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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice on how to deal with my husband :(

136 replies

AnotherRandom · 06/01/2014 19:59

Hi everyone. I've posted here before and got some much needed support and i'm in desperate need of it again :( this is long I'm so sorry!

My husband is making my life hard sometimes. We bicker so often these days it drains me of my energy.

I'm pretty sure he is the one with the problem but I don't think I help situations. I've read a lot on this forum and it has really empowered me but I think this has caused more friction in our relationship.

An example, one which 100% confuses me. Today I went out with my toddler at around just after 4. I got back a few minutes after my husband got home from work so around 6.10. He started to question where i had been. How long i had been there. He then asked me in a really horrible way 'so you chose to go out 1.5 hours before i was due to come home?'

What the actual fuck?!! He was annoyed that I was not home before him I was genuinely baffled and asked why I would need to be home before him and he wasn't giving a reason. He said my mum would do that (get home before my dad) and I said I wouldn't do this and have never done this so why expect it? He got more annoyed and said it is common decency for me to be home before him???

This lead to an argument about why I should have been home before him and how he would do that for me. He then started getting his things ready for the gym and ignored my toddler. This really upset me. I asked him to get the toddler ready for bed and spend a bit of time with her and he refused. He does this a lot when we argue. He said he cares a lot for her but doesn't want to be around me hence going out to the gym.

I told him I would go upstairs if I have annoyed him so much but he kept refusing to spend time with her! He then said he didn't want to get her ready for bed because it would help me out and he doesn't want to do anything for me.

He is not going gym now and did get her ready for bed but is going to continue the argument when she is asleep and I am back downstairs. I don't even know what the hell to talk about. It all seems so pathetic. He is really hard to talk/argue with because he manipulates what i say and goes on and on. Literally it can go on for over an hour.

Any advice on what to do? Or how to deal with a man like this? Or am I just being pathetic? I really don't know anymore. I have tried to stand my ground, be reasonable, be understanding but he makes it so hard and when I do get annoyed he says I start the arguments.

OP posts:

Tiredemma · 06/01/2014 20:02

I dont think you are pathetic. He sounds very controlling and mean.

He 'cares a lot' for your DD? is she his DD also?

99redbafoons · 06/01/2014 20:07

I literally never post on relationship boards but your post came up in active and I feel I can feel your sadness in your post.

Your husband sounds awful, really, really awful. He is trying to control you and his behaviour is likely to get worse. Why is he comparing you to his mum and dad's relationship?

Do you have someone in RL you can talk to? Does he allow you to see friends etc? Do you work?

Please really consider your relationship, he sounds vile.

Original poster

AnotherRandom · 06/01/2014 20:07

Yeh she is his daughter. It shocks me that I have to ask, and in this case plead for him to spend time with her.

He got annoyed saying I am twisting things to make him seem bad but he did that himself. He was rushing this morning for work so did nothing for or with her. Got home, we argued and then chose to ignore her.

I told him it doesn't matter what happens between us, you should treat her as normal, I do even though I may be upset with him. I really don't understand how you can chose to be a twat to your own child if you've had an argument with someone else. It really pisses me off and makes me sad for her.

OP posts:

AskBasil · 06/01/2014 20:07

He 's very angry that you behaved as if you are a person in your own right with a life separate from his.

You are there to serve him, not to go out enjoying yourself with your child, Don 't you realise that?

Original poster

AnotherRandom · 06/01/2014 20:14

99redbafoons thank you. He was comparing me to my own parents, sorry if I didn't make that clear. I'm rushing to write this down because I have to go down soon and listen to him drone on at me.

I have told my family about what he is like only after posting on here the time before. I was desperate then as well. I have just plodded along thinking things will pick up and get better. He says he's changed (gets less angry) and that i am the one getting worse (more angry) but I don't know if that's because I can see what he is really like now. I also am starting to dislike him a bit too because of how he treats me. This makes me so sad :(

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/01/2014 20:17

He is a dick., a poor partner and a shitty excuse for a father

Bin him before your daughter realises how much you are putting up with for the sake of a relationship.

AnyFucker · 06/01/2014 20:18

Oh, and don't go and listen to him listing all your "faults"

tell him to STFU

Strongmum72 · 06/01/2014 20:21

Tell him to have your tea ready next time ;-) x

DustBunnyFarmer · 06/01/2014 20:22

He's probably being shitty to your daughter because he knows it will hurt you. What an arsehole. Poor you. Poor daughter.

Lweji · 06/01/2014 20:26

I would be getting angrier too with his attitudes, if he's like that often.
What he really means, though, is that you are more assertive. It may work in that he is less angry, because he can sense that you are not putting up with his shit so much, but he seems to be taking it on your daughter, because that hurts you.

But be careful, because his nastiness could emerge in worse ways than so far, if he feels he's losing control over you.

BonesAndSkully · 06/01/2014 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

AnotherRandom · 06/01/2014 20:27

Lol I would love to tell him to just fuck off (and have done a few times) but then he starts going off on one about talking with respect

Going down now. Looking forward to this shit. And you know what, come to think of it. He always throws a spanner in the works when I am about to do something or go somewhere. I am doing a bit of part time work tomorrow and he is now conveniently in a mood.

By the way thanks for your comments.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 06/01/2014 20:28

When you posted before were you advised that he is controlling?

Twinklestein · 06/01/2014 20:31

May I ask if you have any background in any culture in which women are traditionally submissive? That would explain his mother coming home before his father and his lack of value for a female child. I'm wondering if these are cultural imprints? (Not that it makes any difference he's still a tosser).

stayathomegardener · 06/01/2014 20:32

I actually do try to get in before DH to get tea ready and things organised as it makes for a nicer more relaxed evening for everyone.And yes I guess both our parents did that
But should I not be in first DH would usually ring me to check I'm OK and ask what he can do to get tea started.I would assume this is the norm.
Your DH sounds really unsupportive and his lack of interest in your DD is unforgivable.
It dosn't sound like he would really change even if given an ultimatum.

ashtrayheart · 06/01/2014 20:33

Urgh, I'm so sorry he sounds very controlling.
You don't belong to him; you are a person in your own right. I would seriously be considering your future relationship with this man.
Take care

Original poster

AnotherRandom · 06/01/2014 20:34

Yeh a lot of people said he is controlling and won't change but the foolish idiot that I am believed things might get better? I didn't want to split. I felt it would be so shameful. I still do which is why I hve tried to make it work. Tried to make myself believe this is fine. But I know it isn't. I'm just stuck at the moment.

I know he is the problem but I thought perhaps I could help him or help the relationship. But it's all so sad. And If i get emotional, he pulls out the 'why you crying? Why are u so angry? Are you on your period?' as if that is the only time it is acceptable to show emotion?

OP posts:

MrsOakenshield · 06/01/2014 20:35

out of interest, why do you refer to your (yours and his) child as 'mine'? Because of that phrasing, I thought from your thread that she wasn't his child.

Aside from that, he sounds awful, and I would second AF that you remove yourself and DD from this situation before it becomes any more poisonous. I am really hoping that you are not going to say that you are a SAHM with no financial independence . . .

Lweji · 06/01/2014 20:36

Detaching is the best way, but, again, he may get worse when he senses it.

Have you got a plan at least in your head about what to do if things go really bad? Have you got your own account? Money saved? A place to go?

KingRollo · 06/01/2014 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bahhhhhumbug · 06/01/2014 20:38

LTB , seriously.

lottiegarbanzo · 06/01/2014 20:39

Well, I'd suggest giving him nothing to manipulate. Just listen, say you're seeking to understand his position as, at the moment, he hasn't explained the reason for his upset. Take notes if you like.

But, give him a time limit, maybe ten or 15 minutes and say you'll reflect on what he has to say, rather than responding immediately.

He was very quick and clear to say you'd done something wrong so he should have no difficulty summarising the reason for such a definite and confident position, quickly. If he needs to waffle, that indicates he still needs thinking time and it would be better if he did that in private and got back to you with a summary once he's sure of himself.

He's introducing a new idea, it's only fair you then have time to think about it before giving your opinion. Opinion note, not response. You cannot 'defend yourself' for doing something you hadn't previously been made aware was a problem. You've behaved normally, he's identified a new issue which he would like you to consider. Once you've considered, you can let him know whether you agree there is an issue and, if there is, how you are going to alter your approach in future.

DustBunnyFarmer · 06/01/2014 20:39

Sorry, I don't think my last post was forceful enough. It should have said 'massive, shitty arsehole.' You deserve better and I think you know it too. You tried. Time for a break.

BillyBanter · 06/01/2014 20:40

I'm guessing you have time at home without him. Can you find time (with your DC out of earshot if s/he is old enough to talk) to call Women's Aid.

you say you'd like him to fuck off. They can help you devise a plan to separate with the least fuss possible. He is clearly the sort who will make things as difficult as possible if you do try to separate without support and guidance.

lekkerslaap · 06/01/2014 20:41

Crikey, I thought it was only my Mum...

"I need to get home to cook Dad's tea."

"What are you cooking for Mr lekkerslaap's tea?"

You need to nip it in the bud somehow but I can see it will be a challenge. He sounds like a complete arse.

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