Repercussions of an affair

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I threw my husband out in August after I found texts professing undying love to a work colleague..Whilst he'd left me with the children claiming to be "working" or out with the lads he'd been waltzing around having a lovely time with her. The hardest to swallow was that a "stag do" he was attending was actually a wedding. Found it ironic that a man commiting adultery would find it acceptable to watch somebody else exchanging vows a few days before his own anniversary.

Anyway there has been lots of weeping, wailing, I can't live with out you going on ever since but his relationship with the other woman has continued. She's planning marriage and he's living with her family like a long lost son. He's finally going to tell her it's over but I've now found out that he introduced her to his mother. So while he was pleading with me to take him back he was drinking tea and cake with her at his mum's house. For me this feels like the ultimate betrayal. His mum has spent 30 years talking about the evil woman that "lured her husband" away leaving her with a young son but is happy to welcome the woman who destroyed her grandchildren's home round for a cosy chat. I'm not sure if this is a step too far. I was all ready to forgive and try to rebuild my family but feel REALLY betrayed by this..Am I overreacting??

Yes. The pretend breakdown.

Oh, and the one about how devoted she is to him she might do something stupid if he didn't break it off really slowly...

It's all lies.

She must have dumped him.

You need to burst the bubble op. Call this woman. Demand her phone number from him. Watch him refuse to give it to you.

I can hear the claptrap he's been feeding her now.

Unfortunately Onmyown this is just another subsection of "The Script." Familiar territory for many on here. Ride it out - ignore ignore, other than directing him to his mother. He is no longer your problem. He's looking for an "in" to get back into the house and back with you, as either the OW dropped him or his ego is bruised as you haven't taken him back.

IIRC the next part should be either him threatening suicide or claiming the OW is doing so and he doesn't know how to break it off.

The age old script - always worth a read OP....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

i know in most cases it's advocated to ignore ignore and don't stoop to calling the OW etc etc, but in this case I really think the OP should.

Remain calm. No shouting. Backfoot her by asking if she is ok and your husband is at yours in a terrible state.

The OW has been told a total pack of bollocks (eg probably that you 'forced' him to have a vasectomy when actually he wanted more children) too and it's very powerful to have a conversation with his other victim.

Ask him, nicely but very firmly, for her phone number. Ring her immediately in front of him. Leave a message if she doesn't answer - could the two of you have a chat as 'Mike' (H) is clearly very troubled by you beginning divorce proceedings and could she please keep him away from the house...

I guarantee he won't want to give you her number.

...but if he does, call her. Make her real to you and you real to her and his shittiness real to both of you.

What a pathetic lying cheating nasty bastard.

How pathetic. How DARE he ask you for help in a shit situation he caused.

OP - he is being a monumental twat. This breakdown, pity me is classic behaviour of someone refusing to acknowledge the damage they are doing. Children do this - cry and sob to get out of trouble. Maybe, maybe you have a future. But that does not include OW, her parents, vasectomy reversals and sobbing on door steps. It involves him living with his DM, time apart, marriage guidance, counselling etc. then maybe 12 months down the line with bridges rebuilt you could think about it.

Until he's living on MIL sofa you cannot believe a thing he says.

Listen to your friend. She sounds like a good, reliable friend.

It's time to feel angry OP. He doesn't respect you. Shame on him.

Don't listen to SFTG.

There is surely no way back to this twat. You wouldn't go into a relationship with a man who had a girlfriend and a wife so why even contemplate that you might in 12 months time?

Listen to your own voice OP, seek advice and listen but it is your life.

Urgh. Pathetic whining snivelling little man crying all over you asking for your hep

Not your problem.

Send him back to OW/MIL or whatever.

What I'm struggling to comprehend is how he is claiming it is difficult for him to extrapolate himself from the OW, but how simple it was for him to detach from his family life.

I'm getting the impression he just wants to play the two of you off against each other and he's really enjoying that feeling of being 'fought for'.

The fact that he's causing you hideous amounts of distress is of no consequence for him. Honestly love, just kick him into touch.

You will manage with four kids because it seems to me that's one less than you've been dealing with.

Toffee when I say maybe - I mean maybe like maybe a snow flake can survive in hell maybe....

He's not going to do those things like counselling, live with his DM etc. because he's lazy and selfish and wants to hop from one woman to the next. The contempt I have for this man - whose type is sadly very familiar to me too - runs deep.

What I'm concerned about is he's going wheedle his way back because the OP is broken looking after the DCs and feeling like she will never meet anyone else.

So, if he starts the begging and OP is feeling weakened by the whole thing she can say you know what maybe but only if you do XYZ. Prove it. She just doesn't seem strong enough to be definitive just yet. We get rid of relationships in stages iyswim?

I'm guessing he won't because of his type.

Just to be clear - I think OP will be a far happier, successful and settled person without him.

My stxh did all of this, said all the same things..his OW dumped him back in April and he came sniffing round me again..I stopped engaging with him, I dont answer his texts unless its to do with the children..he still tries to manipulate me by sending me friendly texts etc..when I finally told him I had moved on, he went crawling back to OW

I intend to start divorce proceedings, he has contacted me in tears, bawling and snivelling down the phone saying he hates himself for what he has done to me..sadly its crap..and I know it..I put the phone down on him..after 18 years I have realised that he was nothing more than a smarmy, lying manipulative waste of space..I almost feel sorry for the OW

oh and btw, I also had the fake depression and breakdown over the last three to four years, its all crap

memorylapse, RESPECT! Bloody well done, not to fall for his pathetic, fake 'remorse'.

I got to the point when we (me and my friends) could predict the next breakdown! Stay strong, stay fold and clinical and stop engaging with him! Keep strong x

Sorry, breakdown should have read "breakdown" but he always crawled back to OW - stupid, stupid woman!

hope you are ok today op.
Mother in laws will always stick up for their sons whatever the situation I have experienced this recently. Apparatnely I 'wind him up' and it's my fault for many of our arguments. Bloody hell.
and the men always play victim. Stay strong.

I'm not sure if I've done the right thing..memory, thanks for sharing your story and confirming they follow a crying "script" and Alice you're right, suicide threats did follow. You have all given me so much strength. The combined wisdom of the posters on here is like an instruction manual for dysfunctional men. Every instinct in my body was telling me to throw my arms round him, tell him it would all be OK and ask him to come home. What I actually did was repeat over and over again "you're a nasty, deceitful, manipulative man please go and enjoy your leisure break with OW. I hope you have a really lovely time"..He cried told me the last year has not been him, he's not like that, he despises himself, realises he has the perfect wife and has thrown it all away to be with someone he does not want to be with. I told him I felt I'd been married to someone I never really knew. I'm quite entertained by the idea of him, his ow and family gatherings at ex mil..all she ever talks about is the evil woman who had an affair with her husband..conversation will be limited now..can't really condemn adulterous behaviour faced with her cheating son and the girlfriend who knew he was married with four kids and thought that was fine. Have I done the right thing..What's upsetting is I KNOW he has ruined his life..He's tried to cheat on this woman already with me so he can't really love her. But he's ruined mine as well..How is my future going to be any better. I've got four children so I suppose I'm going to have to accept life on my own as nobody would want that kind of commitment

Yesterday I was filled with resolve..Now I'm thinking did I do the right thing? Should I have been more forgiving? Did he genuinely mean it? Have I just driven him in to the other woman's arms?

You did the right thing, Op.

Honestly. He was arranging marriage and children with this woman!

He has treated you like dirt. No, he treated you like something invisible.

In a years time, if he is still alone (ha!) and still begging for forgiveness and if you feel you can forgive him, then you could think about getting back together then?

Not now, while he is still planning romantic weekends away with his ow.

Don't let him back now, he really is a contemptible little shit. Please tell your friends, get some support.

First of all - he was already in the other woman's arms. You drove him nowhere. He drove there all by himself.

Secondly - by attempting to "cheat" on her with you again, that shows you how little he values either of you. He will not be any more faithful to her than he is to you.

I bet he'll thoroughly enjoy his leisure break with OW and then come back and cry at your feet again about how he spent the whole time missing you. But if they've gone somewhere sunny, my money's on him having a pretty decent tan.

And sorry, but this...
I'm quite entertained by the idea of him, his ow and family gatherings at ex mil..all she ever talks about is the evil woman who had an affair with her husband..conversation will be limited now..can't really condemn adulterous behaviour faced with her cheating son and the girlfriend who knew he was married with four kids and thought that was fine.
this did make me chuckle a little. Oh to be a fly on the wall when that conversation comes out, eh?

You want to know if he meant all those pretty words to you?

WATCH his actions.

Re his father, sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree eh?

You did the right thing. Totally. Let OW have the shitty booby prize that is him.

You did nothing wrong-he CHOSE to have an affair, you didnt drive him to it, he is a selfish feck, console yourself knowing that the OW has got the booby prize, the real prize is you and he he lost