I beat my husband today please help me

[Ashamedofviolence]

I have NC

I don't want to be flamed. I know I was wrong.

We had a bad night and a bad morning, both stressed and argued. It got out of hand and I punched him repeatedly. I feel dreadful. He was calm and left the house.

We have huge problems that I can't go into as it will out me, its no excuse I know but we are both under immense pressure, tired and stressed.
I love him and I feel so ashamed. What do I do now? Where do I seek help for this, I don't want it to happen again.

If he had done it to me I'd be terrified and would leave.

How can I ever make things better?

We both have eds that's why all dcs so badly affected.

I think if the GP contacted social services the decision to put in temporary help in the home could be made by the social worker speaking to their manager to access emergency funding rather than wait for case conferences to happen?

Not sure if that was aimed at me but I didn't say anything was anybody's fault. I was wondering what the dynamics were behind choosing to have a large family.

Morris I don't think OP needs to be analysing whether she should have had children right now.

Ashamed, I am in the process of leaving my EA husband. Even after how he has treated me I would probably reconcile if he showed me that he was truly sorry, that he understood (or was willing to learn) that his behaviour was truly wrong , and got help for himself to address the underlying problems FOR HIMSELF ie not to win me back but because in his heart he knew he needed to change. Maybe your DH would feel the same. Life is complicated. I think you need to face what you've done (which your post indicates you are trying to do) and start developing a plan for how you are going to understand and change your behaviour, whether or not he comes back. You don't want to do this ever again,to your DH, your children, any future partners. There must have been a lot that led up to this - use this horrible event as a wake up call and face your behaviour - all of it.

hedge - you will get different people on different threads, in different sections. You will get different replies depending on the facts and the way they are presented. It's not easy.

I think the thing is that he should accept that giving up work to look after his children, especially when you wouldn't be any worse off financially (and in fact better off) is the best thing for your family.

However, I think given his fucking awful attitude to it (you should be able to cope, you wanted kids & thinking you should be able to do everything without him having to take time off work to do anything etc and his inability to muck in/do what's needed (all the time, not just occasionally when you beg him to help)) him giving up work could be a recipe for disaster and lead to many many more mornings like this morning :(

I know with all of their complex needs life is very very difficult and it's impossible to cope with the children on your own, but can you look into it again and see just how much more money you would get if you did leave him and see just what help you could afford?

Once you have the numbers you could lay the cards on the table and propose to him that you live separately. That doesn't mean your relationship ends but it means more autonomy for yourself. Perhaps you could employ a live in help or something.

I didn't want to say you had, too, Hedgehog, as you didn't mention it in the threads I linked :)

Morris, she ends up having to answer you question on every thread she starts ... They knew the DC would have Ehlers-Danos, but not the many other life-threatening conditions that they do have. Third child didn't develop symptoms until fourth was already born (think I've got that right.) EDS itself isn't life threatening, and it's pot luck whether the connective tissue problems will be severely problematic or reasonably easy to manage. As it turns out, all the DC suffer frequent and painful dislocations plus other serious health conditions.

I wasn't asking her to analyse it. I was trying to work out how reasonable or otherwise her DH was being by refusing to stop working.

Presumably two kids, three kids was a handful. If the op and her DH decided together they both wanted a large family then the DH has to live up to the promises and commitments he made.

But if op persuaded her DH to have more and agreed she'd be the sahp then perhaps he feels unfairly cornered now.

I'm just asking.

I agree with chipping . Surely even a temporary separation would at least give you both a bit of breathing space ?

H has eds as well , so he knows how painful it can get . And he still expects you to do the majority of care and walk the children to school ?

Hes a bit selfish .

Chipping - " can you look into it again and see just how much more money you would get if you did leave him and see just what help you could afford?"

I really think this is worth pursuing, Hedge. I know you feel you love him but, well, the relationship isn't going anywhere good. It MIGHT turn out better to split, sort out your finance & support needs, and have him visiting you regularly. Worth a thought?

If can get some therapy sorted, it would be an excellent opportunity to work out your options.

Morris - It's clear from his actions that he does feel unfairly cornered. Frankly, both parents have every reason to feel that way. Doesn't alter the fact that we have four children here who need constant care, and one parent refusing to do half (he takes holidays without the family, for eg.)

I've only just skimmed most of this thread but the bit that stood out was OP posting Dh says a lot that I wanted dcs so I should be able to cope. He does help but says I need to manage but I can't.

WTF??? Sorry, don't know back story but if your DH is so unsupportive that you lose control of yourself and become violent, then I think you would be better off without him. Then you wouldn't be expecting support that doesn't come and getting violent when you are disappointed.

Also sounds like you might be better off on your own financially re entitlement to fuller benefits and re outside support - social services etc.

Re the original violence - in my (limited) experience, violence often comes after a trigger situation. Whether that is deliberate provocation, or reasonable or not, or whatever, doesn't actually matter in one respect - the violence happened and needs to not happen again, so whatever triggered it needs to be removed. To me, having only skimmed this and not knowing back story, it sounds like DH's behaviour (lack of support) is the trigger. Remove DH - remove trigger. And OP might be better off in several other ways. No-brainer... maybe?

Morris ...they children are here . It is irrelevant how they were born planned ect. Fact is they are the Hs responsibility as much as OPs .

Feeling unfairly cornered or not , I dont think either of them planned for the kids to be as poorly as they are.

Hedgehog has to bear the brunt of this , of anyones got the right to think its unfair , its her .

We thought dd1 would be ok, didn't even know at that point we both had eds.

I thought I'd had growing pains and didn't know the cause of my dislocations and dh had dislocations and a chest problem, was tested for Marian's as a child which was negative and told he had no genetic issues. Dd was three when dx then we were and when having ds1 were given genetic counselling.

Eds has been hard to deal with but its that combined with the other illnesses that has made it impossible. It was pure bad luck that dcs also have other non genetic illnesses.

I don't understand this very well. Clearly I'm no help, other posters are giving lots of support. Good luck OP, hope things get better for your family.

To be fair dh wasn't keen on the idea of a fourth, we had long discussions about it.

Dc4 was 8 months old when dd got very ill

I cant quite get my head around the " you
wanted them " comment .

You should be ashamed of yourself. Violence is never acceptable, my biggest worry is for your children, if u lost your temper at them. You need to seek help for their sakes. Life can be stressful for all, but abuse is not the answer. If it was he who hit you, we'd all be telling you to take the kids and leave him, I hope this is his course of action for the sake of your children and his physical safety.

I think DP is a red herring. Whether he leaves or not will make little difference because he doesn't actually help her (that much). Either way OP needs help because she really ought to be enjoying time with her young children, not fighting her way through it.

Have read the threads now.

OP my position on the violence has not changed. It's not justifiable.

However you are clearly in need of support and in a very difficult situation.

Like others I think your first stop needs to be the GP on Monday.

You need to tell them what happened today and also about the response you got from the receptionist (for the record I think you should be able to use this service).

In the very short term you need to raise Merry hell that you and your family need help NOW and are at crisis point. Endless assessments are not giving the help you need now. It's clear you are physically and mentally exhausted. I suspect your DH is also and hence why he is reluctant to lose his only respite - work. You cannot allow your kids to be brought up

I understand how him giving up work would potentially help you in theory, but if he is resentful of this I don't think you will practically be any way forward.

So in short get to the GP and try to secure immediate assistance for transport and respite. Next step would press for counselling for you and your DH. You need to get your anger under control. He needs to accept you are a team and he can't continue to have his respite at the expense of yours.

Finally if you feel you might lose it again you need to leave.

That may mean him giving up work until the kids are all school age or working with you to get external respite care. Either way he needs to make some of the running here - I think counselling would be a good forum for him to focus on his responsibilities.

Itssmall .... thread has moved on a bit , please read it.

Very different slant once you have all the info .

Hedge PLEASE ignore the nasty posts. Some people really, really just love to kick a dog when it's down :(

Just love the attitude that 'violence' is never acceptable - but it's OK to hurt an emotionally vulnerable, very stressed woman who is barely coping as it is

It says FAR more about them than you - don't let it get to you.
x

Tulips , even if H was able to do even just the morning school run it would make a massive difference to the family situation.

Can he not ask his employers for flexi hours or later start ?

hedgehog to get help with your financial situation to check whether you are receiving everything you are entitled to and to check what your financial situation would be if your partner worked less hours or you separated :
Phone the free phone number for Contact a Family welfare benefits helpline
Open Monday to FRiday 09.30 to 17.00
Tel 0808 808 3555