Advice on how to deal with my husband :(

[AnotherRandom]

Hi everyone. I've posted here before and got some much needed support and i'm in desperate need of it again :( this is long I'm so sorry!

My husband is making my life hard sometimes. We bicker so often these days it drains me of my energy.

I'm pretty sure he is the one with the problem but I don't think I help situations. I've read a lot on this forum and it has really empowered me but I think this has caused more friction in our relationship.

An example, one which 100% confuses me. Today I went out with my toddler at around just after 4. I got back a few minutes after my husband got home from work so around 6.10. He started to question where i had been. How long i had been there. He then asked me in a really horrible way 'so you chose to go out 1.5 hours before i was due to come home?'

What the actual fuck?!! He was annoyed that I was not home before him I was genuinely baffled and asked why I would need to be home before him and he wasn't giving a reason. He said my mum would do that (get home before my dad) and I said I wouldn't do this and have never done this so why expect it? He got more annoyed and said it is common decency for me to be home before him???

This lead to an argument about why I should have been home before him and how he would do that for me. He then started getting his things ready for the gym and ignored my toddler. This really upset me. I asked him to get the toddler ready for bed and spend a bit of time with her and he refused. He does this a lot when we argue. He said he cares a lot for her but doesn't want to be around me hence going out to the gym.

I told him I would go upstairs if I have annoyed him so much but he kept refusing to spend time with her! He then said he didn't want to get her ready for bed because it would help me out and he doesn't want to do anything for me.

He is not going gym now and did get her ready for bed but is going to continue the argument when she is asleep and I am back downstairs. I don't even know what the hell to talk about. It all seems so pathetic. He is really hard to talk/argue with because he manipulates what i say and goes on and on. Literally it can go on for over an hour.

Any advice on what to do? Or how to deal with a man like this? Or am I just being pathetic? I really don't know anymore. I have tried to stand my ground, be reasonable, be understanding but he makes it so hard and when I do get annoyed he says I start the arguments.

You can't fix this man, OP, or this situation. You can only leave it.

He's been physically abusive to you. Stop flogging a dead horse.

Get yourself sorted practically then tell him you're divorcing him.

It takes a special kind of nastiness to punish a toddler (by withdrawing affection) for the perceived failings of a wife.

Some good points made by all. Thank you.

custardo I have tried a rota based system to divide chores and jobs but it completely failed because he hated it. It meant he had to step up. It gets so petty. For example I may have washed up the day before, it is now his turn. He will happily leave it for a few days then moan at me saying I should hve done it. If I remind him to do the dishes and that it is his turn, he will tell me he doesn't like that it should be someone's turn this day and that day. I thought what the actual fuck, what more can i do?

I believe that whoever cooks should not have to wash the dishes. This works for him if he has cooked (oven food) but if the shoe is on the other foot and I have cooked, he will never do it there and then. I have to face a fucking messy kitchen in the morning, and if when he comes home i ask him to do it when he is free, he moans at me saying I shoul have just helped him by doing some of it

We once sat down to make a list of the jobs we each do around the home. Well what a fucking waste of time. He saw it as an attack on himself and started to belittle the jobs I do around the home. Literally I do everything, he may (upon request) wash dishes, sort food out, take the bin out, hoover (rare). He comes home, will either go gym or sit on his arse reading or on his iPad or watch a bit of TV.

He thinks it's my job as his wife to sort his lunch out. He's happy to sort it if it doesn't involve making sandwiches? So sometimes he might take whatever i cooked the night before. But he is always late in the morning and rushing around then asks me to do it and I hate it. I want to chuck the chopping board at him. I don't understand why he is always late!!!! He's like a big baby but will happily tell me I'm childish from the way I speak to him. Childish and disrespectful and that I cause his outbursts and arguments.

I hope you find the strength to leave him. You will cope financially, people do, and you will be so so much happier and so will your DD.

There isn't any 'fixing' this - it is either live like this for the next 50 years or get out. If you are going to 'get out' do it now while your DD is little - the longer you stay the worse living like this will be for her - she will see what you are putting up with, she will know how he uses her to manipulate you and the more likely it is she will end up replicating this relationship in her own life... do you want that for your little girl? Do you want her to be married to a man like her father?

I know you don't. Dig deep, find the strength inside you - it's clear you have it x

There is nothing you can do to change this situation - nothing. You only have two option - live with him the way he is or leave. You are just exhausting yourself looking for a third option, when there isn't one :(

The fact is that he wants to live with someone like his mum who does everything for him. At the moment you're strong enough to know you don't want to be that person, but suspect that you've already become someone you never thought you'd be.

Even if he improves for a bit, it will be because it's in his own interests for you to stay, not because he respects you. Then he'll always revert to type as that's what is best for him.

Look to leaving while you are still the person that you are now. It will be so much harder the more you become the person he wants you to be to keep the peace.

I had exactly the same issue regarding housework with my ex (white English male raised by his Mum and Nan).
If asked to pull his weight, he had a number of strategies;

1. He would claim he already did his share and I was a nagging bitch for not recognising it.
2. He would start a huge fight about it.
3. He would passively resist, by doing it badly, doing the minimum and creating more mess/work on the sly.
4. He would wait until I had accepted he wasn't going to help, for example dragging the lawnmower round, then appear screaming 'I was about to do that'.

In the end it he was triumphant - I gave up even asking for his help and started feeling I had been forced into the role of 'mother' to a manchild. Except his triumph mysteriously didnt work; I didn't want to sleep with him (what 'mother' would?!) and lost all respect. I wanted to leave him, he cried. I stayed, miserable, until eventually as all children do, he found a girlfriend or two, and started using prostitutes, joining swingers sites, dogging. And after all that, he still thinks it's my fault I left him, and behaves like a an abandoned child. I met a new (all grown up) man and have never been happier.

Leave now, before your daughter is used as a tool 'don't upset Daddy, Mummy' is what is in store for you.

chippingin i definitely don't want our daughter marrying anybody like him! Says a lot really. But he would say the same about me.

keemanaan I do wonder how he can go from telling me he can't stand me or being around me to then being ok with me. Seems like he is just keeping me ticking over for his own good.

lovespeace my husband uses some of those strategies to avoid certain jobs! I did hit rock bottom a few months ago where I just lost all my sex drive. I looked at him and did not feel a thing. Think it's getting a bit better now but not by much.

Update: he got home and didn't speak to me, said a few words to our daughter before marching off to the kitchen. I had cooked dinner earlier but not yet made the roti/chapatti (flatbread) because I had been busy bathing and feeding our DD. He asked me what I had been doing all day and why food wasn't made yet. He was even more angry saying I knew he had no lunch and yet still didn't have dinner ready. Oh what a rant he had. It took no longer than 5-8mins to sort the roti out. He never said sorry, didn't speak to our daughter the whole time. Didn't play with her. He did change her nappy upon request and now I'm putting her to bed. :(

This sounds like a very grim life for you and your child

I'm so sorry that this is your home life. It really doesn't have to be or should not be like this. He clearly wants a maid, not a partner and believes that it is his right to be waited on. He seems to be emotionally distant from his daughter and this is a horrible cruelty.

If your parents knew how he treated you and their grandchild how would they react?

The more you post OP the worse it sounds

I think you know in your heart of hearts that this is no life for you or your daughter but it's a big leap from knowing that and actually doing something about it?

Do you have anyone in Rl to talk to?

He is one of those 'big baby' men. Surely you will feel even more shameful to continue living with someone who is only 'reasonable' when it suits him to be. He has shown that he will only engage with your child when it suits him, i.e. when you 'behave' .

What he said about how it worked for you mum and dad is totally irrelevant. My mum was a stay at home mum most of the time (Dad was old fashioned and did not like her working) and did all the housework. My brother and SIL have a different set up - he does all the cooking (unless bed bound), they both share the chores and split child chauffeuring between them. Times have moved on from the victorian set up of old.

As for not being back before him - well presumably you would have been back to make the kid's dinner/tea and the larger man/baby's as well? So what is he blubbering on about??

I tried to make normal conversation this morning. He was being a ok. I told him I had made breakfast so he had time to wash the dishes. He said he will see. I said no he has to do it because I washed a mountain load yesterday AND cooked dinner. He said he should only have to wash the bowls we used because the rest of the dishes are what me and our daughter used from lunchtime and throughout the day. I thought what a complete wanker.

He took his time eating breakfast. We didn't speak. He went up to get ready at 8. He was done by 8.35 and came down. He then started to ask if I can make a roti (flatbread) for lunch I said yes. Came down and he hadn't washed up. I asked why not. He said he wasn't going to. He hasn't got time. I didn't want to make roti and told him he better talk better to me or I wont make it. He got angry saying if he had known i wasn't going to make it he would have left already to go to the shop and buy some wraps.

I then was trying to get him to see how unfair it is that the dishes had been left now and that he could have done them last night but chose to sit on the sofa all evening. He could have done them this morning but chose not to. He started shouting at me saying I am a nagging bitch and to shut the fuck up. He also told me to just wash it up myself. He kept saying I was going on and then he said everyday I like to cause arguments.

Before he left i told him the dishes will be there for when he gets home and it's also his turn to cook today which it is. Every weds is his turn.

He's gone to work. I just burst out in tears. I feel so shit. I'm sorry I keep going on about what is happening but I need to just write it down somewhere.

I have spoken to my family about it but there's nothing they can really do so I don't bother telling them anything. I have nobody.

He is a cock.

Not helpful, maybe, but there it is.

Do you want to stay married to such a person?

He said he should only have to wash the bowls we used because the rest of the dishes are what me and our daughter used from lunchtime and throughout the day

^^ this

What a complete cunt

and you don't have nobody: you have us to vent to, and most importantly you have yourself to rely on, for whatever next steps you are going to take.

You are correct to say that your family can't do anything with regards your husband's behaviour. Neither can you. He has to want to change and as it stands he does not want to. He doesn't see you as an equal or a partner. He sees the domestic part of life as beneath him and expects you to suck it up.

You have options. You can change your life. You feel like you can't but you absolutely can.

AR, can you make an appointment to see a solicitor while he's at work? Many offer a free half-hour consultation; I'm sure Women's Aid can point you in the right direction in your area.

This year is make or break for me & my H. He doesn't know it but I have a clear timeline for things improving (from the core, not just symptoms) or my DD and I are out. I saw a solicitor just before Christmas to get an idea of practicalities re financial support, parenting etc - I may not act on it, but it's true what they say: knowledge is power. Right now one of the things you fear is the unknown; a practical, information-gathering session with a solicitor will address at least some of that fear.

Wishing you strength. He sounds absolutely vile.

I do think that bickering about who should wash what bowl is going to get you absolutely nowhere. You need to think of the bigger picture and what he actually thinks you are to him... a wife who is subservient. I think you may well get bogged down in the minutae (sp?!) of who does what if you aren't careful. It's the fact he wants a Stepford Wife running round after him that is what you need to focus on. Where's the respect?

You aren't a wimp. You've suddenly had a lightbulb moment as to what your life is going to be like forever and you are struggling with it. Don't beat yourself up.

What struck me in all of this is your OH having a paddy because you weren't home before him. He should be really glad you are having a nice time with your DD and yes men can be useless when suddenly faced with having to cook tea because you aren't there, but it's not something he should make a fuss about. Sometimes you will be there, sometimes you won't and he has to suck it up because you are a person in your own right and shouldn't need to be there all the time just because he has got home from work.

This... from whatdoesittake sums it up farrrrr better than I could, so eloquent and so right.

I have been at the wrong end of the independence argument and told that once married you become a unit. Of course he was set right on this. I am not and never will be one person with my husband, I am my own person and complimented by my husband. he has added to my personality, not consumed it. I have independent thought and needs and must always maintain that. This is so much easier when my relationship isn't further cluttered by cultural issues. Independence isn't separateness.

hotdamnlife thank you so much. I am glad I can vent here as my family are no good to talk to. I told my parents how he was physically aggressive and how he is like such a child but when they spoke with him, they didn't show any anger. My mum told him she knew about it and to watch his conduct. That was it!

The reason my parents also sat down with the both of us was believe it or not, because I told my husband I didn't want to make his lunch anymore and he threw the worst paddy I've seen from an adult and didn't talk to me for 4 days. He treated me like shit for them
4 days though. I wrote everything down in my phone and read it yesterday, those were some crap days. I told my parents and he was happy for them to come and speak with us hoping they would tell me off for not cooking for my husband.

My mum and dad said the situation was pathetic, which it bloody was, and to just share the responsibility. So he makes it a few times and I do too I was so pissed off! I didn't want to compromise over such a stupid little thing like making your own fucking lunch.

I have never thought about seeing a solicitor. If I only get half an hour then I might try and get some questions ready first to make best use of my time. I think I might call women's aid again for some help. Thank you all again.

rousette you are right in that I should look at the bigger picture but daily life gets in the way and it is precisely the day to day runnings of the house that are bogging me down.

I've even said to him before that I feel like a slave/maid. I am not a maid. I am not his mum. I do not want to look after a grown adult this way. He should be able to look after himself. Funny thing is, he once said to me in an argument that he doesn't need me, for 20 something years of his life he didn't need me he can cope what he fails to see is that his mum did everything, not him. Stupid.

Can you start spiriting a little money away at a time? Enough to get a stash for a deposit somewhere? Or start looking to get back into whatever line of work you did before?

You cannot keep living this life with this man - he is horrible to you and horrible to your daughter.

I think you should get a job and put your dd in childcare. I think it will make you feel better about yourself and give you some financial independance. If you were single you could claim child care costs. Would your parents take care of your child a few days a week?

i think you will find the strength to leave eventually. My X used to refuse to wash plates that me and dd had used, also!

you absolutely need to get a job. There is excellent childcare out there, so please don't think it will damage her in any way to go into childcare. Our DD is at an amazing (and Ofsted rated outstanding) nursery and we couldn't be happier, she has blossomed in their care and I have blossomed going back to work.

With some money in your pocket making plans will become feasible.

He is utterly ghastly. Please don't allow his treatment of you inform your DD that that is how men treat their wives.

I have a daughter with PDA (a form of autism) and wonder if she will be like this as an adult. You may want to google to see if it sounds like your DH, as some of your comments about his behaviour ring some loud bells.

Not that this will help you, as there's not much you can do about it. But knowing it definitely isn't you is somthing that I find a comfort when DD is being challenging.