I cheated and now unsure who the father is!

[Bianca123]

Hello everyone, I'm new on mumsnet so please bear with me. Please do not judge me, I had an affair and now I'm unsure on who the father might be.

First date of my last period according to scan was 16th May, I slept with guy A on 31st May & guy B on 2nd June (2 days apart), my cycle is 30days. With guy A we used withdrawal/ pull out method while with guy B, no protection was used. I just need to know what the chances are of either of them being the dad? Please help!!

[GiniCooper]

There's only one way to know.

Get JK on the case...

[nippysweetie82]

It could be either and I know it's difficult but you really should have a DNA test done as soon as possible before your child is at an age to know anything. I've been in a similar situation myself but waited 12 years before getting a dna test. Don't make the same mistake I did, even if you are 99% sure of who the father is there will always be that doubt in the back of your mind.

[Rooners]

Gini, that comment just makes you look unkind. There's no need.

[AuntieStella]

"Perfect" withdrawal offers a good level of protection. But "typical" withdrawal doesn't.

[ByTheSea]

DH's ex cheated and lied about it to DH and DH was on the birth and raised DS1, who is now almost 18. It didn't come out until many years later and consequently DS1 is a very angry, confused and damaged young man feeling like his whole childhood was a lie. Please don't let this happen to your child.

[ByTheSea]

Birth certificate

[ISeeYouShiverWithAntici]

Be honest with them both and when the baby is born, have dna tests.

Morally, it is your only option.

[Thetallesttower]

If the withdrawal was successful (as in he really did withdraw) there's much less chance it is this person, especially as you used no contraception with the other. However, you do need to DNA test when born to check for sure, because although less likely, it is not impossible and it would create a holy mess if that unlikely even happened.

[Offred]

I don't think judging is helpful.

All I can advise is that you be as honest as you can, even if up until now you have lied, and then you have a DNA test when the baby is born.

Both men are as responsible for this situation as you are given none of you used any contraception and I don't think you should take all the blame for the pregnancy just because you are carrying it.

As others have said it will be important for your child to know.

Someone I knew was in this situation with her eldest and although her regular partner knew all along and they tried to cope with it by him raising the child as his own the uncertainty caused tension and arguments and eventually they had the test. Even though the child was not his having the test helped them move on.

[Bianca123]

RandomCitizen,

Thanks for your reply.

Can I just ask, who had you slept with first? The withdrawal guy or the one who turned out to be the dad?

Thanks again.

[Rooners]

Hi Bianca,

tbh I don't think it matters which was first (if I may say so) as it could, technically be either. It's just more likely to have been the guy who you didn't use protection with, I think - in terms of probability.

The most important thing is to stop trying to guess, and try to organise some support from your GP so that they can run a DNA test when the baby is born.

It's important to get it done through the NHS for the sake of potential legal issues later on - they do it as an official thing, and so you can use the information in court or whatever while some of the private companies you can go to directly may not be admissible if there is any sort of dispute later on.

All the best OP.

[whiteblossom]

B.

[NumptyNameChange]

essentially you're all as culpable as each other. two men have had sex with a woman knowing sex can lead to pregnancy and taking no massively effective steps to prevent it.

however you have cheated on someone in the mix and i guess he could reasonably say that he didn't know when he had unprotected sex with you that he was entering such a confusion.

your best bet is to put your chin up, tell them both the situation and make everyone involved a fully aware adult whilst making clear the important part is the child and the future.

if however you sculk about and make this messier than it needs to be you'll have cause to judge and blame yourself later and take on more responsibility (in terms of whose fault the messiness is).

tell them both the reality and take it from there.

sex can equal babies, even with contraception, they both knew that and take their share in dealing with the repurcussions.

obviously you need to learn stuff for the future from this but i'm not going to judge and say you are x or y or should have done x or y. you are at point z. the only thing to judge now in my opinion is how you deal with it from now. tell them both, get everything on the table and give this child the best start you can.

[Rooners]

Actually if it were me, I would not tell both of them till the child was born and I'd had a DNA test using the most likely parent.

That can basically rule out the other one without him ever needing to know. And if it rules out the one you think is the father, then you can let the other chap know.

It might just save a bit of stress that way. If you haven't already told them that is.

[beachside]

Gini has it spot on :)

Can't wait to see this on the Jeremy Kyle show.

[Offred]

That's really nasty beachside.

[beachside]

Offred, sorry?

I didn't say it first. Gini did, I was merely agreeing.

[JainaProudmoore]

There is no way to be 100% sure without a DNA test as it could be either guy.

[paxtecum]

OP: Ignore the judgey people on here.
There is a very old saying 'He who knows his own father is a very wise man'.

I hope all goes well for you all.
Best wishes to you.

[scaevola]

As there's only a month or so until this baby is born, and if you haven't already told both men that they could each be the father, then I agree with rooners that it all comes down now to the simple admin of how you arrange the necessary tests.

It doesn't really matter how paternity turned out for anyone else in similar circumstances. It could be either man. And your child needs to know - for basic medical reasons if nothing else. Please do not hold out the hope that somehow you can ostrich your way through this and deny your DC this basic information.

[perplexedpirate]

'She said it first, Miss!'.

Grow the fuck up, Beachside.

[Lazyjaney]

I'm you are as aware of the probability of paternity as anyone here.

As you didn't use contraception or take any morning after pills OP, were you trying for a baby with one of your partners?

Anyway, statistically about 10% of other MN ers will have done much the same, so you are not alone, and statistically only a tiny handful will tell anyone anything.

[Rooners]

Oh how funny Beachside. You really think that's clever, even though someone else with as little imagination said it first?

what a sad sense of humour.

[Lazyjaney]

To be fair, this is exactly the sort of thing JK was designed for.

And there is no lack of participants or viewers for JK so there is a certain hypocrisy here in slating Beachside....especially as the original comment was left unpunished.

[LiberalLibertine]

It wasn't funny the first time beach do repeating was even less so and a bit crap.

Op are you going to tell them?

Think you know by now we can't tell you who the father is, but I disagree to waiting until the birth to tell them, they will be excited, changing their lives, buying stuff, then it will come out of the blue. Tell them now, so they're in the light as much as you, it's only fair.