Repercussions of an affair

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I threw my husband out in August after I found texts professing undying love to a work colleague..Whilst he'd left me with the children claiming to be "working" or out with the lads he'd been waltzing around having a lovely time with her. The hardest to swallow was that a "stag do" he was attending was actually a wedding. Found it ironic that a man commiting adultery would find it acceptable to watch somebody else exchanging vows a few days before his own anniversary.

Anyway there has been lots of weeping, wailing, I can't live with out you going on ever since but his relationship with the other woman has continued. She's planning marriage and he's living with her family like a long lost son. He's finally going to tell her it's over but I've now found out that he introduced her to his mother. So while he was pleading with me to take him back he was drinking tea and cake with her at his mum's house. For me this feels like the ultimate betrayal. His mum has spent 30 years talking about the evil woman that "lured her husband" away leaving her with a young son but is happy to welcome the woman who destroyed her grandchildren's home round for a cosy chat. I'm not sure if this is a step too far. I was all ready to forgive and try to rebuild my family but feel REALLY betrayed by this..Am I overreacting??

"I feel a bit guilty about leaving him with nothing but I worked so hard for it all. The idea of handing it over so he can set up home with ow would kill me. His mum will ....."

Do not feel guilty. He wasn't when he shagged another woman. He has brought this on himself. Why should he gain financially as well?

Ignore his mother. Nothing to do with your relationship. She'll be lucky if you let her see the children from now on.

Good for you, sounds sensible!

Excellent OP. I love it that you are protecting your and your childrens financial future. If there is one thing you should be doing while you are so heartbroken, then that is it.

so you had the legal separation deed organised straight away last august when you threw him out?

How long have you been married?

Just been back through your thread and see it's 14 years.

I don't understand why your main concern (you had sorted the money and separation deed immediately) would be whether you would find another partner.

Well done OP. It will get better.

The fact that you arranged a legal separation immediately last August, raises a number of questions.

Are you legally separated?

I severed the joint tenancy on our house when I found out his final misdemeanour; he was sacked for sexually harassing a junior colleague, after years of repeated EAs and credit card debt. The solicitor told me that because I put his name on the deeds six years ago, all I could do was protect my 'half', but he prob wouldn't be able to claim his half until youngest DC reaches 18. Like you, I've been married 14 years, DCs are 12,10 and 6, always lived in same village but prob couldn't afford to stay. Through All the stress, my eldest DS main concern has been that he can stay in his home (he's got mild ASD and hates change). Did tell me though that he can handle anything so long as i don't get a new man !

Yesterday I learnt that he acquired 2 more secret credit cards in April and has run up a further 1k debt on them; nothing changes........ I know that if I decide to end it I will have to go no contact to cut myself off from the emotional pressure. Remember , he is just turning on this emotion because he wants to get his way and thinks he can wear you down. I truly believe that men with such ingrained character flaws will never change and never accept responsibility for what they have done. A real man would back right off, allow you space to breathe and make the decision that is right for you and would focus his efforts on showing you that he had changed, rather than all the weeping. My Mum's BF was married to a man like this, he retired early and spent every penny she earned. She eventually left when her 16 year old DD told her enough was enough and had to start from scratch with a new mortgage. She did get through it, and has a much happier life. She totally understands why I'm finding it so hard to leave.

Oh Cambridge. What a tosser.

OP you ok?

Cambridge sounds like you've had an absolute nightmare. I only went to a solicitor to separate our finances when a friend marched me off there. I'd never have done it otherwise. So glad I did. He's pleading to come back now. I have to admit I'm weakening. Is that pathetic but you're right I know he won't change but just had daughter in tears when he left. Says he's gone to finish with ow. We'll see. Hope there's a way out for you Cambridge. I could so easily have been in same situation had it not been for a very wise friend and him signing papers when he thought he was skipping off into sunset and loveliness

Hi O, I like many others have been in a 10year marriage only to find out that my H was having an affair, I was also pregnant with our second child (planned pregnancy) when I was 5months he told me he did not love me and wanted to leave me and his unborn child and 4yr old son. I had not suspected anything, clever liar. I found texts on his phone to the OW and all became clear. That was 5years ago and Im divorced now with two beautiful sons. I have gone through all emotions there is to go through and like you fell for the declarations of love and that no other man would love me the way he did. Well thank god they don't, as I am better off without him and his so called love. I can honestly say that I am better off without him and our children are doing fine. Had we stayed together I would not have been able to trust him and mine and my sons life would have suffered. I know how hard and scary it is to get divorced and like you I would do anything to keep my family together. Marriage is for life but only if both are committed to making it work and have mutual respect for each other. Like I said I did give him 2 more chances to change but each time I and my sons were badly let down. In the end it was me that was saying I no longer wanted him and told him to go. Ive been divorced now for nearly two years and know that I made the right decision eventually. I wish you all the luck and hope you find the strength to do what is right for YOU x

Christie, how utterly hideous to find out something like that at five months pregnant. I'm so pleased you and your sons are doing well. I want him back so desperately but there's a part of me that doesn't as the trust has gone. He lied so convincingly and was so devious and showed himself capable of behaviour I would never have believed. I've told husband he must have my name tattooed on his bottom before I even consider it. May get him to do that and then send him on his way. It's so hard. Every logical bone in my body says it can never work without trust. He said "I 'd never do it again. I could not put myself through this again." that in itself rang alarm bells. Himself. No mention of the children or me or even ow who he had made promises to. All hurt by his actions. I still don't really know what to do. Wish there was a switch and I could turn the love off. X

Oh how I longed for that off switch too! If only it were that easy :(

Glad the alarm bells are ringing for you, to realise that it's all about him...

I begged XH to come back but with hindsight I would have never trusted him again.

Ultimately it's your life and your marriage but your H needs to do a hell of a lot more than he is doing now

op WHY are you giving this prick so much control over your life? He is humiliating you! From the day that HE walked out has he turned up on your door step throwing him self in your feet with his belongings? No.

Do you think this is acceptable behaviour for your dc to think its normal and healthy ?

He is that obsessed with his own fucking ego he can not bare to see you be free and happy. He is a fucking head fuck and it don't be long before the kids get dragged in his pathetic life.

Send his fucking emails to his fancy bit! Stop lying down and letting him piss all over you.

Dig deep and find that bastard switch and turn it off . You and him are not gonna live happily ever after. How can he be happy with some one he has no respect for!?

If you can't do it for your self op do it for your dd before you both fuck there heads up so they think it's ok for people to be treated in the god awful manner!

If you have been intimate with him while he has been shagging this OW then more fool you.

Sorry this seems harsh but you need to get a grip fir your kids.

If you take him back and he actually leaves this woman he can't contact he will be begging her back in no time.

He is like a dog with two dicks

The man you love doesn't exist. He's a fabrication.

This is the conclusion I had to come to. The real ExP was the one who lied and cheated. The one I loved was the one he pretended to be.

O, I know you will want him back and he knows you so well, but you have to keep reminding yourself of all that he has done to you. I crumbled when our second son was due to be born. I could not deny him from being there at the birth, and slowly let him back into my life. Then 1 month later I found out that he was expecting another child with his OW a work collegue of his. I kicked him out again. Then when my father died 10 months later I had to rely on him more to look after the boys while I helped my Mam overcome her grief who was also in ill health. I wondered how I could cope without the support from my Dad and and my Husband while looking after a baby and child, working part time and checking in on Mam. He saw how much I needed him and took advantage of the situation to get back in the home. I knew did down it could not work but thought maybe it was fate. He too was also very selfish and ran up lots of debt while I was careful about my spends. He was still very secretive even though I had told him that this was his last chance and if he could not be open and honest with me and put the effort into our marriage it would not survive no matter how much we wanted it to. Something I've learned is that sometimes no matter how much we love someone without trust and honesty it won't work. Its surprising how strong we can be, women and children, men on the other hand can be surprisingly weak. You sound like a very capable, strong intelligent women. Keep your friends and family close to you x

Tinker speaks the truth

I totally agree with tinker, however hard it is to read. My ex played the same mind games as yours sounds just as selfish, its all about them. They don't see what hurt they have inflicted on you or the children. You have to be the strong one and don't let your children see or hear any of this mess thats going on around them as much as you can at least x

I know you're all right. Christie I'm in awe of your strength after what you've been though. To have all that thrown at you and then get through it is incredible. Just had my mum on the phone, "he's a weak pathetic man, he won't change. He's shown a hideous side to himself that you can never forget. " the reason he's being so loving now is he can see what HE'S lost, his comfy life, what you offer him, the fact he has no responsibility for anything. It's himself he's thinking of not you. She's right I know but it's hard to accept that I 've not seen it for 14 years

You need to go NC with this man for a month.

Discuss nothing but the DCs. Get done childcare help.

Everyone is telling you he's a prick. You need to clear your head without him around.

I had this pinned on my fridge door "don't grow a wish bone where your backbone should be" to stop me wishing he'd come back, wishing he still loved me, wishing he would pick me and DS over his new woman.

Don't have sex with him, don't discuss his new relationship or his "hardships". Listen to your mum and friend and make a step today to protect yourself and your DCs from this weak, selfish man.

Something you said sauce is really making me think. You said earlier. The liar and the cheat is the real him. He was hiding it all along. He keeps saying this last year was not the real me. But I suppose I have to accept he's shown me who he really is. When someone you've been that close to is a fraud. How can you ever trust anyone again?

I got therapy! And read loads of self help books / relationship books. I started with "he's just not that into you" !

Look, I was a mess. I cried every day for two years near enough. But I think he's a total twat. He most definitely does not have any hold over me at all.

It was so hard. I felt that I was stupid and idiotic not to have seen who ExP really was. So if I couldn't see it in him was I destined to be conned again.

It was a long process and one that nearly broke me but I promise you it is far better to be enlightened about someone than it is to live in the "safety " of ignorance.

If I had been aware of ExP's ability to con, cheat lie and manipulate would I have fallen in love with him when I first met him. No I wouldn't . Therefore what was my love based on - it was based in the character traits he pretended to have. He pretended to be loyal, honest, reliable , good bloke, decent etc. he wasn't those things because he had an affair for 2 years, lied about me, lied to me and gas lighted me. I just made it through with my sanity! He blamed me for affair. He continued to lie to CSA. And this is a white collar, director, tall, handsome guy who I thought was a GOD!!

But I'm married now. So I did learn to trust my judgement again. And he's brilliant. But I do feel like I've been exposed to the darker side of human nature. Which is good - because I was way too naive and trusting. I'm tougher now.

I'm rambling. You'll get there

People who have not been in this situation find it hard to understand why anyone would want someone back who lied and cheated repeatedly. But it is very hard. These men know all your buttons and they are cunning and deceitful. Very true that the real person is how they are behaving now, not how you would like them to be. It is totally amazing how strong women can be, that is because on the whole we put our family first.
I was truly inspired by a letter from Ronald Reagan to his son on the importance of fidelity in marriage. It moved me to tears and underlined what damage infidelity causes and what we should all aspire to in a relationship. You can find it at www.lettersofnote.com and its title is"love, dad".