Repercussions of an affair

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I threw my husband out in August after I found texts professing undying love to a work colleague..Whilst he'd left me with the children claiming to be "working" or out with the lads he'd been waltzing around having a lovely time with her. The hardest to swallow was that a "stag do" he was attending was actually a wedding. Found it ironic that a man commiting adultery would find it acceptable to watch somebody else exchanging vows a few days before his own anniversary.

Anyway there has been lots of weeping, wailing, I can't live with out you going on ever since but his relationship with the other woman has continued. She's planning marriage and he's living with her family like a long lost son. He's finally going to tell her it's over but I've now found out that he introduced her to his mother. So while he was pleading with me to take him back he was drinking tea and cake with her at his mum's house. For me this feels like the ultimate betrayal. His mum has spent 30 years talking about the evil woman that "lured her husband" away leaving her with a young son but is happy to welcome the woman who destroyed her grandchildren's home round for a cosy chat. I'm not sure if this is a step too far. I was all ready to forgive and try to rebuild my family but feel REALLY betrayed by this..Am I overreacting??

It's normal, this yo-yo-ing of emotions.

That's why the no contact rule is good for you.

It allows you to focus on yourself and DC, without getting sucked into all his drama.

But this yo-yo-ing self doubt is all part of the grieving process. You're grieving the loss of a marriage and a man who wasn't all you thought he was and it's normal.

Even if you took him back, he's still not all you thought he was and you will still grieve.

I'm 2 years out and still have moments of doubt - less intense - and I talk myself straight.

I trust that he sucks, no matter what he says, the actions haven't stacked up.

I know your DC are young but you sound like you don't have proper access arrangements in place so you can get some time off to focus on you.

To do the things you no longer get to do because you're working or looking after DC.

Can't sleep . Keep imagining the pair of them on their romantic break

I'm up and sipping a small glass of vino. It's always shit at this time of the night/morning. You're so coming to get through this (you can't see that right now) and you won't have a clue what you ever saw in the lying weasel.

How you doing?

Romantic Break my arse. Their future is shorter than a gnat's knob and their 'love' is totally warped and doomed.

Anyway, back to you since the thought of your H makes me reach for the rum.

You have survived five months already without him...(since august) and you're having a dip now.

As AF says, it will pass.

Thankyou fire. That helps. Just been on chumplady and done a trust that they suck refresher course!! How do you ever trust anyone again. I thought I knew him better than anyone. Would have trusted him with my life. My judgement is flawed!

Your judgement isn't flawed, like many of us, you thought your H was your partner for life and would always have your back.

No one expects betrayal at this level and it is always such a shock when it happens - has been compared to PTSD.

Thanks for trying to helpmeet make sense of it spree. I've not slept and I know for all his "breakdown, suicidal thoughts and despair. " he will sleep soundly and wake to her telling him how magnificent he is. Then nice lie in while I struggle through school run. At the moment there doesn't seem any justice. Please tell me he'll pay for this hideous behaviour in the long run. Their Cosy weekend away has just about finishedme

You are married to waltermitty I married his brother. 6 years post split and he still inhabits a world none of the rest of us recognise. Get yourself an aupair as he ill eventually become unreliable in chilcare once he realises its another way to control you. Reclaim your life its the only way. Even my children tell me 'daddies just a liar' heartbreaking, he did to them exactly what he did to me these type of people cant be helped until they are prepared to look at their behaviour and total self absorption FYI mummy knows she caused some of this

Thankyou middleeastern. You're right the kids will see through it. He's trying to pretend to them nothing is going on "I still love mummy and am trying to make it better. " but they see more than he thinks. When some money went missing from my son's money box. He instantly said, "daddy will have taken it. " I'm hoping in the future they see through it. I want them to love their dad. But worried they'll blame me for this

he's a proper loser. His girlfriend will get sick of him soon enough. I hope you're over him by then as he'll most def be begging to get you back again.

What I can't understand is she shows no signs at all of being sick of him. According to him she is utterly devoted. What does she see in him

I think the phrase "according to him" is key there. She prob has a very warped idea of what's going on because it's all been conveyed to her "according to him". Also they haven't had much to test their relationship yet have they, in her eyes it's still all lollipops and rainbows (other than the minor niggle of his "ex"!).

And had your H taken you DS money? your DCs understand him.

The DCs will have more respect for you and a better blue print for relationships without your H at home.

She's 26 and lives with her parents. She sees him as an easy way out. She's desperate to be a grown up. This relationship isn't based on anything solid.

I'm sure I've been portrayed as a right cow. He tells me he always told her he still loves me. Really. I'm sure there must be an element of attraction based on managing to lure a man away from his family. It must make her feel really special that she is so wonderful she means more than all the shared history and a home and family built. I'm trying so hard to see him as the loser in this. Why does it feel like it's me. How could her parents welcome a married man into their home. If my 6 year old brought someone like hum back in 20 years time . I'd be horrified. They've given him free board and lodgings, sat down to Christmas dinner and said how lovely it is that he's made her so happy. I don't expect them to care about me but if I was a parent I'd worry about happiness based on such misery left behind. Sorry to go on but it really helps to see a more reasoned reaction to his behaviour here. My mum would have gone up the wall if I'd brought a married man to stay rent free with her for months

And sauce yes he had taken my son's money. I have never met anyone so useless with money. Was always bailing him out. He even borrowed£500 from me when he was seeing her. Little did I realise what I was funding

Onmyown You're assuming people have the same moral compass as you or that they know the truth.

The OW parents - They may hate him. They may think he's a fucking prick but are worried if they boot him out she goes too. They may think he's great because he's lied and manipulated his way into their affections.

He most likely has told them that you've got soneone else / kicked him out / it's amicable - that sort of thing. they won't know the actual truth. They may have swallowed his victim act which inevitably paints you in a terrible light. Who knows.

What I became much better at was being very clear about who was worthy of my time and energy. When I was left with a small baby in circumstances that would have me as a guest on Jeremy Kyle - there were people who helped me and people who hindered. People who pretended to care but just wanted to know the salacious details. Cut out people who hinder from your life, from your thoughts and from your future.

The best and quickest way to get over this is to change what you spend your time thinking about. Change your thoughts and you will change your life, your feelings and your future. Every time your thoughts wander to OW etc bring them back to your DCs, to survival, to friends etc. don't let these twats occupy your mind.

Don't be distracted by the OW and her family. For whatever reason they have behaved reprehensible towards you and your DCs. But that's a matter for them. They are not worthy of your time.

Your H took your son's money - I am appalled.

He is a fucking scum shit head. Your poor DCs, that must feel so disappointed and so ashamed. Get angry for them. Anger can be motivating and empowering.

They will feel so proud of you for getting shot of him.

You are getting stronger every day. You already sound like a different woman to the one who started this thread.

I remember reading on here, I think it might have been AnyFucker's advice.

Get the proper access in place, if it means 50-50, let him have the DCs but in a place of his own ie. he needs to find a suitable place to have them.

It will do 2 things - give you back some time for yourself (and you can use this to good effect, individual counselling, exercise or just something to treat yourself).

It will also mean 4 kids in his little fantasy love nest - let's see how long that lasts before the strain starts to show.

I know it's hard, you feel crippled by all that's happened, but keep posting and find strength from reading and keep going for your children.

He is worse than scum, taking money from his kids' money box.

And implement the idea that when it's HIS time to have the DCs, if he needs child care, HE needs to arrange it. That's his responsibility as a parent. Don't step up to be his babysitter as he will take advantage and you will feel used.

OP, I too wondered what OW parents were thinking. I can only agree with SFTW that they must have been fed a pack of lies and/or their daughter is an expert manipulator. Either way, imagine being his age and staying with someone's parents. How pathetic.

Please don't worry about never having anyone else because of the children. I get that fear, I thought that when I split up with ex-H, no one would want me as rejected material, I would be alone forever and never have a family. I met DH 18 months later, so it was nonsense.

I know it's not the right time to be thinking of a new partner, but if it helps - one of my friends has four children under 12, youngest is four, is 48, split with her husband four years ago (he decided somewhat belatedly that he didn't want kids after all after youngest was born) and is getting married in Feb to a lovely man she met a year ago who has three children of his own who live with him full time (his wife died). Friend says its chaos, but they have a lovely huge family. Another friends cousin is 32, has three children under 5, split from her (by all accounts EA) partner before the youngest was born and has been seeing someone new for six months and is very happy.

I am sure that everyone has stories Ike this.

Obviously, it will take you time to move on, to be ready to date, people recover at different rates and are ready at different times, but I just wanted to try and take that fear away from you. You sound lovely and I am sure there is a fantastic future for you. Just focus on the here and now for the moment.

I'm trying so hard to see him as the loser in this. Why does it feel like it's me.

Believe me. He will be the loser in the long term. Your children are young now, but one day they will be adults. You will be constant presence in their lives who stuck by them, nurtured them and loved them. You will be the person who gets to enjoy them as adults and their kids and their kids' kids. They already see him for who he is. When they are old enough to understand, his betrayal will be plain for them to see and they will understand what it took for you to provide their firm base. This man has traded his future relationship with his lovely children (and you) for a bit of legover and ego stroking in the side. He is very much the loser in this scenario, be in no doubt about that.

Maybe this says more about me, but after reading this whole thread, and all the awful things he's done and said and how he has treated you and all the agonies you are going through, this

yes, he had taken my son's money

makes me want to cry.

However you do it, whatever it takes, grab this chance to get him out of your life.

OP

Loser - him.

Winner - you.

No longer wasting your life living with a liar.
He has lost the best thing that ever happened to him.

OP, he sounds EXACTLY like my DH. All the 'you are all I've ever wanted, it's never been about the children only you' and then I had 'you don't know what a terrible place I am in, I'm desperate, I can't carry on etc. , etc. Then, using my fear of being in my own with 3 DS: 'I will go and live in London with friends and cut all contact'. Eventually the pressure got to much for me and I took him back against Mumsnet advice. STAY STRONG, I made the mistake and now I will have to through all the pain again because he hasn't changed. He also took DS money, including 3k inheritance left for them by my frugal step gran. He is amoral.", controlling and always plays the victim. He knows how to push all my buttons and wear me down, but I'm still fighting and one day I will find the strength to leave. I have gone back to work and bulked up my support network to make it easier when I do.

And BTW I can identify with every single one of the emotions you described, I felt exactly like that when we were apart. Now I am exhausted from the strain of living a lie and seeing my parents suffer because I am in pain and worrying that he will drag us down further. I brought all the equity into our marriage and he brought only debt. He will take half of my children's inheritance when he leaves.

Thanks so much for all your advice. It's really really helping hearing from people who have been like this. Cambridgechick, you're so right my husband sounds just like yours. He has only ever brought debt to our marriage. When I found out about his affair I immediately went to a solicitor and had a legal deed of separation drawn up. This means all the equity I brought to the house is mine and he gets nothing. I did it to protect the children. If he gets half I have to leave the village they've always known and move to a much cheaper area. I feel a bit guilty about leaving him with nothing but I worked so hard for it all. The idea of handing it over so he can set up home with ow would kill me. His mum will get nasty when she finds out what I've done she's incredibly vindictive.he's been crying again saying he's made massive mistakes and just wants his family and is being really lovely to me when he's here. I'm trying to see through it all but it's hard. I read all your advice and it's giving me strength. House is on Market. Second viewing Saturday. I think anew home without the memories and huge mortgage would help