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Original poster

Just been propositioned for an affair!

148 replies

Bogeyface · 16/01/2014 00:02

So will try and keep this brief. (Epic Fail. Sorry)

Am friends with several people at the local pub, including the landlord and landlady (old friends from eons ago), some locals, some semi regulars that are also friends of mine from elsewhere, blah blah.

There is a very jokey play ground atmosphere, if someone says something a bit sex related then there is lots of joking and laughing and taking the piss, amongst the men and the women. There is a man that often gives me and H a lift home (he is a teetotaler before you ask!) who I get on with and we have a laugh but no more than anyone else, H gets on well with him too.

Tonight there was an event that I went to alone and he offered me a lift home. After we got in the car he said that he had something to say to me and had practised it. Basically, he thought I was after him and he was up for it. So then I had to say that no I wasnt and thanks but no thanks. I think I did it sensitively enough for it not to impact on our "pub friends" thing, but it has pissed me off and upset me.

It is well known how protective and loving he is to his wife and he gets very cross if any of the men talk to her or flirt with her. I said "oh but you adore X" and he said "Do I?" at which point I wanted to lamp him one. I was just waiting for "oh she doesnt understand me/ we only stayed together for the kids/she is so demanding..." I liked him as a pub mate but can never look at him the same way again because now I can see that he has done this before. Little things that he said and did make more sense now. He is my fathers age btw and said it was an old mans fantasy. Fantasy I can deal with, but I wish he hadnt tried to make it real!

But what pisses me off the most is that he clearly thought I would say yes! I thought I was careful enough to not give that impression (past issues, accused of "asking for it").

I dont know what I am asking, I think I just need to vent.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 17/01/2014 12:17

Par for the course really if you are hanging out in pubs, indulging in sexual banter with all and sundry, with or without your husband present. Especially if people think you have an open marriage.

neiljames77 · 17/01/2014 12:19

Blondeorbrunette - "I have been propositioned like this many times and have always said no."

It's a blessing and a curse, isn't it dear?

AnyFucker · 17/01/2014 13:05

Ugh, Quint that was a horrid response.

Victim blaming to the max Sad

QuintessentialShadows · 17/01/2014 13:14

Victim? Are you serious? Hmm Victim of what?

She has been propositioned, not had sex performed on her against her wishes.
It was creepy because she was not interested. He thought she was, due to sexual innuendo in the friendship group.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/01/2014 13:20

I'm with Quint on this, 'victim' to me means somebody defenceless. To keep using that as a valid term for minor infringements reduces the impact and really makes a mockery of victims. Looking at the definition, this scenario meets none of them.

I credit OP and any other adult with having the sensibility to have a rant because she's annoyed but to keep it in perspective and get on with things.

CosyTeaBags · 17/01/2014 13:31

OP I'm sorry you're having such a bashing on this thread.

I would be offended by this creepy old bastard as much as you are. Apart from him disrespecting your marriage, there's just something quite insulting about a man your father's age assuming you had been giving him the eye and were up for it.

If I were in your shoes, I would just ignore the old creep forever more. Shoot him down with a few cutting responses if he ever tries to chat to you again. Something along the lines of "I don't think so, in your dreams love" If anyone asks why, tell them it's because he's a slime bag.

And just ignore the nastiness on this thread - some people just enjoy sticking the knife in where it's not needed.

QuintessentialShadows · 17/01/2014 13:40

I think the only thing the OP is guilty of, is perhaps being a bit naive.

Elderly married man, without his wife, sexual innuendo in a group setting, "a soft spot for young women". He is in a pub, not drinking, engaging in explicit talk.... Alarm bells.

QuintessentialShadows · 17/01/2014 13:41

To keep using that as a valid term for minor infringements reduces the impact and really makes a mockery of victims.

Well said LyingWitch

neiljames77 · 17/01/2014 13:52

We all know the kind of conversation Bogeyface has been having in the pub. It's the kind of thing you can joke about among friends while having a drink but if it was in the workplace, you'd be in the shit for it. Maybe something Bogeyface said had caused the old duffer's juices to start flowing again, so he chanced his arm. It's not her fault. She hasn't done anything wrong. What are we supposed to do in the pub, sit there playing dominos or something?

QuintessentialShadows · 17/01/2014 13:54

Well In Norway where I am from, we play backgammon or chess. But dominoes would do. Grin

neiljames77 · 17/01/2014 14:00

The Norwegians are known for being hellraisers. :)

QuintessentialShadows · 17/01/2014 14:19

At least when it comes to chess. Wink

horsetowater · 17/01/2014 14:27

This man has been a friend to both of them for a very long time, they know each others friends they go places together.

If a friend of mine that fitted that description propositioned my DP I would lamp her. I don't think OP is disgusted at this man's sexual advances, she's disgusted that he has betrayed both their friendships.

As I said earlier, I think it is a test, he is a nasty creepy man and he knows exactly how this will stir things up in their relationship and amongst their friends. It may simply be a nasty dig at her husband and not even directed at her at all.

I've been on the pub scene for years in my pre-dcs days, but there is a loyalty even among the jokes and the banter and the alcohol. You don't mess with peoples relationships like this unless of course it's a swinger's scene, now that would be complicated.

Thymeout · 17/01/2014 14:50

He's a 'pub friend'. Not really the same thing. Afik, the only places they've been together are a lift home.

Sorry, OP. But I too think you're making too much of this. Yes, it was a shock, and embarrassing and awkward. Pp using language like 'abuse' is OTT. 'Disrespecting' your marriage is downright Victorian. You're not 15. You're confident enough to go to the pub on your own and join in risque banter. (It would have been more of a shock if he was giving you a lift home from a prayer meeting.) He's just a dirty old man. In his 70's? He's deluded. His proposition was ridiculous. You handled it well. Now move on.

Don't stop going to the pub. He's the one who should be embarrassed, not you.

Blondeorbrunette · 17/01/2014 15:01

Neiljames- it's neither.

QuintessentialShadows · 17/01/2014 15:04

"pub friend" = somebody that happens to be at your local, and that you chat to/drink with.

Mollydoggerson · 17/01/2014 15:04

I thought this was going to be a funny thread as in guess what happened to me....LOL.

I think it's all about boundaries. The whole group are pushing boundaries with all the sex talk, and this guy just tested the water to see if you were prepared to push the boundaries of social norms a little further and you said no. He should have been a bit more careful though. It's surprising he came straight out with it and didn't keep it to inuendo.

A guy I know hit on me recently (even though he knows I am married). There was no sexual banter but lots of laughing and reminiscing. I put it down as a compliment (maybe I am wrong - who knows - no point in dwelling).

neiljames77 · 17/01/2014 15:21

Never mind pushing boundaries, he's lucky he's not pushing a zimmer frame at his age.
And the only reason he'll have come straight out with it rather than mess about with innuendo is because time's not on his side.

horsetowater · 17/01/2014 15:24

Having re-read about the basis of this friendship, this is a teetotaller, going to the pub and driving his 'friends' home. He doesn't bring his wife with him, the OP doesn't even know her.

I think you are a bit naive OP. I don't think you are wrong to be offended that he has betrayed your friendship though but both you and DP need to present a united front and you don't seem to be doing that.

Thetallesttower · 17/01/2014 15:35

It's not that weird to think 70 year olds still fancy people, is it? One of my relatives continues to make a fool of himself over women in his 70's but even worse, some of them agree which is presumably why he hasn't given up having affairs.

I don't think asking someone if they are interested is making them a victim. It's a shame he did this to people he socialises with, and it's not that nice when you are stuck in a car with someone who suddenly confesses they fancy you, but these things happen and I think it is only problematic if he didn't take no for an answer, which he did.

All 'moves', while distasteful, carry the risk the other party isn't interested. You are not interested, I don't think it is 'disrespectful' of your marriage to have asked. I would avoid him a bit in the future though, as he's obviously not a great friend.

ProfessorDent · 17/01/2014 16:29

This may sound dodgy, but I can't be the only bloke who thinks that it's often not so much the pass that women take offence at, as the clumsy manner of it. This can apply even when a) Both are single b) There has been a bit of a romantic/erotic background to it*

*admittedly only the bloke's interpretation.

Though in this case there are other factors involved of course.

It's kind of funny, when you take a step back - old bugger makes a pass hoping to liven up his evening, instead ends up subject of hot discussion on MN, if only he knew.

QuintessentialShadows · 17/01/2014 16:38

Well, in some cases it can be the clumsy manner, in other the pass is just completely inappropriate.

Like my friends fiancee suggesting me and him have an affair, because me and her were so good friends that neither she nor my husband would notice or even think it possible. It would be so easy for us to meet up a bit earlier than planned for some fun, or to creep out of our beds for a shag when they were visiting our house. He had it all planned out. He could not understand at all why I thought it was a bad idea. To prove his point, he had texted me "change of plan, we are meeting at 12.30 rather than 1pm" So me and him arrived half an hour earlier than she did. Hmm I obviously had thought the two of them would be there together, not that I was the only recipient of that message.

I told her. They broke up. We are still friends. He suggested to HER they have an affair, after he married somebody else. Twat. Hmm

DrNick · 17/01/2014 16:54

On "the pub scene "? Like it's some deviance?!

horsetowater · 17/01/2014 17:01

So you see Quint this can be the ultimate betrayal and being friends makes it even more serious. I think OP is justified although her concept of friendship might be slightly awry.

But it still is a betrayal of the friendship, particularly the men's friendship - how many years have they been buying pints for each other / sharing lifts?

horsetowater · 17/01/2014 17:03

I'm still hoping for a Queen Vic style showdown though which will include a loud YOU'RE BARRED RIGHT NOW! from the innkeeper, and a scuffle outside.