Repercussions of an affair

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I threw my husband out in August after I found texts professing undying love to a work colleague..Whilst he'd left me with the children claiming to be "working" or out with the lads he'd been waltzing around having a lovely time with her. The hardest to swallow was that a "stag do" he was attending was actually a wedding. Found it ironic that a man commiting adultery would find it acceptable to watch somebody else exchanging vows a few days before his own anniversary.

Anyway there has been lots of weeping, wailing, I can't live with out you going on ever since but his relationship with the other woman has continued. She's planning marriage and he's living with her family like a long lost son. He's finally going to tell her it's over but I've now found out that he introduced her to his mother. So while he was pleading with me to take him back he was drinking tea and cake with her at his mum's house. For me this feels like the ultimate betrayal. His mum has spent 30 years talking about the evil woman that "lured her husband" away leaving her with a young son but is happy to welcome the woman who destroyed her grandchildren's home round for a cosy chat. I'm not sure if this is a step too far. I was all ready to forgive and try to rebuild my family but feel REALLY betrayed by this..Am I overreacting??

Oh and all the stuff he is saying to you now, it is manipulation, he doesnt want you, if he did, he wouldnt be with her..but..he does not want you to move on and rebuild your life, so he constantly dangles the carrot of possible reconciliation in your face, take control and kick him to the kerb

< waves at ML >

I know with every logical bone in my body that he doesn't love me. How could he if he's behaving in such an odd way. What I can't work out is why he carries on with crying and suicide threats and talk of true love and love of his life etc etc if he doesn't mean it..What is the point..Why do they behave like this. My other big fear is that even if a pathetic man like him doesn't love me then who will? One of my friends is desperate to let the OW know how he's behaving..i've said no. I don't want to be vindictive but should she be told or is that unfair to her?

You DEFINITELY did the right thing.

It is time MN wrote a book on the Affair Script but only if all profits go to WA or some similar organisation. I am not sure what the affair equivalent is.

Pathetic men only love themselves. You wouldn't want him to love you once you realise you are out of this mess he has made.

He is doing it to manipulate you, do not let him

Your self esteem will be in your socks, but do not tell yourself that no one will love you, your H has lost you, not the other way round, it has taken me three years to recover from the breakdown of my marraige due to an affair, but one thing I learned is that I would rather be on my own than with the pathetic specimen my H became, you are worth better than that.

Yes someone else will love you, but only when you have recovered, built yourself back up, love YOURSELF..and are ready for now, take each day as it comes, concentrate on your DC's you and them are all that counts
TBH, I dount the OW would believe what you told her anyway, I actually confronted the OW and told her how he had been bouncing back between us, she still took him back, let her find out the hard way

*doubt

Drama Llama.

How he is behaving is about who he is and not who you are.

So don't think if he can't love you then no one decent will. That's not how it works.

What will surprise you is how many people crawl out of woodwork to tell you how much they hated him. You might find your circle increasing rather than decreasing.

All that energy you put into keeping him going you can redirect into yourself.

Sauce, You're right that's already happened..He has no friends..Everyone that was friends with both of us wants nothing to do with him and he seems to have lost touch with long term friends. He's only really had his mother to confide in. I'd not noticed before how he didn't really have anyone of his own. It's a bit strange really. I almost feel sorry for him. I have lifelong friends to confide in and he seems to have mislaid his. Wish there was some way of stopping feeling anything for him. I still love him. That's pathetic isn't it

It's not pathetic but it's a credit to you. He's the father of your DCs.

I kept saying what I knew and what I felt were like the speed of light and speed of sound. I knew logical I should not love ExP any more but I still did - emotions lagged behind my logic. But my emotions did eventually catch up with what was going on!

It sounds a bit woo - but this is his journey and his path. You can't be his security blanket, his friend maker and his problem solver. He needs to stand on his own two feet!

He's betrayed you. That takes guile, cunning, confidence, arrogance, resourcefulness. Therefore he's got those skills and can absolutely survive life. He just needs to use his assets for good and not to be a twat.

It's not your job to sort him out. Look at how he treats you when you do.

Sorry, my Drama Llama comment was for him, not you, OP. Hope that was clear!

Loving him is something that you have done for a long time. I'm not surprised you can't just turn it off, just like that, no matter what a twunt he is. Don't beat yourself up but at the same time keep your eyes wide open, as you are doing so well!

onmyown I am in a similar situation to you. Ex had an affair, walked out, refused to discuss anything with me until I met someone else and now he's following the script as outlined.

I know he doesn't want me but it's all about control. A friend of mine said that in his mind he had put me on a shelf like a disused toy and fully expected me to wait there until he wanted to get me down again for a little play until he got bored and put me back on the shelf. Don't let him do that to you as you will be kept dangling for years and never be able to move on.

One of my friends is desperate to let the OW know how he's behaving..I've said no. I don't want to be vindictive but should she be told or is that unfair to her? Re this. Just don't tell her anything. I made the mistake of doing so and it backfired massively. He managed to sweet talk her round and made out I was mad and unhinged. It reinforced in her mind that they were 'a team' and it was him and her against the world.

I do firmly believe she's got the booby prize. He will never be faithful to anyone not even her for whom he broke up his family.

You're all so brilliant with your words of wisdom. I have to see him every day. He has the kids while I work and can't afford to pay anybody else to do it. Unbelievable exchange has just taken place. Could not get him to go. "I hate leaving you. This feels so right. I love you so much. I don't want to be with her." he then says his ow wants to go away for their weekend on Thursday night so he is going to ask his mum to come and have kids. Have told him no. I never want her in my house again. I hate her for being so disloyal. She can see the kids but not in my home. If he wants to go away he can pay Childcare. Am I being unfair? This is awful. He's so so odd. How can you love your wife so desperately you "can't go on" and in the next breathe organise weekend away with ow!

He is horrendous - he's still sniffing around you and still jaunting off with her? I loathe him for you!

How does he have the money to go away? You're the main bread winner right? I'm sorry I have to say it again, he is such a twat.

Yes he can pay for child care. Would you be comfortable with the kids going to mils instead?

The mil won't have all 4 in her house. I work till 8 so he picks them up and has them till I get home. Then he usually cries for a bit about how terrible his life is now. You're right thisisaghostly, he has no money. His girlfriend is paying. She'd better get used to that! How the he'll did my life end up like this. I look at my wedding photos and pictures of newborn babies. So full of hope. Feel as if I've strayed on to set of Jeremy Kyle show. Feeling very, very low. It helps so much hearing from you if you've dealt with similar idiots

What were the arrangements over Xmas, out of interest: did he spend xmas day with you and the dc or with his girlfriend? At his mothers?

Fire, Christmas was another lie. He begged to stay Christmas Eve and on Christmas morning. Promised he was ending it with her. I then discover he had Christmas dinner with her family despite him lying and saying he was on his own all day. I felt so sorry for him cooked Christmas dinner for him Boxing day. I know. I have been utterly pathetic. I just wanted my family back. This has hurt so much. Wish he had just buggered off in August. Feline you're so right. He doesn't want anyone else to have his toys. This hurts so much.

I don't think I can cope with this any more. Is this normal. I was doing so well. Now feel utterly, utterly terrible. How did I end up like this. Husband was always telling me I was "too nice." I'm a gullible fool. I've been walked all over.

There's no crime in trusting someone. He wasn't worthy of it but that does not mean you are at fault.

My ExP pulled wool over my eyes for 2 years. And with hind sight it was SO obvious. We've all been there.

Fuck them. I would not wish this experience on anyone. It's so painful. But I would also not be without the life changing lessons it taught me. I am a changed person. Tougher, harder, wiser, more empathetic. I can spot an affair from 50 paces!

I gained enormously by talking through my anxiety and fears with someone.

You will get through this stage and be emboldened and strengthened.

Remember to rest and to eat. Sleep well.

Grr. He makes me so cross for you!!! How dare he say he wants you back, but is going away with OW!

I know how hard it is , it is heartbreaking and devastating, but please hold on to the fact that he is playing you off against her and will continue to do so until you are strong enough to say ENOUGH.

Look after yourself in all of this. Please don't take any more crap from him.

If he is in any way serious, he will be cutting off OW and begging forgiveness, doing anything that you want in order to put things right and I dont see him doing that.

Hey OP don't beat yourself up, please. Of course it's normal to feel let down and low, you're going through so many things at the moment; betrayal, loss of a partner, loss of a relationship - you're effectively grieving for someone/something that doesn't exist anymore whilst having to deal with the disappointment of what someone you loved and trusted has become.

All this while working and being there for four children...

I think you're doing brilliantly. Tbh if you weren't feeling like this it would prob be a little odd.

There are many wiser posters with practical advice here but please please please don't think this is about a failing on your part. Listen to your friends and the people here. He is the one who has failed, you are the one who has been strong.

Gullible? No. A fool? No.

I get the impression that you're a laid back, relaxed, easy-going person.

I'm also getting the impression that your husband is a manipulative, selfish, nasty prick.

I'd much rather be you.

Just ride it out, love

This will pass. x