I beat my husband today please help me

[Ashamedofviolence]

I have NC

I don't want to be flamed. I know I was wrong.

We had a bad night and a bad morning, both stressed and argued. It got out of hand and I punched him repeatedly. I feel dreadful. He was calm and left the house.

We have huge problems that I can't go into as it will out me, its no excuse I know but we are both under immense pressure, tired and stressed.
I love him and I feel so ashamed. What do I do now? Where do I seek help for this, I don't want it to happen again.

If he had done it to me I'd be terrified and would leave.

How can I ever make things better?

m.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-abused-men

And www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/help-for-abusive-women.php

Another for ashamed . www.thehotline.org/

I can't understand why on earth so many posters are telling the op to take herself to the police. What would that achieve? Of course there is a risk her children would be taken from her. That is the tragic thing not that a couple had a row that got out of hand

A professional can approach her husband and check he is ok,the op can also take ownership of her crime do the right thing and be honest about it. This will enable her to access support and behaviour changing work via the probation services or social services (this s the easiest route to getting that support,decent DVD perp work is usually court ordered or ss arranged).

Should he decide (quite rightly) to pursue this and they do part company her acceptance of wrong doing and willingness to address her behaviour will go a long way towards helping should he decide to make her leave and him stay with the children.

Domestic violence by either partner is abuse. There should be no excuse because it is in a marital situation. If a slim slight man punched repeatedly a much heavier man that would be fine because the bigger man could defend himself???? Utter rubbish.

The last link I posted , helps people on both sides of dv .

They also have a help feature .

Everyone should look & donate to the charity .

ashamedofviolence - I'm pretty sure you are who I think you are and if so I agree with 'LIR' and 'Dame'. Frankly, it's a wonder you haven't lashed out before & done much worse. I know you feel you can't cope without him and I understand why, sadly you are probably right :( I feel for you, I really do. I wish there was a way of you coping without him and/or making him help more. Hitting him wont resolve your issues, but honestly, I'd just move past it and resolve not to do it again. He needs to accept he needs to up his game with the DC & you.

It is hard for people here to give you good advice because you don't want to tell them the whole story.

Going to the police etc isn't going to help you, not one tiny bit and help is what you need, not punishment for lashing out a man who will not physically be hurt by your actions and should be doing a lot more for his children and his wife than he is.

As I said, I don't expect people who don't know the whole situation to understand my post at all - it sounds like I think anyone who 'doesn't pull their weight deserves being hit' and that's not it at all, but I can't explain anymore without outing the OP and I wont do that.

Why is it a bad thing of her children are taken away from her?? There's a good chance she'll start on them next.

Or is that just when a MAN is violent?

*if, not of.

This is an abusive relationship. It's tragic. Please break the cycle for your children's sake.

Exactly Calamity, a male poster saying he had attacked his wife would be given a very different response, even if there were no serious physical injuries. He would be presumed to be a danger to his kids and told to leave the family home. Whereas a woman gets told to have a relaxing day and speak to their GP!

I understand what you are saying but no, we are not judging by tht at all - I am advising because someone has asked for help, because I have, in the past been in a similar position and have come through it. There is a difference, if my DP lamped me one, he would knock me out - if i lamped him one, he might think a fly had landed on him - so the difference is in the level of danger, i think that is a separate issue from tht of how "wrong" the op's behaviour is. What she did was wrong - I hope she manages to get help. FWIW i would advise the exact same to a man who posted the OP - I would tell him he needs to protect his family and himself from his temper, if that meant taking himself off and getting help then so be it. I would say exactly the same to the OP if she felt she was unable to prevent it happening again.

I am trying to see both sides of things, there is always two sides, if doing that makes me an "apologist" (what a wanky fucking word that is) then fine.

I wont be posting more in this thread now, i have offered my advice and support to the OP - Arguing the toss is not helping her and it not helping my state of mind either, so im off

Op, why not get this thread moved to otbt or somewhere? So that those who know you can continue to counsel you and everyone else doesn't waste their time and energy?

It sounds from what some people have said that the OPs husband is abusive to her. Again doesnt justify her attacking him but FFS are people really so black and white about the terrible relationships some people feel trapped in and how they may react to that by doing the wrong thing?

There is documented evidence of non abusive, in general, women resorting to physical aggression after sustained emotional/physical/sexual abuse by a partner.

And I am sure there is evidence of non abusive, in general, men doing the same after years of emotional and physical abuse too, only I bet no-one has bothered to document that.

I understand how decent people can occasionally act out of character and do something terrible. Once. And be full of remorse and take step sto deal with the cause and to make sure it is never repeated.

I understand that generally speaking, a large male could do more damage with a punch than a small female. But the day I see any male get the same amount of empathy and tolerance on MN when he 'snaps' under undue stress, irrespective of what kind of spiteful. nit-picking, condescending, unsupportive or over-critical witch his wife may be, then I'll change my stance. Apparently there can be no mitigation.

I want to feel compassion for the OP, but MN has taught me what I should feel about DV or just 'abuse' full stop, in all its guises and interpretations, and now I've seen the light it would be wrong to be a hypocrite. Wouldn't it?

LEM the harm caused by the assault matters not a jot to be fair

Hello OP
You must be in a bad emotional state now. Poor you.
What is the current situation? I would suggest you have a chat with him and sincerely apologise. Go on your knees if possible.
You have owned your actions and accepted responsibility which is good. If this has not happened before you can talk it out and make things work again.
Good luck with it and big hugsxx

Actually I think I do know the back story here and have been on op's threads supporting her because I'm in a similar situation, and it sounds like she is in an awful place

But I still think that is absolutely no excuse

I don't think anyone beating up their partner is acceptable in any way shape or form and the abuser must seek help so it doesn't happen again.

What worries me in this case, is that the OP has asked for help in the past. She isn't getting any sleep, has a young baby and she and her DH are both highly stressed. If she goes to the police, as some are suggesting, will she get that help? I very much doubt it.

OP you NEED to go to your dr, you need help so that you don't repeat this behaviour.

What happens in your relationship is at the moment secondary to you sorting yourself out.
For whats it's worth I think your DH should leave, for the moment and I think you need much more support with your children. He or someone else must help you and you need to put that in place today.

If you don't go and seek medical help then I really think this will happen again.

OP neither you or your partner can forget this and sweep it under the carpet.

I don't know your backstory, but I would assume there are some significant issues within your relationship that have cumulated to in this situation.

I don't agree that a relationship that has experienced a single episode of DV is irreparable. However it won't be a one off serious incident if you both don't get help.

If you want to continue as a family this needs to be a catalyst for change. You both need to seek counselling and support.

Equally you need some boundaries right now. You can't EVER let yourself lose it like this again.

Tantrums, I only referred to size of abuser in my analogy - I did not ask the OP how large her husband was. To me that isn't relevant - it is only an example I gave that would indicate that size could have an impact on the injury sustained and the power balance already there.

I asked the OP is he was hurt. I think this is relevant.

Someone also suggested that people might be saying the greater injury caused by a large person would be considered more valid for prosecution etc than that caused by a smaller/weaker abuser.

I'm not suggesting that. I would say that certainly a black eye caused by a woman/small man/someone whatever size, is as valid as the stated two black eyes and broken nose.

Of course it is.

Only if NO injury was sustained, I would not think that a particularly effective attack.

But if the relationship is so bad and this isn't due to a one off angry outburst that's even more damaging in my opinion to all involved especially the children caught in this long term cycle of emotional abuse

Frankly, it's a wonder you haven't lashed out before & done much worse.

Fucking hell. Or she could have just, you know, left him?

So how long has this been going on then? Years? And don't tell me, she has a new baby.

'There is a difference, if my DP lamped me one, he would knock me out - if i lamped him one, he might think a fly had landed on him'

This is what I am trying to say. We do not know how harmful the OP's attack was. Without that info we don't know whether the police, for example, would even be interested.

having skimmed this i am so pleased he has come back.

you had an argument for a reason OP. you need help and you asked for help.

is there anywhere you can get over the problems you have been having. your punching him was as a result of the problems and this is the catalyst that something needs sorting.

Rooners (and others) even just SPITTING at somebody is an assault. I wouldn't underestimate the impact of that if a partner did it regardless of the lack of physical injury sustained.