I beat my husband today please help me

[Ashamedofviolence]

I have NC

I don't want to be flamed. I know I was wrong.

We had a bad night and a bad morning, both stressed and argued. It got out of hand and I punched him repeatedly. I feel dreadful. He was calm and left the house.

We have huge problems that I can't go into as it will out me, its no excuse I know but we are both under immense pressure, tired and stressed.
I love him and I feel so ashamed. What do I do now? Where do I seek help for this, I don't want it to happen again.

If he had done it to me I'd be terrified and would leave.

How can I ever make things better?

Then get a childminder twice a week. Come on Hedge!! Get this sorted. You can do it.

Childcare=break=coping=sanity=everything feeling that bit better!!

He wouldn't sleep that early.i might ask the sw to approach the pre school for me and see if she can negotiate mornings for ds2, the manager said she has to prioritise families who qualify due to being on the correct benefits but I really really need a morning place for him.

If he went there I actually don't think he would cry, he screams when we leave but if I walked out he wouldn't notice I'd gone. Just a shame they don't take under twos.

Hedge, what you want is to have time off and, at the same time, for your children to be with loving family members who have a vested long term interest in their well being.

Don't we all??

I have no family near by whatsoever. I snatch the odd couple of hours here and there when DH is available, but other than that nothing. So every wed morning, the youngest goes in nursery for a few hours in The morning. She cries, but gets over it very quickly. I gather my thoughts and pick her up rejuvenated.

Needless to say, I would LOVE my DM to have her instead! but my DM died a few years ago and never met my children, so that luxury is not available to me.

I think that you need to see that what you WANT is not available to you. It's tough, but you are not alone in that situation. The vast majority are in a similar position. So you make the best of it.

What about a good childminder? One you feel confidant in and know will care for your DS?

If you can speak to your sw this week that might be the way to go for April but I think you need help now. This week. SW might be able to get ds into a council nursery for 2 mornings more immediately.

Or you could post on mn for a childminder for 2 mornings in nw London?

These are all very easily overcome obstacles Hedge. The main thing is to have a plan and carry it through now. You know you've reached your limits and that you must get a break. Just do what it takes to get that break that is the priority.

It's a great idea to ask the SW to wangle things with the nursery :) She may even have a good solution for the baby as well, try her!

You are right, its just frustrating and upsetting. I think I take it far too personally that neither of our families want to help. Sitting here waiting for them to change and stressing about them not helping is a waste of my time.

I will see if the sw can at least secure a morning place for ds2 in April. Maybe I should go back to five mornings for dd. I don't know.

Well I think I and every other poster does know !!!

DD should definitely go every morning. DS should go at least 2-3 mornings. That is for the good of you all ultimately.

You need to organise and manage to cope with your situation. This is the best way at the moment.

If you have proper regular breaks it will give you the strength to be the best mum you can be the rest of the time. That will be by far the best for your DC. That is common sense.

Hedgehog given your circumstances and recent events I am sure there must be emergency Money in the social services budget to pay for emergency places for your DC in nursery at least temporarily until you get sorted. Get your GP to contact social services as an emergency.
You have got to take action and be pro active your circumstances are NOT sustainable. Go to the GP on Monday and stay for an emergency appointment. Social Services will listen to the GP

Once you have some breathing space you can think more clearly and sort out your long term options.
You have got to act now before things deteriorate further.

I take it far too personally that neither of our families want to help. Sitting here waiting for them to change and stressing about them not helping is a waste of my time. - Very, true, my dear. Well done

bunchoffives is giving excellent advice. Do take it, Hedge. Your DC rely on you being able to cope and you can only do that if you give yourself a break now and again. xx

Hedgehog a lot of men cannot cope with family life where children have a disability. My DS' s father refused to give up work and become the carer for his disabled son despite me earning THREE times his salary. He just did not want to do it and recognised that he could not cope with it. You cannot change your DH, you have to accept that he just cannot do it and put in place the best plan that gives you some respite and keeps the family together. Your children will adapt to nursery and enjoy it and you will be more rested and family life will be less stressful. Sometimes you cannot wave the magic wand and have everything that you want for your family in an ideal situation. You have to deal with what you have got and be realistic and make the changes that will help your family.
You can do it hedgehog, you can make those changes.

I think Lifeisaboxofchocs expressed it very well. We all have idealistic images of how we would like our family life to work but the reality is that we all make do with what we have.

I can't imagine how exhausting and difficult your situation is but you need to stop waiting for the miracle that would be your family changing. It's such a waste of emotional energy. Accept that they are who they are, mentally erase them from the equation and move on to looking for other practical solutions.

Much as we like to think we are indispensable, the hard truth is that our children get used to being in childcare, are perfectly happy there and are not emotionally scarred for life by being there. Your DS will be just fine, as will your DD with five mornings a week. Given what happened between you and your DH, don't you think that they deserve that you make your mental and emotional well-being a priority, instead of martyring yourself to them at your own expense? In the end, you will be a better parent if you look after yourself as well as them.

It almost sounds like you are digging your heels in and refusing to accept any help other than your dh.

It's like you are trying to force him to become more involved. That will never happen. He doesn't want to. He has made that abundantly clear.

^^THIS.

Frankly the more that you push with this, the more that you'll push him away. I saw another thread of yours where you didn't want him to go out on a stag do and your second reason for this was because you get jealous.
You do sound a teensy bit controlling (not that there is anything wrong with that!) but what I'm trying to say is surely you can understand why your DH wants to keep some small measure of independance? It all sounds very suffocating, for both of you.

With the situation that you two are both in you need to work together and COMPROMISE.
I'm pretty sure that you could get a part time job if you wanted, you don't need an abundance of GCSE's to work in a Supermarket!
If it's your depression and anxiety holding you back then talk to your GP and try to get that sorted, however if you don't start to make some serious changes now I can guarentee that your depression won't magically dissappear.

Get help (if you need it) for your depression and anxiety, get a part time job and get some more driving lessons when you feel up to it.

^ That will give you respite, independance and money (which will in turn increase your respite and independance further!)

If this situation carries on as it is, with both you and your DH utterly refusing to compromise further, then it is only a matter of time before your marriage is completely over and he leaves.

It's not too late to work together on this.

It is easy to idealise the help of family too when you're not getting it

My friend's DM fed her DS biscuits, ice cream and sweets in such quantities that was practically all he ate when being looked after by DM. The sweets gave her DS stomach ache and diarrhoea but the DM would not stop feeding her gc rubbish. In the end my friend got a childminder who she could have some control over instead of being told repeatedly by her DM 'it never did you any harm'.

I read the first few pages of this thread. I was pretty shocked by what some people were advising the OP to do. Go to the police? Pack and leave? It was not helpful or realistic and I don't think these people should be allowed to post such 'advice' on this board.
Those posting about speaking to a mental health professional or a GP were trying to be helpful, everyone else was trying to scare the OP and were not taking into consideration her children or what the partner wanted to do.

I really think Mumsnet should act more responsibly and not allow "Go to the police and have yourself arrested" be the advice that a woman clearly in a very bad situation has to listen to. Shame on all of you that wrote that. She needs medical support from a professional not you all on a witch hunt.

Tell that to the next woman who posts and says her husband has beaten her then, daisy won't you?

I agree with Chipping. I think he's very bitter about what he sees as having been pressured into having more children when you both had enough on your plate already, and it's hard to blame him for that to be honest.

You say you had 'long talks' before trying for DC4, and presumably those long talks consisted of you begging, persuading, trying to throw a postive spin on everything, doing your utmost to convince him that you could cope day to day alone, you could afford it, you would accept whatever was thrown out you without complaining, it would all work out fine etc, and not you realise you can't do that and you want more support from him, he's throwing his hands up and saying 'you wanted this, you made your bed etc.'

Sorry, I know it has been mentioned that there have been financial difficulties and there are so many threads going on that 'm struggling to keep up, but if you've been receiving at least 4 lots of DLA and a carer's allowance then you really should have prioritised learning to drive, applying for a Motobility car, and buying in some childcare/respite. That is what that money is given to you for - to ease the day to day burden of disibilty and solve practical/logistical porblems, not for food and general bills, which you would have had to pay with four kids anyway.

I don't know where it's all gone wrong but you both need to take your heads out of the sand, stop being pig-headed with one another, stop battling to make the other 'pay' and start to make a plan to change things. If he is not interested in that, then you know what you must do. And quite honestly I can't see going it alone will be any harder than the mess you find yourself in now.

I don't think hedgehog has idealised her family at all. I think hedgehog is struggling to deal with the realisation that she has had to cut off her family and her husband's family to prevent her being lumbered with MORE work (she was having to care for her sister too and husband was giving away all their money to his family). She has seriously come a LONG way.

Hedgehog, you have done so much and it has taken a log of strength to cut off these people, but you're in a catch 22 situation at the moment. You can't face the thought of more childcare because you're anxious. You're anxious because you're struggling to deal with everything placed on your shoulders. You have had a wake up call. You have been pushed to the limit for so long, that you have gone well beyond most people's breaking point.

Please see what you can do about childcare, and please stop trying to get your DH to stop working. Finances aside, he won't be a help to you. He will drag you down further emotionally as he will be just so resentful.

You need to carve out some time for yourself, and you need to be honest about who will step up to the mark to help you. I know you WANT your DH to step up to the mark, but it's been many, many years, and instead of getting better, he's been getting worse.

I know, its not ideal, all the money coming in goes into one account from which all bills and expenses come out of.

As a consequence of dh giving his family money/buying them things in the past we have big debts. I also have debts from when I first got my house. It was a state and we needed beds for the dcs, carpets, stair gates curtains everything, the community care grant and budgeting loan didn't cover it all so am still paying off some catalogues. We don't waste money or have frivolous treats but we do struggle. Catalogues will be paid off in six months time so that will be 300 a month freed up then.

In one of her recent posts, Hedgehog said that she's confused because so many people were telling her that the only solution was for her DP to leave his job.

She's overwhelmed by the lack of sleep and the pressure on her - this has made her not very able to make decisions, she's constantly firefighting as she has FOUR DISABLED CHILDREN (not shouting but people seem to be forgetting this).

Her DH is a complete red herring. He helps a little at the moment and that's the way it is. No point in forcing him into anything - if he doesn't like it he will leave but he hasn't yet, he too is firefighting as she is. He is working all day and helping in the evening and not getting a lot of sleep either.

These two people are the lifeline for FOUR DISABLED CHILDREN and if anyone can help them that would be great but in the meantime, placing pressure on OP to change her lifestyle is pointless. She needs

MONEY
TIME
CLEANER
TRANSPORT

Feel free to help her but don't waste her very precious time and energy on here because you are taking precious time and energy away from her FOUR DISABLED CHILDREN and she is their LIFELINE.

Hedgehog have you been in touch with this organisation?

www.stepchange.org/#

Would it help to have separate accounts? Can the DLA be paid into one account, so you know that that money in that account is earmarked for paying for things related to their care. And then the other account, with your husband's salary and any other income could be used for instalments of your debt repayments, household bills, etc.

Hedgehog StepChange will write letters for you to put a hold on paying off your debts or enable you to pay them at a really low rate. Their letters seem to hold some authority - it worked for us. If you can wipe the debts off or pay them back bit by bit you might be OK.

Get all the benefit money put into your own account and let DP sort the debts out of his salary (with help from StepChange).

I have DLA going into my account (it's for the dcs) and CA and any tax credits go into the joint account, bills and mortgage come out of there too by direct debit after payday.

I hope that you can sort some childcare and get a break.

Your husband really shouldn't be making the kind of comments that he is making about not having wanted particular dc. I hope he isn't making those comments in front of your older children. I do have some understanding as to how he seems to feel due to my own personal circumstances, but he should be accepting the situation he is in now and accepting his responsibilities. Though it does sound like he may need some help with accepting the situation, and I wonder whether he would be willing to seek that out for himself.