I cheated and now unsure who the father is!

[Bianca123]

Hello everyone, I'm new on mumsnet so please bear with me. Please do not judge me, I had an affair and now I'm unsure on who the father might be.

First date of my last period according to scan was 16th May, I slept with guy A on 31st May & guy B on 2nd June (2 days apart), my cycle is 30days. With guy A we used withdrawal/ pull out method while with guy B, no protection was used. I just need to know what the chances are of either of them being the dad? Please help!!

[CosmicDespot]

I've re-read it, and still interpret it in the same way. I think it's the final sentence that does it.

Fwiw, op, I think you should discuss dna testing with your GP.

[CoteDAzur]

I had not noticed that OP is 8 months pregnant

I was trying not to be judgemental but, bloody hell, woman. Wth is the use of asking "Please help!!" at this point?

[CoteDAzur]

Cosmic - re "cote's idea that the prospect of lone parenthood ought to mean a termination"

Except that Cote had no such idea.

I said what I would have done (not what everyone should do)

And I said " the end of your current relationship and you being a sole parent to this baby", which I assumed is not what OP wants from life at this point.

Then again, I may have misread the OP as having a DP in there somewhere. If both men were one-night stands perhaps she wouldn't mind the end of that relationship.

[CosmicDespot]

I think the word 'cheated' in the title implies a dp, too, Cote.

Sorry if I mis-read your post. I am not particularly sensitive to lone-parent-bashing, but I really thought you implied that if sole parenthood was the probable result, termination was preferable.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

OP i wouldnt test the most likely father. I would test the one who isnt your partner and swear him to secrecy. Then you may only need to confess all if it turns out he is the father. If your partner is the father then no reason to tell him about affair.

And jeremy kyle was created so rich tv/radio pricks could make even more money from exploiting vulnerable people.

JK was not created to determine the parentage of children- there was already a facility to do that which OP can use without throwing herself to the lions of the media.

[Bianca123]

Hi Offred,

Thanks. Yes I will have consent, the guy said it from the start that he wants to know and I want to know too if not for mine but for baby's sake. We are waiting for baby to arrive, my partner is the one I used withdrawal with he has doubts that it's his but I've not told him about the other guy, will tell him when I get the DNA test results back. So the DNA is being done on the other guy and not my partner.

[Logg1e]

Your partner doubts it is his, but doesn't know about the other man you were sleeping with? How does that work?

[Logg1e]

Bianca, was sex with the other man consensual?

[TalisaMaegyr]

Why does he doubt that it's his when he doesn't know that you've slept with someone else?

[Offred]

Ok.

So, thinking about minimising your stress in that context - what's the state of your relationship with your current partner?

Is he being supportive to you during the pg and can you rely on him during the birth?

Those things are very important in terms of how well the birth goes and if he has doubts but doesn't know you cheated then this is potentially stressful for you. Do you have another person who could be a birth partner to take the pressure off and allow you to leave the issue of paternity till after the birth for both men?

[Lweji]

Why does he doubt that it's his when he doesn't know that you've slept with someone else?

Probably because he was withdrawing?

Many deluded people think that is effective.

[Bianca123]

Hi mammadiggingdeep,

Thanks.

Yes the one I used withdrawal with is my partner, when I realised I was pregnant I didn't think even for a second that the other guy could be the dad but he's convinced that he is and that's why he wants to do a DNA test. Things were not working out and I even considered a termination, booked an appointment and everything although I don't believe in abortions, my mother and this other guy convinced me to keep it and now I my baby moving n kicking inside me and seen the scans I know I made the right decision. It's such a mess n the stress is affecting my health but I'm trying to forget about it all until the baby is here.

[Offred]

I'm sure it is Bianca :(

It's done now and all you can do is deal with it. You do need I think to maybe have your mum at the birth rather than either man.

[Hermione123]

Sounds to me like you do have a way forward for the DNA testing so put that to one side mentally for now and start planning your life with your dc - agree having your mum there at the birth is a good plan. Regardless of who is the dad, perhaps neither bloke is right for you and some reflection on what you want out of life is a good idea? Good luck op.

[Bianca123]

Hi Loggie,

Yes it was consentual. It was an affair, my partner cheated and the other woman was pregnant but they both say they were just friends and that the baby isn't my partner's, I believe them. But he suspects I did same but fell pregnant in the process just out of revenge. I've asked for a divorce but he won't accept but the marriage is pretty much dead, it's a mess coz we've got 3 other young children together and he's got 3 others by 3 different women from previous relationships.

[Rooners]

It sounds like it would be much better if you could leave this man.

[Rooners]

and even if he does not agree to divorce you, you are still allowed to move out, if that's an option in your situation.

I am really, really sorry for you.

[SnotandBothered]

It sounds like the other man is being reasonably supportive? Does he want to be with you? Do you want to be with him? I see that you have 3 children with your H but in all honesty, I am not sure how you would get back into a healthy situation giving the back story. Does your H want to be with you or stop you being with someone else?

And what makes you so sure that your H's OW's baby isn't his?

In all honesty, in your position, I would tell both men EVERYTHING and then spend some time away from both of them considering what is best for your baby, your existing DC and yourself.

What a mess. I know you have cheated, I know it's wrong, but my heart goes out to you.

[Offred]

I second the idea you'd be better away from them both. You need to focus on the baby and the other dc. Can he look after the dc while you give birth and you have your mum there for support? If she is supportive that is... Or you could think about a doula?

[bisjo]

Gosh, so you have three children with a fourth on the way and your husband has six children with possibly another two on their way? That's a lot of children for him to support emotionally and financially.

I'm impressed at how you both found the time to have affairs with so many children to care for

[Offred]

Please let's not get into berating people for having children now... Especially not a mother of 3 who is already stressed out massively, dealing with a less than ideal relationship and is 8 months pregnant.

[Bianca123]

Hi Offred,

Thanks. Yes she's very supportive and yh I think I'll consider having her at the birth although H wants to be there. The other guy really wants to be his but I hope and pray he's not, the guy is married with 3 children too but he says if it's his then he wants to be part of his life and take responsibility. Known him 2yrs.

[bisjo]

Offred was your message directed at me? I wasn't berating the OP I am genuinely impressed that both the OP and her dh have found time to have affairs. Bringing up 6 children must be really hard to do so finding time to be apart from them all is impressive.

[Lweji]

Can I be the first to say LTB?

Definitely walk away from this mess.

He doesn't have to give you a divorce, you can separate from him.

[Lweji]

And keep condoms in your wallet at all times.