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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I beat my husband today please help me

1000 replies

Ashamedofviolence · 11/01/2014 11:41

I have NC

I don't want to be flamed. I know I was wrong.

We had a bad night and a bad morning, both stressed and argued. It got out of hand and I punched him repeatedly. I feel dreadful. He was calm and left the house.

We have huge problems that I can't go into as it will out me, its no excuse I know but we are both under immense pressure, tired and stressed.
I love him and I feel so ashamed. What do I do now? Where do I seek help for this, I don't want it to happen again.

If he had done it to me I'd be terrified and would leave.

How can I ever make things better?

OP posts:
horsetowater · 11/01/2014 16:33

Hedgehog my dd is disabled. But she is just one and that was complicated enough. The thing that I found hardest was not the care, but the paperwork. The form filling, the contacting the right services and people, the medical appointments at different hospitals, no medic knowing what the other one is doing and having to tell your child's health history a million times to a million different people.

The bureaucracy involved is a nightmare but it has to be done and you have to take it as seriously as you would a job. You have to schedule everything, give yourself reminders, prepare in advance, and allow twice as much time to get out of the door as you normally would. And don't not turn up for appointments. They HATE that and mark you down as a defective parent for it.

OP you just have to be smart - I know you are. And if you don't want to do the cleaning, pay someone to do it. Put that down as your financial priority.

everlong · 11/01/2014 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

horsetowater · 11/01/2014 16:35

Hedgehog - xpost HB / DLA - DLA is for the children, it never counts as your income and therefore your HB should not be reduced. Carer's allowance may increase your income as that is your income, it's what you get because you can't work. And it's not much.

MorrisZapp · 11/01/2014 16:36

It is normal though for one parent to be sahp and the other to work.

Perhaps your DH feels that you are better placed than him to be the home based carer? I wouldn't want to give up my job either if it could possibly be avoided.

Your DH says 'you wanted kids', is this true? Four kids is a large family, did you always plan to stay at home when DH worked? Was this the basis on which you planned your family?

Sorry to be nosy but just trying to get the dynamics.

Droves · 11/01/2014 16:36

What if hedgehog and H both worked part time ? ?.theyd both get an escape , and both bring in some money ?

Fairenuff · 11/01/2014 16:36

Can someone who knows the OP's situation, please clarify something. Is her dh emotionally abusive or not?

Because this seems to be the reason that posters 'in the know' are saying that she was right to punch him, should have done it earlier, they would have done it too, etc.

But OP is saying that if he gives up work all her problems with the children and mobility will be solved because he will take on his share of their care.

The two statements don't match. An abusive man will not make life easier for his family. He likes them in a situation where they are vulnerable and he can control them.

rpitchfo · 11/01/2014 16:41

im thinking that fairenuff. Nothing that has been raised so far since she outed herself has remotely come close to justify some of the "I hope you didn't hurt your hand when you punched him" type posts.

GarlicReturns · 11/01/2014 16:42

You said you wouldn't mind, Hedgehog, please delete if inappropriate :)

Hedgehog80's thread about H's attitude to 'him' time and details of DCs' conditions. OP gets ONE HOUR 'relaxation' on Saturday mornings, when H takes one of the DC out. In this hour, she does housework. She looks forward to it all week, as it's her only quiet time :(

Yesterday's AIBU thread.

Both threads are quite long. They do fill in the background of what poor OP is contending with. I'm not surprised she's at breaking point with anxiety & frustration - it's not all her H's fault, but the long & the short of it is the DC need continuous, arduous care, and he refuses to shoulder enough of it to give his wife more than 15 mins a week break. He tells her it's her own fault, as she wanted kids Angry

Hope most of Hedgehog's critics have now read enough to get an idea of the bigger picture, and to stop laying into her.

WaitMonkey · 11/01/2014 16:45

Can anyone link to yesterday's thread please ? I think I read it, but would like to clarify, thanks.

GarlicReturns · 11/01/2014 16:48

Fairenuff, the two statements don't match, because they were both made by an exhausted, anxious woman who is trapped in her situation with a financially irresponsible, resentful husband. In her circumstances, she's not the best placed to evaluate them objectively!

starlight1234 · 11/01/2014 16:50

To be fair this thread is another drip drip feed.....It is not unusual for people who are a victim of Domestic abuse to end up with convictions themselves for this very reason...

I really can't keep up with this thread but if you are in an abusive relationship you need to simply hope he stays away...You need to put in support for yourself and your children...

Edenviolet · 11/01/2014 16:52

We are not a 'real' couple anyway. We seem to just work alongside each other caring for dcs at night time, stumbling around exhausted. Dh goes to work and I look after dcs and the same again.
Weekends are just spent dealing with whatever care dcs need and trying to do the housework.

We never actually talk about anything other than dcs, their medicines, their food, injections, what appts are the next week. That is all their is to our relationship. I am so sad I want to cry I love my dcs but I have in reality lost my husband because they are so ill and we can't cope with it.

GarlicReturns · 11/01/2014 16:52

He's back, starlight. She can't get the support. Family are selfish twats (both sides), Home Start closed, SS needing endless conferences before offering any respite at all, no funds left for more driving lessons ... it goes on.

horsetowater · 11/01/2014 16:52

Ah. It's all her fault because she wanted kids?

There is a lot of evidence that when men have disabled children they feel a failure, they feel less virile or whatever and they feel less manly if they have to help out at home. It's all bullshit but it is the way things are in manworld.

If we can break this myth a little in this man's tiny mind and show him that he has duty to look after his children whether or not they come up to his macho standards we might get somewhere. i suggest OP that you push him in the direction of the family rights people to get them to explain how things should be working for him. Perhaps the process of doing this will help him to understand the gravity of the situation and hiding behind macho idealism won't get him anywhere.

Edenviolet · 11/01/2014 16:53

There

GarlicReturns · 11/01/2014 16:54

And he's got EDS! Doesn't explain all the other issues, afaik, but what a fucking prat for even thinking it's "her fault".

Fairenuff · 11/01/2014 16:56

Fairenuff, the two statements don't match, because they were both made by an exhausted, anxious woman who is trapped in her situation with a financially irresponsible, resentful husband. In her circumstances, she's not the best placed to evaluate them objectively!

That's why I addressed my question to posters 'in the know' Garlic, not the OP.

So, is he abusive or not?

horsetowater · 11/01/2014 16:56

What's EDS - emotional drain syndrome?

LucyLasticBand · 11/01/2014 16:57

ehlos danlos?

LucyLasticBand · 11/01/2014 16:57

hypermobility?

zebrafinch · 11/01/2014 16:57

Hedgehog it sounds as if you are at crisis point.
You need help in the home for a while until things are sorted out. This situation cannot go on.
Go to your GP and tell him/ her that you are und a lot of stress and reaching breaking point and need help from social services. The disabled childrens team may be able to send in a child support worker into the house on a temporary basis to help you care for the children, get a break for yourself and attend hospital appointments. You have far too much on your plate and you need some breathing space.

LucyLasticBand · 11/01/2014 16:57

erhlos danlos syndrome,

am probably completely wrong though.

rpitchfo · 11/01/2014 16:58

so we have a father with 4 disabled children who is also very obviously struggling to cope...perhaps ALSO needs support....and then gets demonised for getting beat up by his wife.

im out.

GarlicReturns · 11/01/2014 16:59

Oh, love :(

Do, please, go to your GP on Monday and tell them everything. Even better if you cry, iykwim. It may be that your meds are affecting your temper, and it's almost certain they're fogging your brain a bit. A meds review and some counselling (could you get childcare during sessions?) would, I'm sure, help you to figure things out in your mind.

You're trying to carry it all. Nobody can do that non-stop, for ever ...

WaitMonkey · 11/01/2014 17:00

I think the poster who suggested you look for a job, and then your dh leaves his, is a good idea. You'd still have one parent at home and one earning, but he would be around for the transport. Would that work ? I don't think you'd find both of you at home any less stressful, and your dh would also find it difficult.

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