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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just been propositioned for an affair!

148 replies

Bogeyface · 16/01/2014 00:02

So will try and keep this brief. (Epic Fail. Sorry)

Am friends with several people at the local pub, including the landlord and landlady (old friends from eons ago), some locals, some semi regulars that are also friends of mine from elsewhere, blah blah.

There is a very jokey play ground atmosphere, if someone says something a bit sex related then there is lots of joking and laughing and taking the piss, amongst the men and the women. There is a man that often gives me and H a lift home (he is a teetotaler before you ask!) who I get on with and we have a laugh but no more than anyone else, H gets on well with him too.

Tonight there was an event that I went to alone and he offered me a lift home. After we got in the car he said that he had something to say to me and had practised it. Basically, he thought I was after him and he was up for it. So then I had to say that no I wasnt and thanks but no thanks. I think I did it sensitively enough for it not to impact on our "pub friends" thing, but it has pissed me off and upset me.

It is well known how protective and loving he is to his wife and he gets very cross if any of the men talk to her or flirt with her. I said "oh but you adore X" and he said "Do I?" at which point I wanted to lamp him one. I was just waiting for "oh she doesnt understand me/ we only stayed together for the kids/she is so demanding..." I liked him as a pub mate but can never look at him the same way again because now I can see that he has done this before. Little things that he said and did make more sense now. He is my fathers age btw and said it was an old mans fantasy. Fantasy I can deal with, but I wish he hadnt tried to make it real!

But what pisses me off the most is that he clearly thought I would say yes! I thought I was careful enough to not give that impression (past issues, accused of "asking for it").

I dont know what I am asking, I think I just need to vent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogeyface · 17/01/2014 02:29

Thanks Tom

I am suffering with Shouldhavesaiditis at the mo! But while I am fairly sure that me gobbing off at him wouldnt have resulted in anything more than a long walk home, I am very conscious of personal safety. He abused that too, the fucker.

OP posts:
horsetowater · 17/01/2014 02:32

The affair might explain DH's lack of angry response - it would be hypocritical of him to be offended. Which makes me go on to wonder whether creepyman has found out about this affair an is taking advantage of the situation.

I don't think getting angry with someone for propositioning your partner is anything to do with machismo, it's a human thing. I would lamp anyone that tried to have a flirtation with DP.

It's to do with the fact that this man has known you both for a long time.

I think would be perfectly natural to feel completely betrayed and insulted.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 17/01/2014 02:33

Do you not get it Sparkly?

Well clearly not.

I thought he was a friend, a mate, someone I got on with and that was that. Then he crossed a line that I didnt even know was there. I didnt flirt with him, I didnt play up to him, all I did was have a nice time with him in a group environment. Then he gave me a lift home, as he done for me and H many times and we bought him drinks as a thank you, and I was being propositioned.

Do you not see how that could be shocking, intimidating and insulting?

OP posts:
horsetowater · 17/01/2014 02:33

Sparkly you're not making any sense at all. An affair doesn't mean she's a drama queen. You're just having a dig.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 17/01/2014 02:33

Creepy really would not know about the affair. The only people that know are MNers.

OP posts:
horsetowater · 17/01/2014 02:36

Hmmm. Not convinced.

Tonandfeather · 17/01/2014 02:37

Yes he did abuse the personal safety angle.

Nothing you said or did before or during this needs reviewing. It's understandable that you are doing that, but you don't need to. You did nothing wrong.

Women really SHOULD get angry about incidents like this. Minimising it contributes to its existence.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 17/01/2014 02:38

Actually, maybe Sparkly has hit on something, but from the wrong direction!

I am so anti affairs because of my experience that perhaps this has shocked me more than it would have done if I was ignorant of the devastation they cause. So the fact that someone thinks that I would do that has really sent me reeling, and of course the fact that someone I liked and got on with would treat his wife in that way was equally shocking.

OP posts:
horsetowater · 17/01/2014 02:39

It just seems odd that he has decided to pounce at this moment in time, something must have changed. I don't know really. Men are mysterious creatures.

Tonandfeather · 17/01/2014 02:39

This could have just as easily happened if you were a single woman. Your partner and your past together have no relevance.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 17/01/2014 02:39

Horse he really wouldnt. Its hard to explain but he does have form for having a "soft spot" for younger women. I didnt give it a thought before, but now.....

OP posts:
Sparklysilversequins · 17/01/2014 02:41

You're right if I had said an affair makes OP a drama queen I wouldn't be making any sense. But I didn't say that. Read my post.

I think the whole things sounds totally ridiculous, him for making his risqué advances in the first place and you for seething and frothing about it and declaiming a lack of respect for your marriage.

I can see exactly what will happen now, you and your DH will discuss it endlessly (lining up your ducks Hmm), you'll confide in a few people and it will all blow up into a big unnecessary ho ha.

Don't worry I won't come back to your thread. But I have to say I agree entirely with DrNick.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 17/01/2014 02:41

Horse the affair is history. But last night was the first time he and I have been alone in his car. Thats what was different. I trusted him, he had given me and H lifts before so I didnt question it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogeyface · 17/01/2014 02:43

Well thank you for you insight Sparkly I will be sure to remember it :)

OP posts:
horsetowater · 17/01/2014 02:44

I shall go to bed thinking of the Queen Vic showdown anyway. If you and DH are solid now, I'm sure you can withstand a few spilt pints and seething glares. Maybe a minor scuffle outside? You'll certainly get the landlady wading in now that she knows what happened. I'm sure she will put him outside like the vermin that he is or some other metaphor.

Well he is... he's 'well out of line' as they say in the East.

fiftyandfab · 17/01/2014 02:45

FGS get over it. It really isn't important. This shit happens all the time. Is this really the first time in your life someone's hit on you? It's not a crime, get over yourself.

horsetowater · 17/01/2014 02:46

Who's Dr Nick? Is he related to Dr Legg or Nick Cotton? Sounds like the bastard son of somebody.

horsetowater · 17/01/2014 02:48

This sort of thing doesn't happen all the time, which is why OP is so rightly outraged.

It's a complete betrayal of a long standing friendship. And it's creepy.

redrubyindigo · 17/01/2014 02:50

I call men like that 'Pickled Onion' men.

If you have a fork and a jar of pickled onions and you poke around enough times you come up with an onion eventually.

He pokes around and one day someone will nod and wink and say yes to a crap shag.

I don't want to be a pickled onion on the end of his fork.

Ignore him.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 17/01/2014 02:51

Is this really the first time in your life someone's hit on you?

No it isnt. But it is the first time I have been treated like a fool and heard such a blatant (and crap) attempt at manipulation by someone I trusted as a friend.

I own several grips, and I am well over myself.

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 17/01/2014 02:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 17/01/2014 02:54

Oh lovely!

I am a potential pickled onion :o

I like that analogy, I like it a lot!

OP posts:
fiftyandfab · 17/01/2014 02:54

horse, it might not happen to you but it does to me. it is sooo fucking nothing to be outraged about. ffs ease off....life's short

Tonandfeather · 17/01/2014 02:57

Please don't concern yourself with this minimising. You know where it comes from and why it happens. There will be more of it later, of that I have no doubt. People get very angry about women who resent this sort of thing happening and unfortunately, it causes them to hit out because it challenges their view of the world and how women should operate in it.

horsetowater · 17/01/2014 03:00

I thoroughly agree with you TonAndFeather I was starting to feel like Miss Prim of Primsville because of all these minimising posts.