Is he a cocklodger..or are my expectations wrong?

[Doratheexplorersboots]

Just that really.

DP (well, I say 'D'..) is not DC's dad. But we all live together. He is good with DC, great playing and interacting with them etc, but is rubbish (and I mean rubbish) round the house. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he hasn't lived with anyone in a while and it's a huge adjustment living with, not a ready made family as that sounds awful, but the shock to the system of dealing with one child and a toddler must be immense. I realise that.

However, we both work full-time (admittedly I've only just gone from PT to FT), but I do everything domestically. Ok so specifically that is: changing beds, all the washing, all the cleaning, all the washing up/dishwasher bits. He does the cooking, which is great must admit.

I know this may be a case of communication, but to be honest, I know it'll cause an argument. I did ask him to hang the washing out the other day and he did it, but in general I get the impression if I ask too much of him he feels put upon.
He sees the weekends for relaxing lying on the sofa with his feet up which, in an ideal world with a cleaner/housekeeper/cook, would be fabulous. He does get tired and gets headaches now & again, but we work the same office hours. Plus I, for obvious reasons, am more involved with looking after DC..I don't expect him to do as much as maybe he would if he was their dad, that would be grossly unfair.

I don't know..I'm just feeling a little fed up as today again I've ended up running round like a headless chicken doing everything while he lols about. And I'm not even that much of a tidy/clean person! I just realise clothes have to be washed and like a medium standard of cleanliness!

Sorry..bit of a rant. Help me with stories of what it should be like please

Does he take more than he gives? If so I'd give him the elbow.

''I have to watch my tone I think as I have an annoying habit of sounding bossy I've been told by him!

Right - he's getting you just where he wants you isn't he hmm Doing all the shit and too scared to say anything.''

Offs - perhaps the Op does sound bossy ????? Why is a man not allowed a bloody opinion about how he is spoken to on here without everyone shouting EA - having a womb doesn't make the OP perfect.

She has kids and has been a mum for a while - he has just moved in - she has just gone full time and he used to live in a pit. lots of reasons why they should have conversations about expectations and for her to be clear what she wants him to do but its hardly bloody EA.

Bossy = a woman asking a man to do something he should have done without being asked.

Masterful = a man doing the same thing.

Oh what bollocks - woman with snippy tone as pissed off as man not noticed how hard she is working - rather than woman with reasonable tone asking specific tasks to be done as she understand both their expectations have to change. it could also be other way round. This isnt sexism just a gap in communication and him going from living as a singleton to part of a family.

If an adult man does not do the chores he's supposed to without being asked, he doesn't get to call the 'tone' in which he's asked to do them.

He needs to grow up, grow a pair, and stop fannying about.

Bloke who sits on his arse while woman runs herself ragged deserves to get dumped

If she gets a "bit bossy" he should think himself fucking lucky

The manpleasers are arriving.

'chores'??? he supposed to do ??? The Op has just gone full time, they have only just moved in together and they are her children. She says he lived in a pit and he cooks and pays with the kids. Is there a master list somewhere of his exact responsibilities that you are aware of ? Or is this a real life situation which will take some adjusting and compromise on both parts ?

Aren't they just AF.

rather than woman with reasonable tone asking specific tasks to be done why exactly should she have to ask him to do specific tasks, he is supposed to be a grown man, it's not difficult to understand a house needs cleaning, dishes need doing or ASK when you see the woman you love doing stuff how you can help instead of sitting on your arse watching. FFS yourself.

MA, are you under the impression (like this bloke is) that "chores" do themselves ?

I disabused my children of this idea when they were about 8yo

do you credit this bloke with so little intelligence...he knows what needs to be done to run a home, atm he is simply choosing to let OP do it all

he needs a short, sharp (yes, bossy) kick up the jacksy

pull your weight, or fuck off

Anyfucker you give fab advice and I respect the stand you take on abuse but sometimes just sometimes you sound like a manhater.

I am shit at housework and my DH did all the cooking and cleaning while I did everything financial and all the running around after kids - I also worked longer hours.

Not every successful or worthwhile relationship looks the same, expectations are not always immediately the same and compromise and negotiation are healthy and normal.

What adult doesn't know they're responsible for washing their clothes?

Do as I say or fuck off - great way to show kids how relationships work

MA, thanks for the vote of confidence, but OP herself has said that he sits on his arse while she runs round doing chores

I didn't make that up, honest

Erh Twinkle - one that is doing the cooking for the whole family ?

xpost - so you've set up a roughly equal share of the chores.

The OP has not.

You are misquoting me, MA

That is out of order

the exact quote was "pull your weight, or fuck off" not "do as you are told"

it's not so far upthread that you got confused, tbh

I'm not saying thaty he should sit around while she does chore's - just that telling him to do exactly what she says or to fuck off is not exactly a great way to run a newish relationship,

You're aware you have that responsibility though, you're balancing it by doing other chores.

The OP's guy doesn't seem to be aware that he has any responsibility for household chores at all. He does the cooking, plays with the kids and then lolls about.

the lessons that both DH and I teach our children is that not one person is more important than the other in a relationship

MA, you may have worked out something equal in your situation, but OP is telling us quite clearly that the dynamic in hers is one of inequality

so, I don't see your point

Exactly Twinkle but maybe her DP does not know what a fair share looks like - or what she thinks a fair share looks like.? He could be a lazy arsehole for all I know but they are still in a very new domestic situation - especially for him. I would quite happily live in a pigsty my DH could not, neither of us was intrinsically wrong but it took us a while to come to a reasonable compromise.

Unless he's special needs I don't see how he can't know what half the chores looks like...

Even suppose he were superdumb, he could just look about him and see what he OP's doing.

LOL at AF being a manhater because she assumes men are equal adults who understand what needs to be done for a household to be maintained as well as a woman does.

Because thinking men aren't children, is hating them doncha know.

Well considering the variation of standards I see in peoples houses everyday I do think you could be wrong - common sense is never quite as common as you think in reality - if it was MN would be very boring.

MA, do you think men are intrinsically stupid ?

that doesn't say much about your opinion of men

and I am a manhater ?