Just been propositioned for an affair!

[Bogeyface]

So will try and keep this brief. (Epic Fail. Sorry)

Am friends with several people at the local pub, including the landlord and landlady (old friends from eons ago), some locals, some semi regulars that are also friends of mine from elsewhere, blah blah.

There is a very jokey play ground atmosphere, if someone says something a bit sex related then there is lots of joking and laughing and taking the piss, amongst the men and the women. There is a man that often gives me and H a lift home (he is a teetotaler before you ask!) who I get on with and we have a laugh but no more than anyone else, H gets on well with him too.

Tonight there was an event that I went to alone and he offered me a lift home. After we got in the car he said that he had something to say to me and had practised it. Basically, he thought I was after him and he was up for it. So then I had to say that no I wasnt and thanks but no thanks. I think I did it sensitively enough for it not to impact on our "pub friends" thing, but it has pissed me off and upset me.

It is well known how protective and loving he is to his wife and he gets very cross if any of the men talk to her or flirt with her. I said "oh but you adore X" and he said "Do I?" at which point I wanted to lamp him one. I was just waiting for "oh she doesnt understand me/ we only stayed together for the kids/she is so demanding..." I liked him as a pub mate but can never look at him the same way again because now I can see that he has done this before. Little things that he said and did make more sense now. He is my fathers age btw and said it was an old mans fantasy. Fantasy I can deal with, but I wish he hadnt tried to make it real!

But what pisses me off the most is that he clearly thought I would say yes! I thought I was careful enough to not give that impression (past issues, accused of "asking for it").

I dont know what I am asking, I think I just need to vent.

Still cant sleep, ol' drama queen that I am.

Yes I have been hit on, of course I have, we all have. But I have never been in that situation before. A man I trusted as a friend put me in a situation that shocked and upset me.

Thank girls.

Oh fgs. A man hitting another man because he's propositioned his wife?
Op. Move on

All he did was say he thought you fancied him.

Sorry Bogey but you are overreacting just a bit.
Yes you are disappointed in his behaviour, but it happens.
I think you might be exaggerating the friendship angle anyway- he's an acquaintance really who is part of the pub crowd. You may be taking this- and yourself- just a bit too seriously.
There are much worse things that can and do happen and I suggest you get a perspective.

You thought he was a good friend, I get this. He thinks you are a friend but he also thought he'd try it on. He obviously doesn't respect your friendship much or see it in the same way. I would think that hurts. I think it might also smart because you feel this man should have acknowledged your marriage by not doing this and maybe your husband should acknowledge the marriage also by an appropriate reaction.

From your posts I get the impression that you think there should have been more of a reaction from your husband and that the posts saying that there isn't because he trusts you are not hitting the spot for you. Perhaps it feels like your husband isn't taking it seriously enough for you and that's why you're upset.

I agree with Jaffacake; this doesn't sound like a close friend and you're making the friendship bigger in your head, possibly to justify your reaction to him making approaches to you.

It's not minimising to state the facts, which are that this man made inappropriate suggestions but that's the sum total of what he did, wasn't it? You refused and that was that. Are there reasons why it's more to you than that? You're entitled to feel whatever you feel, Bogeyface, although I can't put myself in your position. I'm often propositioned and my response is to refuse sharply and that's it. I don't think of it because I don't need to. I think that you're coming to terms with more stuff than you've posted in this thread and this man was the catalyst for it.

I totally understand where you're coming form and cannot believe the posts minimising this.

This man is a so called friend, is married and asked the OP for a shag.

I'd get worked up and upset about that. As would my DH. He'd be livid that a friend had crossed that line.

How do any of you know the depth of friendship the OP has with this man. All this 'he's not a close friend' how the fuck do you know?[comfused]

Minimising? Good lord, this is more like maximising!

He made a pass. You passed on it. Move on.

ExcuseTypos because of this:
There is a man that often gives me and H a lift home (he is a teetotaler before you ask!) who I get on with and we have a laugh but no more than anyone else, H gets on well with him too.

OP said that.

SchmaltzingMatilda - can't you say "some" men's inability?

OP I think you are getting a hard time on here.

Bringing up past posts is bad form.

I would keep your distance from the old perv and be cold with him. People will soon know what's gone on but I don't think it requires any direct action from you or DH

Unfortunately some men are predatory opportunists.

Excuse The reason he appears to be no close friend is from how the OP describes him in her first post- did you read that bit?
She describes him as a man who sometimes gives her and her DH a lift home. That to me doesn't show him as a 'close friend'.

He's in his 70s FGS! Maybe he does this to lots of women- last chance to try to have a fling- if the bits still work .

There is also the undercurrent of sexual innuendo in the pub banter and whilst I am not for one moment suggesting the OP 'encourages' anyone, some dickheads- like this guy- may read more into that general behaviour round the bar than he ought to.

I can understand how it's insulting to have a pass made by someone - out of the blue- and it's a shock. Yes- and I've experienced this too.

BUT on the Richter Scale of Relationship Crap it's barely on the scale.

I've been propositioned in many situations- once a guy just walked up to me in the street!- as well as with workmen in my home, partners of friends and more- but you just tell them where to get off and move on.

"Predatory Opportunist"

This But what pisses me off the most is that he clearly thought I would say yes! I thought I was careful enough to not give that impression (past issues, accused of "asking for it") is the key information.

Although you know that you didn't give him the 'come on' this incident has made you relive old demons.

You need to look to yourself and be honest about how your history has made you overeact, because this has clearly opened up old wounds.

the fact that someone I liked and got on with would treat his wife in that way was equally shocking. I don't mean to be offensive; but aren't you living with someone who did exactly that?

Bogeyface - I think if I was in your DH's place, I'd embarrass the old boy next time everyone's together in the pub. I'd probably laugh and say, "hey, what are you doing trying to get off with my wife, you dopey old turd?" and " if she was going to mess about with another bloke, it wouldn't be with someone whose knackers have dropped so low that when he stands there naked, there's a kitten playing with them"
I would take him outside and chin him or anything. I'd ridicule him in front of everyone. At least that way you keep your circle of friends and he gets to look like a fool.

^^
dont be daft - if the old boy had half a wit he'd shoot back that DH should keep his eyes on who his wife is eyeing up.

And if the OP had given any evidence that this old boy's view that he had "noticed her noticing him" had substance.....egg, face, splat.

I think I understand how you feel a little. I have had 2 so called 'friends' hit on me, one was what I considered to be a close friend and I really loved him and his partner in a way that I would love a favourite uncle and his much younger wife. The other was a close friend's husband.
The first one really hit me where it hurt, I wasn't with anyone myself so no issue with dissing my marriage or anything but it was the fact I knew we could no longer be friends and I would mourn the loss of their friendship.
The second one upset me because it was proof that he was in fact a slimy git who my friend has saddled herself with and refuses to leave even after I told her. Our friendship has died because of him...bastard.

I understand if this is how you feel. I don't think the marriage has anything to do with how you feel though.

Lazyjaney - Bogeyface didn't encourage him or eye him up though. It's just a randy old goat that needs taking down a step or two, in front of everyone if possible.

Plus, what "evidence" could he produce to say she'd asked for it?
Nah, neither Bogeyface or her DH would have egg on their face. The salivating old guy might but that'd be from dinner time.

I have been propositioned like this many times and have always said no.

It always made me feel like I was doing something to egg them on.

I once had a boss that used to call me damned attractive in front of my colleagues. It made me cringe.

I don't think there's anything odd about your husbands response. Think it says a lot about your relationship to be honest.

Well done for telling him to jog on.

I think the issues are being conflated, that is what is giving it legs. Otherwise, what's the big deal, I mean how do affairs ever get started? Someone has to make the first move, not saying affairs are okay.

The conflated issues are a) You don't piss in your own bath (or some such phrase) so now he has gone and tarnished the OP's social scene, it's just not on. It is really daft of him not to forsee this. b) He is a hypocrite regarding his wife c) It implies the OP was up for it just by her being sociable and friendly.

Any one of those might be irritating, but combine them all and it gives the situation legs. It's a bit like reminiscing about a bad job interview where you didn't actually even want the job in the first bloody place! It is somehow quite vexing, not least because from now on any time the OP tries to be fizzy and sociable, it's as if 'she is up for it', you can't help but contrast his attempt to be unininhibited with the resulting social inhibition for her for weeks after.