I beat my husband today please help me

[Ashamedofviolence]

I have NC

I don't want to be flamed. I know I was wrong.

We had a bad night and a bad morning, both stressed and argued. It got out of hand and I punched him repeatedly. I feel dreadful. He was calm and left the house.

We have huge problems that I can't go into as it will out me, its no excuse I know but we are both under immense pressure, tired and stressed.
I love him and I feel so ashamed. What do I do now? Where do I seek help for this, I don't want it to happen again.

If he had done it to me I'd be terrified and would leave.

How can I ever make things better?

I'm not sure, he's very clingy and will cry and I don't know if I can handle that, I don't think he's ready and I feel it will replace one problem with another ( me being anxious) it sounds silly but I want tobe honest, I have serious anxiety issues with dcs because of their health and because of losses suffered.

Look Hedge you need to really think about why you hit DH. You need to accept that you have limits to how much you can handle and so does your DH.

Forget spending more time with dd. What you need is a break from them all. Now and regularly.

Now isn't the time to go all guilty and think you need to spend more time with DD. Now is the time to get realistic and organise some time off for yourself before you go under. That is the priority.

If I'm honest and accept I need time off I don't see why dh can't facilitate that rather than me putting dcs in more childcare. He won't give up work but I struggle to see why he can't manage all four dcs at weekends? That was what caused the problem yesterday.

Its a shame family don't help, I'd feel comfortable leaving ds2 with someone familiar, but mil who lives a few mins away won't help, my DM won't help and sil is always working or busy so there's nobody.

Hedge you know how much I care about you. Some of this might be hard to read, but it has to be said (again).

He can't manage all 4 simply because he doesn't want to. That is the awful truth of your situation. He 'helps a bit' - but he's not your mother/friend/carer, he's their Dad, he's supposed to do a lot more than help a bit - he's supposed to be equally invested in their welfare and care about YOU, but he doesn't. He thinks it's 'all your fault & problem' because YOU wanted them :(

I honestly wish you would find out what you would be entitled to if you split from him and seriously consider this as an option - you could probably afford to have someone live-in (au pair), taxis and some other care/help around the house.

He's there because at the moment he hasn't got the balls to leave (probably fears how much he would be judged) but he is making your life so so hard :(

If I'm honest and accept I need time off I don't see why dh can't facilitate that rather than me putting dcs in more childcare

But what difference does it make? You need time off. You have to make that a priority.

Why don't you have a look at other childminders/nurseries/pre-schools and see if you can't find one which you think is 'fab' one where they will work with you, understand your needs & difficulties - maybe then you would feel better about DD going and less upset at the thought of DS going. You need to find someone who you feel happy leaving them with - neither of your families can/will so find someone outside the family who will come to care about them and you. Just because people aren't family, it doesn't mean they can't be caring, trustworthy and enormously helpful x

Its true though, dh was happy with just two dcs I pushed for more, partly due to have had losses and feeling a need to have more, partly because I lived at DM house till dd1 was 7 and ds1 nearly 2. DM was horrible, dh was never allowed in the house and I struggled and was depressed. I wanted to have more in a 'normal' 'real' family situation. Got that a bit wrong didn't I.

In those seven years I was living at home I had to do everything for dd and ds1, dh wasn't allowed in so his life remained unchanged and I don't think he's ever got out of that. Suddenly he was thrown into it and I can tell he doesn't like how much hard work it is.

I don't know how he even feels about me, we never talk or spend time together, we don't even sleep in the same room and haven't since I was 8 weeks pregnant with ds2.

Fairenuff - because she trusts her DH to look after them and it doesn't cause more anxiety for her, thus it's a real 'break' not just more stress - that and he should bloody well be looking after them!! However, he wont - so Hedge needs to find someone she can trust. I so wish I lived closer - though her DH might feel differently.

It almost sounds like you are digging your heels in and refusing to accept any help other than your dh.

It's like you are trying to force him to become more involved. That will never happen. He doesn't want to. He has made that abundantly clear.

I just feel I could have a break and relax more knowing dcs were at home with somebody they know not settling in somewhere and maybe crying because I'd worry

I'd quite happily accept help from family members too, but none of them want to help despite mil living nearby.

You have to find a balance between accepting that your children may cry with strangers but they will be well cared for and will get to know their carers so that they won't be strangers for long AND you refusing childcare and then losing it and punching your husband.

Which is worse?

Hedge - it's all so sad. You wanting more children, a fresh shot at 'being a family, having a baby etc' is understandable. Yes, pushing DH into having more children he didn't really want hasn't worked out very well, but it might have been OK and it is what it is now. He had sex with you - he knew that it could happen, so he made that choice too. Even though you pushed for it, he does not have the right to say 'you deal with them, you wanted them'. Really, he doesn't.

No-one would like how much work it is - you both have health problems, you have 4 children with a variety of issues - it's hard work :( No matter how much you love them - it's hard. He has to either man up or get the balls to leave - he's a shit being half there.

:( he shows you each and every day how he feels about you.

I don't think we would get any help with nursery fees for ds2 though? We don't qualify for a two yr old place. Dds pre school said they'd only have a place in April if we paid but we could only afford one session a week but they said has to be a minimum of two which would stretch us.

He has even said that had he known dd would get diabetes he would never have wanted ds2.

Hedge this is normal for all mums. Everyone feels anxious a bit leaving their precious DC at a nursery the first few times. But they will all settle and start to enjoy it in a few weeks and you get time off.

Really hedge you are in a very stressful situation on little sleep with 4 DC AND then there's the disabilities. You are not a robot but a human being with limits. You need some time off. You will have to put your anxiety aside. Your DC will get used to childcare and enjoy it. It is normal to feel a bit anxious about it. You will get over that in a few weeks.

There must be a way to find the money for two sessions. Getting a break is the single most important thing for you right now. If you have to pay for two sessions, consider it respite and find a way.

Then pay.

A break for you is a priority. How much will it be for 2 sessions a week?

It is about £16 a session. We thought we would qualify for a free place but although we get ctc we do not earn under a certain amount as well. From sep if the child gets dla the place is funded but ds2 is 2 in April.

We also need morning session and the pre school are not even sure if they will have morning available (ds sleeps all afternoon)

Ds2 loves it there too, when I take dd in I have to spend few mins going through blood sugars etc and he plays, he loves it and cries when we have to say bye to dd.

X post Fairenuff

Come on Hedge, you can do this. Get those DC in childcare in the week for a break. Then you can be coping, capable, Mum of the year the rest of the time!!

Seriously, I think you've run out of options. You have to prioritise a break for yourself. And tell the nursery you need it now. This week. Not April. If you are lucky they might be able to do that if you tell them your circumstances.

I know he would be settled there as its familiar but he can't go till 2 they don't take them before then.

You may feel anxious but you will have to trust your DCs to other child care providers eventually. Bite the bullet and do it now. The anxiety will ease with every time.

You can't make your DH be anything he isn't and he isn't a devoted father prepared to share the load.

Look after yourself. He won't help you any more than he already does - look elsewhere for support.

So it's £32 a week. Not a great deal for a break and sanity and possibly the difference between coping and not is it?

And ds loves it already by the sound of it! Of course he'll cry initially when you leave him but that's normal.

Don't reduce DD hours - tell the nursery you made a mistake. And pay for ds for 2 mornings. If they can only offer afternoons swap ds's naps round so he sleeps 10.30-11.30. He'll soon adjust.