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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I beat my husband today please help me

1000 replies

Ashamedofviolence · 11/01/2014 11:41

I have NC

I don't want to be flamed. I know I was wrong.

We had a bad night and a bad morning, both stressed and argued. It got out of hand and I punched him repeatedly. I feel dreadful. He was calm and left the house.

We have huge problems that I can't go into as it will out me, its no excuse I know but we are both under immense pressure, tired and stressed.
I love him and I feel so ashamed. What do I do now? Where do I seek help for this, I don't want it to happen again.

If he had done it to me I'd be terrified and would leave.

How can I ever make things better?

OP posts:
mydoorisalwaysopen · 12/01/2014 07:21

Pretty much what yellowtulips said. OP, I'd get off this thread - it's too political. You want and need help and you have been given advice where to get it. Whether you and your husband can survive this is up to the two of you and it sounds like you two could do with some help in doing that out too.

differentnameforthis · 12/01/2014 08:38

OP should leave her OH and he can look after the kids, no?

How will that work? he doesn't want to help her look after the kids, can't see him doing it alone.

ProfPlumSpeaking · 12/01/2014 10:29

scottishmummy you are wrong about the gender bias. I would never ever condone violence but nor would I tell a man to leave if he was the main carer to 4 disabled DC with absolutely no alternative plan in case for their welfare. Just how on earth would that work? Think about it. OP leaves; 4 disabled DC; the OP's DH clearly couldn't cope with them alone, so they would probably end up in care. Who and how would that help? Furthermore, although the OP describes it as "punching" it transpires that what she did was more like flail her arms in frustration - her DH was so untroubled by it that he felt like laughing. He was not injured. He is free to go any time he likes. He is not trapped. And yet the OP is not minimising it - she is beating herself up over it and going to seek help.

The wider message in this thread is that this is a family on the brink, desperately needing help. I am shocked that we live in a country with a welfare state and yet this OP and her family live as they do. I am all for reducing the welfare state spend on those with no needs eg the rich in CH for historical reasons, in order to divert support to where it is clearly desperately needed. Not many of us could live OP's life with her stresses and with no escape or relief apparent.

OP, I offered before and am serious: if you are in London, I will come and help you.

I also wonder if you need to look at your spending. With DLA x 4, you should be able to afford taxis to the GP/ school. Do you need some budgeting help?

ThePlEWhoLovedMe · 12/01/2014 10:42

Hedgehog Where in NW London are you ? Which Borough ? Barnet, Brent ??

Edenviolet · 12/01/2014 11:04

Harrow

ThePlEWhoLovedMe · 12/01/2014 11:15

If you like I could make a SS referral for you ? Is that something you think you might want ??

scottishmummy · 12/01/2014 11:26

Prof,your changing and paraphrasing op original words to suit your interpretation

As a family unit yes they need urgent help

CaptChaos · 12/01/2014 11:30

scottishmummy I know you talk a lot of shit usually, but you're really going for gold on this thread, aren't you? Even I know what a Xenia is.....

Hedgehog you know your reaction was wrong, your DH isn't going to go to the Police, but you do need to get some help. This was an end of tether thing, and you need to find a way to recharge your batteries. Please get in touch with SS and see what they can offer you as a family.

scottishmummy · 12/01/2014 11:33

I have no issue with op,the situation is clearly v charged and stressful
I have issues with the platitudes,the paraphrasing and oh it was like this actually
Hopefully more support,and a resolution or decrease of immediate factors will relieve the familial stress

Wuxiapian · 12/01/2014 11:49

Of course he doesn't want to give up work - it's his escape - his sanity-saver.

I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through, Hedge.

scottishmummy · 12/01/2014 11:52

Op,you can ask for a review and meeting with sw about you and family situation
You can also call out if hours service,evening,weekend,public holiday.open now
Out of hours you google council social work team number

Fairenuff · 12/01/2014 11:57

It has been suggested more than once OP that you get a part time job so that you also get some respite and earn extra money. Is that not a feasible option?

Edenviolet · 12/01/2014 12:03

No, I would not be able to work at the moment.

Edenviolet · 12/01/2014 12:04

No Thankyou, we already have a sw who I will speak to, I wouldn't want another referral put in as I'd panic about what might happen. I will speak to the one I already have she is very understanding.

Fairenuff · 12/01/2014 12:10

Is there a reason why you couldn't work at the moment OP?

Edenviolet · 12/01/2014 12:17

Many reasons, childcare, my depression and anxiety (and I have quite severe problems in social situations), my own health issues and a lack of qualifications (I didn't attend high school and only got a few gcses)

Fairenuff · 12/01/2014 12:19

Are your children in school OP? Sorry, I don't know your background so having to ask a few questions.

Edenviolet · 12/01/2014 12:22

The two older dcs are but they have a huge amount of time off due to illness and appts. My four year old goes to pre school three mornings a week and the youngest is at home with me all the time.

bunchoffives · 12/01/2014 12:23

Hedge As an immediate bit of respite - the older two go to school don't they?
Does third who is 6 I believe? If so, in the day you just have baby at home?

If that's correct, could you consider getting baby onto bottle for one or two feeds in day and getting him to a nursery one of two mornings a week? For relatively small amount of money you could get at least a few hours, twice a week, a bit of time just to yourself?

Would that be doable?

(PS I hit my ex over the head with a metal teapot once. Not proud. I too was at breaking point.)

Fairenuff · 12/01/2014 12:24

Your four year old should get 5 sessions, are you using all of those?

gamerchick · 12/01/2014 12:27

The only thing you want is your husband by your side 24/7 both dealing with the kids? Is all I can green from your threads. :(

That isn't a solution to your problems and it'll end up with you both splitting up. You need real outside help.. Both practical and financial.

BillyBanter · 12/01/2014 12:31

As I understand it when benefits and support services get cut DV goes up, it seems unlikely that it's because there are suddenly more people with abusive characters, but more likely because there are more people who are already struggling nudged beyond breaking point.

I'm afraid I don't know what to advise but I hope you and your family can find the support you need and can make changes that will help ease the pressure.

Are there any organisations that can offer respite care?

Edenviolet · 12/01/2014 12:32

They are 12,7,4 and1 so for majority of the time the two youngest are at home.

Funnily enough we decided last night to try and wean ds2 as I'm bf him a lot still and he's had a big beaker of soya milk today, its making me too exhausted bf him.

Edenviolet · 12/01/2014 12:34

She was on five sessions but I cut them to three as I take them both to toddler groups now on a Monday and Thursday, dd was crying a lot at pre school and I was never getting her there every day so told them last week we are reducing days. Its nice to spend time with her as she will be at school in sep.

bunchoffives · 12/01/2014 12:36

Well what about getting baby into nursery too for those three mornings? That could make all the difference to your whole family and more importantly give you the break you so desperately need just now.

Could you get that arranged next week?

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