Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Just been propositioned for an affair!

148 replies

Bogeyface · 16/01/2014 00:02

So will try and keep this brief. (Epic Fail. Sorry)

Am friends with several people at the local pub, including the landlord and landlady (old friends from eons ago), some locals, some semi regulars that are also friends of mine from elsewhere, blah blah.

There is a very jokey play ground atmosphere, if someone says something a bit sex related then there is lots of joking and laughing and taking the piss, amongst the men and the women. There is a man that often gives me and H a lift home (he is a teetotaler before you ask!) who I get on with and we have a laugh but no more than anyone else, H gets on well with him too.

Tonight there was an event that I went to alone and he offered me a lift home. After we got in the car he said that he had something to say to me and had practised it. Basically, he thought I was after him and he was up for it. So then I had to say that no I wasnt and thanks but no thanks. I think I did it sensitively enough for it not to impact on our "pub friends" thing, but it has pissed me off and upset me.

It is well known how protective and loving he is to his wife and he gets very cross if any of the men talk to her or flirt with her. I said "oh but you adore X" and he said "Do I?" at which point I wanted to lamp him one. I was just waiting for "oh she doesnt understand me/ we only stayed together for the kids/she is so demanding..." I liked him as a pub mate but can never look at him the same way again because now I can see that he has done this before. Little things that he said and did make more sense now. He is my fathers age btw and said it was an old mans fantasy. Fantasy I can deal with, but I wish he hadnt tried to make it real!

But what pisses me off the most is that he clearly thought I would say yes! I thought I was careful enough to not give that impression (past issues, accused of "asking for it").

I dont know what I am asking, I think I just need to vent.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bogeyface · 16/01/2014 00:06

I have told H about it and he thinks that the man in question is just someone on the make and I should let it go. He doesnt get how upset I am.

And I think this man is projecting in the way he is possessive of his wife and hates people flirting with her, because he assumes she will do what he would do and shag them!

OP posts:

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 16/01/2014 00:07

Urgh. What a creep.

fortyplus · 16/01/2014 00:07

Shame he's turned out to be an arrogant arsehole! But look on the bright side - you can play all sorts of games with him now - he'll be terrified that he'll be found out!

RudyMentary · 16/01/2014 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein · 16/01/2014 00:11

The sad delusions of men... Ego + testosterone = egg on face.

Original poster

Bogeyface · 16/01/2014 00:13

Lady yes, he is a creep, and that is horrible because we all had such a laugh before :(

Forty Oooh evil, I like it! :o

Rudy no. not me, thankfully!

OP posts:

Tonandfeather · 16/01/2014 00:19

Your husband seems very relaxed about his pub friend hitting on his wife?

So's you don't misunderstand me, I'm not suggesting your husband should challenge him to a duel or anything and quite rightly, he should leave this to you to deal with (and you did so just fine) but he doesn't even seem that bothered about it?

Will you tell this guy's wife?

WallyBantersJunkBox · 16/01/2014 00:28

If I was thick skinned I'd be on triple G&T's and unlimited cheesy NikNaks.

Unfortunately I'm not, and I've had told him not to speak to me again otherwise you'll tell his wife. What is he like generally in the pub - he doesn't brag about conquests like a billy big balls when his DW isn't there does he?

So sorry that your favorite boozer has been tainted. I don't know what you're DH could do - a quiet word perhaps?

MissPryde · 16/01/2014 00:37

I'm not sure what I'd do. My first instinct would be to have a drink with the wife and let her know what happened. Unfortunately, that can backfire spectacularly. Had an experience where a friend confided in me she was cheating on her partner - one of my partner's best mates. Of course, I told partner, he had a word with his mate... it all went bad and lost that entire group of friends in spectacular fashion.

People tend to blame the messenger, and you don't want to lose your pub mates. But... maybe you could joke around a bit about it in the group? If the wife has suspicions, maybe she'll ask you for a word. You could always make out like you didn't even take his offer seriously, thought it was a big joke.

neiljames77 · 16/01/2014 00:39

I've found that the blokes I know who constantly tell everyone how much they love and adore their wives are usually the ones to have or want affairs. It's a smokescreen.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 16/01/2014 00:49

Creeps tee.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 16/01/2014 00:50

I meant creepster sorry autocorrect!

Original poster

Bogeyface · 16/01/2014 00:56

Funnily enough, I just said to H that he didnt seem bothered and he said he isnt because he knows that "OM" (!) is no threat which is right, because he isnt.

His DW isnt a part of the crowd but is known and liked by most of them (I have never met her) so if I did tell her then given that nothing actually happened, I suspect that me and H would be persona non grata and we would suffer more. :(

I am feeling very pissed off with myself because I am worried that I did something to cause this. Why should I feel like that? I didnt do anything wrong!

OP posts:

MissPryde · 16/01/2014 01:00

Of course you didn't do anything to cause it. Don't worry yourself like that.

A man willing to cheat on his wife in the first place doesn't have the best judgement. And so many men, no matter what, will take anything you do as a 'signal' because they delude themselves into it. If you tell them to fuck off they'll think you're being coy.

Original poster

Bogeyface · 16/01/2014 01:09

miss You're right about deluding themselves and I have just remembered something. When he was first talking about it in the car, he made it all about me!

He said that he had read my "signals", he did use that word, and that he was surprised that somone (according to him) so young (!), funny (!), beautiful (!!!) and intelligent (Ha!) would be interested in him. It was a bullshit sandwich! He has definitely done this before, the more I think about it, the more I am sure.

I am angry now. He tried it on but made it all my fault!

OP posts:

Tonandfeather · 16/01/2014 01:11

That's a strange reaction from your husband. He's looking at this from the perspective of what damage this could have done to him and not how disrespectful this was to you. So as he thinks the older man was no threat to him, his concern ends? What about how this made you feel then?

Please don't give even a moment's thought to anything you did. I expect you are not the first and you won't be the last. He sounds like an opportunist who might not have given this too much thought beforehand and just mused "Car. Alone with attractive woman. Chance?"

neiljames77 · 16/01/2014 01:27

Maybe if you don't want to lose the group of friends (and why should you, you've done nothing wrong) you could let the group know in a semi joking, semi serious way. For instance, when you get to the end of your drink, say, "I could do with another", then look over at the letch and say, "that means another drink by the way, not another man, just in case you read that wrong as well."
I know how difficult it is trying to put someone off without ruining the atmosphere.

akawisey · 16/01/2014 07:41

If it were me in your situation I'd be pissed off too. But you knocked him back and told your H so I'd just put it down to experience and ignore. Whether he's done this before or not isn't your problem and I wouldn't tell his W or refer to it ever again. He's a chancer and a bit of a knob and not a particularly good mate.

You never know, your H might take it on himself to have a 'quiet word' with this bloke.

KikiShack · 16/01/2014 08:50

I don't understand why people are so surprised op's husband is fairly relaxed about this. To me the fact that he didn't feel some prehistoric caveman need to jump in and defend her honour shows he is a modern husband with a sensible view of how much his wife can take care of herself.
My DP (9 yrs together so effectively H) would do similarly- he doesn't view it as his job to tell men whether/how they can talk to me, he trusts me to fight my own battles with pervy leches and will stay out of them unless I specifically ask otherwise. He trusts me to tell him anything he needs to know. To me this is the modern feminist way of dealing with things maturely, not H 'having a word'.
Any man is allowed to approach me and offer an affair if he wants to, and I have the right and the power to decline. It is a rude and disrespectful thing to ask but then he'd have to deal with the consequences. It is for me to tell him no, not my P- he doesn't own me or the right to talk to me!
Not sure I've put my point across as eloquently as I was hoping...

Joysmum · 16/01/2014 08:56

Why would the husband get upset?

Only a husband who didn't have faith in his marriage and wife or saw the other bloke as a friend and therefore killing the friendship would be upset.

nickymanchester · 16/01/2014 09:42

I have to say that I agree with kikishack and joysmum here.

I think it demonstrates just how much trust and confidence he has in you and the relationship. Many women here talk about having ''controlling'' partners and I think this is an example of what an equal relationship should be like.

However, if this guy had upset or distressed you, rather than pissed you off, I bet that your H would be taking it very differently indeed.

Jaffacakesallround · 16/01/2014 09:52

Oh just put it down to experience and in a year's time you will have a laugh with your mates about it all.

He tried it on. Loads of men do all the time. You responded in the right way.

I don't think your husband's reaction is out of order- he may feel flattered in fact that other men fancy you, but you are his!

And don't tell the wife- she'll more likely blame you or roll her eyes and say something like 'oh god, not again!'.

Original poster

Bogeyface · 16/01/2014 22:46

Teeny Update.

H is now very angry.

He is angry at the total lack of respect this man has shown to us, both individually and as a couple. He is also fuming that this man thinks I would do that, and that I am feeling so embarrassed.

We were supposed to be going to another event soon, but we have agreed not to go until we have worked out how we want to proceed. We dont want to remove ourself from our friendship group, but as this man is a major part of it, and clearly has no shame so wont stay away himself, we want to get our ducks in a row before we return.

I think that I will "mention" it to my friend who is the landlords wife. She tries very hard to keep secrets, but always fails spectacularly, which could be useful

OP posts:

Lazyjaney · 16/01/2014 22:58

Good old H, he finally Got On Message

I agree with Jaffa....

Original poster

Bogeyface · 17/01/2014 00:13

I think he just needed time to think about it.

His initial reaction was "Sad Twat. He is no threat is he? So why worry about it?" I think he didnt realise that I wasnt worried, I was upset.

Then it sank in and he realised just what a disrespectful and presumptive thing it was to do. Not so much "Me Big Man, She MY Woman!!" sort of thing (:o) but that he has shown no consideration or respect to either of us or our marriage.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6