I beat my husband today please help me

[Ashamedofviolence]

I have NC

I don't want to be flamed. I know I was wrong.

We had a bad night and a bad morning, both stressed and argued. It got out of hand and I punched him repeatedly. I feel dreadful. He was calm and left the house.

We have huge problems that I can't go into as it will out me, its no excuse I know but we are both under immense pressure, tired and stressed.
I love him and I feel so ashamed. What do I do now? Where do I seek help for this, I don't want it to happen again.

If he had done it to me I'd be terrified and would leave.

How can I ever make things better?

What a mess.

In what way has the advice on Mumsnet been helpful to the op then?

Perhaps you should all stop enabling her.

'There's going to be a much bigger size difference there, so to me it really doesn't matter.

DV is DV no matter who is on the end of it'

Well I wonder.

I would not think it terribly awful to lash out at someone far larger than me, if I felt it wouldn't not injure them at all, and if I felt they could contain my anger - well, I say this, having never done that - but if it was my children or someone smaller and more vulnerable, I think I would perhaps manage to restrain myself a bit better.

Because I'd know that my actions would potentially cause more damage to them.

Like, I can happily throw an old milk bottle at a wall in frustration if I know no one will be hurt and nothing of value will be damaged. (and no one will see me do it or get frightened)

But throwing it at a person, or breaking a window or something - well some part of my brain would stop me doing that because I'd be aware of the potential impact.

Rooners if you repeatedly punched someone whilst having the presence of mind to think all that through, you wouldn't have snapped and lost your temper.

You would just be a violent bully.

Enabling or supporting?

Dear god. Yes hitting attacking injuring or even being verbally abusive is very wrong and very damaging to all parties, especially kids. I have worked with many victims of dv and know exactly how damaging it is. The op is desperate for help and feels awful and knows the seriousness of what she's done but is getting a kicking for asking for help on a bloody support network.
And ftr those saying because its a woman who's the abuser it's being minimised and what would we say if the op was male? Well I'd say the same, and try not to be too judgemental. I've for so long thought there should be help for abusers, male or not which has been an unpopular view amongst many of my colleagues. But why should it be? The reasons for abusing are complex and vast, the very people berating the op would be the type to be understanding of the complex reasons of the killers of James Bulger and ranting about not wanting to join the hang them high brigade. Quite rightly so too. Abusers by their nature have very serious problems, which if not helped may just affect other relationships, other children and society as a whole. Help is exactly what abusers need. I'm not saying they deserve sympathy for abusing somebody and minimising what the victims go through but not helping them isn't going to make the problem go away.
Sorry for the waffle but I'm of the opinion both the victim and the abuser need help and support and I'm glad this is now being acknowledged in cases of domestic violence, they are starting to look at programmes of help for perpetrators too at last

Supporting is enabling, especially in circumstances like this.

I find DV threads really emotionally draining even after all this time.

I always try to post on them though in case something, just some small thing helps in some way or opens someone's eyes to what they can't or won't see.

There's obviously too much going on with this poster for any of us bar the people who know her to properly advise so this whole thing is completely pointless.

It has revealed some really disturbing attitudes toward male victims of DV though. That's just so depressing.

I'm out.

I hope this gets resolved one way or the other. And, OP, as I said way upthread; regardless of circumstances a relationship that descends into violence is not salvageable.

Question :

Whats worse ? Long term emotional abuse or a one off dv incident ?

Women can have untreated pnd for years.

OP is human , we All make mistakes , sometimes big ones , but most dont repeat them.

I can see why you NC but to be honest it sounds like you and your situation are known on here and I think you will get more help if you are more open.

What you did was wrong. You know that now. Make sure it never happens again.

I'm not sure what you're arguing Worra. I haven't said anything about snapping or losing ones temper?

I hate this. I really do.

Never ever ever on a DV thread have I seen anyone question the strength and size of an abuser.

No one has ever asked "but are you bigger than him? Stronger than him? Did you somehow provoke the violence?" When a woman is asking for help.

But now? Well it's a man being punched. Apparently that's a different situation.

It's quite sickening tbh.

If a woman posted on here that she was tired and stressed and her husband asked to help and she said no, and he then slapped her the response would be so different.

But anyway OP, you seem to have enough people on here who know your story and think you are better off without your DH. So that's alright then, if he is a useless DH you can use him as a punchbag while you decide whether to leave him or not, eh?

I don't know who you are, OP. I don't excuse violence. But I know how it happens (all the ways it happens.)

The one thing that stands out for me is this: he was calm & didn't hit back. That is very odd. Did he not restrain you? Is he injured or disabled? Did he just take it?

Either he's an extraordinarily passive individual - which doesn't tie in with his comments about you & the DC - or this was a calculated effort to make you lose your cool in an absolutely demonstrable way. It's a pity you did ... it's not actually healthy to physically lash out, and you will need to explore why you did so. But perhaps not this very minute.

On the bare facts, I'm in agreement with those who recommend reporting yourself. But I'd like to know exactly how 'calm' he was while you thumped him.

Either way, my love, I'd say this marriage is over.

Droves to answer your question, neither is worse.

Both can be equally as damaging and sometimes life threatening.

Yes women can have untreated PND for years and men can have other untreated depression for years.

Not really sure of your point here?

You're not the only one posting her who has experience of it, bogey so you don't get a medal for that one. Why so bitchy?!

You said I didnt know what I was talking about, I said I do. What is your issue?!

"A relationship that descends into violence is not salvageable"

I could not agree more with that.

Sorry, when was the OP diagnosed with PND?

Was that 10 minutes ago on the Internet?

And FFS, people make mistakes, but they don't repeat them if they feel bad? Is that for real?

Tell that to the next woman who says her husband punched her, but he was really sorry afterwards and promised not to do it again.

Rooners, the OP snapped and lost her temper...that's the whole point of her thread.

Tantrums. Apparently this poster has a long history on here and some Mumsnetters know her story, so its different. Try not to get upset.

There is documented evidence of non abusive, in general, women resorting to physical aggression after sustained emotional/physical/sexual abuse by a partner. I'm not assuming this is the case here, but I do wonder. I would never condone or excuse violence, and I believe this incident MUST signify the end if the relationship for all their sakes, but I wonder what the responses would have been if the OP's back story was known.
Domestic abuse is very much gendered, and as we all know there are different types of abuse. OP has carried out an act of physical abuse and the only sane course of action is for them to separate and for her to seek counselling. But I wonder what the context is.

Worra , ok . Its all subjective ... how long eh goes on ..what level of dv and the size strength of those involved .

Either way not good . But someone whos tiny slapping her dh in a one off incident, which results in no damage, cannot be compared as equal to a 6foot five bodybuilder who breaks his dps ribs.

OP is human , we All make mistakes , sometimes big ones , but most dont repeat them.

I genuinely hope you're never in a position where either your DD or someone some close to you, comes to you and says their DH has punched them repeatedly

What would your advice be?

"Go home love and next time help him when he asks you to. So he beat the shit out of you? Not to worry, most people don't repeat these mistakes"???

worra I HAVE been the victim of repeated DV in front of my kids as well and I still maintain my stance on this thread.

Some of you talk as though perpetrators of DV don't deserve help. Why is this? It's not to do with being deserving of help, it's a case of them needing support. It's not the case that once someone gets to the point of physically abusing someone they can go without help. It's vital they get it

Either way not good . But someone whos tiny slapping her dh in a one off incident, which results in no damage, cannot be compared as equal to a 6foot five bodybuilder who breaks his dps ribs.

But there is no point, no use and no good in making these comparisons.

All they do is serve to excuse a loss of control and temper...and that's not good for anyone.

They'll still need help to reign it in.