dad, that would be grossly unfair.

I don't know..I'm just feeling a little fed up as today again I've ended up running round like a headless chicken doing everything while he lols about. And I'm not even that much of a tidy/clean person! I just realise clothes have to be washed and like a medium standard of cleanliness!

Sorry..bit of a rant. Help me with stories of what it should be like please Smile

OP posts:
MellowAutumn · 19/01/2014 23:17

I don't know Any Fucker to be honest - probably not that long - but I would have had it out with him ages ago to be honest ;P

AnyFucker · 19/01/2014 23:18

Op tried to, she was told she was being "too bossy"

AnyFucker · 19/01/2014 23:20

I can see your point, MA

but this shit is so engrained in women, that they are the nurturers and the pleasers and they have to compromise in order to make a relationship work

it's not right to reinforce that in the absence of anything coming the other way, IMO, it just adds to the pressure to STFU and hold it all together in case he leaves you

ChippingInWadesIn · 19/01/2014 23:20

MA - but if he is lolling around the house, feet up on the settee and he can see the OP doing all the housework etc and doing all the dishes while all he does is cook... how can any reasonable adult need it spelling out to him that this is wrong.

On top of that he has already made her feel bad for asking him to do his share - he acts 'put upon', calls her bossy and she knows it will cause an arguement :( It doesn't sound, to me, as if she hasn't tried to get him to do his share (well, less than his share I suspect!).

MellowAutumn · 19/01/2014 23:23

Askasil - cooking from scratch could be 1 to 2 hours with clean up in my house which is why each child has a cooking night ;0So yeh it could equate with me sitting on my bum on a Saturday if I cooked all week. If its nuggets and chips every night then may be not but it could still be 3/4 hours a week in the evenings which again if my partner had done nothing I would have no problem with them doingt he washing and some hovering. Th OP does not say what she is doing while he cooks.

I have no need to be busy just because my partner (imaginary)is busy . IF i have down my share.

MellowAutumn · 19/01/2014 23:30

Anyfucker - Then Its the op who is pushing the stereotype not the man - If you wont talk the talk because it might cause an argument then who has the problem ?

Patriarchy is much harder to fight on a societal level - on a personal level women need to bite the bullet in my opinion.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2014 23:33

MA, you realise that is victim blaming ?

You say it's the OP's fault for not speaking up ? Even though it is quite clear to any decent individual what the problem is ?

Op has tried to speak up but it got her name called and some manipulation to boot, so it's her fault she is where she is ?

hmm

MellowAutumn · 19/01/2014 23:44

Victim ?

Oh please - he's not hitting her, he's lazy/not seeing the situation from her point of view /could very well feel cooking and clean up is a fair balance - He's probably wrong but its not domestic fucking abuse.

There has been no argument because they have not had the discussion , The title of the thread is 'are my expectations wrong' so the OP herself is not really clear whether she is being unreasonable or not. If she doesn't know - how the hell is he supposed to know. It a new domestic set up that needs some tweaking and the op needs to get a grip and have the conversation.

MellowAutumn · 19/01/2014 23:45

If she is that scared of him that she can't then she needs to get him to move out as he is not fit to round her children

AnyFucker · 19/01/2014 23:47

I would feel pretty victimised by running round doing all the shitwork while some bloke sat on his arse

It's not up to you to say whether she is a victim or not

Yes, I wouldn't stand for it in the first place but I do at least acknowledge it's not that easy for everyone to stand up for themselves

and of course, the lazy twats seem to have a radar for those who would find it difficult, strangely enough

MellowAutumn · 19/01/2014 23:52

It isn't always that easy to stand up for yourself but it doesn't make the other person automatically abusive.

It not up to you to call her a victim either.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2014 23:55

Fair enough, but I wasn't the one pointing out how her behaviour was causing him to treat her the way he is

Twinklestein · 19/01/2014 23:56

Victim is a word with a myriad different applications. You can be a victim of someone's laziness and selfishness without being a victim of abuse...

MellowAutumn · 19/01/2014 23:59

Anyfucker as I have pointed out - he may not even realise he's being a knob, he could very well feel cooking and playing with the kids is enough - He's not psychic and he's new to this domestic situation - not all of us get it and need it pointing out. Knobish yes but not abusive.

She has not said she is afraid of him just thinks there will be an argument

MellowAutumn · 20/01/2014 00:02

You can also be a victim of not speaking up for yourself and asking for what you need. classic female failings in domestic and work place situations unfortunately.

And Op if you are physically/emotionally frightened then please get some help to get out of the situation.

If you just don't want to have an argument or to truly understand he's a lazy git then not really sure what advice I would give as I could not put up with it ;)

MummyAbroad · 20/01/2014 00:07

mellow for someone who would not put up with it yourself you have made an awful lot of excuses for this man.

MellowAutumn · 20/01/2014 00:18

No just as someone domestically challenged I can understand reason why he may not naturally 'get' what he is supposed to be doing . As I have said before if I have cooked every night for a couple of hours and cleaned the kitchen I would sit only my bum and read a book on Saturday while my partner did housework if they had not done much in the week.

I would however have had the conversation regardless of weather it caused an argument or not if the balance was as the op describes it and I was unhappy with the situation.

Understanding why someone new to a family domestic situation doesn't 'get' it doesn't mean I would put up with it long term after talking about it. You can understand the causes knobish behaviour without accepting it .

BeCool · 20/01/2014 00:22

But in who's world is simply cooking enough? Even if you are only thinking of yourself and have relatively low standards you need to do more than cook to function in life.

The answer can only be that he EXPECTS the OP to do it for him. And he us showing her he is prepared to lounge around and watch her do it.

BeCool · 20/01/2014 00:23

I bet you the OP is not sitting on her bum while he cooks.

MellowAutumn · 20/01/2014 00:28

Probably not - but you don't know that - just as she doesn't know there will 100% be an argument. Its all assumption.

If you don't say what you want you wont get it will you.

Again I am not saying he's not a knob or a bit dim but he's not abusive and she has not really had the necessary conversation with him - for whatever reason.

whitsernam · 20/01/2014 00:35

I can't stay silent any longer, having watched the altercation going on between posters here....

I have a mentally handicapped son, and even he feels enough sense of responsibility to not just sit and watch someone do all the work!! The surest way to get him moving is to start in on something.... he will always get up and help.

So what is the OP's man's excuse? And hardly anyone cooks complex meals from scratch each evening; 30 min. per day is more like it. Come on folks, a little common sense would go a long ways.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2014 00:38

Yup, whits, it's called humanity and the vast majority of us have it

To argue she should put it to one side does all of us down

MellowAutumn · 20/01/2014 00:39

Whitserman - ages ago someone posted they had a very similar situation - talked to thier partner and it was resolved as their relationship evolved and developed - how much more common sense do you want than a real life example?

MellowAutumn · 20/01/2014 00:41

So basically she should LTB without even having the conversation ? Is that what your common sense says ?

MellowAutumn · 20/01/2014 00:43

Humanity ? You are do overly dramatic it quite funny - abuse and victims -????