I beat my husband today please help me

[Ashamedofviolence]

I have NC

I don't want to be flamed. I know I was wrong.

We had a bad night and a bad morning, both stressed and argued. It got out of hand and I punched him repeatedly. I feel dreadful. He was calm and left the house.

We have huge problems that I can't go into as it will out me, its no excuse I know but we are both under immense pressure, tired and stressed.
I love him and I feel so ashamed. What do I do now? Where do I seek help for this, I don't want it to happen again.

If he had done it to me I'd be terrified and would leave.

How can I ever make things better?

I would no more suggest a woman have her husband arrested after an incident like this than I would suggest a man have his wife arrested - or rather go and have herself arrested. Irrational advice.

It is not irrational advice and you should stop being so fucking rude.

Op, why don't you share a bedroom ? Don't answer if you don't want to, just wondering if this could change. Not sharing a bedroom must be difficult for you both.

For a lot of reasons, when pg I was v sick and couldn't bear to sleep in same bed as dh, then I was too big and had joint problems and spd. Then I had ds and we were co sleeping so dh slept on the sofa or in ds1 s room as he wakes up a lot in night and needs re settling or changing if has wet the bed.

Then dd got diabetes,frequent night hypos, testing and now her alarm going off means dh usually sleeps in there whilst I go between whoever else wakes up and ds2 wakes a lot in night, cries wants bf and sleeps in the bed. Its not a great situation at all.weve completely lost any sort of relationship I think.

Hedgehog, do you love him?

Yes, I do love him.

Walter mitty - I think your language and aggressive point of view implies your own rudeness. Have a little think and then tell me if calling someone 'fucking rude' for daring to say that your advice is not sound is not a little hysterical and irrational in itself.

Telling you to fuck off would be hyserical, daisy, not saying you are fucking rude. :)

Hedgehog I wish for your own sake that you didn't.

If you didn't, I think you would find it easier to see that he's not doing what you want because he doesn't want to.

I cannot imagine how difficult your life is.

Please consider the steps that people have advised to get you some alone time. I don't think it's anything short of vital. I worry that you are too close to the end of your rope for your own good or the good of your children.

I sincerely wish you well.

You need to do something, anything to reconnect. Could you start off sharing a bed at least, until the dc need you ?

OP I think you made a great post about stoping waiting for your DH and wider family to help.

I think that's progress (even though it's sad) because it's up to you now to take control.

Start with a visit to the GP. Tell them about yesterday's incident and raise the issue if transport and the receptionist. Just sorting out transport will help you a lot. Also press for counselling for you and DH.

Secondly - finances. See if you can ease the burden by paying some debts off at a slower rate. Another poster has given you a link and good advice on this (Horse I think).

Thirdly, childcare. I understand your reluctance, but it's actually quite selfish. If you want what's best for them all it's having a mother who is not at breaking point. You need more respite than you currently get and I don't think doing this at the expense of DH going to work is helpful to the family unit in this long term (though through counselling I would hope he would realise he needs to step up at the weekends).

Finally, you need to carve some time out for you and DH. You sound like care coworkers rather than a couple. Even if it's as simple as watching a movie together on a Friday when the kids have gone to bed with some homemade popcorn. I would also suggest you sort out the sleeping arrangements with everyone in their own beds.

DIY I didn't mean OP is idealising her family, I meant that's it's easy to look at family help through rose-tinted glasses when in fact it often doesn't work out very well anyway - as it didn't for my friend. Her mother was well-intentioned but simply did a bad job and my friend couldn't get her mother to change her ways. My friend got a child minder for her DS in the end because she could be more confidant that the cm would look after her DS as she wanted him to be looked after.

Hedge, you've had quite a rollercoaster weekend in one way and another. I do hope this will result in you deciding to get more childcare in place and get some time to take a break on weekdays. That would be the most sensible way forward for you I'm sure.

I think that was why I wanted family to help as it would mean dh and I could have had time together before it got to this point. As it is now one of us would have to look after dcs we would never have a break together.

Not sure what dh even wants. We really are like care co workers that sums it up perfectly

Do you think he loves you?

I'm really not sure. I think sometimes despite him not doing all he could for dcs that he's just here because he would feel too guilty to leave.

Its hard to tell as we spend no time as a couple, we never talk, never watch tv together, never talk about anything other than dcs. I wish we could spend time together. Things were not always this bad.

well, maybe it's time to ask him!

Seriously, make him say exactly what he wants because, as hard as you think it would be alone, if he's treating you this way; if he's checked out of your life together and if he doesn't even love you you would genuinely be better off without him.

You'd get more benefits and more help...

Taking away all of the problems, the need for help...

What are you getting from your relationship with DH?

I don't even know if it is a relationship anymore. We look after dcs, we talk about dcs that's all. But I do love him and I do wish I could spend time with him.

He doesn't do enough with dcs but its not like he does nothing. I really really wish there was more to our relationship than just looking after dcs. I don't know how to change that though. Even the evenings are difficult, I'm meant to be tidying the kitchen he's bathing dcs then I take ds he puts dd to bed then its endless waking up/alarms/ds cres and won't go in cot. No time to sit down or talk.

I miss him and I'm lonely.

Ok, break it down and start looking forward to the positives you can achieve.

You're going to get your SW to speak to the nursery. This will benefit you AND your dc.

You're SW is looking into benefits that you're entitled to.

Your anxiety is stopping you from looking for parttime work but maybe when you see that your dc are happy in nursery this will help.

I know he can't go until April but April is not that far....

What about dropping into MIL to visit with the children or asking her to drop in to you. Not to "help" but to have someone there for some of the time. Do you get on?

Hedgehog why are times hard for you now?

I can tell you why - because you are paying off £300 a month in debts. And possibly more?

The only way round this is to get support from a debt agency who can help postpone things and sort out your finances.

Don't mess about with your relationship, you are both at the end of your tether and both you and your husband are going to put your own needs on hold for a while. Do stay in seperate rooms, it's sometimes a blessing as you can get a good night's sleep while one of you is on carer duty.

Don't expect help from your family, don't expect help from anyone that you don't pay - it's the way it is when you have disabled children, people generally don't get involved unless you are really lucky with a voluntary organisation. Sad but that's the way it is.

You can rise to this challenge but you need the benefit you get from your children to be sacred and only touched in order to pay for help.

Yes there's more, credit cards and a loan too. I will see what advice I can seek about it. I'd thought that paying the maximum and getting it cleared quick was the best way but maybe I was wrong.

Mil won't help, she is not particularly nice and has been a major source of tension and has caused no end of financial problems. Dh used to ask her to babysit but it was excuse after excuse, she babysits all the time for sil dcs though. Not much I can do about it though its just how she is.

Right well best to write her off.

I agree with speaking to someone to help reduce your outgoings. When dh and I were under huge financial strain a couple of years ago we reduced all our payments.

You could do this and free up money for some respite.

I honestly believe it is vital for the wellbeing of your family. Will you go to the GP tomorrow?

Yes I am going to go.

Apologies if this has written here before (don't think so...)
Hedgehog what are your monthly incomes (from everything incl DH salary), and what are the outgoings... think of everything.
Write it down. You don't have to tell everyone here (unless you want someone to help).
Just a question, you said you are 31, you said you are in a council house. Where did you live before council accommodation? Rent/own?
Let someone help you with your finances. It sounds like there's a good amount coming in, but also a good amount going out too (all necessary - am not doubting that), but maybe some savings could be made (as previously mentioned by someone on your debts).
I believe DH should stay in his job (sorry!). I believe this is his tiny piece of sanity. I think you deserve that too - whether it's by getting a little job (don't knock only a few GCSE's - that's all I had and I earned over £40k as a secretary in London - and that was over 10 years ago - not suggesting this as have children - I wouldn't do now either unless essential). Anything is possible if you want it. But also, your little bit of sanity could be having a few hours at home to re-group, clean the kitchen and do the ironing etc.
Just a thought.

I lived with my mum and sister before I got my house.

Hi Op. I can't remember whether it was on this thread or a previous one but I was shocked that you DH is paying almost £3.5k p.a. on car insurance. I think it would definitely be worth shopping around/haggling for a better deal.

How to get a better deal

I know this is the least of your worries, but just trying to think of any little thing which may help.