I beat my husband today please help me

[Ashamedofviolence]

I have NC

I don't want to be flamed. I know I was wrong.

We had a bad night and a bad morning, both stressed and argued. It got out of hand and I punched him repeatedly. I feel dreadful. He was calm and left the house.

We have huge problems that I can't go into as it will out me, its no excuse I know but we are both under immense pressure, tired and stressed.
I love him and I feel so ashamed. What do I do now? Where do I seek help for this, I don't want it to happen again.

If he had done it to me I'd be terrified and would leave.

How can I ever make things better?

Then you have to sort things out so that you CAN take time out to work. This is what you get benefits for.

Your sister was there for you - of course she was, she's your sister. Nurture that relationship, it could be your lifeline.

DP can't down tools as others have said. If he did he would lose his job eventually. He is NOT a nurse or a carer. And you might not be either, which is why you need to seriously consider paying people for support. (once you get your mn friends to sort out your finances and get advice from professionals)

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/where-to-go-to-get-free-debt-advice

Thank goodness your sister came to help! Hope you parted on reasonable terms :)

Hurrah to you for having good ideas and following through with things!

Baby steps, you are taking them :) Keep it up, smart woman!

CBT would (ideally - some are crap) do more of what this thread's doing with you: recognising mental blocks, and working through or round them. If the childcare's going to be too much hassle, though, maybe put it on hold until you see how your baby steps go with the increased citalopram. It's normally quite good for anxiety.

One way to look at your husband's predicament is: You're basically asking him to change his career, from what he does now to being a carer. He's both told you and demonstrated that he doesn't want this change. I think you have to respect that, and just carry on sorting things out until you've built enough confidence and resources to review the situation. Hopefully, this won't be too very long - you clearly are shit-hot at getting things done, despite all the obstacles!

When you go to bed tonight, give yourself a MASSIVE hi-five for sorting out the doctor, the daycare, and a lift home with your sister! You're a star :)

Actually, today's migraine crisis looks like an argument for losing the car. It wasn't available for use by you & your DC, because it was at DH's workplace. If you didn't have those costs, you could have a healthy transport budget and make an arrangement with a cab firm. Then you could have rung them, and they'd know how to cope.

I agree. Get rid of the car and use the money you save to pay for taxis. Your dh can lift share, take the bus or get a cheap moped.

But then at weekends its very difficult to get anywhere as a family as couldn't get a taxi for all of us. Also, I very loathed to have no car as we had to wait an hour for an ambulance in dec for dd2 so for evenings/ nights and weekends I'd feel a lot less anxious knowing dh could just take dcs to hospital if need be as sometimes there's await for a taxi.

I think maybe we need to get a cheaper car rather than have no car at all.

Why did you wait an hour for an ambulance if dh could have just driven to the hospital?

Dh couldn't drive, he had had a couple of drinks (it was awful as he usually doesn't drink but it was Xmas it was very unlucky) dd had a horrendous hypo and we phoned 999 but they just didn't come.

So having the car made no difference did it.

Ok we are back to you learning to drive then.

It looks like the insurance is way too expensive so look at that again.

See if you can pay off some debts more slowly and put the money towards driving lessons.

The car is really for the care giver and the kids - not for commuting.

I really think this is key to you having more control and independence.

Not on that occasion but there have been many times where dh has taken us to dr or hosp at weekends/ nights and for getting dcs anywhere at weekends its vital. I think just getting a different car would be better, don't know anything about tem but I'm wondering if dh just chose the wrong make/size?

For a family of your size it's a perfectly reasonable car. Practical, not flashy and much cheaper than similar cars. Kia do long term warranties so also a good choice on that front.

That's why I was shocked at the insurance. Another poster got a much cheaper quote (with your basic info) so something still feels "off" here. It may be you live in a high crime area, the car is parked on the street etc but it's worth getting a re-quote and working out what the expense factor is by changing different options.

Yes it is parked on the road (and we live on a council estate, not a terrible area yet not the best) .

The Zafira we had before just about fit everything in but it broke and was expensive to fix then broke again. I will get dh to re check his quote.

Dear OP

Please go to the MSE money saving expert website forum, and find the Debtfree Wannabe board. There are lots of friendly posters there who are experts at helping people budget. They are superb and I am sure can help you figure out some options.

Good luck!

I do keep thinking about how many taxis you could get, though. If you didn't have the insurance or repayments any more, there'd be more than £400 a month in the budget, plus what you already spend on cabs. You could do a local transport deal with a firm like Fleet Cars for quite a bit less than that, I imagine. What you spend on petrol & maintenance, could go towards DH's commute. And you'd have whatever you got for the car, as a backup fund.

Still, if you can knock a grand or more off your insurance - and get your licence - it will give you more flexibility, I guess. (As long as DH isn't still insisting on driving himself to work in the family car!)

And for those of you who know who iam I think its time I insisted that dh gives up work because that's where a lot of the stress and pressure is coming from in that he's not doing all he could to ease the situation.

I don't care what the domestic situation is - it's irrelevant. Have you heard how you sound? If either of my children were trapped in a relationship where their other half thought it was acceptable to dictate giving up work, or they had to endure beatings, I'd be in there with the police, packing their bags and getting them the hell out of there.

Your poor DH. Your poor poor DH. It would be the kindest nicest thing if you were to let him go.

You mention 4 disabled children. I am very sorry about that. Has it occurred to you that you are not coping with this? Your DH is not coping with this either.

Have you ever hit the children?

arguments (oh the irony)

RTFT

I have RTFT. I read every post that the OP made.

What I read was the story of a violent and controlling woman who beats her husband and tries to stop him working.

I feel deeply sorry for the OP's situation. Of course I do. But the story I read on this thread was an abusive story and I feel very sorry for the victim of the abuse. More sorry for the victim of the abuse than the abuser.

Not read all the thread ashamed, but have you got a disabled child/childeren?

Of course I have never hit my children. I would never harm them.

If you have to ask if the OP would harm the children then you have not read the thread.

Not feeding further...

I really wouldn't respond to those posts OP, they sound like very cynical attempts to hurt you.

To reiterate:
Both parents are disabled, OP more so than her H.
They have four severely disabled DC, needing round-the-clock care.
Yes, they did consider the implications. No, they couldn't have known all 4 would have such intense needs.
OP suffers extreme anxiety, but her meds have just been upped do fingers crossed.
She can't drive. She couldn't take a second course of lessons because their car is so expensive. H drives the car to work.
Both families are hostile to their needs. They are carrying a large debt from money H gave to his mother out of family funds.
H helps with the DC, but complains about their needs and tells OP she should be able to cope.
She hit him (she flailed at him) when he told her he wouldn't get up to see to the DC, and it was her fault they had this needy family. He laughed at her.
OP gets 15 minutes respite a week.
H has been on a ten-day holiday, a stag night, and sometimes goes fishing. He also says work is relaxing compared to life with his children.

Draw your own conclusions if you have to judge.

On a positive note,I have had some advice regarding my finances and think things may be workable. Need to go to bank tomorrow to check statements but there are areas I can improve on and hopefully make a difference.

Arguments (lol @ name) & bubbly, I don't think you have read all OP's posts. She changed back to her usual name.

:) Hurrah, Hedge! I like this new you; don't you?